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Moment of truth (Moment of Trust)


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Please help me, fellow EnotAlone members.

I came to this forum when I was 13 or 14. (different username) I was self harming, I had been sexually assaulted, I was lost. I know, deep down, without this forum, I probably wouldn't be here today. Maybe it's not so much the responses I got, but rather that this forum exists, that I realized there were other people out there suffering, that I was not alone, that really helped me find myself and love myself.


I'm still not perfect, and I find myself falling and tripping back into depression, or bouts of immaturity and everything in between. When I come here I remember who I used to be, and I realize that despite my current struggles i have so much to be thankful for.


I have love in my life, in many many forms. One of the most obvious is a romantic partner that loves me, and despite my chronic mistrust of people, I do believe it. But I'm lost at the same time. I don't know what the future holds for this relationship. I don't know if I'm going to get what i want. I don't know what I want. I wish I knew the future, I don't want to spend time in a relationship that will ultimately fail. But the catch 22 is that all relationships end, most of them badly, some okay. Where do you find the strength to keep trying (to love, to be loved) when you know it's going to end? Maybe you find the strength in the fact that it WILL end, and all you have is this moment and you value it and that's what gives you strength. I can write that, I can think it, but I don't feel it. I am still full of doubt, fear. I am vulnerable and I want security. But there is no security in love. I feel like I am one of those people that is destined to go insane, that I can't accept the way the world works.


I don't know what to say. I'm sorry for being immature sometimes? I'm sorry I'm needy? Am I supposed to be sorry? I want to have faith. I don't know how to get it. I want him to know I love him. I don't know how to express it. I don't know if I should share all my doubts or keep them to myself like I have been, except for the moments they leak out and I get angry or sad and it causes an argument. It's so much easier to just run away.

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It's different for everyone. There are people who say they know they and their partner will be together forever. I Have had heart break in my life and it's not that I don't think my fiance and I will make it but - I Have faith we WILL - but I don't know the future anymore than you do PL. No more. No one knows the future, all you can do is have faith in you and the person by your side. I think above all you need to work on your faith not only in you and your partner as a unit but YOU.

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