How to deal with this?

[MissMazzi]

Hello.

 

Yesterday I managed to get my mind off him for the first time since the breakup and had a bit of fun, but in doing that I realised I alot of things, like how he must have been sick of all the petty arguments for a long time and how by now he must feel so relieved. I just can't stop reflecting on how I drove him to end it all. I keep thinking of everything wrong that I did which drove it to the end and just wish I could have done things differently and relaxed a bit... I was so very irrational and selfish and let it get the better of me. People tell me "If he loved you, then he would have stayed" etc, but I don't think that's true..How do you stay with someone who keeps upsetting you all the time? I drove him to lose his feelings for me. And I can't deal with it. Maybe if he had got bored by himself and with me not doing any wrong, I'd feel better but no...

 

I can't seem to accept that I was in the wrong I can't forgive myself for it or let it go...It's so hard. What do I do? It's as if my mind keeps going back on everything that led up to this, trying to correct it but simply can't.

 

This is the part which keeps setting me back...I feel that it's not fair to try and forget him by remembering all the bad things that he did, but what I actually did to drive it to the end....Ahhhh. Or should I think we both perpetuated that nasty cycle which in turn brought the end? Maybe I would feel better

 

I'm so bent on the way it ended. I wish it could have been something out of my control.

[LTS48]

This is a documented stage of the grief process: internalization. Your mind is chemically incapable of remembering what the relationship was like, only focusing on what YOU did to bring about the end result.

 

It takes two. If you were getting what you needed from him you would not have acted the way you did, remember the honeymoon phase? You were getting everything you needed and were on a chemical high because of that. Somewhere along the line you two differed in the way you approached your interactions, this resulted in your actions towards him and vice versa.

 

This phase will pass with time. Let yourself grieve, learn from your mistakes, but know that you weren't in this alone.

[Snuggly]

I spent forever going over every word, action, mistake I ever made. I beat myself up so bad. Then I found out he left because his gf had left her husband and was pressuring him to do the same. He didn't tell me, I found out later. If he had told me that, it could have saved me a lot of self blame and angst. My point is, you are only ever guessing - you don't know really what is going on in his life or his mind. Forgive yourself and let go of the pain

[MissMazzi]

Thankyou for the responses. I suppose I am only focussing on the bad things that I did but...I was so jealous and insecure sometimes he couldn't have a normal conversation without me making false assumptions about things. The thing is, I did realise I was being irrational shortly after and would apologise. Though I would keep slipping up from time to time, especially after I had a drink So I think I made it pretty much impossible for him...

 

But it could be that because I always had the "he's not that into me" vibe, I became this way? Because right now, it just baffles my mind to how I could have acted that way or any of these things come into my head..Crazy. I was not that way at the start..

[LTS48]

That is more than likely exactly what was happening. The power in a relationship lies with the one who needs it the least. If he is emotionally unavailable enough for you to feel that way then you have your answer. Now if this is a pattern with your relationships you need to take some time to figure things out and look in the mirror. Know when to stop looking in the mirror and start looking at your partners though.

[MissMazzi]

Awww =( I can't seem to let go.

Everyday since the BU, I have literally thought about nothing but us.

I want to carry on doing normal things but it's so hard. I have no motivation to indulge in my hobbies or see anyone...

I just want life to go back to normal and stop thinking about everything that had to do with us. Aghhh. Is this normal?

[MissMazzi]

I feel like I acted like the child and he was very mature about everything..

My actions and the way I behaved are going to haunt me forever......

How do I let go?

[strawberryjell]

"It takes two. If you were getting what you needed from him you would not have acted the way you did"

 

This has helped me feel loads better, LTS48. I, too, was beating myself up over the fact that my ex left me for my friend because I was being too clingy. However, I realized that he wasn't perfect, because he never communicated his need for more space or what he was unsatisfied with in the relationship. I also realized that he wasn't giving me as much love and attention as I desire in a relationship. I feel much better knowing that it wasn't all my fault. Thank you so much!