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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


Cynder
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On 2/16/2022 at 3:45 PM, Cynder said:

Somebody on Reddit just told me my writing style reminds them of Hemingway.  This isn't the first time someone has made that comparison, either.  So I really think I need to go read something he wrote.  I know an English professor I had in college said once that Hemingway's work focuses a lot on masculinity, etc.  And a lot of people who read my work without knowing me assume I'm male.  I get a lot of, "I can tell a man wrote this because XYZ.  This doesn't bother me in the slightest.  I actually find it really flattering because society seems to have this idea that women are less capable as writers or that they can only write fluffy romance crap. 

I know a professional Author.  He does a lot of festivals.  I asked him once if he would take a look at my work. Him and I are friends on Facebook.  We've gotten to know each other over the years.  He has talked to me about doing cover art/graphic design for him, etc.  So it's not like I just approached some random stranger, etc.   And he was like, "I don't read romance stuff."  Um... and I strike you as someone who writes that?  Why because I'm a girl?  Lol.  Most of my stuff is about crime, mental illness, and straight up human cruelty. 

When I was a kid my Mom was for some reason convinced that I was always plagiarizing my work or tracing my artwork.  It's like, "No, we can't just acknowledge that you're good at anything, heaven for-f*cking-bid." 

When I was around 15ish I wrote a poem in my journal and in it I used the phrase "I have become comfortably numb."  Ok, obviously I didn't write that myself.  It's a line from a very famous song.  But I also didn't claim I came up with it.  And in the poem I even put it in quotes.  Idk how to explain the context in the poem that I used it.  That song was playing when I was writing it, and it just seemed like a good fit.  And this was just a poem in a teenage girl's notebook.  I wasn't trying to make any money off it, or anything like that.  Harmless.  Well my parents saw it and my Mom was pissed.  That was the basis of her thinking I'm always "copying" other people.  And as if I didn't learn my lesson the first time, when I was 17 I did it again with the line, "I'm a freak of nature but they love me so." which is from a Red Hot Chili Peppers song.  Well I got in trouble for that too.  Ok... I should have learned.  But also, they could have given me some flippin privacy and stayed the hell out of my stuff.  I have just now gotten to the point where I feel safe keeping any kind of handwritten journal.  And even now, the things I write in it aren't that person.  Because every handwritten journal I've ever kept has been read.  Either by parents or by friends or by roommates, etc.  And every time it's always been, "Well you should have hid it better."  or something like that as an excuse when I've confronted whoever read it. 

Idk... Mom also seemed to think whenever I took any kind of medicine for anything I was just taking it to get high.  I have no clue where this one came from.  I remember when I was a sophomore in high school there was a whole week where I just had a headache that wouldn't go away.  And she saw me take Asvil twice in 7 days and decided I must be taking it to get high.  Who the hell gets high off Ibuprofen?  Seriously?  That's what Advil is.  And so they started locking up the Advil so if I had a headache, well screw it.  I just had to suck it up. 

And there was this whole weird thing about Alleve, too.  I don't know why, the Advil was locked up, but the Alleve bottle was kept right on this round thing we kept on the kitchen table that had salt and sugar and stuff on it.  It's weird that this bottle of pills was kept with seasonings, idk.  I never took any of the Alleve, ever.  But boy oh boy... Whenever they got low, I was in trouble because I was "popping them like candy." according to my Mom.  When I had oral surgery my senior year in high school I got Vicodin.  It was only like 5 pills.  I took one the night I came home and slept for like 12 hours.  And then they all came up missing.  I didn't dare say anything though because I know I would have been accused of just taking them all at once.  Later on down the line my Mom told me when she was drunk that she took them and gave them to a lady she works with who likes them.  Lol... you can't make this crap up.  SHe said she did it because she was afraid my step dad would get into them.  Ok... so all this time all this crap about me taking pills and stuff was really just a fear of my drug addict step dad taking pills.  Yep... classic projection. And my sister also used to steal my Grandpa's Vicodins whenever she was at his house.   She would just take one or two so he wouldn't notice.  Jeez I'm imagining the wrath and the furry that would have rained down on me if someone who have noticed any of them missing. 

I got in trouble once for taking alka seltzer when I had an upset stomach.  I didn't ask their permission to take it.  There were two boxes of it.  One was cold medicine.  One was upset stomach medicine.  Her and my step dad were throwing a fit because they were convinced I didn't look to make sure I took the right one and took the cold medicine instead of the stomach medicine.  Ok... well even if I did, what the hell does it matter?  The worst that happens is my stomach doesn't feel better.  It was the stomach one I took though, I read the box. 

And these are the same people who gave me NyQuil once before sending me off to school, knowing full well it was NyQuil.  I was really sick and they wouldn't let me stay home.  My Mom comes up to me with this cup of liquid and says, "Here take this cold medicine."  So I did.  And then 20 minutes later I'm practically passing out waiting for the school bus.  I asked my Mom what that was that she gave me and she told me it was NyQuil.  And I was like, "How am I gonna stay awake in class?"  Her answer was "Shut your mouth."  I ended up going to school and having to go in the nurse's office and sleep all day because I couldn't stay awake. 

Ranch dressing... another one.  My Mom made baked potatoes all the time.  At least twice a week.  I love putting ranch dressing on baked potatoes.  Every time the bottle got low, I was in trouble because I must have ate it all.  I'm the only one who puts it on baked potatoes.  So it's my fault the bottle is low.  Nevermind the fact that it's a pretty widely used condiment and everyone else uses it too on various food. 

Maybe I'm just loopy because I woke up after three hours and can't go back to sleep.  But I'm writing this and just laughing to myself at how ridiculous all this stuff is.  My Mom loved to brag about what a bad kid I was.  And yes, that's basically what she was doing.  But it was more a brag about herself.  Like, "Look what an awesome mother I am.  I have this unruly teenage daughter but I'm keeping the situation under control by locking up the Advil, and giving her prescription painkillers away." 

I was in our church's choir from age 14 to 16.  She put a stop to that because I enjoyed it and I could sing.  I wonder what the reaction was when she told her friends, "Yea, my kid is so awful.  Oh my God.  She wants to be in the church Choir and I won't let her."  Like, if your biggest problem with your kid is that they want to sing in the church choir and you won't let them you should be grateful.  I could have been out doing drugs and banging random guys and shoplifting and stuff. 

I think I wrote in here once about her whole thing about lufas and body wash.  I wasn't allowed to use a lufa when I was a teenager.  According to her they aren't to wash with.  They are to buff off dead skin.  Just like body wash isn't for washing either according to her.  It's for making you smell good.  Why the hell is it called body wash then and not perfume? 

I have never liked vegetable soup.  Never.  One time I got in trouble for not wanting to eat vegetable soup and her and my step dad were both saying I eat tacos so I should also be ok with eating the vegetable soup.  They tried to say tacos have all the same ingredients.  Um, no. 

I am seriously cracking myself up writing this stuff.  I really do need to try to go back to sleep, though.  Try to get a few more hours in before work.  Might have to bust out the NyQuil, lol. 

Ugh!  Reading the things they did reminds me of many things my husband's parents did to him while growing up... things that never made sense to him, but that it's pretty easy to see they just didn't like him.  Hate that they pulled you out of choir because you loved it 😞  So awful!

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On 2/23/2022 at 7:51 PM, Cynder said:

Looking back, this is really messed up.  That wasn't my motive in any of these situations.  And even if it was, ok... Is feeling important and feeling like I matter really a bad thing?

Yes... those were really messed up situations where she wanted to squash your self-esteem/motivation etc.  

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1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Ugh!  Reading the things they did reminds me of many things my husband's parents did to him while growing up... things that never made sense to him, but that it's pretty easy to see they just didn't like him.  Hate that they pulled you out of choir because you loved it 😞  So awful!

Our church's choir was pretty epic too.  It was a big Catholic church.  There were about 75 people in the Choir.  We sang a lot of Latin/Gregorian stuff.  We actually recorded professionally too.  At the Christmas Mass when we would do Ave Maria...  we sang it A Capella and it was so beautiful. 

Right after we recorded professionally the director started asking me if I was interested in doing some solos here and there.  And it was around that time she decided I couldn't be in the choir anymore.  I guess she couldn't handle that someone actually thought her kid had some talent. 

It's funny though...  I haven't been a practicing Catholic since I was a teenager.  Her pulling me out of the Choir also basically pulled me out of Catholicism.  And she really hates that now and a couple years ago she pretty much begged me to join the Choir again just so I would start going to church again. 

There is no way I could ever be Catholic again, especially after having a NDE.  I'm not disrespecting Catholics.  I think there are a lot of really beautiful things about Catholicism.  But since my NDE I just don't label myself as anything because all organized religion is BS.  I don't mean that as an insult.  I just mean organized religion is man's way of trying to explain the unexplainable.  Our little inferior human brains can't even begin to comprehend what "God" is.  So we try by creating a narrative and attempting to personify him/her/it.   

Anyway, not going into any more of that because I don't want this thread closed.  The point I was making is that now she's starting to realize some of the mistakes she made as a parent.  She's terrified that I"m damned for all eternity now because I'm not Catholic anymore.  But her actions had a major hand in me not being Catholic anymore. 

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1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Yes... those were really messed up situations where she wanted to squash your self-esteem/motivation etc.  

I don't know if I will ever really have any self esteem even as an adult.  I try to see the positives about myself.  But it always ends up coming back to being ugly.  I know that doesn't make any sense.  I can sit here all day telling myself that I'm a good person and I'm talented and intelligent and whatever else.  But that voice inside always is like, "Yea, but you're ugly." 

Someone could be the most awesome person in the world, but most people have no desire to get to know ugly people, so who will ever know what a great person they are.  Ugly people are invisible and disposable. 

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Setting up for Elsewhere tonight.  My sleep schedule is going to be so screwed.  I'm staying up today because I would rather be tired for setup than tired tomorrow at the show.  If I sleep today then I will be up all night and tired as hell tomorrow while working the booth. 

I've guzzled down plenty of caffeine.  Kyle will be here in a few hours to load up the van.  It's 26 degrees out and my driveway is a sheet of ice.  That will make this real fun.  If anyone busts their ass I hope it's me.  If Kyle falls and hurts himself he could technically sue me. 

D will not be there.  I think he's been banned from this show.  I'm sure he blames me for his banishment.  I had nothing to do with it.  I haven't gotten him banned from anything.  The only thing he got banned from that had anything to do with me was a Facebook group.  He was in the BHS Facebook group long before he ever knew me.  And they got multiple complains about him because he was hitting on all the girls and constantly trying to sell stuff.  Well, after I ended it with him, the admin of that group started asking what happened.  She's also a friend of mine.  So I told her.  She basically decided Ok, this guy has caused problems in our group, and he abused his ex, he's not the kind of person we need in the group.  So she banned him.  I didn't ask her to ban him.  But that was the only thing he got banned from that had anything even remotely to do with me.  

Shoe runners are banning him because he's an a*shole.  He expects all the other vendors to just kiss his ass.  He thinks he's just allowed to break the rules, too.  Like, his space is 10x10 but he brings his 12x12 tent and just expects his booth neighbors to  move over to make room for him.  And that's just one example.  I can see where people get pissed off about that.  He paid for a 10x10 space, so that's what he should get.   Plus him throwing fits and screaming at his staff doesn't help.  He can't keep employees to save his life.  I've only ever had one employee quit on me and she quit because of him.  She just couldn't handle being yelled at all the time and I don't blame her. 

Well I could go on and on about vendor politics and behind the scenes festival stuff.  So many people don't realize what vendors deal with.  Imagine having the hear the Hamsterdance song for 12 hours.  I was right by a food truck at an event that played that song on repeat All. Day. Long.  If you're not familiar, the Hamsterdance song is catchy for like 3 seconds.  After a while we all just tuned it out.  And looking back it's funny.  But it did get really annoying.  And it was like 98 degrees out that day too. 

I'm really excited for this weekend, though.  I really hope all goes well and no bombs get dropped. 

And now I just have to...

 

Edited by Cynder
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20 hours ago, Cynder said:

It's just an interesting thing to think about.  When the internet started becoming more mainstream back in the 90s these are the things no one thought about.

Oh they did.... remember parental controls? 

Didn't work too well lol...

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6 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Oh they did.... remember parental controls? 

Didn't work too well lol...

Well yea people thought about their kids accessing porn online back then.  But people didn't really consider the long term affects it would have on relationships and the way people think about sex, etc. 

We weren't allowed to have the internet in my house when I was a teenager because of me.  Or at least that's what they said.  It was really because my Mom didn't want my stepdad watching porn online all the time.  But I was the one they blamed because I was the one who was just going to watch porn all the time according to them.  It's so ridiculous...

Well my employee is almost 3 hours late.  I haven't been to bed yet.  I'm a little cranky.  We could have been set up and almost home by now if he would've got his ass here on time. 

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30 minutes ago, Cynder said:

But people didn't really consider the long term affects it would have on relationships and the way people think about sex, etc. 

Ah. Yes. You know, it's funny. People always did have that concern to some extent, which is why watching/reading porn was always frowned upon and done in secrecy. I don't know what the specific concern was back then--maybe that people would go to hell? Become sexually depraved? Promiscuous? Whatever the fear was, now that the dam has broken and everyone has been watching porn since childhood, it's interesting to see what the effects actually are.

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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

Ah. Yes. You know, it's funny. People always did have that concern to some extent, which is why watching/reading porn was always frowned upon and done in secrecy. I don't know what the specific concern was back then--maybe that people would go to hell? Become sexually depraved? Promiscuous? Whatever the fear was, now that the dam has broken and everyone has been watching porn since childhood, it's interesting to see what the effects actually are.

Right.  And it's normalized now.  Like you said, it used to be something people did in secret.  And no one talked about it.  Now it's something no one has any shame about.  And I'm not even saying people should be ashamed.  It's just how things have changed. 

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So, Elsewhere is a no go. 

Today turned out to be one of those epic bad days that people remember for a really long time.  I was really looking forward to seeing all my friends in the vendor community, etc.  This was quite a nasty blow for me.  I'm not banned or anything.  Nothing happened like that.  Just a mistake that the organizers made.  Even though I reserved and paid for my spot, someone didn't write it down.  So now all the booths are taken.  The guy in charge offered me a free spot.  But I've heard so many stories from other people in this situation at different events.  They get a free spot, but it ends up being somewhere really crappy and they don't sell anything.  The spot I originally picked out was right by the food.  It was prime real estate. 

When I found this out I lost all my resolve for the day.  I've been awake for almost 30 hours.  Kyle was 3 hours late at that point.  It was a family issue, not his fault.  Then R messages me and tells me he doesn't see me on the vendor list.  So I messaged the show runner and he takes a while to get back to me.  My heart was just sinking.  I knew something was up. 

And about 20 minutes before Kyle was supposed to be here I moved everything outside into my driveway to make loading the van easier.  It is freezing here and my driveway is a sheet of ice.  So of course I fell and busted my ass doing this.  And since now Kyle is 3 hours late, my stuff is all outside getting snowed on.  I mean, everything is in crates, so it's not like any inventory is getting damaged.  But still, it's going to suck loading up when everything is covered in snow. 

So the guy does get back to me, and tells me there was a "miscommunication." I knew right then what was up.  

I had the conversation with him.  I told him after what happened with Kyle and then this, maybe the universe is just telling me it's not meant to be.  I've been doing this guy's shows for 6 years.  This has never happened before.  I understand crap happens.  I am not mad at him.  I'm just really disappointed.  I feel really bad also for not taking the offer of a free booth. 

But after that conversation I just broke down and cried my eyes out.  And on top of all this, K's birthday is this weekend.  His Mom took him to a hotel for swimming and stuff and then tomorrow they are going to do all this fun stuff for his birthday.  The only reason I wasn't invited was because Elsewhere was this weekend.  So I'm missing out on his birthday for nothing. 

I went outside and put all my stuff away.  It is freezing here and I'm just crying the whole time.  My gridwalls are metal and they were covered in snow.  And I can only pick them up two at a time and move them.  So, carrying freezing slippery gridwalls across a slippery driveway was really fun.  And I couldn't get the lights to come on in the storage building.   Sometimes that happens when it's cold.  So I'm fumbling around in the dark trying to get everything put away and came really close to falling again.  

And I stayed up all day, messed up my sleep schedule... for nothing.  I don't even know why I get excited about things anymore.  Every time I get excited about something something bad ends up happening.  The last time I was really excited about a show was Pride.  And Z decided to leave a week before it.  She complained about having to drive home after, so I decided to take an extra day off work and basically plan this mini vacation for her and I the weekend of Pride.  I found a really cool place to stay that was above a Motorcycle shop in a historic building.  We were within walking distance of a lot of cool stuff.  And she knew I planned all this.  And Pride is one of those shows where I pull thousands of dollars a day.  So I couldn't wait to spoil her and treat her like a Queen all weekend.  She was fully aware of this.  And she left.  I remember the night before she left I was talking about it.  I asked her if she was excited and she said she was.  She was all smiles.  We talked about what a good time we were going to have that weekend, etc.  Obviously she wasn't that excited. 

And now I'm crying again.

I really need to go to sleep.  

I think tomorrow instead of just being sad that I'm sitting at home alone and not at the show, I'll find something fun to do.  I haven't been to the movies in a couple weeks.  Hopefully something good is playing.  

I'm experiencing some anxiety now about this... like FOMO anxiety.  I keep thinking what if something really awesome happens at Elsewhere I'm I'm not there?  Etc.  And I feel really guilty for not accepting the offer of a free space.  I feel like it was really gracious of him to offer that and kind of a slap in the face for me to say no.  But I also explained that I'm not mad.  I just think since all the spots are taken they will have to put me somewhere really undesirable and I won't sell much, and since I'm paying Kyle and paying for his gas, etc, I will end up taking a loss.  And right now I just can't afford to take a loss like that. 

And it sucks for Kyle too because he was counting on the money he was going to make this weekend.  SO I feel bad like I screwed him. 

But I also need to give myself a little grace.  Ok... this wasn't my mistake.  So, it's so easy to forgive the people running the festival for their mistake.  But I can't cut myself a little slack for not taking their offer and because now Kyle isn't going to be paid?  I really need to work on giving myself the same grace I give others.  I guess recognizing it is the first step. 

I'm just so tired of my life sucking.  I want something good to happen and stick.  It was good when Z messaged me out of nowhere to tell me how she's still in love with me and wants to be with me.  But it didn't stick.  I've had about enough of those kinds of situations.  The Universe dangles something in front of me and then takes it away.  

I've even thought what if Z planned on going to Elsewhere this weekend to surprise me.  But that's completely unrealistic.  She didn't even know I was doing it and she likely doesn't know it's even happening.  She had never even heard of this show until she heard me talk about it.

Ok... I'm done now.  I'm rambling and I'm gonna make myself emotional again.   

 

Edited by Cynder
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I like your plan of doing something fun and that is for you tomorrow. 

I've been using the calm sleep stories on YouTube, the free ones, recently to get some sleep. Have you ever checked those out? I'm particularly fond of a certain voice telling the stories, but there's different voices and stories so you can choose what's most soothing for you. 

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35 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I like your plan of doing something fun and that is for you tomorrow. 

I've been using the calm sleep stories on YouTube, the free ones, recently to get some sleep. Have you ever checked those out? I'm particularly fond of a certain voice telling the stories, but there's different voices and stories so you can choose what's most soothing for you. 

I don't have any problem sleeping.  I just work the graveyard shift right now and so this weekend really messed with my schedule.  I worked all night last night, got home at 7AM and stayed up all day because Kyle was supposed to be here at 3:30 so we could go to the venue and set up.  I figured it's easier to stay up all day, sleep all night and be awake and refreshed for the show tomorrow then lay down and sleep for a few hours and then feel like crap. 

Have you ever listened to Lazy Masquerade?  His voice is so calm and relaxing.  But his content is creepy.  He does a lot of true crime and paranormal stuff.  I've never listened to him to fall asleep but I listen to him a lot at work.  I clean a very large health club at night and I'm usually there by myself.  Idk, listening to creepy stories while all alone at night doesn't bother me at all. 

Criminally Listed is another one.  I really like his voice/speech.  But his stuff is also creepy.  Def not for falling asleep to, lol. 

Lets Read is good, too.  He has all kinds of stories about different topics.  And some of his videos are hours long. 

Good to see you again on here.  It's been a minute.  🙂

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I know so much negativity gets written about here...  Writing about this stuff helps.  I can't even really explain why but it does.  I've been carrying a lot of this around with me for so long and I just started realizing about 5 years ago that none of it is normal.  I was told growing up that I had it really good. 

My Dad was really big on this.  I remember being like 10 years old and there was a thing on tv about orphanages in Eastern Europe where kids live in deplorable conditions.  And my Dad kept pointing out to me how I have it so good.  "See, you could be living like that.  See how good you have it?" 

He also acted like just regular adult responsibilities and parenthood made his life a living Hell and I should be so grateful for the fact that he puts up with it.  Ok, so my Dad goes to work every day and makes a paycheck and pays bills... like any other adult does... but he's so miserable and this is all my fault.  Nevermind that it was him who decided to bang a 17 year old when he was married and get her pregnant.  And after that he left his wife, stayed with her and had three more kids with her.  Yep... his life is so hard and I'm 100% responsible for it. 

I wish I could come up with a specific example of this.  He did it a lot but it's hard to explain how.  The closest thing I can think of is when he was about to go get a vasectomy.  I was sitting at the table eating breakfast and he's sitting there guilt tripping me about how he has to go to the doctor today and get this done because having me screwed up his life so much and he doesn't want to make that mistake again.  I was 11 at the time I think.  Even my 11 year old brain knew he was full of crap.  He had three more kids with my Mom after me. 

I know he also used this against my Mom when they split up.  The whole, "Well what if I meet someone else and get into another relationship and want more kids!"  mentality.  Wow... some people just shouldn't reproduce.  He is one of those people. 

Also whenever there was a kid on TV being really bad, somehow I got in trouble.  This was so frustrating for me when I was little.  A kid could be throwing a fit on TV and my Dad would look at me and start telling me that's how I am, etc.  And then before I know it I'm getting yelled at about how bad I am.  I would try to reason with him and be like, "I'm just sitting here."  And then I would hear, "Yea but you act like that all the time."  I didn't.  I am not lying.  I was a stupidly good kid.  I was really well behaved as a child if for no other reason because I was terrified all the time.  I got the belt for minor infractions.  I knew better than to do anything really bad.  I never threw tantrums or any of that. 

Well anyway... I could write more here, but I'm leaving to go get Sushi with my brother. 

 

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I was reading some comments on a story I posted on Reddit earlier this week.  The way people split hairs when talking about my work is something that some people would find annoying.  It doesn't annoy me, though.  Maybe it's my ego.  I just love that my work causes people to actually debate each other. 

When I was in school my middle school participated in a fiction contest every year.  Every year I entered.  I put tons of time into my submissions.  But my Mom always had to read my submission before she would let me hand it in.  And she always re-wrote it and seriously dumbed it down.  She would cut out any description of what characters look like, what their surroundings look like, etc.  I remember finding one of my old submissions to the contest a few years ago and reading through it.  Idk, as an adult looking back I couldn't believe how much of the story was cut out because my mom felt it wasn't "necessary."  I remember in this particular story two main characters had to cross this otherworldly gate to get back home.  And that was one of the climactic parts of the story.  Crossing through this gate was dangerous, they both barely made it, etc.  When I wrote it I spent some much time and energy building suspense, like OMG are they going to make it?  When my Mom re wrote it she just changed it to "then they went through the gate and were home."  She took a whole page and made it into one sentence. 

Then though, there was that one year I won the contest.  The way it worked was every classroom picked the best story.  Then it was the best story in every grade.  Then in the whole school.  And the one that was picked for the school was submitted to a national contest, and then they picked the top 20 (I think it was 20) to be published.  Well, my story went all the way.  I became a published author at age 12.  And that was the one year I convinced my Mom to not re-write my story.  She acted all proud when I won, but I know some part of her was pissed off, too.  This is the same person who told me my writing was nothing but "junk" and "a bunch of garbage."  These are things she actually said.   

When I was a kid my writing was really fantastical.  I had a lot of stories about traveling to other dimensions, etc.  The story that I had published was about interdenominational travel, actually.  I remember one story I wrote in English class when I was in 6th grade got me in a lot of trouble because a Witch was in it and the Witch wasn't the villain.  That doesn't go over well in the bible belt. 

When I was a sophomore in high school my parents made the decision for me that I'm going to spend my last two years of high school in trade school.  At that point in my life I was so set on being an Author and an Artist.  They sat me down and told me that I am not talented enough to do either of those things.  And that computers are taking over so no one will read books anymore by the time I'm an adult anyway. 

I do wonder what killed the fantasy element in my work.  Now I write about things that could really happen.  All my stories are grounded in reality, etc.  I actually got into a debate once with someone who tried to say my work doesn't even qualify as fiction because it could really happen.  Well, yea, but it didn't really happen so it's still fiction.  I couldn't believe I had to explain that to a grown ass adult. 

But anyway... when I was younger my work was really out there.  There was a common theme of escaping to other worlds.  And most of my characters back then didn't have contact with their parents either.  It was always a situation where they were living with relatives, or homeless, or in foster care, etc. 

I feel a little sad that the part of me that used to write these stories about other detentions and stuff is gone now.  Maybe I should challenge myself and try to write like I used to, just for a few pages and see what happens. 

I did this once wither Erotica because I hate writing sex scenes.  I decided since sex scenes trip me up I would try to write an erotic story.  Well, my erotic story really only had one sex scene and morphed into a story where someone ends up murdered at the end.  In that same story I tried to write a scene where two people are flirting with each other but somehow end up talking about religion.  I just had to laugh at myself at that point.  Something that was supposed to be sexy and flirtatious ended up being a horror story. 

In other news, Z just can't see to stay off my Facebook.  I just have to laugh at this point.  She's got her profile set to where I can't see anything. yet she comes to my profile and comments on/likes my posts.  Makes me wonder what she's trying to hide or if it's just a power play.  Like "Oh look, I can see everything you post but I'm just gonna make all my stuff private. hehehe."  She is probably hoping I will ask her about it.  Some people might be wondering why I haven't hidden everything from her.  Well because I don't have anything ti hide, for one. and I don't play those games.  I'm way past 7th grade.  I'm way past playing 7th grade level head games.  She can kiss my ass at this point. 

Six days until I get to see these guys live again...  Tool is one of the few bands I've actually lost count of how many times I've seen them live.  It has to have been at least 12.  My brother is a superfan and used to follow them around.  So he has seen them even more than I have.  Him and I are the Black Sheep in our family and we've both lived such interesting lives. 

 

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RIght now I'm just at a really low point.  Today I didn't even want to get out of bed.  I'm being singled out at work right now because of how I look.  I know some people are probably reading this thinking I'm just jumping to conclusions.  But certain things I've been told and certain things I've witnessed make it seem pretty likely. 

There are currently two other people who work overnight too.  Both of those people aren't expected to do anything.  They get to come to work and sit on the couch ad read (this is what the other girl does) and the guy who works overnights gets to hook up with girls in the parking lot and tan and take selfies all night.  The girl who works with me at night was by herself the other night.  And the team leader told her she didn't have to do anything because 3rd shift is just a "chill shift."  Meanwhile that same team leader has a list a mile long of things she wants me to do when I work.  Ok... so how come the other two people who work overnight get to just relax and bang in the parking lot, but I'm expected to bust ass cleaning all night? 

And the reason I think it's because of how I look is because the guy I replaced was a unique looking person also.  He was chubby.  He had a lot of tattoos, etc.  And they did the same thing to him.  Everyone I work with is fit and hot.  Idk...  I wonder if it's a situation where they keep one ugly person on the payroll just so they can't be accused of discrimination, but they make sure to keep that person on overnights where not many people see or interact with them. 

I like my job.  I mean, I don't mind going in there cleaning.  But it sucks that I am expected to do it all.  When I'm off for a couple days the whole places is a mess.  No one bothers to clean anything when I'm not there. 

So many things that have hurt/upset me all throughout my life boil down to me not looking a certain way.  And yes, some of it is how I've chosen to look.  It was my choice to get tattoos.  It's my choice to have purple hair.  But I was considered ugly before I made those choices and treated differently then, too. 

And the funny thing is, I came home this morning feeling like absolute crap.  And last night a customer told me how pretty I am.  I don't think that's what triggered it. I don't know what triggered this sudden wave of depression.  But it sucks that I can't even take a compliment.  When I was a kid and someone complimented me if I made the mistake of telling my parents I was told things like, "They were just making fun of you."  "They were just playing a joke on you." 

My ex husband told me (after we were married, of course) that he was so disappointed when he met me in person.  We met online.  It wasn't on a dating site.  It was on a local music forum.  I sent him pictures.  And they were honest pictures.  Around that time there was a story floating around online about some guy who met a girl online and they really clicked.  And then she sent him pics and she was really ugly.  But he decided he liked her personality so much that he wanted to meet her in person anyway.  Well it turns out she was a drop dead gorgeous model and she only sent pics of an ugly girl to see if he was really serious about her.  So yay, happy ending because you know, looks are the only thing that matters.  Well my ex told me that he was hoping that's what I was doing.  He hoped that I read that story and just sent him pics of some ugly chick to see if he was serious.  Then he was so disappointed when the ugly chick showed up.  Wow... And he was always getting infatuated with other women.  And every time it was always, "But she's so hot."  And it's not like he was any supermodel himself.  He was an average looking guy.  When we worked together he got obsessed with different women at work and wrote these passionate letters and poetry for them, etc.  And this would always get back to me.  And his excuse was always, "Well yea, but look at her."  

I think one of the reasons my recent ex has such a hold on me even all these moths later is because she's the first person who didn't make an issue out of how I look.  She told me all the time how beautiful I am and she actually made me feel beautiful in her presence.  I know I'm never going to have that with anyone again.  

 

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I know I just wrote something in here.  But when I feel like this, writing is the thing that helps most. 

I had a therapy appointment that had to be canceled today because my therapist had a family emergency.  Hopefully everything is ok with that.  But this interaction I had with Z back when we were still together has been heavy on my mind lately.  I was going to talk about it today in therapy.  But since that didn't happen I'll write about it here.

In the beginning of our relationship we were on the same page about having kids.  When I was younger I really wanted to have them.  But the older I got the more I realized I'm not parent material.  I don't want to bring a kid into the wold with my family history, etc.  It's not that I think I would be mean and abuse my kids.  I just think my mental health is too bad to be a parent.  But I always could see myself being a foster parent or adopting when I'm a little older, etc.  She pretty much had an identical stance.  In the past and in the (then) present.  When she was younger she really wanted to have them.  Then she changed her mind, but could always see herself adopting or fostering later on in life.  (Her and I were alike in so many ways... it was almost creepy sometimes.) 

But as our relationship went on, the more she became almost obsessed with having a baby.  And, since K has been in my life for years, and I've had a part in raising him, I'm able to see now that I probably would have been a good parent.  There are situations with K where I know exactly what NOT to do because of how I was treated as a child.  And so as time went on, her and I talked a lot about the possibility of adopting. 

Neither or us could afford anything like surrogacy or IVF or anything like that.  And she actually can't have kids.  I mean, as a biological male, she can't for obvious reasons.  But her sperm count was also really low even before she started on HRT.  So, the two of us biologically having a baby just wasn't likely at all. 

So we talked a lot about adopting.  And for a long time this was something we were excited about.  But then she started saying how we won't be able to because no one will let someone like her adopt.  And I told her LGBTQ couples adopt all the time.  But she made a good point.  She said. "Well yea, in the movies and on TV they do.  But do you personally know anyone like us who has adopted a kid?"  And she's right.  I don't.  This is the Bible Belt.   So it might not have been as easy for us. 

But then it got to the point where adoption wasn't good enough.  She wanted to get pregnant and actually carry and give birth to a child.  And she would get really upset and depressed about not being able to.  And this upset me, too.  Because it sucked seeing her cry and seeing her get so depressed about something that couldn't be changed.  I did the best I could to comfort her whenever it happened. 

There was one night we were sitting out on the porch and she was crying her eyes out about not being able to have a baby.  I told her maybe we should go and talk to an adoption agency and see what we actually need to do to adopt.  And she snapped at me.  She's like, "That isn't what I want!  It wouldn't really be our kid!" 

And I remembered a piece of advice I got from a therapist once.  For such a long time I devoted my life to moving to Europe.  I lived in a cheap slum apartment because "Well, I'm not going to rent anywhere nice because I'm leaving the country soon."  Etc.  But the more I researched things and the harder I tried, the more I realized how impossible it was going to be.  It isn't a matter of just saving up the money and getting a place and going and living there.  A lot of people think that's all you need to do and don't even think about immigration laws.  The country I wanted to move to has some of the strictest immigration laws in the world.  I spent so much time looking into different VISAs and what I would have to do to obtain citizenship, etc.  And I realized it just wasn't possible.  And this was something I was really upset about for a long time.  And my therapist told me the best thing to do was just accept that I can't do it.  Grieve.  Let it go, and then figure out way to be content here in the US.  And this really helped.

So I tried to pass this on to her while we were sitting on the porch.  I tried telling her she should just try to accept that she can't carry and birth a child, and grieve that loss, and then try to figure out another way to be a mother.  I worded it in the gentlest way I could.  And I told her this was something a therapist told me once.  And she got really mad and started going off on me.  She said that was the worst advice she ever heard, etc.  She said my therapist was a crackhead who didn't know anything, etc. 

And then I tried to explain to her why I was given that advice.  And she was really mocking.  She's like, "Really!  You're upset because you live in the US?  That's your big issue?" 

I said, "Alright well I was just trying to help.  Forget it then." 

And then she was all apologetic. 

There were times that it seemed like she resented me and was pissed at me just for being female.  She hated that I am comfortable with my gender, etc.  At one point she even tried talking me into transitioning to male.  That was a hard no for me.  I told her there is no way that's ever happening.  And of course that was turned around and made into, "What so you have a problem with people who decide to transition?"  No, I just don't want to do it.  And who the hell would approve on a transition under those circumstances?  I could just see it now, "So, why do you want to transition?"  "Because my girlfriend wants me to."  I would be laughed out of the building. 

I was talking to a close friend of mine who is a Lesbian not too long ago.  And she told me she would never date a trans person just because she has a lot of trans friends and has seen the hell they put their partners through even if it's not intentional.  And as the partner of a trans person you're not allowed to say anything because then you're the monster. 

I was made to feel really guilty for just worrying about how her transition would affect our sex life.  Sadly, most trans people don't have much of a sex life post transition.  A lot of them don't go all the way through with it for this reason.  A lot of them can't have orgasms after bottom surgery.  And some can't even have sex at all after surgery.  I tried talking about this with her.  Like, could you imagine never being able to have an orgasm again for the rest of your life?  If that happens how will we deal with that as a couple?  But I'm not allowed to worry about that.  Why?  Well because that's not going to happen to us.  Well we can't be sure, so maybe we should think about what we will do if it does?  Nut no.  I'm the villain now because of this stuff. 

This is the reason I lost a few friends after she left.  Because she convinced people that I just hate trans people.  There were a few people I've known for years who never even asked for my side of the story, they just cut me out of their lives. 

It's so weird being in love with someone and so angry at them at the same time.  After all this crap I still love her. 

I have wondered here recently if it's time to go back down south and see some of my Shaman friends.  Maybe it's time to go deep into the woods and spend some time with Mama Ayahuasca again.  It's been a couple years.  Yea, I have a bottle of it here.  But I think this needs the attention of a Shaman.  There's a lot of anger and negativity inside that needs purged.  It might be time to scream at God, puke my guts out and die d a metaphorical death.  Idk...  I haven't decided for sure yet but I think I might have to.  This is my nuclear option. 

 

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Tonight I Woke up and sat on my bed for a little bit watching TV on my laptop.  Then there was this loud knock on the bedroom door.  I figured it was probably K because usually when I get up he wants to come and hang out with me.  So I was like "Yea?"  And instead of K asking if he can come in I hear my Mom and my brother asking if I'm alright.  Apparently they both had been trying to call me all day and they were worried something happened.  Sometimes people who work normal hours forget that us graveyard workers sleep all day.  My Mom's like, "Why the hell are you sleeping so late?"  Well, because I didn't go to bed until like 8AM, lol.  I'm not mad or anything.  I actually appreciate that they were that concerned. 

I've actually been pretty productive tonight.  I cleaned house for about 3 hours.  And I finished the customized shoes I've been working on for tomorrow night.  Basically I bought a pair of white boots and primed them and then painted them with iridescent paint.  They came out really shiny and oil slick-esque.  I posted them on Facebook and I already have people wanting me to make them a pair. 

So, Thursday night at work was an interesting night. 

First off, I started getting messages from this guy I went to high school with. Ok, I was bullied relentlessly back in high school.  But not by everyone.  There was one girl and her little clique of friends that made it their mission on a daily basis to make me as miserable as possible.  That might seem dramatic, but it really seemed that way when I was going through it.  And she was in most of my classes, so there was just never any escape.  I was the weird artsy goth girl in a high school where everyone was preppy and a Christian.  In my area when you get to your Junior year you have the option to stay at your regular high school and take college prep classes, or spend your last two years in trade school.  Well of course I went to trade school because my parents knew I wanted to go to college and they were going to keep that from happening.  And this chick also went to the trade school.  So there really was NO escaping her.  So, high school really wasn't a pleasant time for me.  But, I am still friends with about half of my graduating class on Facebook.  Like I said, most people didn't participate in the bullying. 

But anyway, this guy, J, who I went to high school with has been my friend on Facebook for like 10 years.  In school we barely said a dozen words to each other.  I was a weird goth girl.  He was a farm boy.  Well the other night at work he starts messaging me out of nowhere and BLATENTLY hitting on me.  And I'm not talking, "Hey baby you're hot."  No, it wasn't anything like that.  He's telling me he was in love with me all through high school and he's always regretted not saying anything, etc.  And now because of his job he travels all over.  He was just in South Africa and is going to Madagascar here in a few months.  And he's telling me how he wants to show me the world, he has carried a torch for me all these years.  Um... what? 

The whole conversation was weird and uncomfortable.  And I do have one memory of him from high school that is pretty disturbing.  I wonder if he even still remembers it.  In history class we were watching a video with the lights out.  The desks were all pushed together in what the teacher called pods.  There would be six desks all pushed together facing each other to make like a table.  And him and I sat beside each other.  And he actually tried to grope me in class while we were watching a video.  I slapped his hand away.  He tried again and I got up and asked if I could go use the bathroom.  I really did go and use the bathroom.  But I figured that was the best way to deal with it at the time.  I didn't want to make a big scene.  I just figured if I leave the room, maybe he will think I went to tell someone and he won't do it again.  Well it worked and he never did it again. 

But I guess he still has that level of persistence.  Because even after telling him multiple times I'm not interested, he started getting really explicit.  He started telling me the things he would do to me, etc.  And then he said something about wanting to send me a "special picture."  I said, "Dude, you send me a *** pic and I'm blocking your ass."  I told him I switched teams, even.  And of course his reaction was "That's so hot." 

The next day I got s sheepish apology message from him saying he was drunk. 

Ok... I must handle my liquor vastly different than everyone else.  Because when I'm drunk I don't suddenly want to hump everything I see like some people.  I don't suddenly become a mean inconsiderate jerk.  (Z, lol.)  When I'm drunk everything is hilarious and everyone is my friend.  I just get really giggly and really friendly when I drink. 

Ok so later on that night, a guy actually came into the club that I went to high school with.  This was at the trade school.  The trade school had about 3k students.  I don't remember a lot of the people I went to school with there because it was just so huge.  You really only got to know the people in your classes.  Z actually went there too, same time I was there but we never crossed paths.  (It still amazes me all the places her and I were at the same time yet never met before.)  But anyway this guy who remembers me from trade school came in the club and was really flirting with me.  And he is really good looking.  SO that was kind of a confidence booster.  I have no desire for a relationship at all right now.  But it's still nice being paid attention to.  

That night I got a phone call at around 5am.  Usually when the phone rings in the middle of the night it's a lost and found question.  It's almost always, "Yea I left my hoodie there, can you go check and see if it's still there and put it up somewhere for me?"  So I was bantering with this one customer, and he made me laugh.  And the phone rings.  I answered it giggling expecting someone to be asking about their water bottle or their headphones or their hoodie, and instead I get the district manager.  He tells me that someone reported us to corporate for supposedly not being open when we say we are open.  We are 24/7.  We never close.  He gave me the name of the person who complained and I couldn't even find her anywhere in our member database.  The name sounded kinda familiar to me, though.  I got home and googled the name and it's the name of some pretty famous Youtuber.  So, someone is trolling us. 

We had a guy call late at night and start asking about the massage services we offer... all along (and unbeknownst to me) masturbating while on the phone. I didn't know until he, uh... finished.  Multiple people I know have told me I have a voice like a phone sex operator.  Too bad phone sex lines aren't really a thing anymore or I could make a killing. 

It's been almost a month since I had any contact with my ex.  She still has me wrapped around her finger.  I've been trying to figure out why.  Like what exactly is the reason?  I have theories.  Of everyone she never made me feel like a last resort, for one.  I never got the feeling she was looking for someone better.  In pretty much all my past relationships that how it felt.  She never made me feel ugly, either.  And I've had people make me feel ugly every since early childhood.  She actually like my art.  Everyone who came before her...  It's hard to explain.  Not like they disliked it.  But there was one ex who was just really mocking and condescending of it.  And he had to point out every little imperfection in everything I painted even when I wasn't asking for any suggestions, etc.  My ex husband thought that anything artistic I do should benefit him in some way.  Aaron, who I wrote a lot about in this thread, he was supportive, but he also used to get annoyed with me for buying paint, brushes, etc.  Like, why does it matter as long as the bills are getting paid?  D... well lets not even go there.  He liked to wear a supportive mask, but then turn around and sabotage me at shows, etc.  

Z was always just supportive.  And she bragged to other people about what a good artist I am, etc.  I felt like I actually made her proud to be with me.  I've never gotten that from anyone else. 

Lately I've been struggling a lot with not knowing if any of this was even real.  Like, was she actually proud or was it an act?  Did she really think I was attractive or was that an act too?  Was I really her first choice or was she secretly looking elsewhere the whole time?  I guess now it doesn't matter and knowing won't help.  I just can't imagine finding the person I'm with so repulsive that I just disappear from their life one day and never give an explanation... the show up in their life again 4 months later and still don't offer an explanation, but just act crazy and love them one minute and hate them the next minute.  I don't know...  Was this all just because she thought I was an easy target? 

Anyway...  Tool tomorrow night.  I actually did try to make a list.  I think this might be my 11th Tool show.  My favorite song by them is easily Pu***, and they are playing it tomorrow.  This is one song that is like a mantra to me in a lot of ways. 

It was a Tool show back in 2019 that finally gave me the courage to dump D.  People have asked me how could just seeing a band play give you that?  Well it's hard to explain.  Music is one of the few universal truths.  Music can convey emotions that words can't.  I knew I was going to end it.  I just was waiting for the right time.  Tool shows are almost a religious experience.  The song Fear Inoculum...  that's the one that did it.  The whole song is about purging toxicity.  Of course it's a metaphor.  They aren't actually talking about poison or germs.  During that song I remember just standing there thinking, it's time for me to get rid of the poison in my life.  And the next day I ended that relationship.   Maybe tomorrow there will be a similar epiphany. 

 

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So, Z has someone new in her life again.  I'm actually not that hurt about it.  If nothing else it just reinforces how confused she is about everything.  Recently she changed her orientation on Facebook from Pansexual to Lesbian, and claimed she is only into women now.  That's all good, no issue there.  Except now she has a boyfriend.  

Early February, she's still in love with me and even if she doesn't want us to date, she doesn't want me to date anyone else.  But she gets to date others...?  I haven't stayed single to appease her.  I've stayed single just because I like being single.  I've had people interested in me.  I'm just not wanting to be with anyone right now.  

She made such a big thing about not wanting to be with anyone, how she's staying single for a long time and working on herself.  Obviously that went right out the window. 

And not to sound judgy...  but this guy she's with just seems like a woman beater.  I used to work in a battered women's shelter and I've been around domestic abusers all my life.  Some of the things he posted on his profile(and yes, I looked) just seem full of red flags.  He seems like someone who is really jealous.  This is probably why she made it so I can't see her posts anymore.  If they just now went public they've probably been talking and hanging out for a bit.  And maybe he got jealous that I commented on a post of hers.  Because she made that change right after I commented on something.  It was a pic of a dress, it wasn't anything deep or meaningful.  And my comment was that it reminded me of an outfit a certain character wears in a movie.  It wasn't anything flirtatious or anything. 

Idk, if he is one of those guys, I just hope he doesn't hurt her.  That's really all I can say.  I can't do anything to stop that from happening.  Part of me is sitting here saying "Well yea but she's a martial artist.  She will kick his ass."  But I never saw any actual proof of her being a martial artist.  She obviously lies.  Who knows if that wasn't something she just lied about? 

I'm sure I'm overthinking this.  But I think the kind of thinking I'm doing is not more productive that counterproductive.  I'm able to see this as just more proof of how unstable she is and how much she lies.  I'm not sitting here crying and devastated like I would have been a few months ago.  It was on Christmas day that I found out about her other relationship... that she was in a few weeks after leaving me.  That hurt a lot worse because she moved on so soon. 

Anyway though, I need to get some sleep. 

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I'm noticing that the more I do to better myself the more the toxic people distance themselves. 

I decided I'm not drinking anymore.  I have never had a drinking problem.   I just decided it lowers my vibration so I'm just not going to do it anymore.  Seeing what alcohol has done to people around me also contributed to my decision. I've seen it ruin a lot of lives.  And I've been through enough in my life.  No need to add to the tragedy.  

So many of the people who act so tight with me and talk about what a POS Z is sure love to kiss her ass on Facebook.  Some of the same people that acted pissed for what she did to me and told me she needs professional help sure are happy that she's got a boyfriend.  Did any of those people notoce her proclamation of lesbianism two weeks ago? Idk... "Hey I'm not pansexual anymore.  I'm a lesbian." Then two weeks later. "Hey guess what, I got a boyfriend!" No one sees any red flags.  It's not like she's a teenager trying to find her identity.  She's well into adulthood.  No one questions her.  They just cheer her on and stroke her ego. 

I've realized the reason this stuff gets to me.  Deep down it's because I feel invisible and I just want someone to see me.  

I do random acts of kindness anonymously all the time.  There's a guy who comes in the club late at night.  One night he complained that they play too much pop music and he wishes they would play more 80s rock.  Well since then I've figured out how to play certain music there.  Whenever he comes in I play all kinds of 80s rock.  And I've never walked up to him and said anything about it.  I just do it to make his day better.  There's a girl who cones in here who loves the Black Eyed Peas.  Same thing.  When she's here i play the Black Eyed Peas.  

I randomly compliment people all the time.  I especially like complimenting people who aren't conventionally attractive because they almost never get that.  I know because I am one of them.  

I have a friend who really wanted to go see Tool the other night but couldn't get tickets.  I made sure to get him a shirt.  

I'm not trying to brag about myself.  I just go out of my way to do nice things a lot.  Yet I feel invisible most of the time.  I don't have a cheer squad behind me telling me how amazing and wonderful I am all the time.  And selfish unstable boose addled people like Z do.  I don't understand it.  

I mean yes, I do a lot of the things I do anonymously.  It's hard to explain... it would just be nice if some of that kindness would come back around once in a while.  

But she is drop dead gorgeous so she's allowed to treat people like crap.  That's just how our society Is.  

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So, I decided I need to get off Facebook.  At least for now.  I am slowly de-cluttering a lot of things.  Cleaning out closets, etc, getting rid of things I don't need.  Well, right now Facebook isn't something I need.  I wrote a few entries back about the song Fear Inoculum. That song is all about getting rid of toxicity.  It really has nothing to do with the song itself, why I'm doing this.  But I am just realizing there are a lot of toxic things and people around me that need to go.  

I do get a lot of positive things from Facebook. I use it to promote my business and I make most of my sales there.  I also follow a lot of artists there and I look at their work for inspiration.  So I thought, how can I still get those befits but not the negative side of it?  Well, when D and I broke up I made a dummy account.  I did this because him and I are both in a lot of vendor groups and stuff.  I wanted to be able to post in those groups about upcoming events and stuff without him knowing.  The less he knows the better.  It's a different name.  The profile pic is a cartoon character.  No way to link it to me.  There are a few people who know it's my account though.  Mainly the Admins of the vendor groups.  When I applied to join the groups as my fake self I messaged them letting them know it's actually me and I'm trying to avoid drama with me ex, etc. 

I followed all the same artists and stuff under that account today.  I will just go on there under that account to do the positive things.  Even though that account only has one friend (the real me.)  I also blocked everyone associated with Z on that account.  And I blocked Z herself.  So I can go on there now and get info about events, look at art, etc, without having to see things that upset me.  I can't be upset about any of this crap if I don't see it.  It just bothers me that people are so blatantly two faced.  The same people who tell me what a POS she is go right to her profile and kiss her ass.  Just more reason to trust no one.  And that means these same people are probably going to her and talking crap about me.  Idk... I've been out of high school for a while now.  I don't really like high drama and games. 

Whenever I finish a painting I'll post it under my real account.  Other than that I'm done for the time being.  I uninstalled it on my phone, too.  I will keep messenger, though.  A lot of my closest friends live really far away.  Messenger helps me stay in touch with a lot of people.  Honestly if it weren't for those friends who live far away I might not be alive right now.  When I was suicidal, talking to a lot of people across the pond and on the other side of the country helped me get through it, and I talked to them mostly on messenger. 

It will be nice to open up Facebook and not feel this sinking in my stomach.  Since my dummy account has only me as a friend, I don't see anything in the newsfeed but art and funny memes.  Because I follow some humor pages too. 

And I didn't make some big proclamation that I was leaving either.  Instead of standing on a table screaming, "Hey everybody, I'm leaving, beg me to stay, please!"  I just quietly slipped out the back door when no one was looking.  I doubt anyone will even notice.  I doubt my posts brighten anyone's day.  I know a lot of people like seeing my art posts.  But that's really all I have to offer on there. 

If I'm bored at work and want to scroll through something... Instragram and Reddit are much better alternatives.  I have no negative associate with either.  I have fans on Reddit, lol. 

I have also been eating so much better.  Even thought there is junbkfood readily available to me all the time at the club, I rarely touch any of it.  And I've gone down a pants size. 

I'm serious... the more I better myself, the less the assklowns want to be around me.  I'm loving it. 

I'm getting my taxes done this Friday, when I get my huge refund (it's always huge because I have extra money withheld from every check.) I plan on fixing the upstairs shower and finally getting this one tattoo I want.  

So, hopefully more positivity is coming. 

 

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