Open relationship -- need a little advice.

[esrever]

Hello guys, I need an outsiders perspective on something, take a listen if you got a minute. I apologize for the complexity of the corner I’ve painted myself into.

 

So I’m in an open relationship with a girl I’ve been dating for about two and a half years now. We became open shortly after the first year. When we became open, originally I wanted to break up. But I took two days at a friends’ house to think about it and I came to the realization that I really love and care about her and didn’t want it to be over. But at the same time, I don’t think she is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. So I proposed an ultimatum, either we are in an open relationship or we were really going to be done. She chose to be in an open relationship with me. She is a bi-sexual so she said it would be a good fit for her to be able to experiment with women as well.

 

So I’m not a super-stud, but I do alright with the ladies. I also don’t date just anybody, they need to be special to me somehow. So I’ve finally found (after about a year) a girl I’m interested in. Well it turns out that my girlfriend was interested in her too. Eventually the three of us ended up in bed together a couple of times. But I didn’t want her to just be the third wheel, I want some face time with just her and I. So I do take that time when I can, but every time I go to see this other girl, my girlfriend breaks down or tries to manipulate me into not going or will drag her feet and basically just make a nuisance of herself to stall me. She also has asked that I give her notice if I’m going to see someone, which would be fine, but she asked for 4-5 days notice. Which I told her simply wasn’t going to happen. I said I would try to give her a days notice if I could. But I also told her that we’re in an open relationship and I shouldn’t need to check in with her at all, I simply try to do so out of love and respect for her.

 

Then she’ll turn around and go out with someone else (usually a guy but not always) and I won’t give her any problems about it because this is how we agreed we want it. Sure, it doesn’t thrill me that she could be kissing someone else (or something more, I don’t inquire. Though we both agreed we could inquire if the other wanted to know)

 

The bottom line is my girlfriend and I love each other and this other girl has earned a place in my heart. But I hate seeing the pain in my girlfriends eyes when I go to see another woman. Then she’ll ask if I’ve had sex with this other woman and if I have, I’ll tell her so and she’ll get upset all over again. I guess I need some advice on what I should do.

 

Also, a big factor in this is that if I break up with my girlfriend, I either force her back to her parents house or she continues to live with me and my mom. (please note that I’m a college student and I graduate in December and will be moving out shortly) Now, her parents place is hardly fit to live because her parents are hoarders. There is barely enough room to walk and the house smells heavily of cat urine due to the five or six cats that live there. It’s also where her sexual abuse took place. Or she would continue to live with me and my mom, which would be unpleasant for a whole different list of reasons. Besides, I’ve already resigned the idea that she will go back to her parents if she doesn’t want to. So she would live with me until I knew she had a safe place to be at night.

 

I think that's all the details. So thoughts? Comments? Just want to let me know you’re glad you’re not me? Just post it below guys! And sincerely, thank you for at least reading this.

[pl3asehelp]

Your girlfriend obviously wants you all to herself, but since you're not willing to give her that, she'll take what she can get, which is why you're having the problems you are right now. She does not want an open relationship, you do. She just tolerates it to keep you in her life. Now that this is very clear, it seems to me you're taking advantage of her to continue on this way. Yes, it is her decision, but she is clearly making a bad decision for herself and putting herself in a situation that is not right for her. If you care about her, you should really do the right thing and just break up with her. The situation as it is will not work out for you - she'll continue to cause problems in all of your other relationships.

[lavenderdove]

>>I don’t think she is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life.

 

This is why you should break up. She sounds like she is in love with you and afraid that one of your 'other' women might take you from her eventually. Whereas you sound like you aren't interested in in anything permanent, just convenient for now, but getting more interested in another girl by the minute.

 

Many open relationships are based on one person who doesn't particularly want an open relationship, but tolerates it because they know the partner will walk if they don't. Eventually it turns into a lot of drama, and it sounds like you're headed there already.

 

So if you think she isn't the permanent one for you and you're not willing to abide by boundaries in terms of how/when you see others in order to make her feel secure, then this relationship is probably over, and you just need to work out the logistics of setting her free and helping find her somewhere decent to live for herself.

[esrever]

Thank you for your honesty guys. I think I needed to hear that. Sometimes when you want something to work out, you begin to believe your own bull. I'm tired of hurting people. So what should I do post break-up, should I continue to let her live with me until she can find her own place? She's working on getting her license so her work will hire her full time, so she could have her own place. Thoughts on that?

[DylanNotorious]

I don't see the point of having an open-relationship.

 

Do you?

 

Why don't you just be a free agent if you want to sleep around.

[Ms Darcy]

But at the same time, I don’t think she is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. So I proposed an ultimatum, either we are in an open relationship or we were really going to be done. She chose to be in an open relationship with me.

 

I agree with the others. You clearly don't see her as your soulmate and she only does this so that you don't walk.

 

Your gf is an adult. She should not have to keep living with you; it will stop her healing from the relationship and keep her dependent on you.

[lavenderdove]

I think you should try to have her move out as soon as possible because it will be very awkward for both of you after you announce you want out and she sees you leaving to date that other girl. Is there a way to lend her enough money to get her started in a new place?

 

I certainly wouldn't want to boot her out on a moment's notice if you can both be civil, but i'd give her a reasonable time to find another place. You never know, once you tell her, she might just pack her bags and go regardless as some people don't want to stick around if they know it is over.

[esrever]

@ dylanNotorious - The point of being in an open relationship is that I have the capability to love more than one human being. Seriously, this isn’t all about the sex. Sex is only a part of my relationship with these women. If all I wanted was sex, I’d just buy it or go to the clubs and pick up drunk women.

 

I do things for these people, I’ve taken the other girl to the hospital, I take my girlfriend to work. These people depend on me for certain aspects of their lives. I accept this responsibility because without me, they wouldn’t be able to live as fully; and neither would I. I get to go to the park, or go to restaurants with them (I pay), watch movies, all that stuff. And you might be thinking I get laid a lot because I’m with two women at once, but honestly it’s just twice the work\money and only a little more sex than with just one woman. But they both fulfill different aspects of me.

The reason I’m considering a break up is that I’m worried my girlfriend thinks\wants this is going to last forever and as a result passes someone else up who really would be with her forever. The more I think about this, the more I think I need to talk with her and see what she really wants out of life and see if we’re on the same page. I guess I’ve been avoiding that conversation, because if she wants to spend the rest of her life with me then I really do need to let her know what I think.

 

@Ms Darcy I don’t believe in soul mates really. We’re just creatures on this earth, there’s nothing that says we were meant to be with another specific human for our lives. It’s just something that got romanticized. With divorce rates at 50% it’d have to be someone really special for me to want to risk half of my objects and a part of my check for the rest of my life. But who knows what the future will hold?

 

That being said, I really enjoy the company of my girlfriend, I just don’t think she’s the one I’m going to be with when I’m old. Maybe I won’t be with anyone when I’m old, I don’t have any notion of that part of my life really. It’s also why I want her to get her license. I already talked to her about my not being ready for her to be dependent on me financially when I graduate and move out. We have plans to move out to our own separate places after I graduate. When we got together it happened really fast, one kiss and she asked to be my girlfriend. Actually she’s my first real girlfriend. (I had a couple of relationships that only lasted a couple weeks previous to this) and when I saw the horror of the place she lived and how miserable it was to exist there, I asked her to move in with me. Even though she wasn’t expecting me to ask. I do however think that she may be thinking that we’re in it forever. So I am going to talk to her tonight and clear these things up with her. She might just be afraid of moving back to her parents place again.

 

Right now unemployment where I live is really high and the homeless population has increased quite a bit. All the citizens are buckling their belts right now and I’m not going to just kick her out, I think I’d have a hard time living that down if I really did end up making her go back to her parents house or if she ended up on the streets.

 

@ Lavenderdove -- You are indeed wise, but I think you think I’m into this other girl more than I am. I don’t think she’s the one either, because I don’t believe in the concept of “the one”. Also about 3 months after I met her, she became quite ill and I’m not into the idea being exclusive with someone who might not be here in 6 months. Besides, she has another guy on the side too. (Or maybe I’m the guy on the side? Hard to tell really) But I know she knows exactly what this is and she’s happy with where we are.

 

Well I don’t know how much more conversation I can reasonably ask for on this subject. I think my plan is that we’re going to have a talk tonight about what we really want. Assuming she doesn’t say “you’re mine forever” we’re going to move to our own places when I graduate and see what happens. I know that’s not the answer you all wanted, but I never really got a chance to just date her since we moved in together so fast. I feel like I missed out on just getting to know her. Though honestly for something that happened before I truly understood the consequences of my actions I guess it worked out pretty good.

 

Some of you might feel like you didn’t help and nothing changed from your talking to me about this, but just having someone to talk to about this has helped so much. Before I was considering just living my life with her regardless of what she really wanted and trusting if she was really unhappy she would leave of her own accord. But the truth is I only want to be with somebody who is happy with the way I want a relationship structured, not just somebody who will tolerate it because they think it’s the best they are going to get. It might not happen all at once, like the big dramatic break ups you see on TV, but if she isn't really happy with the way I want things structured then I'm going to put us farther and farther apart until we can have a more amicable break up and I know we're both really going to be okay.

[Ms Darcy]

Whether you believe in soul mates or not, whether you believe you have enough love to light up the state of Oregon or not, whether you are more into the other girl or not, you are not with someone who went into this open relationship with this philosophy. You threatened to leave and she didn't want to lose you. I say at least break up. If you want to keep living together, whatever, but she's obviously wanting you to herself. Good luck on the discussion!