Rejected due to weight

[ITGirl73]

Well after months after wondering why he won't ask me out - well he managed to convey it to me.

Work Colleague, made a move on me then backed off and nothing since - asks me out for lunch, gets upset when he sees me talking to other guys and when I get tired of the situation and try to ignore him moves heaven and earth to get me to talk to him again- all the while driving me crazy as to why he won't ask me out when his friends tell me that it is me that he fancies but he keeps asking other girls out and then they keep dumping him.

Well we were chatting the other day - I mentioned something and he said gosh you are interested in that too (yes we have lots in common and we never run out of conversation) and then I just mentioned that I was a bit sore after an exercise class the previous night and then there it was - he looked at me and said "if you are serious about losing weight then you should be swimming or walking" there it is that is the reason why he does not make a move at me he thinks I am fat.

 

I walked out to the car, I was in shock - we have desk jobs so the weight crept up - he plays football most nights of the week so he does not have a weight problem but I always measure people by personality etc, but I cannot argue with him.

So here I am - I am looking up the calorie content of everything I eat and I walk an hour every night - I use to be very skinny but when I started this job and I hurt my back the weight issue began.

 

Should I stop talking to him - where I am coming from is that if he really liked the real me he would not let the weight get in the way.

We had a work do the other night - I stayed away from him and he stayed with his male friends - it bugged me that they are influencing him and then they get to go home to their wives while I am home alone and it hurts.

He told me the other day that he asked one of his friends to go to a play since he had no one else to go with and I just thought yes you did you had me but you were too much of a coward to ask the fat girl out.

 

I don't look that bad - I am very tall so can take a bit of extra weight but I cannot get it out of my head that if he truly like me then he would not let this get in our way.

 

If I ignore him he will know that I am upset but then if I keep talking to him I am letting him off the hook

 

What should I do - I spent the whole weekend crying my eyes out over this - we are perfect for each other but what is the point when he is shallow and easily swayed.

 

The one good thing is that I am starting to watch myself and maybe I will lose weight but what is the point if he asks me out if I become thin, I will be still the same person that gets him understands his quirks etc.

 

I am so hurt and confused what should I do :sad:

[Cognitive_Canine]

If you do lose the weight, lose him too.

 

He may be a perfectly nice person. But, I know deep down it would always bother me that I know my SO would be bothered if I gained weight. I could never feel good about myself with that kind of thing in our past.

 

Frankly, 'forget about him' is the best advice I have. If he can't like you as you are, he certainly doesn't deserve you enough for you to try and change for him.

 

EDIT: That is, if this is the reason that he's rejecting you. As other posters have pointed out, you may be jumping to conclusions.

[halcyon]

First and foremost: *HUGS!*

 

I am astounded this individual behaved so callously towards you.

 

I am not a seasoned relationship expert but I believe you deserve an apology and to be treated better.

[guynextdoor]

I think you are taking his suggestion the wrong way. I don't see how his suggestions on ideas how to lose weight turns into him rejecting you because of your weight.

[Ariel85]

I missed the part where he called you fat and said he wouldn't date you because of it.

 

You said you were at an exercise class. He assumed you were there to lose weight, and offered alternative ideas.

 

Let's be real, there. 98% of women think they have a weight problem - even the underweight, and normal weight, so I don't think his assumption was far fetched.

 

I think you're looking for a reason why he won't ask you out, and decided to manifest this one. I'm not saying his phrasing wasn't clumsy, but I really didn't get the personal attack.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I don't think he said to lose weight - I think he was just chatting, to be honest. I think in a chat about exercise, it's not quite the way you're taking it. He might not be interested in dating a co-worker in case it all goes wrong. But I DO think you're misinterpreting what he's saying.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

"if you are serious about losing weight then you should be swimming or walking"

 

Okay, I think I am missing something here. How can you assume that this statement automatically means that he is not asking you out because you are fat? There are guys out there who ask everyone else out except for the person they are interested in. Some guys are just like that. For whatever reason they can't get their act together to ask out the one they really like. So it may have absolutely nothing to do with your weight and everything to do with his own inner demons and fears. There is a reason why these other girls keep dumping him. He may be nice to talk to but it doesn't sound like he is well-adjusted when it comes to dealing with potential relationships. I think this is more about him than about your weight. As for your weight, you should want to lose it for yourself, not for anyone else, and certainly not for attracting men. Plenty of overweight women find the man of their dreams, and plenty of these men are actually skinny.

[DN]

I don't think he meant that either.

[Angel Irulan]

I think you should be asking yourself, rather than interpreting something that may not be, WHY are the other girls he goes out with dumping him? And it's my experience that seasoned office workers know what trouble it is to date a co-worker. Are any of the other women co-workers?

HUGS!

Angel

[Firiel]

It seems that you have such a desire to figure this guy out that you are willing to take conversations out of context and create a reason that he is "rejecting" you. Have you taken the initiative to ask him on a date?

[Ms Darcy]

WHAT?!

 

I am all for indicting someone for calling someone else fat, but he IN NO WAY did that to you. I have to stick up for the poor guy here. I think he made an assumption - that you were exercising to lose weight. Soreness suggests exercise is new to you and I can see how his mind might have leaped to "weight loss" as the motivation. I had another male co-worker do that with his male friend. The friend said he was sore for lifting and my co-worker said "Well if you really want to bulk up, make sure you are eating a lot of protein and stretching before and after lifting." He wasn't calling the friend skinny, he was trying to be helpful and assumed something.

 

What this really tells me is that there are deeper issues going on with you. I can understand how you feel. I have a co-worker, great chemistry and a lot in common etc but he wasn't asking me out. I got angry with HIM. I never really felt bad about my weight, but I did workout hard to tone things up and be more attractive. He finally asked me out and I was ecstatic. But then he backed out and I was really upset. It wasn't unil I shifted my perspective and realized that HE IS FREE TO PURSUE ME OR NOT. It is not my place to expect him to do what I want because he needs to do what he wants. I completely let go of expectations, and also gave myself permission to move on and not socialize with him as much, and that's when he asked me out. I think men are incredibly in tuned to your vibe - your self-confidence, your emotional steadiness, your body language communication to him.

 

The valuable lesson learned for me is that a guy can have a great physical attraction to you and even a lot in common, but he needs an emotional connection to you to move things to the next level. Emotional connection isn't jealousy, nor is it telling friends he likes you. It's the desire to pursue a relationship.

 

Your insecurity comes through loud and clear in this post. You are hurt and upset by what YOU have created in your mind. If you want to stop being hurt, you need to let go of this excessive personalizing. Think of it this way -

 

1. If he's not asking you out, it's because he doesn't want to. That doesn't make him evil or wrong. It's just his wish. He has the freedom to do whatever he wants and you have no need to freak out or get upset about it.

2. If you want him, why don't you ask him out? Just keeping it real. Then you can hear his response and get closure either way.

3. If he declines, now you can move on! You are a great lady and there are plenty of guys who would love to be with you.

 

 

 

Completley agree that you manifested a reason he hasn't asked you out.

[magnoliatree]

I'm going to agree with everyone else on this one - sounds like you are projecting. It's understandable, but I dont think it's really helping.

[Messiah]

I agree that he was just giving you some exercise suggestions. If he's into football, he's probably interested in exercise, and feels he knows enough to give you advice. Also, if you are having such low self esteem due to weight, maybe you should work on that before you attempt to get into a relationship. Don't blame him for not asking you out, it's not his fault, you can't expect everyone in the world to be attracted to you, and if he's not, it doesn't make him "Shallow".

[metrogirl]

I don't see how he called you fat. To me it seems like he's telling you which exercises are really good for helping to lose weight which is presumably what you are trying to do by going to an exercise class, correct?

[Giggity]

I agree with everyone else. I think you took what he said out of context. He assuemed you're trying to lose weight, and was just making conversation. You're just insecure about your weight, so took it a different way to what he meant.

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree with the others, I don't think your weight is why he hasn't asked you out. While I think he could have been a bit more mindful of what he was saying, I think a lot of people assume that ALL women think they are "fat" and need to lose weight, and he may have assumed that when you said "exercise class" you were indicating that you were trying to lose weight. I've run into people at the gym -- mostly women -- who assume that other women are there primarily -- or even solely -- for weightloss purposes even though many of us (myself included) are there mainly for other reasons (in my case, to get stronger, just more "fit" in general, and for my mental health).

 

As to why he hasn't asked you out...I'm not sure. It could be a lot of reasons. The same has happened to me, and I don't know why. It could be because you work with him (having dated someone I worked with and had it not work out, I can say that's a HUGE reason to be hesitant to ask out a coworker!), because he wants to date around and meet a bunch of different girls, because he sees something in you that makes you a good friend but that in his mind doesn't translate to you being a potential date/partner for him. It could be something really minor and dumb, too (I'm thinking of "Seinfeld" and how Jerry found stupid reasons not to date perfectly decent girls -- "She eats her peas one at a time!" "She's TOO GOOD!" etc.)

 

Try not to get too down on yourself about this. If you feel you need to lose weight and want to, you should, but don't do it as a response to this guy's failure to ask you out. Truly, you never know what's going on in someone's head and heart unless he tells you, and tells you the truth. Everything else is just assumptions and speculation.

[iBroken]

I think you are taking his suggestion the wrong way. I don't see how his suggestions on ideas how to lose weight turns into him rejecting you because of your weight.

 

THANK YOU!

 

Girls get so sensitive about this stuff. As Ariel85 said, YOU mentioned the exercise activity - HE offered the alternative.

 

I was out one night with my girlfriends friends. One of them was talking to the other girls boyfriend about her previous sporting activity. She said when she was 10lbs lighter (shes a stick to begin with), she could do X, Y & Z. So he said, then try to lose 10lbs and get back there. She flipped out and went on a rampage about how dare he call her fat. All he was saying was that if that was her happiest moment in life, when she was 10lbs lighter and felt she could accomplish more, then she should try to lose 10lbs. No harm, no foul.

 

I dont see where he said you were fat and thats why he wont date you.

 

Its time to stop the tears and find out the real issue about why you two are not or can not date.

[Weeb]

I'm with everyone else. I really don't see where he insulted you or said why he's not interested.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Perhaps you being insecure and a bit of of a drama queen is the reason he doesn't ask you out.

[Jd1983]

Honestly, I don't see how he called you fat.

 

I'm with everyone else. You know what they say when you assume..

[Brittney2008]

Maybe he was just suggesting some exercise ideas. Don't translate that into him calling you fat. I think that's actually a good sign, it shows that he is comfortable talking about exercise which can be taboo for non close friends/potential mates.

[BriarRose]

It didn't sound like rejection to me. Just some suggestions based on the conversation you were engaged in.

[Signature]

I'm a guy, we're not all bad, there are plenty more fish in the sea.....3 billion in fact, you have the rest of your life ahead of you, ignore guys like this, they're the guppies, you should be chasing the sharks xXx

[ITGirl73]

Thanks everyone- yes you are right - and he was in the paper tonight at a gig with a girl when he told me he was going with a guy so time to move on - I am going to concentrate on me - put him and any thought of a relationship on the back burner

 

thanks for all the responses

[Stay_home]

Sometimes it's not what you say, but how you say it.