girlfriend claims i dont do anything for her

[schultz]

I do alot for my girlfriend, ALOT. However, when she gets pissed off at me for something she just builds it up more and more and starts feeding herself a bunch of like that i don't do anything for her, saying in the year and a half we've been together i've never taken her on a legit date (we've been on plenty). She claims that she does everything and that she deserves better, this is so far from true; i'm 23 and she's 20, if it wasnt for me not only would she not have her job as a bartender, but she would have lost it if I didn't force her to not call in sick and just go.

 

It is absolutely frustrating to hear this and her be so ungrateful for everything i've done and it makes me wonder if she's got other options.

[Stay_home]

She might be someone whose used to having people do everything for her.... definitely not my taste in women.

[blackhawks1287]

I would move on...because if she is like this now? Wonder where she will be in five years. She sounds very demanding and or very dependent, not just on you but I am sure other people too...the type of girl where nothing seems to be good enough. Sure it was great in the beginning, but now FU. Don't take it man, you should get on top of this and put her in her place.

 

I am not saying this is the case, but my ex was like that...very demanding and I got burned. You cannot fix the way she thinks, but you can certainly talk about it. You need to approach her and just lay it flat out on the table. It is better to know that you cannot satisfy her needs than to have her find someone else behind your back that will, so yes I would be wondering too

 

I would figure this out and fast though, because she clearly is disrespecting you and the things you have done for her.

[schultz]

the thing is the guy before me was a piece of who cheated on her and abused her, im the complete opposite, im a good guy who goes out of his way to prove it. I want to move on but the thought of her just going out other people hurts.

 

good advice black, i'm certainly gonna talk about it because i'm sick of this and I can only take so much. I've had alot of opportunity's to move on and meet better women but i chose her and now i'm starting to regret it.

[RedDress]

When she says strange things - do you defend yourself? For example, when she says you never go on a proper date - do you say "Dear, we just went bowling last week and to the disco the week before"? Also, when she says stuff like "she does everything" - do you ask her to elaborate?

 

It could be as simple as miscommunication and uncommunicated expectations. Maybe her idea of a "date" is getting all dressed up and going for dinner & dancing when you haven't done that particular date. Maybe she feels she does everything, she's referring to picking up your socks.

 

Before jumping to conclusions, I think you should ask her to articulate why she feels the way she feels. Don't get me wrong... it's entirely possible that she's crazy and just completely wrong. But... you should at least look to understand what she is saying. She may be full of it.

 

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and what you feel is right. If she can't articulate what's wrong, maybe you should leave her. If she doesn't genuinely feel that way, it is abuse - plain and simple.

[schultz]

the thing is we've done it all, gone out and got dressed up, gone for dinners, i gave her the best birthday of her life (got us in the best club in the city, with VIP access, free bottle, hung out in the DJ booth all night).

 

i'll try an get her to elaborate more, when she said i havent even taken her on a date, i reminded her of multiple times.

[Ariel85]

It's my experience that people who think they are the perfect partner, and that their partner is not appreciative, tend to have some serious blinders on.

 

You may think you're giving her what she wants, but I don't think she feels the same way.

 

Something is missing.

[schultz]

she posses' all said traits

[AsianLove89]

She might be someone whose used to having people do everything for her.... definitely not my taste in women.

 

Thats exactly what i was gonna say...you have to brake her out of that habit...why dont you ask her exactly what it is your "not" doing for her and when she answers respond by showing her how you really do do things 4 her, ask her exactly what she is looking 4 u 2 do...maybe even try that out 4 awhile and if she still complaining then u need to let that go or ignore her

[schultz]

well, i guess i made a mistake by trying to bring this disorder to her attention, but hopefully she'll look into it and understand.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think it makes sense to diagnose someone with a disorder when you are not a doctor. It's like you trying to diagnose cancer in someone.

[Cheetarah]

well, i guess i made a mistake by trying to bring this disorder to her attention, but hopefully she'll look into it and understand.

 

 

No one wants to hear that they're possibly mentally ill(even if they are) - Not by someone they are or were close to. It's different when a mental health professional gives you a diagnosis(and the reaction to that isn't always pretty, either). It makes them feel as though you are doctoring them rather than treating them as an equal. We're all entitled to our opinions and our speculations, but bringing them up is a pretty big deal and should be treated as such. Someone(anyone) needs to be in the right frame of mind to be receptive to the idea that there might be something wrong, whatever it may be.

 

Moreover, after dating the woman for a year and a half, Schultz would have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to recognize those dysfunctional symptoms. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and lack of trust. These symptoms are as easy to spot as high fever, tiredness, head ache, and itching

 

But that doesn't mean they equate to BPD, though, which I believe is the general argument when it comes to someone being against 'amateur diagnosing'. BPD is just one label for a group of behaviors. In people with depression, these behaviors tend to be exhibited as well because of the fact that people resort to primal behaviors and coping mechanisms when they're not feeling functional.

 

Poppa, can you clear out your PMs? Your inbox is full.

[Cheetarah]

I'm not saying anyone is diagnosing. What I'm saying, is that that is where I believe the argument stems from. These behaviors can exist without BPD or even BPD 'traits'. As we've both stated many times over, they are primal, core defense mechanisms. It's not uncommon to see people engaging in these sorts of behaviors post break-up, after a job loss, or any other huge life stressor. Look around on this forum, actually. If I was to observe some of the behaviors here, I could say like 60% of these people have BPD with their erratic behaviors, mood swings, easy irritability, abandonment issues, black and white thinking, demonizing of their exes, self-sabotaging/self-harming behavior, binge drinking and eating, etc. These are traits that COULD be equated to BPD - But I believe these are situational behaviors - People resort back to their primal defenses and have clouded judgments and unstable emotions due to their overwhelming feelings.

 

Red herring, I think not. I was commenting on the difference in opinion between you and Ms. Darcy(or others that share that viewpoint). I, frankly, am exhausted of defending my opinion on this situation and gave up awhile ago. I use the term 'amateur diagnosing' as an umbrella term when referring to "BPD traits". Not that I actually believe you are dishing out a diagnosis, because I know better than this.

 

My whole point here - Generally speaking, it is not wise to tell someone "I think you have BPD/traits". It can backfire in your face and it's not up to us to police someone's behaviors like that. There's nothing wrong with seeking out information for oneself. There's nothing wrong with encouraging your loved one to seek professional help. There's nothing wrong with noting 'red flags' and watching out for one's own welfare. It's necessary. But let's face it - Most of the time when you try to 'help' by suggesting such things to your partner(or in some cases, to people's exes), most people tend to take a defensive stance. They do not feel like one's equal and instead feel like they're being doctored, under a scope and analyzed - And when someone feels that way, they won't be receptive to the idea, and your(generally speaking) attempts to help wind up being in vain and futile, and then YOU feel bad, unappreciated, and now your already rocky relationship is even more on the rocks. Best to learn as much as you can for yourself and make the choices that are right and healthy for you.

 

 

 

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, these are symptoms of Depression:

 

difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

fatigue and decreased energy

feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

irritability, restlessness

loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

overeating or appetite loss

persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

 

Here is the diagnostic criteria for BPD:

 

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5

 

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

 

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

 

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5

 

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.

 

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

 

Chronic feelings of emptiness

 

Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

 

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

 

Are you suggesting that depressed people, given their bleak mindsets, that some wouldn't be apt to behave in a "BPD-like" manner? After all, they're irritable, they feel empty, they think about killing themselves. When people are not properly functioning, they act in grave fashions. I know depressed persons who, when going through a period of depression and do not have BPD, that have behaved as erratically as someone who does.

 

You can't necessarily go by all 9 diagnostic criteria of BPD - Hardly any persons with BPD meet all of them. As you know, you have to meet 5 to warrant a diagnosis, and many people just have a few. While they may not have "BPD", they have struggles. And some of these traits are so commonplace(suicidal tendencies, emptiness, mood swings, etc) that they meet other PD or mental illness criteria.

 

There is another diagnostic criteria that's used when diagnosing personality disorders, as well as the DSM-IV:

 

Diagnostic Guidelines

 

Conditions not directly attributable to gross brain damage or disease, or to another psychiatric disorder, meeting the following criteria:

 

(a) markedly disharmonious attitudes and behavior, involving usually several areas of functioning, e.g. affectivity, arousal, impulse control, ways of perceiving and thinking, and style of relating to others;

(b) the abnormal behavior pattern is enduring, of long standing, and not limited to episodes of mental illness;

© the abnormal behavior pattern is pervasive and clearly maladaptive to a broad range of personal and social situations;

(d) the above manifestations always appear during childhood or adolescence and continue into adulthood;

(e) the disorder leads to considerable personal distress but this may only become apparent late in its course;

(f) the disorder is usually, but not invariably, associated with significant problems in occupational and social performance.

 

Poppa, there will always be people who disagree with the way you do things, no matter how much you explain and rationalize. And you likely, will disagree with me no matter how much I explain and rationalize, lol.

 

I think we've had many of these debates before and I have to say I totally enjoy them, but I think we will wind up going in circles as we have in the past.

 

Thanks for clearing out your inbox! I couldn't figure out why in the world the message wouldn't send, took me 10 tries before I noticed the message at the bottom.