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Things may be looking up - How do I not blow it?!


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A bit of background information. I’m 21, he’s 35. We were together 2.5 years. We had a petty row on 26 February which led to him breaking up with me. We went out a few times after this, and things were really looking up, but then I went over board with sending text messages, and he asked for a week of space. After this week, he said he still didn’t know what he wanted, so had to say it was over as he didn’t want to string me along and hurt me further. I asked him to promise that if things changed, he’d get back in touch. I should mention, when we broke up, we were two weeks away from moving in with each other. He later admitted after the break up that he’d got cold feet and that he wasn’t ready. I also felt the same. I just wish we’d have mentioned it to one another before things blew up like they did. I think the petty row led to what it did, purely because we’d not spoke about our concerns. But this is just me speculating.


Contact has remained between us, but quite low contact. Sometimes, I do go over the top and get carried away with myself, but last week, he did say he understands why.


So, here is the most recent update:


S said he'd text after work on Thursday last week. And in all due fairness, he did, but said he'd had to go to his mum's and would text me the day after. He called me "hun" in that message. And I said ok not to worry, you're ok though? And he said yeh babe, no problems. Talk tomorrow. Night. – again, calling me babe. This may seem small, but he’s aware of how much I read in to things, and so refrains from putting stuff like that in messages.


So Friday morning, I text him. And it was a little in-depth (not nearly to the extent they used to be though). He replied a few hours later and said he'd been busy. He said "Maria, please control the texts. I've been busy. We will meet up in a few weeks hun. But please stop the pressure."


I am assuming he is saying a few weeks, as he's away this weekend, and it's the first week of the school holidays now, which coincides with the general pay day for most people, and it gets rammed in the pub (he has a restaurant, hotel).


So I said, "Thank you. No more pressure. Promise. Can I have one wee kiss? (this is tongue in cheek, not me being pushy, I knew it’d made him laugh as it goes against me saying “no pressure”) and he replied, "Smile instead (which, as I just mentioned, he refrains from putting stuff like that in texts) so I just replied saying, "Lol, cheeky. Just to be clear, it's ok to text each other every other day, just general chit chat?" and he said "Yeh, can do. I'm going to see Paul in Scotland tomorrow until Tuesday, so after that is fine hun." – His cousin who he is visiting has recently been attacked horrifically, and so I understand why he’s asking not to text when there, as I imagine it’ll be an emotional weekend for him.


So, Saturday before he left, I told him to drive safely, and thanked him for agreeing to meet and that I was looking forward to it. He replied saying, “Already half way there. Speak next week. Take care.” I didn’t respond to this. Usually, I would. I haven’t text or called since then.


So, now, how do I react? I will text him tomorrow to ask how is weekend was, and that I hope his cousin is ok. It’s my birthday next week, and last week at some point, he said if we agree to meet up (as I’d proposed a coffee meet up, and he said he’d consider it), then it’d be before my birthday. So, now, my mind goes in to over drive. I want to ask him to meet me Wednesday, hope this’ll go well and maybe go for a meal on Sunday, then hopefully, things would go well and we’d be able to go for lunch on my birthday… See why I’m seeking advice? I know this is just my adrenaline going, and my mind over thinking things, and wanting everything to be fixed yesterday! If I tell him I want all of those things, he’ll be flabbergasted, I imagine. He said in the texts mentioned above to stop the pressure, and so I want to respect that wish.


I’m just not sure how to act, what to do, how to approach the suggestion for meeting up. There's a restaurant in the next town that we often used to go to, and before 5.00pm, they do a three course meal offer for £9.95. I was thinking that could be an idea for one evening this week, but again, I don't want to be too full on. I don't want to push him away when things may finally be looking up.


This is the first time since before I had an operation at the end of March that he's agreed to meet me. It feels like a big step, but I don't want to blow it.


Any help greatly appreciated.

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P.S. The age difference does was never a concern for either of us. I act older than I am, him younger than he is, and so we met somewhere in the middle. Last time I posted about the age difference, I had a few upsetting comments. I'm a firm believer in love having no limits, and so I'd appreciate it greatly if people were not negative about this. I love him for him, not for the number of years he's been on the planet.

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Honestly - he's asked for space yet you continue to text.


He is being polite in his responses because he does truly care about you but caring isn't enough to want a relationship back.


Why not just 100% give him some space. Let him see what life is like without you... let him miss you. The low grade contact you are having isn't giving him that opportunity not to mention you read way more into a text message where he calls you "hun" than you should.


I'm not trying to be hurtful but honest. I had an ex - we are dear friends now but I never gave them the opportunity for him to miss me... for him to know it was me he wanted... I couldn't trust him enough to do that so I was always around thinking that would increase my chances but honestly it had the opposite effect.


If you are to have any chance at all in the future with this guy... leave him alone for a good long while.



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Whenever I've asked to meet previously, he's always said no as I'd read in to it. He knows exactly what I'd want from meeting up, and so I'm assuming that he's agreed to meet, on this understanding. I should have mentioned the message I sent on Friday. I said to him, I don't want to waffle on, and push you away further, but I just want to know where I stand. You know what I want from this. If you'd like to meet for coffee and play things by ear, then that's great. But if not, let me know, and I can come and pick up the rest of my things from your place, we'll sell our joint belongings, and we can go our separate ways. And that's when he said he'd been busy and to control the texts, and that we'd meet up in a few weeks.


I was on holiday the week before last, and didn't take my phone with me, so wasn't in contact for a week. I know a week isn't great, but I am trying.

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If you have to think in advance when you are going to contact him and when it is not a good sign. May I ask you what your birthday has to do with it? Are you thinking somehow that you have to rush things so you can spend your b-day together?


Also he specifically asked for no pressure. if you want to show him how you changed, please do not contact him the first possible day on the pretense that you want to know how his cousin is doing. Show some kind of restraint.


He agreed to meet you. Don't you think it is just to catch up or just to set up a time when you can pick up your belongings?


I think you should lower your expectations a bit. Just deal with it one day at a time. Don't make plans in advance with regards to your birthday. He knows it will be your bday, let him invite you. If he does he is ready, if he doesn't it means he needs more time.

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I know I need to back off. Hence why I've come in here. I know my faults, I know I overthink things, text too much etc. I don't come here for criticism, I come for support.


I know it isn't to arrange getting my things, because in the response to the question where I ask where I stand, do I get my things or do we meet for coffee and see how things go, he says we'll meet up. He also knows I am not interested in just catching up. He knows why I want to meet up, and what I expect from it. He wouldn't meet me for another reason.


You're maybe right about not contacting him on his first day back.


Thanks for the comment re: the birthday. Yes, this is what I wad hoping. To spend it with him. Silly, I know.

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Please note that we are supporting you. As we are removed from the situation it may be easier for us to see the big picture. I am no way advocating nc. I have read your posts and the best thing you can do is show him how you have changed. When this guy will stop saying things like ''control the text'' '' stop the pressure''. You will know that both of you will be in a better place.


If he has any interest in reconcilling this is what he will be looking for..so show him!

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Hey love, hope you're doing ok! Been reading this thread and I think you gotta be as cool as a cucumber right now. I know exactly how you feel - that tiny bit of change you've seen in him regarding his more positive response to meeting up with you is a massive development for you, Ive been there too. What you have to do now is use this new found positivity you have to work for you. It's all on his terms at the moment .It's all about him. Show him you CAN go without texting him for a few days - be busy,busy.busy - I know its really hard when he is on your mind 24/7 (my ex is too) but you need to convey to him that you are NOT a needy little girl and CAN have a life without him, even if for now you are just faking it. Make him wonder what you're upto. If you suddenly stop contacting him now it'll make him wonder! Be mysterious, be the one who is busy, be the one who doesn't always answer the text first.

Give it a go hun

good luck

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You have a big chance here: instead of going through with a cold/all-out-breakup without any contact and possibility to reconcile, he clearly has indicated that he is interested towards a possible reconnection with the caveat that you adjust your behavior. - See this as a huge chance and challenge.


The best you can do is to try to relinquish all control of the situation (such as plotting out what would have to happen in order for you to spend your birthday with him) and let him do most of the contacting.


The possibilities to act right are significantly smaller than to screw this up (this is not to scare you, but that is the reality of the situation). He has already broken up with you, i.e. in order for him to rethink this decision he needs to see a big change. Thus you have to make double the effort to cut down your anxiety and the need to be in touch with him.


However, since you are broken up, this is not only about how he wants you to change, but this is also an opportunity for you to overthink your life and what you want from a relationship and if there are maybe things that you would need HIM to do differently in order for you to agree to give the relationship another try.


If you are going back to someone who you have dated before, it's utterly important that you minimize the potential for previous problems and communication issues. You do not want to go back to what was before (since that lead to a break up), but you want to return to a stronger/better relationship.


In all honesty, if I was you, I would suggest to separate your belongings. If you decide you don't want to reconcile, then it's a done thing and you don't have to deal with it anymore. If you are reconciling, you will not care about that since you will be celebrating your new relationship. By going through with separating your belongings, you both will give each other the chance to truly think everything over and to have a truly new beginning if you both chose so. Don't use the issue of the belongings as a 'negotiation/hostage' item, i.e. a means to have to stay in touch with him. Your interaction with him should not be about that, but about if you both feel the other is the person you want to be with and how to make it work for both of you. It would also indicate to him that you are taking his concerns and the break up serious. It should have no bearing on the outcome of a possible reconciliation or not.


The other comment I have: you know he is still contemplating a possible future with you (that's a good thing!), thus do not try to rush him into making a decision by making these type of statements: "I said to him, I don't want to waffle on, and push you away further, but I just want to know where I stand." Sure you have a right to know where you stand. But you already know: the relationship is over for now. Don't push him too quickly to make up his mind (I understand your anxiety is high about this), since if you push him too much, he will simply withdraw the option for a reconciliation in the future.


If you truly want another chance, you have to give it time. I understand that you don't want to wait for years, but a few weeks/months is not unreasonable. That doesn't mean that you have to put your life on hold in the meantime. Since you are officially broken up, you also have the possibility to move on if you so chose. - That is the risk that HE is taking, that he might lose you if he takes too much time to make up his mind. You could simply decide to start looking who else is out there. If you find someone else - great, you have nothing lost. If you don't find someone else and he asks you for another chance - that will be the timepoint when you have to make a decision. But you don't have to sit dwiddling your thumbs until then.

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Penelope, what a fantastic response. Wow. Thank you. I really am going to take all of those comments on board. Unfortunately, my mother has been taken ill today, and so now, my priority is looking after her. It'll be good for me to focus me energy on her instead of him. You're right about not rushing him. Hey, if I have to forfeit one birthday, to spend a bunch more with him, then I can't grumble.


Thank you so much for your positive response, it's just what I needed xxx

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Aw Carrie, I am sorry!


Love, you've gotten some good advice on this thread. I would just add that I get the distinct impression that he sees you as needy and insecure (assuming you will read too much into what he says and writes, telling you to calm down with the texts, asking over and over for space, telling you not to push him further away). Is that true? How can you make sure that you back off for a while?

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It's very true, I'm exactly that way. I'm not sure what to do. Maybe I could make my communications with him less in depth. Maybe sometimes not reply to a text from him. Not in a rude or ignorant way, but, say if he replies to a text and says yeh I'm ok thanks. I'll text back and say good, I'm glad you are. When really, there's no need to. Have you any advice on how not to come accross this way?


Carrie, I'm so sorry. If you want to meet up, let me know xx

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