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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


Cynder
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On 2/2/2022 at 2:08 PM, maritalbliss86 said:

There's a lot going on there mentally.  At some level, "she," doesn't want to see those changes, but again, I'm sure you already know that. 😉 

I wanted to reply to this a lot sooner.  You're right, she doesn't want to see those changes on some level.  She did explain to me once why she didn't want her voice to change.  I'm not making excuses for her.  I'm just relaying what she said. 

She has been in multiple bands over the years.  And she can sing.  She told me once that she didn't want her voice to change because she was afraid she wouldn't be able to sing anymore.  Like, would her singing still be as good with a female voice, etc.  Which I can understand that.  If I was a singer that would concern me, too. 

As far as other things, like her boobs, etc...  She always used to say it's pointless because she's too old.  She would say she can just get inplants and have boobs overnight, too.  That was another thing. 

Part of her still wants to be male.  It's very obvious. 

I remember the first time my brother met her she was all dolled up looking hot as hell.  Then he dropped by the house one day unexpectedly just to say hi and also to take a look at my broken lawnmower.  She was out on the porch in men's clothes with a full beard, and he had no idea who she was.  She's just like, "Hey, hows it going?"  And he's like, "Um... why is some random guy just chilling on my sister's front porch?" 

And that was how she looked 95% of the time.  I remember she got mad at me once for saying I find her attractive like that.  Ok, so I'm not supposed to find her attractive like that when she looks that way almost all the time?  She's a very good looking person.  I mean, as a man or as a woman, she's just insanely freaking hot.  And she knows it, too. 

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On 2/4/2022 at 10:59 AM, Jibralta said:

What things are difficult with a 'feminine' amygdala?

Statistically, they have a harder time dealing with emotions and tend to have higher rates of Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar disorder.

Feel like I have to add the caveat that obviously this isn't always true.  And there are women who have what is biologically a more masculine-oriented amygdala... literally their brain structure looks different, therefore they may behave different according to that.

And that makes sense when you think about critical decision making and trying to take your emotions out of it.  There are tons of women that can do that well, but I do believe they have to train themselves to be more like that.  For some, it may come very naturally and it makes me wonder if their structures look more male-like under a microscope.

Edited to add - it all comes down to the hormones the brain is exposed to in utero, we know it, "masculinizes the brain," and of course other structures in the reproductive system.  I'm wondering if consistent and deliberate training also works like that though.  When I was working, I heard it was common for the higher up female management to take testosterone, because they swore it helped with them being able to compete better in the workplace (in every regard).

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2 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

And that makes sense when you think about critical decision making and trying to take your emotions out of it.  There are tons of women that can do that well, but I do believe they have to train themselves to be more like that.  For some, it may come very naturally and it makes me wonder if their structures look more male-like under a microscope.

Interesting. You should read this pubmed article about women's resistance to desensitization. We can debate on a different thread! (Sorry, Cinder!)

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4158377/

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So, OCC is in 11 weeks.  I won't lie, I wish it was sooner.  I wish that because then I would really have to bust my ass to get ready for it and it would be a nice distraction from this whole situation with my ex.  11 weeks is more than enough time to get ready for OCC.  My setup is so small at that show.  Thanks to D they won't let me have a whole 10x10 space anymore.  I got demoted to the smallest space available.  Since I have a small space I can't take much inventory.  I do more Tarot readings that the OC shows anyway.  Reading Tarot cards for 8 hours straight is really exhausting, though. 

As far as time...  Yea, OCC might be in 11 weeks, but Hell City is just three weeks after that.  And Hell City is a huge show for me.  And my setup is massive.  I still can't believe I was even invited to Hell City.  It's not that common for them to invite artists that aren't tattoo artists. 

So instead of thinking of this as I have 11 weeks to prep for a show where I have two bins of prints on the table and spend 8 hours reading Tarot cards, I could think of this as I have 14 weeks to prep for one of the biggest shows I've ever done. 

And of course, Pride overlaps OC Buffalo.  Pride is always the last weekend of August.  Buffalo is the week before that so I figured it would all be fine when I scheduled it.  Well, this year Pride had to be moved back a week so it's the same damn weekend.  Lost Lands is also that weekend.  I didn't sign up for Lost Lands this year because I knew it conflicted with Buffalo.  But in the past Lost Lands almost always conflicts with Pride. 

I film timelapse videos of most of my paintings.  For Hell City I think it would be really cool to have my laptop set up in the booth playing all my timelapse videos on a loop.  Idk though, I would have to figure out a way to set it up so people can see it, but also not pick it up and run off with it. 

I wonder if I can do ten original paintings just for Hell City.  Ok... writing that just made me tear up a little because I know it's probably not going to happen.  I used to crank out paintings like it was nothing.  Since she left I've done maybe 5.  I just haven't been able to get into it and it's not something that can be forced.  And two of the ones I've done are paintings that I won't sell of even have prints made of because they are too person.  Who knows when or if I will ever be the artist I used to be. 

The other night K and I were painting together.  And I asked him what kind of music he wants to hear.  He said, "Old school music." 

I said, "What kind of old school music?"

He said, "I dunno, just old school music."

So I thought for a second and said, "How 'bout old school Metallica, want to hear that?" 

He said yes.  So we painted and listened to Ride the Lightning.  SInce then I've been on kind of an old school Metallica kick. 

 

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So, it looks like I'm doing Elsewhere this year after all.  The organizer owes me about a thousand dollars.  Nothing sketchy.  It's pandemic related.  Basically a lot of vendors booked several of his shows and those shows never ended up happening.  So a lot of his regular vendors have credit with him.  A lot of people are complaining that the location changed.  But all the people I know who are complaining haven't even tried it at the new location.  I figure my booth fee is already covered.  He needs vendors.  It's worth giving it a shot. 

I've got help lined up for it, too.  My employees are all awesome people.  I am really grateful for my staff.  Everyone who works for me is amazing.  But I also treat them well.  I think that has a lot to do with it.  I've known other vendors who treat their staff like sh- and then wonder why they can't keep help. 

So now I 've got a lot of work to do over the next two weeks.  Also need to make sure that work doesn't schedule me that weekend.  I usually don't work weekends anyway. 

 

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So, the anniversary of my Dad's death was very recent.  All my siblings were acting all sad, etc.  I was conflicted.  Idk...  yea, without him I wouldn't be alive.  I get it.  But he was such an a*shole to me when I was a kid.  I mean, I swear the man literally hated me.  But it was weird because he also bragged about me a lot to his friends.  I was 12 when I became a published author.  Yea I know, everyone is a published author pretty much.  If you've ever posted anything online you are technically a published author.  But I actually won a fiction contest for teens and preteens when I was 12 and one of my stories was published.  My Dad did brag about that a lot. 

So the last couple days I've been thinking about some of the things that went down when I was a kid... 

My Dad screwed around on my Mom a lot.  It was so obvious even I knew as a kid what was going on.  But at one point when I was 14 he had this side chick who was always calling our house.  And if anyone else besides him answered the phone she would hang up.  It amazes me that a grown ass man wasn't a little smarter, like really?  We are all getting hung up on but someone calls and my Dad answers the phone and takes it downstairs into his room and is on it for like an hour. 

And when my Mom started questioning him about this, whose fault do you think it was?  Mine, of course.  My Dad tried to say I was going to school and giving our number out and telling everyone to call our house and hang up just to get him in trouble.  And for a little while my Mom actually thought that too. 

She wised up though and actually had our phone tapped.  And once the phone was tapped she told me and my sister to write down the day and time whenever we got a hang up call.  So we did that for a couple weeks and my Mom found out the name of the person who owned the line that was calling our house.  Just for the sake of telling the story I'll say his name was John Smith.  (Yea real original, lol.) 

So one night my Mom and all us kids were out somewhere and my Dad was home alone.  We came back from wherever we were and my Dad just starts going off on me because he just got a hang up call.  He's yelling and cussing about how I better get my stupid friends to stop calling here and hanging up, etc.   Then he turns to my Mom and he's like, "Yea I got three hang up calls while you guys were gone." 

And my Mom looks him dead in the face and says, "Yea, well maybe it was John Smith."  And she walked into the kitchen.  And oh my Gods... my Dad knew he was busted. 

And just in case anyone is wondering, I remember the name.  It was a pretty unique name.  I'm just not saying because of privacy. 

So my Dad is sitting on the couch biting his nails and giving me dirty looks.  He was probably thinking, How can I blame this one on her?" 

So eventually he got up and went into the kitchen and started asking my Mom who is John Smith.  My Mom was like, "I don't know.  But apparently you know him."  My Dad's like, "How the hell would I know him?"  And shes like, "Well whenever he calls here and you answer the phone you talk for like an hour.  So you must know him." 

So he asked how she knows this.  And she said she had the phone tapped. 

Well, it wasn't actually John Smith calling our house.  It was his wife who my Dad was banging.  And I guess John Smith was really into guns and had a pretty impressive collection of them.  And he was also known for having a violent temper and being pretty possessive of his wife.  So now my Dad is terrified that John Smith is going to come after him.  And he's literally begging my Mom not to tell anyone, etc.  What a dumb*ss. 

When I was a little younger and my Mom worked late on Tuesday nights... This was when I was the only one in school.  My siblings would be at the babysitter's house and I would be at home with my Dad.  He would just sleep on the couch all evening.  And if I made any noise or anything he would roll over and be like, "Go outside and play you f*ucking brat."  I would go into the kitchen and just eat whatever for dinner and sit and watch tv when it got dark out.  I didn't actually have a bed.  I slept on the couch in the living room.  So when it was my bed time I had to wake him up so I could go to bed.  And I would always get screamed at in the process. 

But, I feel like it's only fair to talk some about his good qualities.  He could fix anything.  He was really creative.  He was funny and used to just randomly start singing for no reason.  He loved quoting movies.  But it wasn't very often this side of him came out.  Reality is he was an alcoholic who drank himself to death.  And most of the time when his funny side came out he was drunk. 

And his death got some attention locally because he died in jail.  And everyone was talking about the guy who died in jail... how there was going to be this huge lawsuit because the jail didn't take him seriously, etc.  Well there was never a lawsuit.  I'm not sure of all the details. 

I've known multiple people who drank themselves to death.  And people wonder why I'm so worried about my ex and her drinking. 

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I had a computer in my room as a teenager.  No internet access because my parents were convinced I was a deviant who would constantly watch porn and show it to my siblings, etc.  Never mind the porn videos that my dad would forget about and leave in the DVD player, etc.  But anyway, my sister was typing a book report on my computer once and my Mom was upstairs in my room helping.  My Dad was in the living room watching TV. I was also in the living room but I was drawing not paying attention to the TV. 

My Mom called me upstairs to double space my sisters report for her.  It took me like two seconds to do it.  I just highlighted everything, clicked a drop down menu, and hit double space.  I don't remember what word processing program this was but it had a lot of features like that. 

So I did that, and went back downstairs.  And they printed it out.  Well, after it was all printed out my sister decided to read back through it and discovered a mistake.  So she starts flipping out and throwing a fit.  And my Dad is suddenly furious with me because well of course I must have gone up there and messed it up on purpose just so she would get a bad grade.  I was in my room for under a minute.  All I did was double space her damn report.  Never mind that neither her or my mom thought to proofread it before printing it.  It's all my fault.  So, I had to re type the whole thing for her.  And of course she didn't save the file so I had to do it all from scratch, and it was due the next day. 

Once at a family gathering my aunt was really upset about something so random...  It's worth noting that my aunt and I had a weird relationship growing up.  She was another one in the "Cynder is evil" camp in my family.  And I never did anything to this woman.  She just was convinced that I was always trying to make her or someone else miserable no matter what I did.  Well, I guess at some point recently she was switching through channels on her TV and she saw Aerosmith performing.  Ok... I don't even listen to Aerosmith.  Never have.  My Dad was a huge fan of them though so pretty much all my knowledge of their music comes from what I heard him play growing up.  So my Aunt performing... and I guess the singer grabbed himself and was girating his hips... Ok...  So my aunt decides to corner me and lecture me about this because she knows I like rock music and well what she saw was so filthy.  This must be my problems and this must be why I'm such a bad kid, etc.  And then on the way home my Dad decided to b*tch me out about it.  I'm like 11 at this time.  Ok... so my aunt saw some guy from a band I don't even listen to grab his crotch and shake his ass on tv... and she was upset... and I'm in trouble for this why...?  But my Dad was really pissed.  And I was so confused because he's the one who liked Aerosmith.  There are some situations I can look back on as an adult and understand why my parents were mad or frustrated.  But this is one that still has me stumped. 

When I was in 5th grade there was this girl who bullied me on the bus to school every day.  My Dad kept telling me just to deck her.  So one day I did.  I was 11 at the time, keep in mind.  My Dad and mom too had both told me to just punch this girl out multiple times.  So I did.  My Dog died, and she was teasing me about my dog dying, so I just turned around on the bus and punched her in the face.  Well, I was of course in big trouble at school and even bigger trouble at home.  My Dad demanded to know why I did it.  And I said "You guys always tell me to deck her, so I decked her."  Keep in mind I grew up in a household where violence was the norm.  My parents were violent with each other on the regular and I got hit full force in the face all the time.  But my parents are pissed at me now because "We don't solve problems with violence in this family."  That's what I was told... but then guess what my punishment was.  And ass whoopin'.  11 year old me was so confused.  Like... I'm supposed to deck this girl, so I do.  And then well we don't solve problems with violence in this family, but your punishment will be violent.  And my Dad also told me that if this girl's parents decided to press charges and I go to jail they won't bail me out.  He told me that I could be locked up for assault and that they would do nothing.  And I believed him.  So here I am at , scared I'm going to go to jail.  I know what I did wasn't right.  But the parenting regarding this situation...    I will say though, that girl never bothered me on the bus again.  Still not advocating violence, just saying.  

There was also the time when I was 14 that he just got out of jail.  He did 30 days for assault (go figure, lol.)  I was sitting in the front seat of the car with my Mom and he was in the back seat with my two brothers.  We stopped at a gas station and my Mom went inside to pay.  And my dad is just in the backseat loving all over my two brothers and talking about how much he missed them when he was in jail, etc.  This along didn't bother me.  But then he started apologizing to me for it.  He's like, "Well sorry I'm being all lovey dovey with them and not you, etc."  And it really didn't bother me.  I just came to expect that from him.  But then he proceeded to break down the order in which he loves his kids.  He's like, "Well I love your sister the best because she's the prettiest.  And then after her I love both your brothers the most because they are my sons and a father always really loves his sons.  And then I love J the most because she was my first born.  Well, I guess that means I love you the least Cynder, sorry.  That's just how it is."  Yep... that's how it is, Dad.  

In reality he hated himself.  I just represented all the things he hated about himself.  He was also a closet bisexual all his life.  He never knew that I came out.  He was dead long before I was out to my family.  But I'm sure he would have hated me for that, too.  I do wonder how he would have felt if he would have known my sister, who was his favorite, is gay.  

I still know things would have been way different in my family if I would have came out first.  I remember when I was in my late teens I had a friend who was very open about her bisexuality.  And the first time she ever brought me over to her house her parents (who were awesome and super supportive) thought I was dating her.  I told my mom about it and she was like, "Well I hope they don't start spreading that all over town.  I don't want people thinking I raised a *word that rhymes with bike.*  What would people think of our family?"  So, I know exactly how things would have been for me if I came out first.  

My sister came out, and oh, she's so beautiful and awesome and courageous.  We all support her.  Ok... well now it's my turn.  Um... guess what?  They accept my orientation out of default because they kinda have to.  Some of the older members of my family were convinced I only did it to get attention and be like my sister. My sister was the one that was the most angry though because she is very unapologetically biphobic.  Biphobia is a thing in the LGBTQ community.  My sister was literally screaming in my face when I told her because according to her i make real gay people look bad and I'm only pretending to be gay when it's convenient.  That's not how it works.  I don't wake up and think, "Gee, I think I'll be gay today because it's convenient."  It's more like, "Look at that girl over there.  I'm attracted to her.  Wow and look at her boyfriend.  I'm attracted to him too." 

On another note... Elijah is starting to creep me out a little bit.  Never had a client leave random gifts on my doorstep, and contact me just to tell me they are going into the psych ward for a while, and insist I get tacos with them all within days of each other.  He's just a client.  But I think it's obvious he wants to be more than my client.  He started backing off a little though once all this stuff started happening with Z. 

And speaking of her... I haven't talked to her since Tuesday when I went to the gas station.  And I'm feeling ok about it.  Like... throughout the day I wonder what she's up to and stuff, but it's not all consuming like it was.  And she liked and commented on a Facebook post tonight that is a couple weeks old.  So, she must have been really scrolling back far looking at what I post.  And it was a meme about being single.  It said, "Relationships are about solving problems together.  Problems you wouldn't have if you were single."  And right after she liked/commented on that, she posted three members about being single back to back on her profile.  Idk... to me it kinda reads like she's saying, "Oh... you like being single?  Well look, so do I!" 

I'm going to take myself out on a date later.  Really all this means is I'm going to the movies by myself, lol.  Maybe I'll even buy myself a rose and some chocolate.  I think Valentine's day is stupid.  Always have.  But I'm all about self care. 

And some trippy acid rock for all...  I have always wondered what listening to this would be like while deep into an Ayahuasca journey.  I think it would be so terrifying but so beautiful all at once.  I've had people ask me what my near death experience was like... and I've always had such a hard time explaining it.  There have been a couple times when I've just told them to go find this song and listen to it.  That's what my NDE was like.

 

Edited by Cynder
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1 hour ago, Cynder said:

I'm going to take myself out on a date later.  Really all this means is I'm going to the movies by myself, lol.  Maybe I'll even buy myself a rose and some chocolate.

I did that once. God, it had to be almost 20 years ago. It's still such a fond memory, though. I'd had a somewhat explosive break up with a guy that I was dating. Instead of sitting home and silking, I decided to try sushi for the very first time. Unfortunately, the restaurant was closed. So, I went to a nearby mall, where I had my make up done and my hair blown out. Then I went to my cousin's party looking like a million bucks. It was nice.

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10 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I did that once. God, it had to be almost 20 years ago. It's still such a fond memory, though. I'd had a somewhat explosive break up with a guy that I was dating. Instead of sitting home and silking, I decided to try sushi for the very first time. Unfortunately, the restaurant was closed. So, I went to a nearby mall, where I had my make up done and my hair blown out. Then I went to my cousin's party looking like a million bucks. It was nice.

Unfortunately I am not going.  I'm canceling on myself, lol.  But it's because my back is really hurting.  I would rather just take a muscle relaxer and sit at home painting and watching movies.  Antlers is streaming on HBO Max, I love me some Wendigo, lol.  Actually I just sketched out a painting of a Wendigo here recently. 

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I think I am getting to the point now where I just don't care about calling people out on their BS anymore.  I called Z out and now it's like why not call everyone else out while at it. 

My Mom called earlier and I was in so much pain I was bawling when I answered the phone.  She immediately bombards me with half a dozen questions about whether I took Advil, did I try using biofreeze, etc.  And I said Yes I tried all that but I think it needs cracked.  And biofreeze and all that won't help if that's what it needs.  And she's like, "Well backs aren't supposed to be cracked so don't even think about calling a chiropractor, that will just make it worse."  I know to people reading this it probably sounds like she's just being a concerned mother.  But you all don't understand her tone.  She is really accusatory when she's saying all this.  So I got kinda pissy with her.  I won't lie.  I was just waking up.  I was in tons of pain... could barely even walk downstairs.  And she was like, "I know you're frustrated but you don't need to take it out on me."  And I was like, "Well it's not like you haven't done it to me plenty of times."  And she hung up on me. 

And then just a little bit ago...  I have a vendor friend.  We'll call him R.  He is married.  He's completely obsessed with L, my roommate.  It's gotten to the point where I only talk to him about shows and vendor related stuff now.  Because whenever I try to talk about anything personal, which I could do for a long time, he always had to turn it around and make it about L.  When Z left and I was heartbroken...  There were a couple times when I tried talking to him.  And instead of any kind of support, all I got was "What's L up to today?  Is L dating anyone?" 

Hims and his wife sell at a consignment shop that I sell at.  They went down there not too long ago and saw a bunch of new paintings I put in there.  He messaged me to tell me how much he loves the painting I did of L.  Well, it's not of L.  The reference photo I used for that painting was of a model named Morgin Riley.  I sent him a link to her isnta, and he got all irritated with me.  And L looks nothing like her, lol. 

He had a party over the summer that L and Z and I were all invited to.  Well, L ended up not wanting to go.  So just Z and I went.  And he acted all pissed off that L didn't show up and took it out on me. 

Well, he messaged me a little bit ago to ask if I signed up to do Elsewhere this year.  I told him yea.  I know everyone is complaining because it's at a new venue this year and they don't think it will bring as much foot traffic.  But I figured instead of sitting around complaining and assuming it will be bad, I might as well try it.  Maybe the new venue will be better.  Then he's like, "Well who's helping you at that show.  I exhaled slowly because I know exactly what he's getting at.  Well, for Elsewhere I have two male employees helping me.  So I told him, "Kyle and Jay are helping me.  Sorry, L isn't coming.  I know that's what you really want to know anyway." 

Of course he's just so taken aback.  And I said, "Well, every time we talk anymore it's just L this, L that.  That's why all I talk about is shows and business stuff with you anymore." 

Then he's like, "Well sorry for asking about other people." 

And I said, "Well, when I'm upset and I try to talk to you and all you're concerned with is what L is doing it's kind of a slap in the face."  He never answered. 

So... think I just lost a friend.  That makes me sad, but I also feel like maybe he needed to be called out.  He's a married freaking man.  And I'm sure he's going to go straight to L and tell her all about it.  I don't give sh*t.  Idk... there is something really liberating about calling people out on their BS. 

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Somebody on Reddit just told me my writing style reminds them of Hemingway.  This isn't the first time someone has made that comparison, either.  So I really think I need to go read something he wrote.  I know an English professor I had in college said once that Hemingway's work focuses a lot on masculinity, etc.  And a lot of people who read my work without knowing me assume I'm male.  I get a lot of, "I can tell a man wrote this because XYZ.  This doesn't bother me in the slightest.  I actually find it really flattering because society seems to have this idea that women are less capable as writers or that they can only write fluffy romance crap. 

I know a professional Author.  He does a lot of festivals.  I asked him once if he would take a look at my work. Him and I are friends on Facebook.  We've gotten to know each other over the years.  He has talked to me about doing cover art/graphic design for him, etc.  So it's not like I just approached some random stranger, etc.   And he was like, "I don't read romance stuff."  Um... and I strike you as someone who writes that?  Why because I'm a girl?  Lol.  Most of my stuff is about crime, mental illness, and straight up human cruelty. 

When I was a kid my Mom was for some reason convinced that I was always plagiarizing my work or tracing my artwork.  It's like, "No, we can't just acknowledge that you're good at anything, heaven for-f*cking-bid." 

When I was around 15ish I wrote a poem in my journal and in it I used the phrase "I have become comfortably numb."  Ok, obviously I didn't write that myself.  It's a line from a very famous song.  But I also didn't claim I came up with it.  And in the poem I even put it in quotes.  Idk how to explain the context in the poem that I used it.  That song was playing when I was writing it, and it just seemed like a good fit.  And this was just a poem in a teenage girl's notebook.  I wasn't trying to make any money off it, or anything like that.  Harmless.  Well my parents saw it and my Mom was pissed.  That was the basis of her thinking I'm always "copying" other people.  And as if I didn't learn my lesson the first time, when I was 17 I did it again with the line, "I'm a freak of nature but they love me so." which is from a Red Hot Chili Peppers song.  Well I got in trouble for that too.  Ok... I should have learned.  But also, they could have given me some flippin privacy and stayed the hell out of my stuff.  I have just now gotten to the point where I feel safe keeping any kind of handwritten journal.  And even now, the things I write in it aren't that person.  Because every handwritten journal I've ever kept has been read.  Either by parents or by friends or by roommates, etc.  And every time it's always been, "Well you should have hid it better."  or something like that as an excuse when I've confronted whoever read it. 

Idk... Mom also seemed to think whenever I took any kind of medicine for anything I was just taking it to get high.  I have no clue where this one came from.  I remember when I was a sophomore in high school there was a whole week where I just had a headache that wouldn't go away.  And she saw me take Asvil twice in 7 days and decided I must be taking it to get high.  Who the hell gets high off Ibuprofen?  Seriously?  That's what Advil is.  And so they started locking up the Advil so if I had a headache, well screw it.  I just had to suck it up. 

And there was this whole weird thing about Alleve, too.  I don't know why, the Advil was locked up, but the Alleve bottle was kept right on this round thing we kept on the kitchen table that had salt and sugar and stuff on it.  It's weird that this bottle of pills was kept with seasonings, idk.  I never took any of the Alleve, ever.  But boy oh boy... Whenever they got low, I was in trouble because I was "popping them like candy." according to my Mom.  When I had oral surgery my senior year in high school I got Vicodin.  It was only like 5 pills.  I took one the night I came home and slept for like 12 hours.  And then they all came up missing.  I didn't dare say anything though because I know I would have been accused of just taking them all at once.  Later on down the line my Mom told me when she was drunk that she took them and gave them to a lady she works with who likes them.  Lol... you can't make this crap up.  SHe said she did it because she was afraid my step dad would get into them.  Ok... so all this time all this crap about me taking pills and stuff was really just a fear of my drug addict step dad taking pills.  Yep... classic projection. And my sister also used to steal my Grandpa's Vicodins whenever she was at his house.   She would just take one or two so he wouldn't notice.  Jeez I'm imagining the wrath and the furry that would have rained down on me if someone who have noticed any of them missing. 

I got in trouble once for taking alka seltzer when I had an upset stomach.  I didn't ask their permission to take it.  There were two boxes of it.  One was cold medicine.  One was upset stomach medicine.  Her and my step dad were throwing a fit because they were convinced I didn't look to make sure I took the right one and took the cold medicine instead of the stomach medicine.  Ok... well even if I did, what the hell does it matter?  The worst that happens is my stomach doesn't feel better.  It was the stomach one I took though, I read the box. 

And these are the same people who gave me NyQuil once before sending me off to school, knowing full well it was NyQuil.  I was really sick and they wouldn't let me stay home.  My Mom comes up to me with this cup of liquid and says, "Here take this cold medicine."  So I did.  And then 20 minutes later I'm practically passing out waiting for the school bus.  I asked my Mom what that was that she gave me and she told me it was NyQuil.  And I was like, "How am I gonna stay awake in class?"  Her answer was "Shut your mouth."  I ended up going to school and having to go in the nurse's office and sleep all day because I couldn't stay awake. 

Ranch dressing... another one.  My Mom made baked potatoes all the time.  At least twice a week.  I love putting ranch dressing on baked potatoes.  Every time the bottle got low, I was in trouble because I must have ate it all.  I'm the only one who puts it on baked potatoes.  So it's my fault the bottle is low.  Nevermind the fact that it's a pretty widely used condiment and everyone else uses it too on various food. 

Maybe I'm just loopy because I woke up after three hours and can't go back to sleep.  But I'm writing this and just laughing to myself at how ridiculous all this stuff is.  My Mom loved to brag about what a bad kid I was.  And yes, that's basically what she was doing.  But it was more a brag about herself.  Like, "Look what an awesome mother I am.  I have this unruly teenage daughter but I'm keeping the situation under control by locking up the Advil, and giving her prescription painkillers away." 

I was in our church's choir from age 14 to 16.  She put a stop to that because I enjoyed it and I could sing.  I wonder what the reaction was when she told her friends, "Yea, my kid is so awful.  Oh my God.  She wants to be in the church Choir and I won't let her."  Like, if your biggest problem with your kid is that they want to sing in the church choir and you won't let them you should be grateful.  I could have been out doing drugs and banging random guys and shoplifting and stuff. 

I think I wrote in here once about her whole thing about lufas and body wash.  I wasn't allowed to use a lufa when I was a teenager.  According to her they aren't to wash with.  They are to buff off dead skin.  Just like body wash isn't for washing either according to her.  It's for making you smell good.  Why the hell is it called body wash then and not perfume? 

I have never liked vegetable soup.  Never.  One time I got in trouble for not wanting to eat vegetable soup and her and my step dad were both saying I eat tacos so I should also be ok with eating the vegetable soup.  They tried to say tacos have all the same ingredients.  Um, no. 

I am seriously cracking myself up writing this stuff.  I really do need to try to go back to sleep, though.  Try to get a few more hours in before work.  Might have to bust out the NyQuil, lol. 

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2 hours ago, Cynder said:

I really think I need to go read something he wrote.

I read For Whom The Bell Tolls a couple of years ago. And The Old Man in the Sea. Both were good, if a bit depressing. I found him very easy to read. I want to say conversational, but I don't think that's quite right. He did a clever thing that I liked; he changed the sentence structure when a Spanish-speaking character spoke Spanish. The character's words were in English, but the sentence structure was Spanish. I thought that was cool.

My boyfriend read the same books. I just talked to him about those books as I was writing this and interestingly, my boyfriend randomly said "Hemingway was very masculine." So now twice in 10 minutes I've heard that from two independent sources. I never got the impression that Hemmingway was masculine, so I asked my boyfriend, "What makes you say he's masculine?" My boyfriend said, "He writes a lot about honor, battle, physical struggle, stuff like that." I was like, "Oh yeah, you're right! I always winced at those parts, like 'Did he have to crawl and bleed all the way there? Was that really necessary?'" LOL.

 

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Ok Z...  What are not enough people paying attention to you this week so you have to play one of you little junior high mind games to feel like you matter?  Aw, poor baby.  While you're throwing your f*cking tantrum like a 13 year old girl I'll be over here in the real world acting my age.  Unbelievable. 

Such a waste, too.  You're a 10th degree black belt.  You're an amazing musician.  You're a 5 Star level chef.  And you're intelligent, have a great sense of humor and you're drop dead gorgeous.  So much to offer the world.  And you would rather seek out negative attention.  I'm angry, but I'm also welling up right now because I'm just so sad for you.  And that isn't sarcasm.  I really am. 

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54 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

 I was like, "Oh yeah, you're right! I always winced at those parts, like 'Did he have to crawl and bleed all the way there? Was that really necessary?'" LOL.

 

I have a few of those scenes in my stories.  If I remember right you read Courage when I posted it here.  The Russian Roulette scene in that story had a few people thinking I went too far.  I find it interesting that it's the RR scene that made people uncomfortable and not the main character getting raped later on in the story. 

People have told me my style is easy to read.  And my work is depressing as hell.  So I can see why people would make the comparison based on those two things.  

I have scenes in another story that take place in Norway.  I actually speak about intermediate level Norwegian.  And when writing those scenes it was driving me crazy that I had to write the dialogue in English just for the readers' sake.  Because even though just about everyone in Norway can speak fluent English,  a bunch of natives from there wouldn't be speaking  English to each other if they didn't have to.  What you said about the Spanish sentence structure reminded me of that. 

I wish I had more time to reply to all of this.  But I need to leave for work in like 5 minutes. 

Cheers. 

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I seriously feel like I'm on the verge of a f*ucking breakdown right now.  I'm not being dramatic.  I'm just having a moment and writing about it.  I've been support L's lazy deadbeat ass for 6 months now and all I asked her to do was take the damn trash out.  I knew we were supposed to get some brutal weather and I didn't want to try to take it out this morning with all the ice.  Considering I am still recovering from my lat injury.  Well of course she didn't do it.  

I know... first world problems.  Idk, after all this crap with Z,,,  just the fact that this woman is living in my house RENT FREE and can't even take the damn trash out.  I'm just tired of being taken advantage of and treated like crap.  

I have a 16 oz bottle of Ayahuasca in my fridge.  I could really knock myself straight into oblivion for days right now if I wanted to.  And it's tempting.  But I can't take it.  Can't mix it with antidepressants.  Whenever I do it I have to go off my meds for at least 3 weeks beforehand.  The particular antidepressant I'm on isn't an SSRI, so it wouldn't necessarily be a suicide mission.  But it wouldn't be safe at all.  Ayahuasca and SSRIs will kill someone.  It's not even a matter of maybe.  It will.  It's pretty much a guaranteed cardiac arrest. 

There are times I think about dropping dead at work from a brain aneurysm.  Like what if I'm there one night by myself and jsut fall over dead.  And then my death is reported by one of our late night regulars who is more pissed off about not being about to get in a damn tanning bed than they are concerned about the dead woman who works there. 

How many people would really miss me?  Like really?  Not just saying they do.  My brother would.  I think he's the only person who I know for sure would really miss me. 

L would be inconvenienced by having to find a new place to live.  Z would play it up on social media for attention.  She would write long posts about how awesome I am and how much she loves me.  But it would all be for show and for sympathy.  My Mom would feel a lot of guilt.  So would my sister.  Most of my real friends live far away.  So my funeral would be family members who didn't give a rats ass about me when I was alive and people i know locally. 

There are a lot of times when I really do wish I was dead.  I came into this world under bad circumstances.  I wonder if the world would be a better place without me in it. 

Idk.. I can't really think straight right now. 

J and I have been friends for 5 years.  He just ghosted me.  Don't even know why but I think Z is probably involved.  She is suddenly all buddy buddy with L again too.  And they did nothing but talk crap about each other the whole time Z and I were a couple. 

I just wish I could detach from everything.  I've had a NDE.  I know what death feels like.  RIght now I would take death over life, tbh. 

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Well, it's been 16 hours since I wrote my last post... and I still don't feel any different.  It's hard to explain.  I feel so defeated and helpless. I was in a really good mood last night at work.  I felt great.  Then something as simple as the trash not being taken out made me do a complete 180.  I know that sounds ridiculous.  I do.  But after so long of just being depressed and jerked around emotionally.  I have some freeloading lazy ass living in my house and she can't even take out the damn trash.  My house could be a lot cleaner.  She doesn't pay rent and doesn't do anything but sleep.  And as much as I love K, I get tired of being the full time babysitter.  On nights when she's home and K is here, she just sleeps all day and I take care of K.  I love that kid to death, but there are days when I don't feel like babysitting. 

Like tonight... I only got 4 hours of sleep because I had to be up for a therapy appointment.  As soon as I got back from my appointment, she just went to bed and left K in my care all night.  Ok... what if I just wanted to relax? 

I have Elsewhere to get ready for.  Etc...  I did nothing but cry all through therapy and tell my therapist over and over again how overwhelmed and defeated I feel. 

The situation with Z definitely doesn't help.  I know I shouldn't let her have this much power over me.  Like, why does he opinion matter so much?  It shouldn't.  It does because I still love her.  I know I should rise above all this crap.  But I can't. 

I'm just so tired of life sucking.  I am back to hoping for car accidents and aneurysms again. 

 

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10 hours ago, Cynder said:

I was in a really good mood last night at work.  I felt great.  Then something as simple as the trash not being taken out made me do a complete 180.  I know that sounds ridiculous.  I do.

That has happened to me before. It totally sucks.

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On 2/18/2022 at 12:38 PM, Cynder said:

I seriously feel like I'm on the verge of a f*ucking breakdown right now.  I'm not being dramatic.  I'm just having a moment and writing about it.  I've been support L's lazy deadbeat ass for 6 months now and all I asked her to do was take the damn trash out.  I knew we were supposed to get some brutal weather and I didn't want to try to take it out this morning with all the ice.  Considering I am still recovering from my lat injury.  Well of course she didn't do it.  

I know... first world problems.  Idk, after all this crap with Z,,,  just the fact that this woman is living in my house RENT FREE and can't even take the damn trash out.  I'm just tired of being taken advantage of and treated like crap.  

I have a 16 oz bottle of Ayahuasca in my fridge.  I could really knock myself straight into oblivion for days right now if I wanted to.  And it's tempting.  But I can't take it.  Can't mix it with antidepressants.  Whenever I do it I have to go off my meds for at least 3 weeks beforehand.  The particular antidepressant I'm on isn't an SSRI, so it wouldn't necessarily be a suicide mission.  But it wouldn't be safe at all.  Ayahuasca and SSRIs will kill someone.  It's not even a matter of maybe.  It will.  It's pretty much a guaranteed cardiac arrest. 

There are times I think about dropping dead at work from a brain aneurysm.  Like what if I'm there one night by myself and jsut fall over dead.  And then my death is reported by one of our late night regulars who is more pissed off about not being about to get in a damn tanning bed than they are concerned about the dead woman who works there. 

How many people would really miss me?  Like really?  Not just saying they do.  My brother would.  I think he's the only person who I know for sure would really miss me. 

L would be inconvenienced by having to find a new place to live.  Z would play it up on social media for attention.  She would write long posts about how awesome I am and how much she loves me.  But it would all be for show and for sympathy.  My Mom would feel a lot of guilt.  So would my sister.  Most of my real friends live far away.  So my funeral would be family members who didn't give a rats ass about me when I was alive and people i know locally. 

There are a lot of times when I really do wish I was dead.  I came into this world under bad circumstances.  I wonder if the world would be a better place without me in it. 

Idk.. I can't really think straight right now. 

J and I have been friends for 5 years.  He just ghosted me.  Don't even know why but I think Z is probably involved.  She is suddenly all buddy buddy with L again too.  And they did nothing but talk crap about each other the whole time Z and I were a couple. 

I just wish I could detach from everything.  I've had a NDE.  I know what death feels like.  RIght now I would take death over life, tbh. 

Hey Cynder,

 

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I don’t really know what to say. I know we haven’t spoken before and I have just realised your journal. 
 

Please try and weather this storm. Keep writing, do things that you can still find peace and pleasure in and amp up your therapy sessions if you can? I’m sorry, I feel like I wish I could help in some way but I know I can’t.

 

x

 

PS - just discovering your journal! You write from the heart.

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Just wanted to add,

 

I have discovered your journal and can’t stop reading! I have started from the beginning! Wow, what a life you lead Cynder. I am in the strange position of starting at the beginning here so, I don’t know where this leads for you yet.

 

I find it very interesting because you started this journal age 32 and, that is the age I am at. I have also been married at similar times - I was 23 just turning 24 when we got hitched and we have been married 8 and a bit years now. I know in your journal it is 8 also at the start.

 

You do write so well. I can feel the characters of all these lost souls you are around. Your life is so different from mine. This has opened my eyes. Hooked!

 

Hope you don’t find this comment creepy! 
 

Real life to me is so much more interesting a read than fiction!

 

x

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I work with a lot of thin, toned good looking ppl.  I'm the only person at my job who looks the way I do.  But the way my co workers eat really amazes me.  Someone I work with is obsessed with Takis.  There are always at least 3 bags of takis in the breakroom.  There are always snack cakes.  Pop tarts.  Lots of soda.  And there is always pizza.  I'm not judging anyone.  If I could eat junk all day and still look good and be healthy I would too.  I just think it's funny that I'm the only chubby one who works here and I never touch any of that stuff.  

On my phone.  Sorry if this is sloppy.  

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15 hours ago, mylolita said:

Just wanted to add,

 

I have discovered your journal and can’t stop reading! I have started from the beginning! Wow, what a life you lead Cynder. I am in the strange position of starting at the beginning here so, I don’t know where this leads for you yet.

 

I find it very interesting because you started this journal age 32 and, that is the age I am at. I have also been married at similar times - I was 23 just turning 24 when we got hitched and we have been married 8 and a bit years now. I know in your journal it is 8 also at the start.

 

You do write so well. I can feel the characters of all these lost souls you are around. Your life is so different from mine. This has opened my eyes. Hooked!

 

Hope you don’t find this comment creepy! 
 

Real life to me is so much more interesting a read than fiction!

 

x

Ii don't find this creepy at all.  I like that someone is so into something I wrote.  I just wish I would have kept up on this more consistently.  There is a seclveral year gap when I was doing a lot of traveling.  I feel like this years would have been the most interesting.  

I write fiction, too.  I have a story posted in the poetry, prose etc section of this forum if you feel like checking it out.  It's called Courage.  

I've had people say I should write a book about my life because it's been so um... eventful? 

Thank you for commenting.  It does mean a lot to me.  

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I've gone down one pants size since I started working at the gym.   So that's a bit of a confidence booster. 

Z sure has been active on my Facebook lately.  Yes, on mine.  I know people think I should just block her, but honestly, I'm kind of amused.  She has it so I can't see anything she posts.  But she gets to see everything I post.  She can keep reading my posts.  I don't care.  I don't have anything to hide.  And also, I know she wants me to ask her about it.  I won't give her the satisfaction.  So she can go on reading what I post and wishing for some validation.  I'm just going to go on living my life. 

Also, her first name is very unusual.  I've never met anyone with her name before and until I met her I had never even heard her name before.  It's a Russian name, but it's not even common in Russia.  There is someone on my friends list who calls themself "Prince HerName."  And it's spelled really close, just one letter difference.  It's obvious this is a sock puppet account.  The pics are all stock photos.  Etc.  Do I think it's her?  Of course.  I remember right after she blew up at me about the painting and stopped talking to me, that person started messaging me.  They were asking how I"m doing, etc.  All I can do is shake my head.  She must think I'm really stupid. 

 

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This is something I've been thinking about lately...  Since I've been revising a few stories I wrote in the last 6 months.  This novel that I am writing was all inspired by something that Z told me happened to her as a teenager.  The whole story may have been made up.  She did tell me at one point that she "used to be a compulsive liar."  Idk... it seems like that's something that would be hard to get over without therapy, but whatever.  It's not my problem now. 

So this one thing that she said happened to her inspired a 6 page short story... and then I just kept adding more and more to it.  I hope she never finds out about this.  I don't see it going well for me no matter how she porcesses it.  Either she will let it go to her head and it will really feed her already too big ego.  Or she will be furious with me and go around telling everyone who will listen that I'm obsessed with her so much that I even rote a book about her.  But it's not about her.  It's about crime, drugs, abuse, etc. 

And I made the mistake of telling L a while back.  I didn't go into detail about what the story was about.  But I told her it was inspired by something that Z told me once.  So, since L loves to start stuff, she will probably tell her at some point. 

But even deeper than that... I am a little bit angry with myself.  Like, why the hell does she get to be my Muse?  She doesn't deserve that honor.  I know artists don't pick what inspires them.  Inspiration can strike any time.  But I'm pissed at myself for even being inspired by her. 

And it just brings up some sad feelings I've had in the past over these kinds of things.  I always wanted to inspire someone to create.  And it's never happened.  I was married for 8 years to one of the most creative people I've ever met.  My ex husband was a musician, a film maker, etc.  He also wrote several novels.  

He wrote tons of songs about exes and about random women he had crushes on.  (While he was with me.)  I was his wife for 8 years, I never got a song.

He had notebooks full of poetry about other women, too.   Nothing about me, ever.  

His novels were bad.  I know that sounds mean... but they were.  I read one of them and it was really hard to get through.  And all the female characters were women he knows.  Some of them were exes.  Some were conquests.  Some were girls he had the hots for.  He used their real names.  And they all were described like this:  "Anne had long straight blond hair and a perfect face and a perfect body."  "Gertrude had medium length wavy brown hair and a perfect face and a perfect body."  "LingLing had curly red hair and a perfect face and a perfect body."  And the male lead character was obviously a self insert who just always saves the day and beds all the perfect girls with perfect faces and perfect bodies.  Honestly reading this was like reading some 14 year old's cheesy fantasies.  But of course, I never got to be a character in anything he wrote. 

Z was also a creative person.  She wrote a lot of poetry and song lyrics, etc.  I always thought if I even inspired anyone it would have been her.  But I didn't.  

I know two guys who were in a band together a while back.  And one night they were in the cemetery smoking weed and they found this grave of a girl who died in the 1800s.  They could still read it.  She died at 16 and her name was Eliza.  The band they were in was a Gothic Doom metal band, and that inspired a song.  Just the idea of this 16 year old girl dying in the 1800s, etc.  Maybe one day long after I'm dead someone wonder what I was like, etc. I plan on donating my body to science, so there won't be a grave.  But you never know.  Someone could see one of my paintings a hundred years after I'm gone and wonder about my life, etc.  

 

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There were several instances when I was growing up where I got in trouble for supposedly wanting to feel important and wanting to feel like I matter.  This was always my Mom.  My Dad never got on me about this. But the times I'm thinking of, feeling important wasn't even my intention. 

My elementary school had a 4rth grade graduation.  They made it kind of a big deal.  I remember when I was in 4rth grade and graduating my Mom wasn't going to come.  But my Grandma talked her into it.  And it was just her and my brother.  Well, my teacher asked some of us to help rearrange some chairs before the whole thing started.  So, me and 3 other kids went out into the gym and were moving chairs.  My Mom and my brother were already there.  My brother was 3 at the time.  My brother sees me and yells at the top of his lungs "Hi Cynder!"  and he jumps up and comes running toward me.  My Mom picked him up and took him back to his seat.  It was so cute.  

Well, two year later when I was in 6th grade my school was doing a play.  They did this every year and the whole 6th grade class were basically background extras.  My Mom was really pissed off about having to go.  She tried to convince me to stay home.  I told her if I don't show up then my grade in music class will go down.  That was true.  So she was all huffy about it and once again her and my brother were the only ones coming.  And when we were getting ready to leave she was just being so nasty.  So I decided to lighten the mood and say, "Remember at 4rth grade graduation when *brother* yelled for me and ran up to me?  That was funny."  Oh my... huge mistake.  She ends up going off about how I only said that so he would do it again tonight at the play.  She tried to say I want him to do it so I will feel really important.  She said I need to get over wanting to feel like I'm somebody that matters.  And that I should be glad she is even coming to my stupid play. 

The other time was when I was 17.  The summer when I was 17 we went to the pool a lot.  And there were two pools we went to.  One had safety breaks every hour and you had to get out if you were under 18.  The other one had breaks ever hour too, but you had to get out if you were under 17.  So when we were at that one I would do this thing on safety breaks.  I would go over to the lanes and see how many laps I could swim in a 10 minute safety break.  The pool was practically empty so there was no one in the way.  And one night my grandparents were at the house and I was really proud of myself because I beat my own record that day at the pool.  I swam more laps then I ever had before on a break.  And I was telling my grandma about it.  And my Mom interrupts me and starts giving me crap about how I know I think I'm so big and important because I stay in the pool on break but at that pool you're allowed to at 17.  I told her I know I'm allowed.  And she called me a liar and told me once again that I need to get over wanting to be so important and thinking I matter. 

When I was 14 I asked if I could hand out candy to the trick or treaters.  I just wanted an excuse to get dressed up, honestly.  I love Halloween.  I just wanted to get all done up scary and hand out candy.  Well once again... I just want to feel big and important.  I need to stop it. 

Looking back, this is really messed up.  That wasn't my motive in any of these situations.  And even if it was, ok... Is feeling important and feeling like I matter really a bad thing? 

 

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I watched this Documentary called Raised On Porn.  It's pretty interesting, the way porn has impacted us and our society over the years.  I'm not a prude and I'm not anti-porn.  I have an XHamster account, lol.  

But back in the day, porn wasn't as accessible as it is now.   Teenage boys snuck their Mom's Victoria"s Secret catalog up to their room and kept it under their beds.  Or they got somehow got ahold of a Playboy.  And then when you were 18 you could go to the video store and rent porn movies.  But even then a lot of people didn't because it was embarrassing.  

But now, all anyone has to do is google it.  And it's free.  And whatever you want is available for free.  It used to be porn movies had a cheesy storyline.  The hot Mom and the pizza delivery boy.  The horny housewife and the plumber, etc.  Now it's straight up gonzo.  Just people doin' it.  And a couple decades ago if you wanted anything really hardcore you had to search it out and it wasn't cheap.  Now even the really violent stuff is available for free online. 

So, this is really having an impact on the way people think about sex and relationships, etc.  There are 25 year olds who have never been on a date or had a gf, but watch tons of porn.  Younger guys can't get off with a real woman because porn raises the bar and makes it harder to get turned on by the real thing. 

It's just an interesting thing to think about.  When the internet started becoming more mainstream back in the 90s these are the things no one thought about.  The evolution of the internet is an interesting topic all on its own. 

Anyway... I need to head off to work.  Tomorrow is going to be a long day.  I need to stay up when I get off work and set up for EE this weekend. 

 

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