Is this justified jealousy? What do I do?

[jealousfreak]

I’ve been dating this guy for nearly a year (anniversary in a September). We have always been very open and honest about our relationship. I’ll tell him who I’ll talk and so will he, and sometimes will even joke around about who we should date. I’m bisexual so we’ve made it a habit to check out other girls out and say, “Oh she’s hot”, or the like. He’s even said this about a friend of mine but he quickly added, “You’re still hotter though”, and I jokingly said, “I have more of a chance with her than you do”. This little scenario just proves how much an unusually jealous person I am.

 

Well things have changed. Not changed generally but with a particular friend of his. This new girl is different, she’s more of a shy conservative introvert, and she’s not attractive at all (considering what his usual taste is). Nevertheless, she has many things in common with my boyfriend, and I find they talk quite often (through FB, text, phone). He makes no secret about it but I do see two “out of the ordinary” things about the relationship: 1) that he minimizes how much he really talks to her, and 2) he’s protective of her (seen him defend her in front of other people).

 

I know for a fact they’re not being sexual so this wouldn’t be your typical “infidelity” case but I can’t control the way I feel: angry. It bothers me how much attention he gives this particular girl and I just consider it disrespectful. As a matter of fact, it wouldn’t bother me that he had sex with another girl, what bothers me is the “bond” he has created with this girl. I thought we had a bond but apparently he can create bonds with any girl he decides to give the time to. I can barely focus on things these days thinking of whether if they’re talking or not.

 

Is this a reason for concern or am just a “jealous freak”? I’ve even been considering breaking up with him just to avoid the rumination that’s spiraled out of this situation.

[DN]

Since this is non-sexual would you feel the same if he had a similar friendship with a male?

[Tryptophan]

I think you're just jealous of the emotional bond they seem to have developed. I also think the openness you have created for the relationship allows this to happen in his eyes. I don't think he even has an idea that this "bothers" you so you can't really blame him for doing it. I do think it is slightly disrespectful (seems like they're in constant contact?) and the stage that you're in (nearly a year) says a lot about it as well. You know the infatuation stage ends around 6-8 months, and perhaps he's just bored of the connection you two have and maybe he's just looking around, but at the end of the day, he's your boyfriend and I don't think there's nothing to really worry about here. Of course, it all depends on your own personal standards/expectations for the relationship. Is this something you'd be okay with in the long run?

[Madamdiva007]

I recently went through something a little similar with my bf. It seemed he was constantly talking to this girl he has known for a few years. He wasn't hiding it from me, but wasn't telling me when he was talking to her and what they were talking about, if that makes sense, haha. Anyway, I was a serious stress case over the whole thing but it turns out I had nothing to worry about. She was the one initiating the whole thing, he was just being a nice guy and talking to her because he really had no reason not to. They don't talk anymore because they just didn't have anything in common.

 

I think as long as your bf is still talking the talk AND walking the walk you have nothing to worry about. There are always going to be people of the opposite sex in and out of your lives. Remember, he is with you because he wants to be.

[meoww]

I don't know, I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss your 'gut' feelings though...it seems like there is something making you feel unstable in the relationship. Maybe you don't feel like he is as enamored with you as he was in the beginning. I'd try to think of ways you can strengthen your bond, without seeming desperate or over the top. Maybe you could develop one of your interests a little more or learn something new together. Then you can slowly gauge if he deserves your trust.

 

Also, I could be wrong but I think people can be attracted to non conventionally attractive types quite often. I don't mean to make you worry but I wouldn't reject your feelings out of hand just because she's not as pretty as you. I've been attracted to all kinds of people for all kinds of reasons.

 

As an unusually jealous person myself, I suggest you try to figure out what's making you possessive of your partners. It may be that you're not in the right relationship to suit your emotional needs or it may be that you have unrealistic expectations.