Mid-thirties, no children

[findingbeauty]

I've never really wanted to have children nor to return to thinking about that stage of life, but at this time in my life pretty much everyone is having babies and raising kids. And it seems that all my invitations these days are to baby showers and baby birthdays. Is anyone else out there struggling with this? It seems I can't escape it. And I feel more isolated because of this. Is it possible to have a rich and rewarding life without having children, or does life just continue to grow lonelier and harder to make friends as you get older? I guess when I was younger I took for granted the support and friendship that's readily available as a young person. It looks like there's a lot more to be expected as an adult. I'm starting to wonder if having a family is the only way to have true closeness and companionship as you age. If you don't have your family, who else is going to give a damn about you? And if I'm going to live a life surrounded by peers whose concerns are centered in child-rearing...if I have to concern myself with children everywhere I go, I might as well reconsider having my own. Anyway, I'm mainly just venting my thoughts and feelings and sniffing around for anyone else in a similar boat. Thanks.

[abitbroken]

Of course your friends have to put their children before their friends, but that doesn't mean that you can't organize a girl's night every so once in awhile, or go for coffee with them. Their intent is not to rub kids in your face, but to include you in their family milestones because you matter to them, so take that for what its worth. Yes you can have a rich rewarding life without children if indeed you don't want any, but people just do better if they have healthy family ties and lifelong friendships. For childless or child free folks, many have strong connections to siblings, nieces and nephews, cousins, etc. I don't think you should have kids just because other people have them, but because you want them. To me, I wanted kids if I was in a loving, committed marriage and it naturally progressed to children as an extension of that. If I never met anyone, I was not about to go to a sperm bank. The personal choice is yours, but kids are not like getting what the neighbors have so consider it if its really in your heart.

[Stay_home]

You have to do what works for YOU. So if that means that you aren't interested in having any children, then that's what that means for YOU and for what works for your life. I'm still fairly young, but at one point I didn't want any children either. Now as I'm getting a little bit older I'm thinking about someone else caring on the legacy or perhaps beginning a new one. I'm thinking about the ability to be to raise and to spread what I've learned and pass it along to another. I'd like a son someday, I won't lie to you. Very much so. I'd like me a little baby-boy to raise and teach things to, teach how to fish, how to fight, how to deal with ignornant people and what to look for when buying a house, or purchasing a car. A little boy to learn from, to teach me things about myself that I never knew were there. We've all got a choice and you shouldn't get down on yourself for feeling the way that you do.

[findingbeauty]

abitbroken: Well, it's not exactly just getting what the neighbors have but there is definitely some immature reasoning for sure, I'll admit. Pre-20s I wanted nothing to do with children, early 20s I decided that I would consider children if and when I had a solid relationship and solid financial situation, late 20s and early 30s not so interested in having kids, mid-thirties "oh, this is why people have kids!". I would never go to a sperm bank or have a child intentionally into a single mom situation. I'm in a LT relationship. My concern is that I think I've been in denial. I thought things would always be the way they were in my 20s. I had a lot of guy friends for one, and that is hard to come by now that I am older AND in a relationship. Most guys at this age don't seem to go for platonic friendship with the opposite gender. I've had a few good girlfriends, but male friends always seemed to come easier for me. Life is changing and the rules seem to be changing, too. If children are going to be a big part of my life (unless I want to die alone and lonely) I'm rethinking the value of having children myself. I probably won't do anything about it. The conditions are still not quite right. One of my friends actually told me explicitly that the reason she decided to have a child is because her and her husband wanted to have someone in their life that cared about them when they grew old (of course there's no guarantee but at least a child makes that a more likely possibility). And she's become a very good mother despite her motivation. I guess my underlying concern is about aging! what that looks like and who will be around and care when you're old.

 

~2 sided coin~: yes, things change as we get older and the realization of change becomes more apparent. Also, desires change. If you really feel a strong urge now to teach, I wonder if big brother would be of interest to you? but it sounds more like you are interested in carrying on the family line as well.

[abitbroken]

I hear you - at 20 I said I never wanted kids. At 30 I was married to a man who didn't want kids, but i started to have pangs of wanting them but couldnt do a thing about it. it wasn't a matter of talking about it, as it was an abusive relationship and I would never want to bring a child into it. Now, I am with a boyfriend where I could see us having kids for sure. But I know I don't have too many more years to start being serious about it.

[findingbeauty]

I'm so glad you held off on having kids in that situation. And I'm glad you get a second chance. I hope the best for you and your new bf.

[tiredofvampires]

One really good way of having companionship as you age is to share in the lives of your friends, whatever those lives entail. If your friends don't have children (and there are many people like that), then you share what their lives are about without the children. If they have children, share with them about that. You don't have to have children to talk about what's important to people, and if it's their children, you are still a person and this relates to you. You don't have to have everything in common with your friends to have a friendship and fortunately, the topic of children is just another personal relationship issue. And those topics should interest you as a friend.

 

Sometimes it's hard to feel relevant to people who have kids (I don't have them myself), but as long as you are interested and present in conversations with them, you'll find lots of overlap and things to talk about that blend your life course with theirs.

 

I certainly would never have kids for any reason revolving around the phrase, "might as well."

[jul-els]

If you have a kid just because everyone else does or to stave off your own lonliness, those are pretty selfish reasons, imo. If you're gonna have a kid, do it purposefully, because you love your life and want to bring someone in to it that you can share any happiness, knowledge, wisdom and love you have attained along the way. But if you can't be happy being alone (which is a HUGE stigma in society, so you've gotta be strong to buck that one) then you should learn that lesson yourself first. Once you do, you'll have the tools you need to be a successful parent.

[findingbeauty]

Tiredofvampires: Thanks for the pointers and outright reminder that I don't need to have everything in common with people to related to each other and have a meaningful relationship with them. The other part is that I didn't want to get involved with kids or think about kids and now it is in my face at every turn. Maybe I'd feel different if I had a personal interest. Maybe I need to become a Big Sister or something so I feel I have a kid that I'm personally involved with. I just haven't had contact with kids in such a long time.

 

Jul-es: You touched on something I hadn't thought of: Stigma. I wonder how much of this is related to a fear of the diminished social status of growing old, unmarried and no children (or as you said so plainly, "alone"). Even if I may be happier alone or in an unwed relationship, I am affected by stigma. I think I need to find community to overcome this. If I belong to a social group that supports my values, I think that will help immensely. Now if only I could find my place without hitting a church or a bar. lol

[jul-els]

Hey, you do what you gotta. The main thing is that you're happy with you. That comes from within. The external stuff is just a distraction. Or an addition thereto, depending on your vantage point.

[findingbeauty]

I appreciate the encouragement.

[Unknown1607307972]

I myself am fearing this for when I hit my 30's, I really don't see myself having kids (depression, deep fear of both pregnancy and childbirth, lack of desire to be a parent, no patience, bad temper) and I'm scared I'll end up without any friends one day. Despite this I am very used to being around children, I have had younger children around me my entire life, so it's not like I could never be around their kids. I just worry I'll unintentionally get left behind by friends when they start families. I also think if I do my best to be a damn good aunt (I have five brothers, plus my long term boyfriend has a brother too, one of them will probably have kids) then I will still have family around me when I am old, my great aunt has managed to keep with the family despite never marrying or having children and she seems perfectly happy with her choice.

 

Having kids for fear of having someone to take care of you when you're old doesn't seem like a good idea to me, sure some people may do this and turn out to be great parents when the baby arrives but it's risky as I doubt it works that way for everyone.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. I spent my 20s and 30s recognizing that as much as I wanted to be supportive of friends and their babies, my attendance at their shower then first visit to give good gift was pretty much my swan song with that relationship--at least until any of the given Moms grew out of diaper territory and wanted to come play with me as an individual instead of as a parent.

 

I realize that this sounds cynical, but it was the opposite--it was liberating. It was like setting doves free every time I gave myself permission to exit the realm of someone else's childrearing.

 

This didn't make me lonely, it made me more able to seek out friends and family who shared non-parent-oriented interests. I was a terrific aunt, and my sister shared her kids with me. I'd take one or the other for weekends and play the craft teacher or board game freak or spend time exploring events and fun neighborhoods through the eyes of a smartass kid. If I didn't have these kids in my life, I may not have learned that I'm a sprinter, not a marathon person, as there was also joy when I got to return these lovelies. I likely would have gotten this curiosity out through Big Sister or some similar thing.

 

I learned mid-30's that I'm a 'support' person, not a front liner, when it comes to my place in society. I can appreciate that not everyone is meant to procreate and I found this to be a big relief. I'm not sorry. I've sometimes wondered if I would have regrets, but since I didn't want any, here I am--childless and happy to participate wherever I desire in the world. Without apology.

 

Head high.

[MissIndigo]

In my mid-20's I was adamantly, vocally childfree. Ten years later, I'm still childfree (and will most likely stay that way) but I relaxed a lot when I saw how happy my friends and peers were when they welcomed their children. I love my friends, so I want them to be happy. Even if I can't identify with that, I always found an appropriate response to say when a friend was going to welcome a child to be something like "That's wonderful! I know you must be over the moon." And I've come to know some great kids as a result, and relate to children better. Glad I developed that life skill more, and that I can better appreciate my friends who are parents as well as those who are not.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I feel for you though none of my friends have children yet! I'm deadly afraid of getting older for reasons such as this. I have no interest in adult life as it is defined in our society. I don't want to have a big house and children running around in it. But I know every body else will and I will feel isolated if I decide not to have children. Getting old really sucks for those of us who don't have all those supposedly natural desires.

[findingbeauty]

Thank you everyone for the great responses. I'm glad I'm not alone with this concern, and I'm glad to hear there are those that are happy growing old child-free. I am taking all your feedback to heart.

[Seraphim]

In my mid-20's I was adamantly, vocally childfree. Ten years later, I'm still childfree (and will most likely stay that way) but I relaxed a lot when I saw how happy my friends and peers were when they welcomed their children. I love my friends, so I want them to be happy. Even if I can't identify with that, I always found an appropriate response to say when a friend was going to welcome a child to be something like "That's wonderful! I know you must be over the moon." And I've come to know some great kids as a result, and relate to children better. Glad I developed that life skill more, and that I can better appreciate my friends who are parents as well as those who are not.

 

I love your response. I think it is awesome. A child free person who can be generous to those of us who decided to have children. Thank you for being so gracious. It means a lot to me when I see people be like this. It is great when people can live and let live and choose to live in harmony with the choices of others.