Broken up. How to win her back? (guide from experience)

[IceFireSoul]

Hello!

 

Most likely not a short story. But I'll be as descriptive as possible; and the story contains a few "Aha" moments that I had to reveal myself (even after reading so many ex-back guides and forums; I still made the obvious mistakes and believe me - they ARE mistakes). And I lost the girl that I only ever wanted to be with. So, the mistakes and rules first:

 

-When she tells you you're broken up - accept it - you ARE broken up. You will feel as if it's the "last chance to show her and stop her"; but the truth is that after she says it, it's too late (for the time being!). Unfortunately, when she gives you the word of the break-up; the moment when you could have done something is already in the PAST. So - ACCEPT it as hard as it is, lay low and start thinking, reading and wait.

 

-If you rather start BEGGING, understand that this, at first, will only make her feel for you a little (but not love!); and if you keep it up for longer; you'll loose not only all chance of being in love again; but also as friends. She will link you psychologically to a terrible stalker and will probably not talk to you even in a hundred years - because for her you'll be just that - a stalker; rather than someone that she shared good times with. The LAST thing that she experiences with you is what she will remember the most. So, if you accept right away and smile - she'll remember you with a smile later on. If you stalk - she'll remember just that. Now - which one of the two gives you a better chance at getting her back one day if ever?

 

-When she breaks up with you; it can generally be for two main reasons : she is angry; or she doesn't feel it anymore. In the first case begging/explaining might help. In the latter; almost nothing will ever help and I urge you to keep your friendship at least. If she ever feels it again, she'll tell you, but there is NOTHING you can do if the relationship has gone that far.

 

-Being sorry and regretting is not appropriate for you and it's not fair to you as well. Honestly - whatever you do to a girl; if she has the chemical cocktail in her head still; she'll rationalize it as "he didn't understood what he did, I'll show him, and I love him.". If the cocktail is finished; even the smallest mistake on your part (or even being nice) can be rationalized (and will be) as "I'm done with him, look what he did!". So the general reason for your breakup; especially if she "doesn't feel it anymore" is not in you. WHATEVER you were to do; she would have gotten to this point - it happens on it's own timer; and is irrelevant to what you do. So don't go over everything in your mind trying to relive the moments by doing better; and then go to her explaining how everything would have been different - and will be if she just gives you a chance. Just realize - no matter how those moments would have gone; she would have gotten to this point. And about a second chance - if she "feels it", she'd give you countless chances (women who are beaten up, devastated and humiliated; not to say that it's appropriate!; still stay with their partners and don't even call it a "second chance", they just stay, because they FEEL it).

 

-So understand : FEELINGS are very important for a woman. She actually GAUGES how she feels - and afterward rationalizes on those feelings. And then FEELINGS are something that you can do a little about. And what you can do is mainly through body language, scent, shared emotions - all in person. NO MATTER what you write in text messages, or e-mails will do. It might have helped at very first if you met her online, but it helped just to catch her curiosity (something that she can't feel for you now, since she knows you well). After that everything happens in PERSON. So don't shoot 1000 e-mails and messages to her. What all of them do is just one thing : they make her more and more ANGRY and finally; you will loose her for good. And believe me, that's what happens.

 

-So what you HAVE to do? It's simple and very hard to do, but if you see it in the right way, it will be less hard and will actually make you feel great. When she tells you it's a done deal between you - ACCEPT RIGHT AWAY! Tell her that you LOVE her; that you are sorry for this and that; AND that you're happy for her to move on that she can contact you for a drink anytime she wants to. Act light, happy and NON-EMOTIONAL (important!). If she doesn't contact you after a month; you can call her up - she'll certainly pick up if you haven't terrorized her during this month.

 

If you have, already; it's not over. It's just that you need to wait a total amount of more months. For every month that you torture her; you need to wait one month more after you stop. For example, terrorize her for 2 months with messages - when you stop, you'll wait 1+2 = 3 months until you call her (or maybe she will, too). It's also certainly important that you don't terrorize her for longer than your relationship was. If you had 2 year relationship and you begged for 3 months; it can be justified on her side after 4 months not contacting her. But if you had been for 2 months together and you then pursue her for 4 months; she will certainly not ever talk to you. So be careful!

 

Again, if you have been pouring your heart out in the form of messages and e-mails and finally realize that you need to stop - just do so! Don't tell her you're sorry; don't ask her "If I stop now, can we meet again in 3 months"; because she'll say no. But after you actually DO IT - you will stand a good chance at it happening.

 

What you really need to understand is that everything that you are DOING has an effect on her - and nothing that you are SAYING does at all. So:

 

-When she breaks up with you - saying that you are sorry - once - and eventually asking for a second chance means DOING that you are asking for a chance.

 

-If you repeat it - that is DOING - repeating. And this is bad! See? You can keep it up and tell her with countless messages (never repeating; always unique and super-romantic) how much you love her, why, what it would be if, what you have changed - but all of this is simply DOING REPEATING telling her that you love her. This is making her mad - rather than falling in love with you.

 

So, you've told her you're sorry, you've asked for a chance, she has said it's definitely over. What can you DO then?

 

You simply DO - NOT DOING ANYTHING. Because when NOTHING works - ... nothing WORKS! NOT DOING means DOING NOTHING. It's an action - and if you realize it, it will make you feel good. Every minute, hour, day when you DO nothing, you are getting closer to her in terms of that time passes and things change.

 

So finally, when she contacts you - or you contact her after the certain time frame has passed by (I know it's devastating, but actually helps - because you ARE broken up and only DOING - NOTHING will have you an edge over the situation) - you simply need to act cool and as a friend. Yes! As a friend. Because:

 

-If you mention how much you've dreamed of her calling/anticipated it/act too happy - she'll be scared, because she AT THAT TIME does not FEEL it yet.

-If you ASK her to get back together, she'll say NO - and you'll need a new DOING NOTHING period to clean this up.

-If you start explaining/begging/rationalizing - same thing or worse will happen.

 

So what do you DO? You simply act as YOURSELF. During the DOING NOTHING period you have certainly gotten your old self back; you feel good; you have done interesting things to talk about - and if you used to share some interests, you certainly have things to talk with her about. So why don't you simply act happy and ask how she is; tell her about you - don't include feelings; she does not need to know what you are feeling at this point, so simply don't share this. Talk about work; hobbies, things that happened AFTER THE BREAKUP. Don't include ANYTHING that happened BEFORE the breakup. Those are MEMORIES - and mentioning them will trigger an alarm inside her that you are trying to get something out of the situation - which you ARE - but it's super important to do it in a way that can't be detected at all! So talk freely, don't ASK for anything.

 

About a meeting - you can ask when you talk again. Will you, ever? Well, get this:

 

If she breaks up with you and you beg - you might scare her forever.

If you rather DO NOTHING, there is no point in not talking to her later on.

 

When you finally talk; if you beg, you might scare her forever.

If you, rather, act happy and fun to talk to, there is no point of not talking again.

 

When you do talk a few times, there is no point in not meeting ever again. At some point you will.

 

When you do meet, if you beg, you stand a good chance of scaring her forever.

If you, rather, act funny, lighthearted and open with her; there is no point in not seeing her again.

 

If you see her more than a few times; she will start to remember the old times on HER OWN and it's super important that it happens exactly that way. If YOU try to remind her, the alarm goes on right away.

 

Will you finally reconcile? Well, that I can't tell you. But believe me - if you follow this plan, you will 100% EITHER remain great friends for life - or reconcile. If you do ANYTHING ELSE, you will, in almost all cases, have to forget that you ever met her, because you won't be able to see her ever again. And believe me, as much as you might think right now that you want her BACK or NOTHING - actually loosing any chance of ever talking/seeing her again hurts 100 times more. I've been there and know it.

 

Even if you remain friends you will ever be able to help her, hold her hand in hard times, or see her age over the years. If you scare her off; all that you'll have will be her pictures on the wall. Whose you have to throw away as soon as she breaks up, by the way.

 

So, that's it. And one more thing - if the breakup occurred in a suitable time for this; bear in mind that if you first contact (after the DOING NOTHING period) falls close to the month/date when you first started going out; you stand a much better chance. Sometimes it's actually worth to wait up to a month more if that would help for your first contact to be around those dates. Why? Because around those dates Nature will be in the same state. Same skies, same smell in the air, same humidity; same flowers outside, same moments when the sun goes up/down. It's a natural cycle - and when it's matching the moments of your initial dates; she will be much more likely to start feeling "like she did before"; because Nature helps you in a way beyond your powers to recreate those exact moments once again. This isn't told in any breakup guide; but I consider it to be quite true and have field-tested it more than once.

 

I've gotten a girl more than once; and I've lost a true love as well. So I think that what I say holds some strength.

 

And above all, don't ever forget this, because most of the time you will have to be doing just that : DOING - NOTHING. Don't ever let this let you feel that you are "NOT doing ANYTHING" - you are rather "DOING nothing". It's an action - and it's the one action, that repeated enough days in a row will clean up the mess that your relationship ended into and will help you see the sun rise once again - for either a really close friendship (that can ever turn into something more, since you were intimate already and there is no real "Friend zone" anymore) - or it can simply lead to a happy reconciliation - on your terms!

 

PLEASE do what's right! Don't steer your relationships down the drain! Love deserves a second chance! Even a 20th chance, if it might be!

[mindi]

So, this post seemed a little crazy right around the part with the month calculations, but then I realized that a lot of this is actually true. The begging does feel a lot like stalking and there is someone who did this to me a few months after breaking up with me. He begged me and then demanded my friendship. I blocked him from ever contacting me again. Years later, he attempted a friendly message, but I still remembered the stalker stage and never responded to him again.

 

I had another ex who, after a couple of years of not talking, spoke to me in a friends only sort of way. We remembered why we clicked in the first place and got back together. Then I realized why we broke up to begin with and ended it shortly.

[LaKings55]

All this is pretty good advice, but you should include what you should be doing during this time away from the situation. Improving yourself by focusing on your health, and trying to enjoy hobbies and friends. The only other thing I notice missing from the above post is some basic wording guidelines when you do finally contact your ex. I'm curious to see what IceFireSoul would recommend specifically. This is actually more helpful though than a lot of the "guides" I've seen people talking about before

[lucasky]

Not bad advice, but you know, I don't think anyone can follow one person's story and apply it to their own situation. I got back together with my ex, I've posted a couple guides, but at the end of the day, you can't mimic someone else's story! You've gotta do your own thing and find your own way back to your ex.

[CMS]

pretty solid stuff dude, and props to you for sharing it with us instead of charging us 19.99 as an ebook, you are alright in my book, dude

[IceFireSoul]

I would like to add some more to my original thread by looking at What to do when away; What to say when you finally get in touch and discuss a little bit about fitting in a situation that has been personal.

 

In fact, I'll start with the third topic. What I have shared above is not based on a personal situation of mine. It's based on two complete e-books that I've went through; having gone through quite a few situations with a lost ex (and the two of them felt like the love of my life; I think that the second really was). It's also based on reading a lot of forums; watching every video on you tube and reading every free guide out there (I've spent more than a few months 6 hours plus reading those things - and then contemplating on all of this information when walking in the nature; or in circles (yes I do that too). So it's a summarized thing that has been generated through experience plus reading a lot - and then coming to some conclusions as of how things work. That also includes reading psychology, going to seminars about human relations and such.

 

So, what to the in the time when you are away from the woman you've lost?

 

You need to, exactly, focus on yourself. But it's not that easy of course, unless you really realize a few things and look at the situation from that proper perspective. First of all, I'll say it once again - day after day you are not (NOT doing anything); but rather are (DOING nothing). I am repeating this; because when away; thinking that she is slipping away in this VERY moment is the most major thing that makes us do crazy things that can and do lead to her not wanting to talk to us ever again.

 

So - every day wake up; if you have to, write it down on a piece of paper and redistribute it in your wallet, next to your bed, around your computer, in the bathroom - simply write "I am getting closer to her by DOING nothing.".

 

And then to what? Exactly; focus on YOU. It's really not only for you. It IS for her. So: (for each step I'll include a mindset that helps you BELIEVE that it moves you towards her - and they all do!)

 

-First of all, in very general, we have discussed that at every moment when you find yourself thinking that RIGHT NOW she might be forgetting you/seeing someone else (and yes, she might) and so on; remember - right now ANYTHING you do will be used against you. So you ARE DOING nothing!

 

-Eat healthy. This is important - as it improves your overall looks. It does! It changes the energy of your body and you start to radiate much healthier energy. And women are good at picking up your healthy status because they are hard-wired to seek a healthy mate. So when she sees you after some months down the road; the will see the difference. The mindset here? With each bite, with each gulp you are putting ENERGY into your body. This energy will help you to stay vital; look good and build up your body back for when she sees you. So every bite is a piece of her coming back. It is!

 

-Sleep enough - 8 hours is good even in summer in this period. The more hours you sleep - the more hours you will NOT have to live in the reality of her being away - and all of those hours still count up towards the day when you have allowed yourself to contact her (if she hasn't before that day). Sleeping is the ultimate moment when you body heals ALL wounds (including calming down towards your lost loved one); so simply going to bad and falling asleep puts your body in a stage or total recovery and helps a ton. If you are having hard time falling a sleep (trust me, I know what that feels like); wake up during the night; don't feel at all like falling asleep; or wake up around 6 AM in the morning, wanting to simply GO and FIND her and HUG her and NEVER let go - of course; don't do just that - but rather - close your eyes and in a very calming way say to yourself "I am going to get (name) back.". It's just as simple as that and DO BELIEVE it - it helps, since when you believe it, you become calmer and you know that actually closing your eyes and getting some more sleep will only drive you like a time machine towards the day when you'll be allowed (by yourself) to make a move. The mindset? In fact, it's not proven, but it has been actually observed - while we sleep over night; we might be able to get in touch with each other when we fall in the fourth stage of sleep when the mind produces gama rays. So, in fact, if you close your eyes and fall asleep, it's not impossible that your mind will be able to look for her in the quantum space and send a strong message of love that after all those nights she might start to pick and one morning she could simply wake up being unable to stop thinking how much she is missing you for no apparent reason at all. And in fact - this is exactly how it happens - if it does before you contact her. This might sound strange to some people - if so, please dicard.

 

...I will continue tomorrow with more steps and what to do when you get in touch.

[ldes20976]

good post. You refer to the dumper as 'her', do you think the same applies if the dumper is a boy?

[highcontrast]

Your two post's are fantastic IceFireSoul! And the first one especilly, everyone should read. Wish you'd posted it when i was breaking up! But thanks for posting and for putting all your research together like that.

[militaryman]

Quick question: what would you do if the ex contacts you and they are with someone else?

[militaryman]

Deleated....

[ngu11]

Quick question: what would you do if the ex contacts you and they are with someone else?

 

Act like an adult and have self respect! Don't be bitter...be cool or say nothing, Play dumb...if you give the other relationship validation...your ex will adopt that validation!

[jonr87]

This is such a great post, thank you very much

 

ngu11...on your validation point below got a query:

 

Act like an adult and have self respect! Don't be bitter...be cool or say nothing, Play dumb...if you give the other relationship validation...your ex will adopt that validation!

 

been invited to stay with ex next week at hers hour or so away, know shes been sleeping with someone else since break up 5 months ago, but dunno what the status of their relationship is...would u bring it up with her and ask her prior to agreeing to go and see her? would this be validating their relationship (assuming that there is one, quite possible that they finished a while ago)? havent been friend zoned to knowledge. looking at it objectively...? cheers!

[itsmeiz]

I can't believe how true this is. From personal experience, my last relationship, which was 2+ years long,went something like this. we broke up. in the beginning I begged, cried, pleaded please dont leave me,please come back. but none if it worked. it actually made her very angry and i was sure she hated me. she got a new bf and i just knew she would never talk to me again. so i gave up. I literally stopped speaking to her altogether. didn't hear from her for months. suddenly, out of nowhere, at 4 am, i get a random text that says "hi" and i'm thinking, w.t.f.???? But i responded. We talked about our lives, what's been going on, I mentioned NOTHING about the past. none of our memories. nothing at all. And guess what happened. suddenly SHE began bringing up old memories. SHE started to text me all the time, asking how come i never text her. SHE started to miss ME. and you know what, we are still very good friends till this day. we couldn't get back together because she is in love with her new bf. but you know what,that is OKAY with me. 100% okay. yes i still love her but i have moved on. I'm happy to have her as a friend, and we are still very close. Who knows what may happen in the future. but i'm glad she's still in my life, as i thought i lost her forever. THIS STUFF WORKS. so please try it.

[hausser]

NC does work, the hard part if you want to reconcile IMO is transferring the contact THEY MAKE to an actual "re go" of the relationship.

 

My ex rang and text me the night after seeing me out after over 30 days NC and over 6 weeks of not seeing her. It was a big shock tbh. Like a fool I rang and text back. We spoke for about an hour and I felt happy for the first time in ages upon putting the phone down. Anyway, sure enough, that night I had a text through saying sorry for this or that, then nothing then a few days later another text giving me old "now we're friends again, you can come and get you haircut up here." (Ex is a hairdresser)

I got dead excited, tried playing it cool, waited hours to text to her back and then some pretty nonchalant response....and...............NOTHING.

I waited hours and she didn't text back. I checked her FB (needed to) and some guy was messing her around by the looks of it. TBH I was pretty devastated. I did really hope and feel there was a chance, even some posters here said it sounded like it, but nahh she was just assauging her guilt. I did toy with the idea of just turning up at her salon, but figured that would make me look pathetic giving she didn't even respind to the text.

 

Anyway cut a long story short, I'd had just about enough of being messed around, so told her in no uncertain terms not to contact me again, and she didn't. Should I have waited or been a bit more patient? Possibly, but this wasn't some 2 week date, I lived with this girl and we went out for pushing 4 years. She had no right to barge back into my life and start messing me around all over again.

 

Moral of the story? NC does work for getting them to get back in touch. BUT, be careful about your expectations when and if they do!

 

If she got back in touch again, which I actually wouldn't be surprised if she did, I would not respond unless she/he specifically mentions a recon.

 

BTW Cool thread, and I agree with the starter's points.

[CrazyMiner]

This all sounds like a pretty well thought plan.

 

How would you recommend that communication is re-established? Phone/SMS/email? At the moment my ex and I are only communicating by email (at both our requests), so a phone call may be too much after NIC via email. And if by email, how would you word that first initial contact where the aim is to move from keeping things 'business like' to friendly?

[ngu11]

This is such a great post, thank you very much

 

ngu11...on your validation point below got a query:

 

 

 

been invited to stay with ex next week at hers hour or so away, know shes been sleeping with someone else since break up 5 months ago, but dunno what the status of their relationship is...would u bring it up with her and ask her prior to agreeing to go and see her? would this be validating their relationship (assuming that there is one, quite possible that they finished a while ago)? havent been friend zoned to knowledge. looking at it objectively...? cheers!

 

Sounds like an interesting situation. You HAVE to treat it like a new relationship! i.e. she probably wasn't a virgin prior to meeting you so if you can, keep as cool as possible. Just don't let her mess you around...answer to my q? DON'T bring it up. There's plenty of time for that if she's serious about getting back together with you.

[IceFireSoul]

All right. Let me continue, first on What to do when away from your ex for a few months, e.g. when doing NOTHING (directly); but it's still an action!

 

We discussed that you need to eat well and sleep well - and also why those are an actual steps towards getting your ex to the best possible terms in time.

 

It's also very important that you:

 

-Work out - be it weight training, or endurance training. Going to the gym/lifting weights, EVEN if that's not your thing, is a very good thing to do in this period. Everywhere you'll read that this helps your body naturally release endorphins and that it will make you feel better - but there is another reason that I have observed to be true over a long period of time with many experiments and have also researched information on it. Now, we don't know for sure if pheromones exist - but try it for yourself and you will see - when you start lifting weights (resistance training), the body releases endorphins that make women much more attracted to you - it seems like things just start to "happen" and you can't really tell why. I've made numerous experiments with this and it is exactly when I start on a bi-daily routine working out when I suddenly have success with a woman without doing anything for it. I can elaborate a lot on this field-tested theory; but for now, all we need to know is that it works. So every time you work out; you are charging our "aura" with those pheromones - and when you eventually meet your ex in time; she won't know why - but will be attracted to you that much more. Endurance training, on the other end, (running, swimming, jogging); will give you a great feeling of freedom and will help you not think about her instantly - and this is a great thing that also helps time go by.

 

-Work - yes, work! It's very hard to stay focused in this period, especially in the first few weeks to a few months (sometimes for the whole period of waiting); but still - you need to do it. And there is a good mindset for this as well. Have you ever noticed how, if you stay at home "moping around"; noone calls you and you wish someone would - but if you, rather, get super active and start doing things in your life all the time; suddenly, "out of the blue" people start remembering you, looking for you and things just happen? This has to do with quantum physics and the law of attraction again - so think about it that way and it will be much easier for you to focus in your work, rather than keep constantly thinking about her.

 

And well, that's about it. In all break-up guides you will find things like "Enjoy your hobbies", "Spend time with friends", "Be happy". All of those are great if you can do them - but the reality is that you will become able to do them over time. The first that you will become able to do will be spending time with your friends - but at first you might find yourself talking with everyone for her - which will actually drive your friends slightly away over time - so don't overdo it. Find the ones who are really into listening to you and spent the most of your time with them. As time goes by, you will become able to enjoy some hobbies or will find yourself being happy for brief periods at first; later on - for longer. But at first, just stick to the four main activities - Eat well, Sleep well, Work out a lot; and Work. Those can fill up all of your time pretty easy and make the minutes, hours, days and weeks go by.

 

WHAT IF THE DUMPER IS A BOY?

 

Well, there was a question whether this changes the dynamics of the situation. It does. So I am open to asking any specific questions. There is one guide online that has different books for women and for men - and it's quite true that things are different depending on this. The two sexes behave differently and love in a different way; for different reasons and feel differently; so the approaches differ too. The waiting period remains; only what you do when you finally contact can be different.

 

SO WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU FINALLY CONTACT HER?

 

Quite simply. Still - almost nothing! Anything that sounds like "I was waiting for this"; "I love you" or anything such will push her away - and very quickly. You might find yourself blocked from her life for a very long time (or forever) if you make the mistake of being nice, romantic or sweet towards her. You also should NOT start talking about the past; including good times even!

 

So what to do? Simply talk to her. Have an almost boring conversation - no emotions, no feelings, no memories. Just discuss how she is, what's going on, tell her a story about your days. Don't offer to meet her right away; as you wouldn't offer this to a friend as well. The idea is to have a very NORMAL conversation - as if she is "just someone". Any slight hint that you are placing her on a pedestal will make her run like hell and never look back. Remember - she dumped you - and that's a decision that is already made. By simply contacting her and because she responded, you have not reversed this decision at all. You really need to take it extremely slowly, place yourself back in her life (by having normal conversations); offer to catch for a cup of tea when you talk to her a few times; and slowly build up your connection back. It will be going very slow at first; but there will be a moment when suddenly she will start to open up for you - to some extent - and you really will be amazed how quick things are going. A chart can be drawn to show this better; but in general it's something like this - at very first, if you act romantic towards her, she will ignore you altogether; while if you act as a friend - she'll stay. After time passes; she becomes more and more open to you behaving more romantically towards her; but a lot has to be written for this as well. But still - what to do when you finally contact her - have the mindset of "I like this Person as a Person; I enjoy her company as a Human Being; I value every moment with her for what it is, i do not want anything, I rather give, listen, and share". No "love", no "I want to", no "Do you remember when...". All of those eventually will come up later. But even if they don't you've done the best you can - and you will achieve the best in the course - which means; if she doesn't love you or is not open to loving you again; no matter what you do, she won't be with you - but she will easily ignore you and it hurts a lot more. On the other hand; if she has some feelings; you can, again, either scare her off if you go fast; or let her be around you for quite a while so that she can start to grow those feelings and one day realizes she is in love.

 

In almost every break-up guide, little is written about what to do when you finally get in touch; but in fact this is the most important part and probably there can be a book only on this subject. This is exactly when the things get personal and very different from situation to situation - and it's very important to understand what your situation is. But in very general, once again - DO NOT LOVE HER through your words; but through your actions. When you talk - be gentle, nice, caring - but never SAY (verbalize) ANYTHING from the past, nothing about love, nothing about longing or missing her even! All of those things sound like they would melt her heart; but in reality they will scare her off and you will be left being very sorry for that you were such a fool to express any feelings. Feelings are not to be told, anyways - but rather, to be felt. She will only start feeling again as you spend time with her; not by telling her what YOU feel, rather.

 

WHAT IF SHE CONTACTS YOU WHEN SHE'S WITH SOMEONE ELSE?

 

Well, this is rather simple, too. The other guy is either a rebound (I'm sure we all know about what a rebound is, so I won't verbalize on it; I'll just say that there IS such thing - I've done a great research on the topic, including that I've talked to so many persons and learned that rebounds are a reality) - or the guy could be a real relationship - that will either end or not. The possibilities are endless, but what you are aiming for is not to GET HER BACK; but to REACH THE BEST TERMS WITH HER. She will set the borders - yes, it hurts, but it's so true. All that you can do is LOVE her - and again, not through words; but through actions (Actions speak 10 times louder than words). So what to say if you get in touch and she's with another guy? Just have a normal conversation - once again - and don't rush anything. Don't ever say "It could have been me, the one next to you now"; or "I wish WE would do this/go there" and things like this. All of this will push her away extremely quickly and very far. Just have a normal conversation and plant yourself slowly back in her life. Yes - she might be done with you; or might not be; and even if she is, the best opportunity for you to get back together is by getting in her life slowly and positively. It's clear that if you do something stupid, like act jealous or tell her you still love her when she is with another man; she'll resent you and/or ignore you - and this will be far from the best position from where you can work your relationship back up.

 

OVERALL

 

Finally, understand one thing. People are SELFISH. This, in psychology is actually referred to as a good thing. I won't go into sharing my personal opinion of it; but let's simply remember that it's true. And this gives the answer to all of the questions that you might be asking yourself!

 

-But HOW COME she loved me that much and is now with someone else? - People are SELFISH.

-But HOW COME we shared this and that; and now she doesn't remember it even? - People are SELFISH.

-But HOW COME we used to share one bed; and now she is ignoring me and doesn't want to see me? - People are SELFISH.

 

What do I mean by that? Well, just that! People are selfish! Think about it - SELF-ish. We care about our-SELV-es. So, she does, too! Whether a girl will be with you is by far not based solely on what you share, how attractive you are, what you say, or what you do. Other factors are involved, like her status at the moment, her situation, what she NEEDS in life in terms of a partner and in general - and many more. So it could be that at some point she needed what you are; and now has taken the best of you and has moved forward to something else; keeping what she got form you; and without needing YOU anymore. Yes, yes - I know - "But this isn't how to get her back!". Well, it actually is. You simply need to be calm, cool and understand the reality of the fact that people are selfish. So how to get her back?

 

-Certainly by not pleading, asking, begging. Because what are you doing with this is, you are telling her YOU NEED HER. So what?!?! She is selfish, so she couldn't care less for that. She wants what SHE NEEDS.

 

-Certainly by not telling her you LOVE her; that She is the best in this world and so on. "Wait, but before, when we were together, she craved for those words from me; and I never told her how much I love her!". Well - your mistake. Can be fixed - but not by telling her NOW. BEFORE she, as being selfish, and NEEDING YOU - also needed to hear every single flattering word or cute name you were able to tell her. But now, she, again being selfish, and NEEDING something else; does NOT want to hear those words from you.

 

So, what to do?

 

Well, honestly, you can not do anything TO GET HER BACK - but again, you can do everything TO GET AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE and see if she'll start NEEDING you again. If right now she is not with you, not on speaking terms with you, or has even ignored you and told you to never contact her again - this is just because RIGHT NOW she has something/someone else and does not NEED you. And we all are like that. When we have exactly what we need - we can't need anything else.

 

But remember, things change. Apparently! Once she used to get lost in your eyes; professing her undying love for you; and then she told you that "Well, that was BEFORE".

 

So why not realize that even if right now she is away; this current moment will, one day, be the "Before" of a new reality?

[militaryman]

Awesome post with lots of very good points IceFireSoul! Thank you for taking the time to write all this!

 

I just had an idea while reading all of this: If you begged and pleaded and said how much you loved her and want to be with her etc... and then went into NC and said that you'll never be just friends with her. Once contact is established again, after months of self radical self improvement, would acting like a friend and as if you don't remember the past just like you said work like reverse psychology? People always want what they cant have, and here is a person who she thought she had, but now he is more attractive is acting completely different than before (from a neediness point of view). What are your thoughts?

[IceFireSoul]

HOW TO REESTABLISH CONTACT EXACTLY

 

Well, it doesn't matter too much. It's all about what SHE wants, although that you are coming from what YOU want. You want HER - but she either:

-Wants you too, but hides it;

-Does not want you at all or;

-Doesn't know

 

So, what to do? Just do establish contact. If it's after a long NC period; phone works the best. In fact, every method of communicating has it's pros:

 

-Phone - the best for sure. You catch her unprepared; it's much harder to hang up right away if you act cool and are cold with her (not harsh though). It's a natural way of communication, something that we can't say for sms or e-mails.

 

-In person - even better than phone; but you need to stage it so that it looks as if it's happening by chance. If you seem to know her schedule, or can use the help of some friends; make it appear as if you are "running into her after all those months". This is the best way to get a chance at talking to her again even if the has ignored you out of her life completely. It's by chance, so it just HAPPENS and she can't do much but talk to you for a while. You then use this conversation in order to be friendly AND cold at the same time; and ask for her number - tell her you've lost it over the months; but that you two can catch-up some time. She will most likely hand it off to you.

 

-Mail - if you still decide to go that way; a hand-written letter is much better than an e-mail - if not for any other reason; at least because she can actually KEEP it and see it later, even if she doesn't reply/act on it right away. It something that will remain for her; and will be a memory-bringer for many months/years to come. So - if you decide to write something down; make it a real letter.

 

-E-mail/Skype/sms - finally, if nothing more real is possible; you can go that way too. Just be brief, short, happy and act as if you are "just telling her something"; not as if you are "contacting her after so many months". In other words - don't come off too strong. Rather, do just the opposite.

 

HOW TO TRANSFORM FROM BUSINESS TO FRIENDLY

 

Well, don't forget, it's all about what SHE wants. So... Is you ARE communicating and it's being kept super-business-like; there is little you can do to transform it to friendly on your terms - but you can do a lot to make her ignore you. So - keep it business-like and drop here and there a small bomb of friendliness - but do it super casually; and be extremely alert for her reactions. Any distracted/detached reaction of the type "I want to go read a book"; "I have to go now"; or changing the subject (not picking up on your friendly note; rather ignoring it) is a huge sign that you need to give it more time until you progress. If you try to progress 2-3 times in a row; after a few ignores of your advances; she will most likely burst out; start yelling and from there it will be a well-paved way to you being ignored/kicked out of her life for good. So - how to progress from business-like to friendly interaction - slowly; over time; and by simply GIVING HER THE CHANCE rather then pushing her - she will bite it when/if she ever wants. But even if it never happens; at least you know you haven't been blocked/ignored for acting too quick/irrational.

 

SHOULD YOU BRING OLD MEMORIES?

 

Again - NO! As an earlier poster mentioned it too in order to back-up what I'm saying; your only goal is to GIVE HER THE CHANCE to see you again/miss you/think about you/remember you. You are not MAKING HER want you - because you simply can not! It's all HER decision - your part is well-known - you want her; but this, on it's own, does not mean being together. But then, the two of you wanting each other does mean that - so you are simply giving her the chance. It's all that you can do - for every woman out there; including your ex. You memories then, are a powerful weapon; but it can be used against you and blow in your hand if you try to bring those up while you are in the business-like communication state; or when you first initiate contact. By communicating for a longer period she will bring those on her own - and THEN you will have the power to use them against her by almost brushing it off; but still acknowledging that those times were good.

 

REMEMBER - IT'S ABOUT WHAT SHE WANTS, NOT YOU

 

In order for the two of you to get back together; you both need to want it (logical). Currently, it's YOU the one who wants it. ALL that you can do is LET her see you/hear you/reevaluate you and if she starts to want it too, then it's when you can start being nice, lovely, romantic. Before that all that you can be is mature, cool, somewhat cold, friendly and caring for her, but NOTHING more. Anything more will ring her natural alarm - in the same way as it would of any woman on the street if you approach her and say you love her out of the blue (well, that might work 1/1000 of the time in fact); but NOT with your ex!

 

The mindset of "But we were together; she MUST be still able to feel and celebrate my romantic behavior" is WRONG!

 

Yes - you WERE together - you can't be more right about that! And since you WERE; and you ARE NOT anymore; - remember - girls live in the RIGHT NOW. We, guys, often live in the PAST by remembering and wishing it could be true NOW once again - or by dreaming and almost feeling like it's RIGHT NOW (and since it's actually not and our bodies know that, we feel so sad at times). But girls are EXTREMELY real. For them, everything that HAS BEEN is a MEMORY and NOT a reality anymore. So the ONLY way to get her back is to capitalize on the REALITY - which means - have a fun conversation, listen to her problems NOW; drop a friendly bomb here and there; but do it very slowly and don't think that your PAST can help too much. It can, but only after she actually starts to FEEL something within the REALITY OF NOW. And by remembering old times too early; she is actually FEELING resentment - which is the last thing that will make her open towards really reminiscing on the old time with you; and wishing they were not just old times.

[IceFireSoul]

Awesome post with lots of very good points IceFireSoul! Thank you for taking the time to write all this!

 

I just had an idea while reading all of this: If you begged and pleaded and said how much you loved her and want to be with her etc... and then went into NC and said that you'll never be just friends with her. Once contact is established again, after months of self radical self improvement, would acting like a friend and as if you don't remember the past just like you said work like reverse psychology? People always want what they cant have, and here is a person who she thought she had, but now he is more attractive is acting completely different than before (from a neediness point of view). What are your thoughts?

 

Many men do this. She brakes up with us; most of the time suddenly and after being so close for so long - and we do fly off the handle - and this is god damn normal. The more emotional you are (considered "immature"); the more you loved her - but then; the more errors you are likely to make when it all burns in pieces in front of your eyes. And so; you beg and plead, and tell her how you would relive it all if you had a chance; what you wish you had done; and hadn't done; and how beautiful it can be right now; and how nice it will be forever - but she has made up her mind (of course) and nothing seems to reach her at all. And so; you finally send that final message and tell her to bug off (even though she said the same to you first) and you tell her that you can't ever be friends, because you don't see her that way and you simply can't not be what you were once again; that she's free to go or be with you, but you can't settle for less. And she goes; since they all are FINE with losing you forever almost in all cases when the break-up is caused by them "not feeling it anymore" (let's call it BU type 1); while if she's angry with you; we can refer to this as BU type 2.

 

Anyways; what to do when you finally go NC; work on yourself and do get the chance to talk to her again?

 

It's simple! You don't know if she has someone else; don't know if she wants anyone; but you know one thing - she hasn't been calling you for all those months and it's you who is initiating finally. So apparently she MIGHT BE WILLING to be with you; but does NOT WANT or KNOW it yet. (or she might not want). So again, all you want to do is give her the CHANCE to see you and reevaluate you compared to her current situation in life; which you are not even familiar with most likely.

 

Act cool, cold and friendly. When we try to describe how to act in any given situation; a long explanation doesn't help, since when you do talk to her, you can never remember all that has been written. So, using a MINDSET helps 100 times better.

 

And the appropriate mindset? Here it is: "I just thought of you by chance; so wanted to see how are you; and if you'd like; why not catch up for a coffee just for the sake of it".

 

Yes - no I Love you's. Because after begging and pleading and finally going away you have terrorized her and made her very angry. If you are lucky enough for her to start talking to you after all this time - bear in mind that she is testing the waters wishing you've changed. And the biggest chance for you can be just that - you are now mature and are able to be around her without DEMANDING, without WANTING and WISHING and BEGGING like a kid. Now you are a standing rock in the winds of change; you are strong and you are reaching out to her to give her a sense of strength and security and just to see how she is. If anything is to happen, it's HER the one who has to actually see you being rock-solid and start to FEEL it for you again.

 

Remember - women don't THINK what they want. The evaluate how they FEEL and afterward rationalize on what they've found after pinging their FEELINGS. And of course the FEELINGS are a mix of chemicals within the brain first; and then everything else. So what do you do? You simply act cold but friendly, like a rock; make her get those chemicals again (she did once; so biologically you two ARE compatible and that is a sure sign it will happen again) if she is emotionally available (not with another man) and if you don't blow it by telling to her BRAIN you love her before she has had to chance to ping her chemicals first before becoming receptive to your "I love you"'s.

[Doofus]

What about this situation: I broke up with her, she pleaded, drunk texted etc. for months. During that time I did tell her I was open to getting back together, but she always backed out, I guess she was afraid of getting hurt again. After about 6 months, she went NIC, then last month asked for NC. I agreed, saying I loved her and, as a sign of that love, would not break NC until she was ready. She asked for NC at about the time she started seeing someone else. I didn't know it at the time, found out like the next day. I asked her if that was why and she said 'no'. I don't know why she would lie, but... Anyway, I'd at least like to be friends with her. At least.... But I feel that if I contact her, I'll have to address the whole 'I won't contact you because I love you and it's what you want' thing. So, if I do break NC, 1. I don't like my chances given that she's seeing someone 2. It will feel like I'm breaking a promise and I, therefore, can't be nonchalant about it. Help.

[Wildcars]

I believe this applies to both sex..

 

It's based on reverse psycology!

 

Good going IceFireSoul

[Brownstone322]

After about 6 months, she went NIC, then last month asked for NC. I agreed, saying I loved her and, as a sign of that love, would not break NC until she was ready. She asked for NC at about the time she started seeing someone else. I didn't know it at the time, found out like the next day. I asked her if that was why and she said 'no'. I don't know why she would lie, but...

Dude ... that was exactly why. And why wouldn't she lie about it?

[CMS]

Dude ... that was exactly why. And why wouldn't she lie about it?

 

Dude women lie about that all the time, the reasoning could range from 1) want to keep you on back burner; 2) does not want to hurt your feeling; or 3) its none of your damn business

[Doofus]

Well, yes... but she had put it up on fb. She knew I would find out as soon as I checked, which I did the next day. So I don't think it's 1). When I found out, I emailed asking her why she didn't just tell me, that I would have understood if that was the reason for NC and she said, one thing - asking for NC - had nothing to do with the other - seeing someone. I emailed one last time saying that I understood her need for NC and I wanted her to be happy and I wouldn't break NC unless she did. And that was it.

I guess the confusing thing is that the dynamic for so long after the BU was her begging me to come back, me saying OK, her changing her mind before we could meet up. Then she went NIC, which I reciprocated eventually (so no contact for a month before our final communication). Then she asked for NC because she needs to heal, she says. I am far more upset about not ever having contact with her again, than I am about her finding someone else. I think she knows that, so I don't think it's 2). 3) is true, but if we're never going to speak again, why end things on what she knew would be an easily discovered lie (of omission, anyway...)

The only thing I can think of is that she is not over me and is trying different things to help in that process, including another guy and asking for NC.

Anyway, I guess I just have to wait and hope she'll reach out again. The reason I asked about what to do is that, in this case I'm the dumper and, according to the theory as promoted by many here, it's the dumpers responsibility to re-initiate contact. I want to, but I probably shouldn't after I promised I wouldn't. Still, I think it's been 6 weeks now since we had any contact and we had a month off prior to that. Ugh... I guess I just miss her and need to vent a little. Thanks for listening.