Leaving for a few days, want to send a message to newly reconciled girlfriend.

[resmarted]

My story: [can't post URL, but it was titled "It's been 5 days..."]

 

I am in a long distance relationship as you might know if you read my previous thread. Tomorrow, I am leaving for a few days and will be unable to call her due to staying with my sister in a small apartment, and I don't want to be a bother.

 

I want to send her an email before I go to sleep so she can read it in the morning after I've left. I don't know how to word it, but I know basically what I want to say:

 

I want to tell her that it's been very hard on me trying to wait for her to open back up with me (in terms of saying she loves me, calling me "baby", etc.). She doesn't like talking about our relationship at all, and that's mostly why I want to send it to her in an email so she doesn't feel pressured to respond or talk about it to me.

 

I want to tell her that I am very committed to her, and it hurts me a lot when she doesn't initiate any phone calls, or telling me she loves me among other things.

 

I am spending ~$500 on a plane ticket to go visit her in a few months. I am a poor college student with no income, so this is a lot of money out of my own pockets. I am worried that she doesn't really care about the visit very much, because whenever I bring it up, she tends to drift away from the conversation as best she can.

 

How should I word it guys? Without making it seem too clingy, or whatever.

[learning2relax]

I think whether you have the conversation or you put it in an email it is pressure either way. If this is a recent reconciliation, let it be. Perhaps a better approach to trying to communicate in words about it, mirror her behavior and allow her to show you the very things that you wish her to. So if she doesn't initiate phone calls, stop calling her so that she does. Why not allow your actions to be the guide that brings her back to a relationship where the give and take is more balanced? If you call it out - you may lose her and then you are out the $500 for your ticket. If you try a different approach, you may get her to respond more positively and while no matter what you are out the $500 once you purchased the ticket, you get to enjoy the time with her it will provide for vs. it being a worthless piece of paper that you spent $500 on.

[resmarted]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I know it'd be best if I didn't say anything at all about it. But how do I show her how much this hurts me? Even about 15 minutes ago I asked if I could call her since I am leaving tomorrow and won't be able to talk to her for a few days, and she said she was watching TV.

 

Am I really that unimportant to her that she chooses TV over me?

[resmarted]

Well..I guess she noticed something about my mood and asked why I was upset, so at least she cares enough to ask.

 

I told her I felt alone in the relationship, and that I didn't feel loved. All she said was "I'm with you aren't I?" and "I told you I wanted to take it slow, but you just want to jump right back into it".

 

 

[learning2relax]

I don't know any details about your relationship but what I can tell you about this is that you are being needy. At least that is how I would feel if on the receiving end. Reconciliations are not easy. They take time and care.

 

What is interesting for me is I gave you a suggestion to see if it could cause a shift without having to say or write anything. Your response was "...how do I show her how much this hurts me?" So I ask.....is it more important that she knows how much she hurts you or that there is a change in her behavior???

[resmarted]

I don't know any details about your relationship but what I can tell you about this is that you are being needy. At least that is how I would feel if on the receiving end. Reconciliations are not easy. They take time and care.

 

What is interesting for me is I gave you a suggestion to see if it could cause a shift without having to say or write anything. Your response was "...how do I show her how much this hurts me?" So I ask.....is it more important that she knows how much she hurts you or that there is a change in her behavior???

 

You're probably right about me acting needy. It's something I've been putting on myself to change. It hasn't been easy but I know I've made some progress.

 

As far as your suggestion about mirroring her behavior, I suppose I should give that a shot. I really have no reason to worry, I mostly just needed to vent to someone. My friends are the type who wouldn't really care or take me seriously if I tried to talk to them about it. I need new friends

 

It's just been tough on me since reconciliation, because before we were really close and always showed each other love. Whenever I'm spending time with her, I always get the urge to tell her I love her, should I stop that? At least until she starts saying it too?

[magnoliatree]

I think that you should focus on openly communicating with her, not dumping your feelings then going away for a few days. You should learn when to time conversations, but taking the temp of the relationship and of the other person and try to have them in person so that there is give and take and so that she can see you and your tone, etc... Going for instant gratification might feel good and let you say what you want to say, but if you want to work things out you have to start thinking about whether or not she is going to be receptive to it at that specific point in time. Sometimes it's just better to let things be for a while.

[resmarted]

I think that you should focus on openly communicating with her, not dumping your feelings then going away for a few days. You should learn when to time conversations, but taking the temp of the relationship and of the other person and try to have them in person so that there is give and take and so that she can see you and your tone, etc... Going for instant gratification might feel good and let you say what you want to say, but if you want to work things out you have to start thinking about whether or not she is going to be receptive to it at that specific point in time. Sometimes it's just better to let things be for a while.

 

Yeah, I see what you mean. I think everything would be easy if I could physically be with her, but at the moment, that is not possible.

[magnoliatree]

Will you two ever not be long distance?

[learning2relax]

What was the reason for the break up? I assume she broke up with you? How long was it for? How long had you been together?

[resmarted]

What was the reason for the break up? I assume she broke up with you? How long was it for? How long had you been together?

 

I broke up with her during an argument. It was just a situation where my emotions got the best of me and I acted on them. I apologized no more than 30 minutes later but she needed time to think. She said she'd like to give us another try about a week later. We've been back together for a little over a week now. We had been together for 8 months.

 

@mangoliatree:

 

Yes, we are planning a visit in few months, and again next summer. We live about 20 hours by car away from eachother. We have talked about our future together prior to the breakup (ie. moving in together, and where)