Broke up with BF to try and figure out where we stand for our future...help!!

[ska]

Hi,

 

I have been dating the love of my life for a year. We have had an incredible amount of stress but have been through it. and been there for each other. I have a home in another state that I have to deal with and a life for us there together.

 

Legal issues and family (mother that has now passed)things that my BF has been dealing with has keep us in a different state. He promised to give my state a try and it would be a much easier lifestyle that is needed for us. Although it is scary for the bf, he is willing to give it a try as being in our current state was a constant struggle and I have to deal with my house and get back to my home state.

 

My bf had a business that he lost, it made him a lot of money but he lost it all. It has been risky and he has been dealing with legal stuff from it and it has been quite a headache. An insane headach. It would be most beneficial to get away from the biz and take some steps away from it, Maybe come back to it after some time.

 

My bf has had mixed feelings about going , but know it is for the best, and has been excited but tends to only focus on whats right in front of him

He just recently (days ago) had an opportunity to get back in the same biz in our current state, which might be an incredible, but again, risky opportunity. He decided to go forward and persue it and also live in my home state. I forsee the potential problem of him still being distracted and I said "no way." He continued to persue it and starting lining things up saying he could do both. And said the when he would be back for the legal stuff he would stay with his brother and work on biz then.

 

Our main problem has been his constant distraction and my feeling like I am not a priority. I just needed him to give my state a chance for 6 months and knowing him, he will put roots down and get something going less risky there. (he said this as well) he is very driven and smart. He thinks he can do both, and there is a small window with this new opportunity. I don't have the stomach for it and put my foot down, as I have been sooooooo miserable in our current (situational) life.

 

His distraction can completely be tied to legal and biz stuff, it is not an indication of his indifference to our relationship, it has been seriously stressful.

 

We are scheduled to move back with money tight and not a concretete plan but the main goal is to save my home and work on things there. I expect we would also put roots in his state once We secure things in mine. In our current state, I have made a huge sacrifice living an hour away for work and helping take care of his dying mother, was expecting him to return the sacrifice. This new biz got him into his current mess and he is determinded to make it right, although it is still risky in my opinion.

 

He has said the relationship isn't worth losing. I have felt that he takes me for granted and he didn't think this would be a dealbreaker. I went crazy and broke up with him started packing my things for the move and moved out until I am scheduled to move home in two weeks. I do not want to be without him or broken up, I just had to make a point. Don't want to be in another state and still wondering. He tried to stop me and say I was acting too crazy and that we can make it work. I doubted it since he didn't communicate with me and started to get the ball rolling behind my back with the new biz. He said he knew I would act this way, and he is doing it for our future. The new opportunity could save us, but also not. It could put us right back where we are. I love him dearly, I think he is the love of my life, but I have to get the control on this relationship or just end it. What do I do??? I have two weeks, I told him not to come to my state with me if he is going to put roots here at this time. If he stays he has to get a roommate to help with rent, this would lock him in to our current stare, as now we are month to month, getting a roommate is another commitment.(keeping him in the state since he would need a place to live)

 

I am 40, been married before, want a family and no interest in anyone else, just need to get my point accross. I am not interested in a long distance thing, even short term. We don't have any real issues other than the crap we have been dealing with and me being miserable with our situational issues where we are living.

 

This is a difficult window because this two weeks is life changing. No contact at all?? I want to call but know I shouldn't . It is tricky cause I did the breaking up but needed for him to know I am serious and don't want to be walked over. How do I handle the next two weeks? I want him to realize how important this is to me. Dont want him out of my life, just need to get control of the situation. Maybe he is just thinking this is all too much, and is just letting this take the end course.

 

The morning after he texted for me to come back and talk. I brushed it off and we spoke on the phone, we kept coming up with the same challenges, we do see each other's side. He said he would call later and didn't . On that phone call He mentioned meeting up (today) I brushed it off to get more of a response / plead from him. He had court early this am and I waited until late this after noon to ask about it via text. Never heard from him before. When I texted to ask, he said court was ok and a few details and nothing more. Later He texted, how are you, miss you. I havent responded after my response from the court update

 

Dont' have much time, please help me outline a plan. We were targeting moving beginning of Aug. I feel like he is the love of my life but I am sick of compromising. Sorry for the long post and much rambling but just desperate. I have to get control of this situation and I am confused about NC and how to proceed over the next two weeks since I broke up with him. I really did a rash thing moving out, but didn't think I had a choice to make my point and to try to direct our future (or at least the one I want/need) I could be making a stupid mistake if the biz could seriously help.

[ska]

sorry for such much backstory and a long post. I mostly just need to know how to respond with the NC procedures since I broke up with him and I am wanting him to miss and appreciate me with limited time on my hands.

[catfeeder]

Instead of hoping to manipulate him into your line of thinking within 2 weeks, why not consider giving both of you more time to get your own affairs in order, not less?

 

You're creating an unnecessary pressure cooker. You're making control over him your priority instead of your own responsibilities, and he's not cooperating and likely won't.

 

Nobody's forcing you to call that a deal breaker, but you're not exactly in a financial position to allow him to take you down with him. Go tend to your own business. If this guy is worth his salt, he'll tend to his. If he becomes stable enough to become mobile, then he'll catch up with you. Otherwise, he won't and you've dodged a bullet.

 

Don't put false deadlines on your calendar. Focus on what you need to do to protect your own assets, and the rest will work itself out.

[ska]

Hello,

All great points! thank you! We've been pushing the move off since end of May. I have been insanely miserable every day at work, counting the days until I leave. I guess what I have been afraid of is him complicated his life here with the business then he can't be mobile, virtually impossible once it gets in motion. He tends to focus on what is in front of him. I guess I just have to take that risk. It is just we are both older and when we are gone from each other, it might not make much sense anymore. Too complicated. I guess the answer is, if he is worth it it will somehow work out. Just wanted to steer it as much as possible.

 

He keeps writing hes missing me. Should I see him and/or go home until I move. Thinking staying away as long as possible makes him realize how much he misses me and he will compromise.

 

Thanks again, all great points!