Boyfriend has one night stands with other women

[problemz]

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and four months. We met each other on craigslist when he commented on my personal ad. At the time, he let me know that he was going through a divorce and was not looking for a girlfriend. We got along online, and I liked him a lot. I finally convinced him to meet with me a couple months later. We were just going to hang out as friends and nothing more, but we have been nearly inseparable ever since.

 

Early on, actually practically during sex, he kind of blurted out that he might have sex with other people while seeing me. Brain implosion. I cannot fathom having sex with multiple people at once, especially when I have feelings for one of those people. I have an extremely difficult time understanding what he tells me to explain his behavior. It goes something like this:

 

My ex wife would refuse to have sex with me for long periods of time, and would treat me like * * * * emotionally. She had body issues and low self-esteem. Towards the end of the marriage, and through this divorce, I became extremely depressed and had low self-worth. I began to have one-night-stands with people once we separated. It feels good to feel desired. I don’t ever see these people again, but every once in a while I crave it. I cannot commit to you because you have similar body issues and low self-esteem as my ex wife. I told myself that I would never be with a woman like that again, but then I fell for you. If I commit to you, I will feel trapped, and I fear that I will be driven mad by your low self esteem and the qualities in you that I don’t like, and i will grow to resent you. If I continue to have sex with someone else every once in a while, I will not feel trapped, and I will be happy to stay with you. I love you, and the fact that I sometimes have unattached sex with someone else does not change that.

 

I DO feel loved by him. As in I FEEL loved. We spend 80-90% of our time together. The first time he told me he has sex with other people, it hurt like hell and I didn’t understand, but I stayed with him because he was basically my first love. I told him I would stay with him, but I don’t want to know anything about these other women. A few months later, when things were going so well with us that I literally just assumed he was no longer sleeping with other women, it turned out he was (I can’t remember how it came up in conversation again). This time, I broke up with him. That break-up lasted a matter of hours. (sigh) Recently, with me in the same delusion of a committed relationship based on the fact that we are happy and I feel loved, it came up again. We were watching a television show about a man who cheats on his wife, and my boyfriend wouldn’t shut up about how he understands that man’s problem. I finally asked him if he was sleeping with other people, and he said yes. It breaks my heart. I feel like he is a stranger.

 

When we are together, I feel happy and loved. But in my head, I think I can logically disprove his love for me with the fact that he sleeps with other people. He gets upset when we talk about it, and he feels like I can’t be mad because he was honest and up front about his “problem”. He says I shouldn’t be mad, since I KNEW about it and decided to stay with him. I signed up for it. I picture him having sex with other women and it hurts so badly. How can he go through with it if he loves me?

 

After this last incident, he told me that bottom line, he loves me and wants to have a monogamous relationship. He reiterated that his “problem” with commitment is exacerbated by the characteristics (poor body image, low self-esteem) in me that remind him of his ex-wife. He said that we can make an agreement that I will better myself in those ways, and he will commit to me (simultaneously, not one before the other). While I should be happy and be celebrating the fact that he is currently on a trial run of commitment to me (and I am working on loving myself and feeling better about my appearance), I find myself doubting his love more than ever, and I’m finding it difficult to trust him. I wonder if I will be able to move on from this. If I can’t let go of the hurt, lack of trust, and doubt of his love for me (or more specifically, my belief that he feels I’m not good enough for him) I will become bitter, and will start to treat him like * * * * out of anger, and that will be the end of things. I also don’t want to bounce back and forth between “I should leave him, I deserve better” and “I’d rather be with him than alone”. Since I have been single (or in short relationships with douchebags) for most of my adult life, I find myself hanging on to him for dear life sometimes. I don’t really have much of a social life outside of him. So, the thought of leaving him is quite scary too. Trying to stay positive to give this relationship one last go is proving very difficult, and I think the next couple months of my life are going to be challenging in the emotional department. I am feeling extremely alone, as this is too personal/humiliating to share with close friends or family. I feel like no one will understand.

[Jd1983]

Honestly, just because he told you about sleeping with other people, doesn't make it right.

 

Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to stay in a relationship with him, because chances are he will continue to sleep with other women. He is not only putting your health at risk, he is also blaming you for wanting to sleep with other women indicating it's due to your low self esteem and poor body image. How can you possible get over self esteem issues when he is making things worst for you?

 

You know you deserve better than that. Stop being with someone who is both controlling and manipulative.

 

By allowing him to treat you this way, he knows that he can get away with anything. It's time to have a little more self worth, and leave him once and for all.

[annie24]

he sounds like an ass. I see so many red flags here. first that you had to "convince" him to meet with you off craigslist. why should it be so hard to convince a man to meet you for a date on a craigslist personal site???

 

next - he told you, DURING SEX, he is sleeping with other women. you've ignored this, so many times. i can't even fault the guy there, he was up front. you were lying to yourself.

 

lastly - he sounds like an ass for telling you how much you remind him of his EX-WIFE. you know what that means? It's only a matter of time before you're the EX-GIRLFRIEND. he dumped her, remember? he'll dump her too.

 

as for the body image issues - i don't know if you are a size 0 or 30 but if he's going to base the relationship on you working on your issues, i think that's really unhealthy and you don't need a man like this.

 

please run away.

[Hollyj]

"My ex wife would refuse to have sex with me for long periods of time, and would treat me like * * * * emotionally. She had body issues and low self-esteem. Towards the end of the marriage, and through this divorce, I became extremely depressed and had low self-worth. I began to have one-night-stands with people once we separated. It feels good to feel desired. I don’t ever see these people again, but every once in a while I crave it. I cannot commit to you because you have similar body issues and low self-esteem as my ex wife. I told myself that I would never be with a woman like that again, but then I fell for you. If I commit to you, I will feel trapped, and I fear that I will be driven mad by your low self esteem and the qualities in you that I don’t like, and i will grow to resent you. If I continue to have sex with someone else every once in a while, I will not feel trapped, and I will be happy to stay with you. I love you, and the fact that I sometimes have unattached sex with someone else does not change that."

 

I love how his indiscretions are thrown on you and the ex. Does he take responsibility for anything??? This is ridiculous and terrible!!!!! He is showing you a great deal of disrespect!

"When we are together, I feel happy and loved. But in my head, I think I can logically disprove his love for me with the fact that he sleeps with other people. He gets upset when we talk about it, and he feels like I can’t be mad because he was honest and up front about his “problem”. He says I shouldn’t be mad, since I KNEW about it and decided to stay with him. I signed up for it. I picture him having sex with other women and it hurts so badly. How can he go through with it if he loves me?"

 

You should have never agreed to something you're uncomfortable with. I don't care if you do love this guy, you have to love and respect yourself! Aren't you concerned about STDs?

"If I can’t let go of the hurt, lack of trust, and doubt of his love for me (or more specifically, my belief that he feels I’m not good enough for him) I will become bitter, and will start to treat him like * * * * out of anger, and that will be the end of things. I also don’t want to bounce back and forth between “I should leave him, I deserve better” and “I’d rather be with him than alone”. "

 

Sorry, to say it but, you have found another douche bag. If someone loves you, they don't tell you they will be monogamous if you make improvements, you know he will find excuses to cheat. Hon, he says that the self-esteem is the problem but don't you see that that is the type of woman he wants, so that he may manipulate and mistreat? He is using your insecurities to his benefit.He would never choose a woman with a healthy self-esteem.

 

Please get away from this manipulative creep and get yourself into therapy. I think your self-esteem was poor to start-would never have put up with crap otherwise-but now it is being depleted even further. If someone loves you they don't treat you this way, this is emotionally abusive!

 

You need to get out and make your own life. Why are you depending on this man for your happiness? it doesn't happen that way. If you are ashamed to tell family and friends, then you know this is bad and need to get out!

[Kitkat973]

I think that he'd have a leg to stand on if he'd been upfront with you when you entered the relationship that he wanted this kind of dynamic and had allowed you to make that choice, or if he'd approached you about making the move into sleeping with other people before he did it if it started later in the relationship. (ETA: Re-read your initial post, and it seems I flubbed the timeline some. If he was upfront from the beginning, then the terms of the relationship have been ones that you agreed to.)

 

I do think that it's disingenuous of him to shift the 'consequences' for his ex-wife's actions over onto you. This is a new relationship, and he needs to approach it as one. "It's this way because it was this way with my ex" is never a healthy attitude to have in a relationship.

 

What matters ultimately is how you feel about this. If you do have issues with self-esteem and body image, then I think working on those would be good for YOU, regardless of the situation with him. I would think carefully, though, about how you feel about continuing to be in a relationship with someone who has treated you the way that he has. You're the only person who can say if it's okay for you.

[DylanNotorious]

Well at least the guy had the nerve to be upfront right from the beginning.

 

He isn't doing anything that you haven't signed up for. There is nothing you can do about the situation because you have agreed to it.

 

I don't know what anyone can really say. He hasn't lied to you, or anything. It's really up to you what you want to do.

[DrKitten]

Wow, this guy makes me livid. I'm not a violent person, but reading your post makes me want to hit him.

 

First off, everything else aside, he is putting you at very high risk for STDs. Please, please, please stop having sex with him and get tested for everything under the sun immediately! Emotions, commitment, self-esteem, ex-wife baggage, etc. doesn't even factor into this fact: he does not care about your sexual health at all. Condoms do not protect against everything, symptoms don't show up right away, and I highly doubt he is checking for STDs. Make an appointment as soon as you can!

 

Secondly, you need to see that he is actually taking advantage of your low self-esteem by doing this. He has you to love and adore him and can have sex carelessly whenever he wants. He doesn't even have to sneak around, he can tell it to your face and you still won't leave him. Why would he change? I don't know anyone in a monogamous relationship who wouldn't feel terrible if they knew their partner was sleeping around. No one could just "work on themselves" during that.

 

And thirdly, it's not you that's the problem in this situation. He's an a-hole for projecting his ex's issues onto you for his own gain. No relationship should ever be a "do this and I'll stop hurting you" situation. Please get away from him and then work on your self-esteem issues without someone like him kicking you while you're down.

[Hollyj]

And thirdly, it's not you that's the problem in this situation. He's an a-hole for projecting his ex's issues onto you for his own gain. No relationship should ever be a "do this and I'll stop hurting you" situation. Please get away from him and then work on your self-esteem issues without someone like him kicking you while you're down.

 

Sorry, I disagree. She is totally allowing this man to disrespect her. This situation is ridiculous!

[Angel Irulan]

he feels like I can’t be mad because he was honest and up front about his “problem”. He says I shouldn’t be mad, since I KNEW about it and decided to stay with him. I signed up for it. I picture him having sex with other women and it hurts so badly. How can he go through with it if he loves me?

 

 

He is a manipulator. He knows he is. He creates drama and confusion in you and he gets C-O-N-T-R-O-L! He blame shifts all of the problems in your relationship onto YOU! And you say he's your first love, so you have no base of experience to deal with a player like this. I do! Oh, do I ever. Run, run away as fast as you possibly can. It does not matter who you are and how you feel, how you behave, he will always sleep with other women, and twist the knife by saying you gave him de facto consent. Leave him and don't look back.

 

Why it's best to leave this dude: To say you would stay with this man is about the same as being a woman in love with a gay man and saying it's okay for him to continue sleeping with other men. Do you think that scenario would place you at risk? So does yours. Both for a sore heart and ill health.

 

Now, for you. I suggest therapy. It's clear that you need to get yourself to a place where you will view a man who would do this to you as a jerk whom you'd never consent to speak to. When that happens, the quality of man you date, typically goes up. Therapy can help your self-esteem issues and help you get a handle on whether or not this is a family of origin issue, or if it's just coincidence that you wound up with so toxic a guy. Hugs to you. You CAN do this. Just stay away from the jerk you loved.

 

Angel

[tresqua]

This situation is ridiculous![/b]

 

Wow I thought I heard everything by now, but this situation is a new one.

 

Not sure which is messed up, a guy who is open and honest about sleeping with other women or a woman who would actually tolerate this. I'm leaning towards the latter though.

 

I have to sleep on this one. By myself.

[problemz]

I think what DrKitten meant is that his infidelity can't be justified by the fact that there's something problematic with me. Not that my being with him isn't retarded.

[Capricorn3]

I'm still trying to get my head around WHY you didn't boot him out of your house the moment he told you he'll be sleeping with other women? (Think STD's?). I can't for the life of me figure out WHY any woman will continue to see the guy, and still sleep with him, when he tells her he intends having sex with other women. What am I missing here?

 

Remember, if you allow people to treat you badly, they will. Kudos to him for being honest and upfront from the get go. You had (and still have) a choice. You chose to stay in the situation and clearly you are unhappy about it. The big question is: WHY do you stay?

[bichin]

The way I see it this is not really about who's right and who's wrong. He is taking care of his own interests, that's what he's supposed to do. Now you need to take care of your own interests, that's what you're supposed to do. You two are quite simply incompatible.

[Hollyj]

I think what DrKitten meant is that his infidelity can't be justified by the fact that there's something problematic with me. Not that my being with him isn't retarded.

 

I don't understand? Can you restate?

[problemz]

My boyfriend thinks there is something wrong with me, and blames that for his inability to commit. I think DrKitten was saying that that's bull * * * * , that there isn't any flaw that a person can posess that can justify infidelity by their partner. You responded with "yes, this chick has flaws" but you meant flaws like I'm an idiot for staying with him. Yes?

[Hollyj]

My boyfriend thinks there is something wrong with me, and blames that for his inability to commit. I think DrKitten was saying that that's bull * * * * , that there isn't any flaw that a person can posess that can justify infidelity by their partner. You responded with "yes, this chick has flaws" but you meant flaws like I'm an idiot for staying with him. Yes?

 

He uses your issues with self-esteem to his advantage. It is classic that a manipulator will place the other at blame to get away with things-no matter how ridiculous. I don't care what your size or appearance, this is no excuse for him to cheat. Like I said earlier, he seeks women with low self-esteem so he can get away with this behavior.

 

I do think you're doing yourself tremendous harm by tolerating such a devaluing "relationship.'

 

You cannot depend on others for happiness, as it has to come from within. Remember, healthy attracts healthy, unhealthy attracts unhealthy.

[WockaWocka]

he said "I cannot commit to you because you have similar body issues and low self-esteem as my ex wife. I told myself that I would never be with a woman like that again, but then I fell for you. If I commit to you, I will feel trapped, and I fear that I will be driven mad by your low self esteem and the qualities in you that I don’t like, and i will grow to resent you. If I continue to have sex with someone else every once in a while, I will not feel trapped, and I will be happy to stay with you. I love you, and the fact that I sometimes have unattached sex with someone else does not change that."

 

What an arseclown. He basically says he doesn't like you enough to be monogamous and the only way he can tolerate being with you is by sleeping with others. I give him a few points for admitting he sleeps with other women (unlike some cheaters)-- at least you are informed enough to stop sleeping with him immediately and get STD tests.

But the way he puts you in a self-fulfilling prophecy--you aren't good enough AND your self-esteem is too low--virtually assures him that you'll never be able to meet his expectations. The fact that he treats you like crap keeps your self-esteem low enough that he can keep excusing his need to sleep around. And these women who have these one-night stands with, do you think he's honest with them and tells them he's in a relationship? Heck no.

 

he told me that bottom line, he loves me and wants to have a monogamous relationship. He reiterated that his “problem” with commitment is exacerbated by the characteristics (poor body image, low self-esteem) in me that remind him of his ex-wife. He said that we can make an agreement that I will better myself in those ways, and he will commit to me (simultaneously, not one before the other). While I should be happy and be celebrating the fact that he is currently on a trial run of commitment to me (and I am working on loving myself and feeling better about my appearance), I find myself doubting his love more than ever, and I’m finding it difficult to trust him.

 

So now he's gone from saying he could never be monogamous with you to saying that he will be monogamous with you on the condition that you improve. Until then he won't stop sleeping with other women. It's brilliant. This way he can keep sleeping with as many women as he wants, all the while putting the blame for his behavior on you because you didn't meet his 'conditions.' Rest assured he has no intention of ever saying you're good enough.

 

Reread what he said above - he will feel 'trapped' if he commits to you. THAT is the reason why he will always sleep around as long as he's with you. It has very little to do with you except that your self-esteem is low enough that you let him get away with it.

 

I know you feel dependent on him and it's hard to let go. But a narcissist like this is only going to bring you down further, and staying with him will only continue to erode your self-esteem.

 

What if he told you that you had to lose 30lbs before he would stop sleeping around. Run a marathon? Get an advanced degree? Move to Uzbekistan? Bear his child? Hopefully these conditions I named seem ridiculous. But they're just as ridiculous as the conditions he's putting on you. The only difference is that the conditions I named can measurably and objectively be met, whereas 'raising your self-esteem' is so subjective that he can always claim you're not quite there.

 

Best way to raise your self-esteem? Kick this jerkwad to the curb, get screened for STDs, and then find someone truly worthy of you.

[MakeItCount]

Wow I thought I heard everything by now, but this situation is a new one.

 

Not sure which is messed up, a guy who is open and honest about sleeping with other women or a woman who would actually tolerate this. I'm leaning towards the latter though.

 

I have to sleep on this one. By myself.

 

x1000. What a tool this guy is...didn't think losers like this existed. OP, do yourself a favor and run far far away before this guy destroys you self esteem and independence any further. For the love of jeebus, this is crazy.

[penelope13]

Don't adopt the same behavior as him: blaming someone else for your own choices and behavior.

 

You have control and responsibility over your OWN choices: regardless how outrageous his behavior is, he told you upfront - yet you accepted it. Whining about it didn't change a thing, he is still continuing with it, since you essentially enable him. If you want to be in a relationship with a partner who respects you and treats you well, you have to step away from anyone why is not giving you what you deserve as soon as they prove disrespectful and inappropriate in their behavior so you are not wasting precious time to find the right one.

[tresqua]

My boyfriend thinks there is something wrong with me, and blames that for his inability to commit. I think DrKitten was saying .. that there isn't any flaw that a person can posess that can justify infidelity by their partner. You responded with "yes, this chick has flaws" but you meant flaws like I'm an idiot for staying with him. Yes?

 

The guy might have some commitment issues, he may be a player, he may just like casual sex with multiple partners, he may be the type that blames all of the problems in a relatiionship on the other partner. So what? He's not breaking any laws and he's being upfront with her about the other sex partners.

 

The problem is with the Op. No you're not an "idiot" this isn't a matter of how smart you are, it's about you having such low self esteem and that you would allow yourself to be treated so poorly. It's no different than, for example a battered woman who blames herself for the beatings because her partner says she deserves it as he lands each punch.

[Huntress0527]

x1000. What a tool this guy is...didn't think losers like this existed. OP, do yourself a favor and run far far away before this guy destroys you self esteem and independence any further. For the love of jeebus, this is crazy.

 

Agreed! This guy has some warped thinking. I'd say to him you won't have enough time to resent me because I'm out. Peace!

 

OP, please get away from this guy. He is straight up brain washing you and manipulating you. I mean I would be outright insulted to be compared to his ex wife. Should've ended it right there and then.

[DrKitten]

The guy might have some commitment issues, he may be a player, he may just like casual sex with multiple partners, he may be the type that blames all of the problems in a relatiionship on the other partner. So what? He's not breaking any laws and he's being upfront with her about the other sex partners.

 

The problem is with the Op. No you're not an "idiot" this isn't a matter of how smart you are, it's about you having such low self esteem and that you would allow yourself to be treated so poorly. It's no different than, for example a battered woman who blames herself for the beatings because her partner says she deserves it as he lands each punch.

 

I don't get what's with the victim blaming here. He's not being upfront, he claims he loves her and will be loyal IF she does XYZ. That is manipulative.

 

She's not breaking any laws either and has been upfront with him that this hurts her and she wants monogamy. Yes, she's allowing him to walk all over her, but she IS NOT the problem. She is the solution though. OP, you're the only one who can put an end to this.

[lavenderdove]

>>I cannot commit to you because you have similar body issues and low self-esteem as my ex wife.

 

What a crock of horse pooey! Perhaps his ex-wife has body issues and low self-esteem because he cheated all the time and she spent her time wondering why she wasn't enough for him?

 

This guy is a classic cheater who will never take responsibility for his actions and will blame you for his own bad behavior. One night stands are about his self centeredness and desire to have sexual variety... a nice GF/wife at home, and a whole candy store of women out there to play with. It has absolutely nothing to do with you whatsoever, and he's trying to spin a ridiculious yarn to try to get you to accept his bad behavior.

 

Not only is he cheating on you, he's blaming you AND engaging in risky one night stands that could give you every STD under the sun if he engages in them constantly. He sounds like a hard core sex addict, and his drug of choice is strange women's poon.

 

Really, you deserve so much better than this. Don't fall for his crock and manipulations. If he's willing to blame you for his own sex addiction, then he'll start blaming you for other things as well anytime he doesn't immediately get what he wants. I suspect his wife's low self esteem was perfectly justified, and the best thing she ever did for herself was get away from him.

[tresqua]

I don't get what's with the victim blaming here. He's not being upfront, he claims he loves her and will be loyal IF she does XYZ. That is manipulative.

 

True but XYZ is stuff to better herself, he's actually doing her a favor in that regard.

[DrKitten]

True but XYZ is stuff to better herself, he's actually doing her a favor in that regard.

It's not a favor if 1) it's a blatant lie, and 2) even if it was true, it's trying to make his hurtful words and actions HER responsibility, and 3) how is anyone supposed to "better themselves" while in a situation like this?