boomer1619 Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 I have recently started an emotional relationship with a married woman. I am a single male in my mid-30's. This relationship really started because of my friendship with her older sister. Her older sister and I have worked together a few times, and share similar social lives and circles. This woman has seen me, on stage (I am a professional actor) in the productions that I have been in with her older sister. But, I have only seen her on FB, and never in person, but within the last week, we've opened up simple communication via PMing on FB. The communication has lead to very deeply revealing conversation and we have certainly gotten close, definitely flirted, and I can safely say that boundaries have been crossed to a certain degree. There is no doubt her marriage is in disarray. Her husband is always away working, and apparently cannot communicate on an emotional level. She also has two kids with her husband. Her older sister is actually all for this friendship, and is aware of our crushes for one another, and does not at all mind the two of us getting to know one another. Over the course of the last 24 hours, I've seen the writing on the wall, and see that not only could I be causing damage to her marriage, but to myself as well. I see the selfishness that I am possessing. She is simply the most gorgeous thing I've ever laid eyes on, and I became weakened by temptation to follow her lead, and let this friendship transpire. We are cordially meeting over the next weekend, we are both bringing close friends to sort of make it less tempting to let things get out of hand. I cannot cancel this meeting because it would simply hurt her feelings, and I have a friendship with her sister to protect. Hey, maybe her and her husband will divorce, and she looks me up and we can try something out, but I can't live my life in waiting. I see how unhealthy that is. I can't keep flirting, because that will only lead to manipulation, which isn't respectable, or good for our health, and I would hate to think that I had a huge factor in something like that. I do not want to be a home wrecker. I'd never have any respect for myself, and I know how I would feel if I were her husband. I need advice and here's what I am asking: How can I man up, do what is right, and truly be a friend to this woman, without ending the contact? I have really thought this out today, and have at least been able to decide that I'm going to do the right thing, and be a friend, a true friend to her, because I know she needs it, however, I now know the waters I am treading and want no part of it. I would appreciate any insight that anyone may give. Link to comment
Kitkat973 Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 It's questionable on if you CAN be a friend to someone you were emotionally involved with in a situation like this, but I think that showing her this post (or, at least, the first three paragraphs) might help show her where you're coming from and why. Link to comment
luminousone Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 I can tell you how it feels to be the spouse... It was devastating and I cried every day for a year, and often the second year. My heart was completely broken! I completely and totally trusted him, and I was a very faithful and loving spouse! If the messages are something that she would not feel comfortable sharing with her husband, then they are inappropriate. If her marriage is that bad, then she should either work to fix it or she should leave it. My husband (unknown to me) was in some online relationships and eventually the boundaries were crossed and he left our marriage and pursued a personal relationship with the online woman. We were together 21 years and we have kids. Rather than work through the usual marital problems that one would expect in a long marriage like that, he chose to cut loose and try with someone new. I had no idea what was going on until he told me outright he wanted a divorce. I thought he was kidding! Eventually another woman befriended me and told me the things he was saying about our marriage to other women (including her) - and it was not true! She and I are close friends now, and she knows the real me and the real truth about our marriage. So - do not believe all that she tells you about her marriage - there is always another side of the story. And, when marriages break up, it not only affects the couple divorcing, but it also affects their children, their families, their friends, etc. My nephew cried because he would never see his uncle anymore - they live in another state, and they never got closure. My kids have missed out on family traditions and family activities that were such joyful times. Now they have to go back and forth between houses. In the end, my ex did me a favor. He is all about himself. Last year I posted a thread about how he (my then HUSBAND) yelled at me because I refused to house sit for him when he took his girlfriend to Hawaii... That was when I stopped pining away for him and realized I have a better life without his drama. If and when your "soulmate" is completely out of her marriage, then of course you should feel free to pursue a relationship. In the meantime, let her know that you do not feel comfortable with the way things are going, and have the strength and wisdom to block all future communication with her! Link to comment
magnoliatree Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 How can I man up, do what is right, and truly be a friend to this woman, without ending the contact? Manning up and doing what's right would require you to leave her alone entirely, not try to be her friend while biding your time hoping that she leaves her husband. Link to comment
boomer1619 Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 I've got a lot to consider. Since this post, I politely explained the boundaries that I see have been crossed, and said that my attractions and flirtations have been well documented. And then I said, it's time to be a man about things. She responded by saying that she needed to be realistic about things as well. I told her I agreed with her statement. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 So then you've agreed to go total NC with each other? NOTHING good can come from this. Ever. She's married. And the dating world is your oyster at 33. For SINGLE women. lol Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 She is simply the most gorgeous thing I've ever laid eyes on. I think this is the key to everything. Why is she so gorgeous to you? (Looks, personality, availability ... what are the things that make you attracted?) And how does she differ or how is she similar to past relationships? Link to comment
boomer1619 Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 What makes her so different is that as the friendship started, someone is finally not only seeing me as myself, but absolutely drawn to it. It's not happened. It's everything I wish other women would see. And as far as the attraction, when I first worked with her older sister, I swore that she was the most beautiful thing I'd met. But, then I saw her, and I was smitten. Then, she started seeing my plays, and she developed the same attraction. For me personally, there is just that combination of looks, and she has them all. I actually hung out with her sister three nights ago, and I came clean about the amount of communication we've built. Her older sister, was very happy to hear about it, and started expressing how much she did not favor her husband at all. The scary thing her sister told me was, "If she every decides to leave and divorce her husband and then the two of you fall in love, that would be the happiest thing that could happen in my eye." So, I have her sister's blessing, and once I was told that, I really put the stops on the flirtation. Things need to pan out for her without my involvement or knowledge. And, I can't predict that things will work out for me, and I know that. NC isn't an option because of her sister and I working a lot together. Makes more sense than I can type, but, this friendship has given me a confidence I've never had, AND, I haven't stopped looking around for other women, because after all, I am single, and I can go out and meet someone. And I can confidently say that I am seeking without taking my friendship with her as a comparison. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 What makes her so different is that as the friendship started, someone is finally not only seeing me as myself, but absolutely drawn to it. It's not happened. It's everything I wish other women would see. And as far as the attraction, when I first worked with her older sister, I swore that she was the most beautiful thing I'd met. But, then I saw her, and I was smitten. Then, she started seeing my plays, and she developed the same attraction. For me personally, there is just that combination of looks, and she has them all. She's got the look that you like. Check. But really it seems like the way she makes you feel tipped the scale. She seems to make you feel really accepted and understood and desired for who you are. ... There are other women like this ... believe me! I think part of the exciement is the unexpected. When you are dating someone there is some pressure to develop feelings. When it happens naturally, it feels a lot truer. I would say that means you need to work on your general friendships with women that you find attractive ... who aren't married. There is nothing wrong with being with the woman if she leaves her husband first. If you two hook up before then, you better be sure the way you got her is the way she'll leave you. Link to comment
boomer1619 Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 I hear you. It's tough for a lot of reasons. I just have to stop, and explain to her and her older sister why. If by some occurrence, she separates, I'm sure I'll be the first to know. And for the record, nothing physical has happened. Not even close. I think, that it really isn't about me at all. It's not me that she''s really after. It is happiness, and whatever that is for her, she's going to have to find that out for herself and make decisions that will lead her to that. With ME out of the equation. This is going to be tough. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Yeah, I seriously doubt she'll end up with you. Never know for sure, but from what you describe she seems to be looking for "happiness." Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.