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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


Cynder
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I can't believe the amount of unhealthy food that is readily available to me every day at a health club.  One of my co workers gave me a muffin earlier.  I'm trying to limit my carbs right now so I took it but figured I would put it in my fridge and wait to eat it.  Well, I just got home from work and was taking some stuff out of my backpack.  I forgot all about it.  But when I took it out it looked so good.  I decided I would take a bite and then ended up eating the whole thing.  I guess it's a good thing that it wasn't one of those massive muffins that is like the size of a softball.  It was like half that size.  Still though...  I shouldn't have eaten it all at once. 

The transition to the graveyard shift hasn't been hard at all.  I don't have an issue sleeping in the daylight.  I have always been a night person.  It does feel kind of weird drinking a glass of wine at 7AM though. 

I am worried that this will cause me to gain weight because it seems like some schedule changes in the past have caused this.  Also worry about my mental health.  People who work the night shift have issues with loneliness and depression usually. 

Z and I have been talking a little more lately.  We had a really good conversation the other night.  I just feel like we are so perfect together.  To not be together just doesn't feel right.  Still being this in love with her after almost 6 months might seem sweet and romantic to some, but also might seem sad and pathetic to others.  I wonder what she would think if she knew.  (Realistically though I'm sure she knows.  She's not stupid. And it's pretty obvious she's not over me, either.  I just wish this wasn't such a slow process.  It sucks being in Limbo like this. 

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4 hours ago, Cynder said:

I can't believe the amount of unhealthy food that is readily available to me every day at a health club. 

Oh my god, health clubs are the worst for that sort of stuff! Keeps people coming back, I guess! People see a snack bar in a health club and it's easy to assume that it must be healthy. But when you look at the nutritional info, the percentage of sugar is usually on par with a regular ol' candy bar.

Same goes for protein bars, actually. They've finally managed to market candy bars as healthy lol--call them 'protein bars.' And they don't even have to taste as good as candy bars because they're healthy. So go ahead and pour in the tasteless filler byproducts from the other processed foods into the protein bars.

Genius.

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3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Oh my god, health clubs are the worst for that sort of stuff! Keeps people coming back, I guess! People see a snack bar in a health club and it's easy to assume that it must be healthy. But when you look at the nutritional info, the percentage of sugar is usually on par with a regular ol' candy bar.

Same goes for protein bars, actually. They've finally managed to market candy bars as healthy lol--call them 'protein bars.' And they don't even have to taste as good as candy bars because they're healthy. So go ahead and pour in the tasteless filler byproducts from the other processed foods into the protein bars.

Genius.

Sadly a lot of the health and wellness industry plays on people's ignorance.  People think if something is marketed as healthy than it must be healthy. 

You're right, protein bars are basically candy bars that don't taste as good.  Most granola bars are terrible for people.  They are loaded with fat and sugar and carbs.  And then drinks like Gatorade, Vitamin Water, etc are nothing but sugar.  You might as well just drink soda. 

Where I work doesn't have a snack bar, fortunately.  We do have a drink cooler where we sell stuff like Muscle Milk, etc.  Muscle Milk is basically just chocolate milk.  The food that comes in there is from the members and the workers.  The other night this girl at work brought a whole pan of Lasagna and garlic bread for everyone.  There are always cookies and cupcakes in the break room.  They order Pizza all the time on evening shift.  I stay away from it most of the time.  The other night I did eat some of the lasagna, though. 

I'm trying to cut myself some slack about the muffin.  Muffin's are another example, though.  People think of them as this healthy breakfast food.  They are cupcakes.  Especially the ones they sell at places like Starbucks that are loaded with panache, chocolate chips, cream cheese, etc.  But, I was genuinely hungry when I ate it.  It's not like I ate it just for the pleasure of eating it.  I also just came off a shift where I worked my ass off detailing and cleaning. 

Last night I cleaned all the dumbell racks.  Which meant I had to lift up all the dumbells to clean under them.  That was a workout in itself.  But I didn't lift any of them that were over 50 lbs.  I just cleaned underneath them the best I could.  The big weights don't get as much use so they don't get as dirty.  My rationale for this was funny though, and even I will admit it.  I wouldn't lift the bigger ones because I don't feel comfortable doing that until I get some reinforced shoes.  I was just wearing Nikes last night.  Noe toe protection at all.  I have a fear of dropping things on my foot ever since a brick fell on my foot when I was younger.  But as I was doing this I remember thinking... so, a 50 lb hunk of metal is somehow safer than an 80 lb hunk of metal?  Either one of them would destroy my foot.  A 10 lb dumbell could break my foot if it hit just right.  But still... until I get my work shoes I won't move the big weights to clean under them.  The rack can still be cleaned, it's just more difficult when they are on it. 

But this morning my whole upper body hurts from doing that. 

K is coming over tonight.  Can't wait to hang out with my K Monster.  And I'm off the next three days. 

 

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Today is my day off and I'm just being lazy... at least for a few.  The song that I linked at the end of my last entry, Prison Sex, That song keeps coming up on Youtube a lot lately. 

Tool is one of my favorite bands ever of all time.  Them and Pink Floyd are the only two bands I like enough to have permanently inked on my body.  And there's also a family association, too.  My brother and my sister and I go every time they come around here.  I don't even know how many times I've seen them in concert.  I lost count after 5ish and that was like  years ago. 

But it's odd.  That song kinda flew under my radar for years.  It was one of their songs that I never really paid much attention to lyrically.  It never really registered with me until I was working on a short story with a rape scene.  When I'm about to write certain scenes I mentally prepare myself with music.  There are certain songs I listen to when writing sex scenes,  and fight scenes, etc.  I actually hate writing sex scenes, just a side note, lol. 

But I actually made this youtube loop of songs about rape just to listen to when I was gearing up to write this scene.  I felt weird looking that up.  And it's surprising how many there are. 

The way that scene was received was interesting.  It's a female on make rape, for one, which you don't really see a lot of in fiction.  Society still seems to think men can't be raped by women.  It's sadly a lot more common than people realize.  And when I posted that story on Reddit there was some discussion about that scene where people couldn't figure out why the male character was considering going to the cops afterwords.  People were saying stuff like, "Why does he want to go to the cops?  Nothing illegal happened."  "It seems like he's just being dramatic."  And just to add, it's also a woman in her 30s and the victim is 16. 

Omg... could you imagine the outrage if it was a man in his 30s and a 16 year old girl?  People on Reddit would probably threaten to dox me and think I'm a monster just for writing a scene like that.  It really says a lot about the gender bias in our society. 

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I can't believe it was on this day years ago that I met you.  I almost got through the day without realizing this until I looked at my damn Facebook memories.  I normally don't even look at them, but today I just did on Impulse. 

Who would have thought when Sarah introduced you to me (at the time you were her girlfriend) that you would make me happier than anyone has ever made me, but also sadder than I've ever been.  There are so many things I want to say to you.  You make me feel emotions that I can't describe.  I've never met anyone like you.  You told me all the times before me, you thought you were in love.  But I was the first person who really made you feel love.  I still don't understand how you could just throw me away like you did.  You wrote that long letter to your dad about how he threw you away.  And then you threw me away. 

And despite all this, I still love you.  I don't understand why the Universe had to be so cruel.  It would be one thing if you left because we weren't happy.  If I cheated on you... or lied to you, or treated you bad.  But there was none of that.  On Monday we were talking about our wedding.  You were cooking chicken on the griddle in the kitchen, and you threw your arms around me when I walked in to get a drink of water.  You told me how much you love me and how you can't wait to make me your wife.  Then you left on Wednesday. 

You remember that $80 bottle of Cadeuceus I bought when I got my bonus at work?  We didn't open it because we both decided to save it for when we officially got engaged.  It's still sitting in the fridge.  I thought about drinking the whole thing in one sitting back when I was really depressed.  But I just can't bring myself to open it. 

I don't understand why I had someone who was absolutely right for me, finally after all these years, and then this had to happen. There are days when I'm really angry, but not at you because I know it wasn't your fault.  There is no one to blame. 

Maybe I shouldn't hope.  I don't know.  The hope of being with you again keeps me going on some days.  The painting that I did of you and I as angels is still hanging in the upstairs hallway.  The other paintings I did of you are still here.  I can't sell them.  Everyone tells me I should.  But I can't. 

And tolday when I see you online I'll message you about the W2 form.  I wonder if you also know today is the day we met years ago.  You always thought it was funny and quirky that I remember all this stuff.  Sometimes I wish I didn't. 

I remember the exact moment I fell in love with you.  It was in the middle of the night on a Tuesday.  It was around 3AM.  I got up to go to the bathroom, and you were standing in the doorway of your bedroom, in a beautiful black dress.  You looked so stunning.  You told me you were trying it on to see if it still fit.  When I came out of the bathroom you asked me to come in your room.  When I did you touched my face and asked if you could kiss me.  It wasn't our first kiss, but it was that kiss that did it. 

I also remember when I came home from that day long road trip I took with Derek and Mike.  I came upstairs at almost 4AM and you were standing there in that purple dress with the full length mirror.  You were like, "Yea, I'm just trying this on.  I just got it."  I was so exhausted I told you it looked nice and then went in my room and passed out.  You told me months later that you had been in that dress for hours just waiting for me to come home because you wanted me to see you in it.  Things like that made me fall so hard for you. 

I am thankful that you are in my life.  Even if now we are not together.  I think the universe split us up so we could be better people, and hopefully better for each other.  You used to tell me all the time that we were together in past lives.  You used to say we were each other's "one."  I still think we are that.  I hope you still do too and you are just waiting until you feel comfortable enough with yourself.  I can't see myself with anyone else. 

Everything happens for a reason.  The universe is like a giant puzzle and everything fits where it's supposed to fit.  There is a reason for all of this even if it doesn't make sense right now.  This is something I learned in August of 2016 when I came so close to dying.  I hope one day there is some cosmic reward for all of this suffering, for both of us. 

I love you. 

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So, tomorrow I will be face to face with my ex for the first time since early August.  I'm just dropping her tax form off at work.  But still, this is scary for me.  Not sure if I will be able to not be emotional when I see her.  And then I keep having these thoughts of me getting there and her being on break, etc. I'm just going to try to keep it as simple as possible. 

 

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So, Z was worried that I was dating someone else and that's why I didn't want her coming to my house.  Seems a little odd that she was worried about that.  Wonder if she let something slip that she didn't mean to or if she's trying to hint around at something. 

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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

Like what?

Well if she's worried about me dating other people then she might still have feelings for me.  Idk...  seems like if she was over me that wouldn't matter to her. 

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Is it possible that she might just be looking to get laid? It happens sometimes. You read about it here every once in a while: Everything seems to be going well, then one partner starts acting totally selfishly, destroying the relationship in the process. Meanwhile, the other partner is left dazed and confused, trying desperately to put things back together. And the first partner is just fine with that--new status quo. I hope that's not the case.

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35 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Is it possible that she might just be looking to get laid? It happens sometimes. You read about it here every once in a while: Everything seems to be going well, then one partner starts acting totally selfishly, destroying the relationship in the process. Meanwhile, the other partner is left dazed and confused, trying desperately to put things back together. And the first partner is just fine with that--new status quo. I hope that's not the case.

Well, that's possible too.  I'm trying to stay guarded in this situation.  She has a way about her and she knows she does.  I don't trust her. 

Edited by Cynder
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So... there has been a pretty major development in this whole situation...  Unfortunately I just came off working overnight and I really need to get to bed.  I will write about it later. 

I will say that tonight at around 3AM she (my ex) just decided to lay everything out on the table and tell me some things that really surprised me. 

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She has told me multiple times now that she understands what I went through when she left.  I wrote this this morning and it took a lot of willpower not to send it to her.  This is the edited version.  I didn't bother editing out the cuss words.  I edited out stuff that is more detailed and too personal to share on such a public platform.  So this is the watered down version.   There is no way she could possibly understand.  I'm not sending it because I know she already hates herself.  I don't need to rub salt in the wound.  I won't lie though... part of me wants to.  We all have a mean sadist inside us somewhere even if we don't admit it.  Part of me wants her to read this and cry and cry and cry and feel the same level of worthlessness I felt every day for months.  I've spent time listening to her talk about her feelings since we started talking again.  She keeps saying one day we are going to really talk about things.  Ok... I know I shouldn't but I'm feeling a little impatient.  Like when do I get to tell you how I feel? 

... 

Ok, I just want you to imagine being with someone who is everything you’ve ever wanted.  And this person wants you too.  And your love is awesome.  And you are the happiest you’ve ever been in your life.  And you’re planning on marrying them and you can see this awesome future and you are looking forward to growing old with them.  Then one day they suddenly leave and end it via text message.  And then four days later you lose your job.  And you just try to get them to talk to you because you want to understand.  And they block you.  And through all this you can’t keep food down and are just randomly puking throughout the day because of being in such a bad mental state.  And then one of your pets dies.  And this person was attached to that pet too.  So you text them and tell them because you think they have a right to know.  And instead of getting any kind of sympathy… you get told you’re such a disappointment.  And then in the midst of all of this, you find some weird lump on your body that’s not supposed to be there and could be cancer.  And guess what, you have no medical insurance.  And now you’re unemployed and the person living in your house also has stopped paying you any rent and they are living in your house for free.  And then a friend you've known for 15 years won’t stop coming to you on practically a daily basis to tell you everything your ex is up to and you beg them to stop.  You even call them up crying hoping that if they hear your voice they will actually get it, and instead you get berated for interrupting them.  Then over the next few days, they send you lots of messages telling you to eat ***, go kill yourself, etc.  And so you have to end your friendship with them.  And imagine that you are an artist.  And your art comes from joy, not sadness.  And now you are so ***ed up in the head and depressed that you have no interest in even doing art anymore.  And then for a long time after, you just go to sleep every night hoping to never wake up.  Imagine checking into a hotel one night and seriously considering never checking out in the morning.  And wondering “If I die tonight would anyone even care?” And every day you wish you were dead because you feel like nothing but a ***up and you feel like you have nothing to offer the world.  And whenever you try to talk to anyone all you get are stupid ass cliches like, “Well what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”  I just want you to think about that.  What it would be like.  I know not everything that happened here is something you did.  You threw me away like garbage.  So when you say you understand what I went through, you don’t.  And I hope you never do because I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  But through all this, I realized I’m a lot stronger than I think and my capacity for pain and forgiveness is pretty fierce.  I still think it all had to happen.  I know we are going to have our big conversation one day.  But this is something I needed to say now.  

...

To whoever reads this, please comment.  It doesn't have to be anything special.  I just have a need to know that someone actually read it. 

How appropriate this song came on when I was writing this... Where the hell is my Stairway?

 

Edited by Cynder
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8 hours ago, Cynder said:

We all have a mean sadist inside us somewhere even if we don't admit it.  Part of me wants her to read this and cry and cry and cry and feel the same level of worthlessness I felt every day for months.

Is it sadism, or is it a natural desire to want evidence that your feelings are (and were) actually reciprocated?

8 hours ago, Cynder said:

I've spent time listening to her talk about her feelings since we started talking again.  She keeps saying one day we are going to really talk about things.  Ok... I know I shouldn't but I'm feeling a little impatient.  Like when do I get to tell you how I feel?

I don't see why you shouldn't feel impatient. How long is it fair to expect you to wait? How long is it fair to expect you to put your life on hold? Seven months? A year? Two years? Indefinitely? Your part in this relationship was relevant, was it not? It wasn't only a relationship about Z. You had some part in it....right? 

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2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Is it sadism, or is it a natural desire to want evidence that your feelings are (and were) actually reciprocated?

I don't see why you shouldn't feel impatient. How long is it fair to expect you to wait? How long is it fair to expect you to put your life on hold? Seven months? A year? Two years? Indefinitely? Your part in this relationship was relevant, was it not? It wasn't only a relationship about Z. You had some part in it....right? 

It's probably a little bit of both, to be honest.  Pretty much everyone who has ever hurt me really bad has felt awful about it later.  I just don't understand why people don't think before they hurt others. 

Yea... she keeps talking about how one day we're going to have this conversation about us.  She says it hasn't happened yet because she still has some work to do on herself.  That's all good and everything.  But I guess I'm just supposed to sit here and twiddle my thumbs and wait around.  The other night she kept saying she didn't want to talk about that stuff when I started talking about "that stuff."  But then she continued to talk about "that stuff."

She does run her mouth a lot when she drinks, though.  And she is brutally honest when she drinks.  A few drinks in and she's so in love and she always will be and I'm so amazing and she's so happy that I think we have something worth fighting for and there's so much she wants to tell me when we have that conversation we're going to have.  Then the next day when she's sober she wants to be friends and she deleted the whole conversation because it was triggering for her.  I get it.  She has OCD too. 

Of course my part was relevant.  Part of her problem is she thinks everyone owes her something.  I know what I'm about tow rite will come off really nasty if taken out of context.  But ok... I know a lot of trans people.  For someone who lives in a small midwestern town, I know a lot of them.  Most of them I know from the festival scene.  And one thing I see in the trans community (and other communities, too.  Right now I just happen to be talking about the trans community) is that a lot of trans people feel like society owes them something.  Not all of them.  But there are a lot of them who seem to think that because it's hard to live the life they are living, that everyone should just bow down and kiss their asses.  The disabled community is the same way.  A lot of disabled people think they are owed something by society.  And I am saying this as a disabled person.  (I'm legally blind in both eyes.)   And I'm not saying all trans people or disabled people are like this.  But some of them are and I've seen a lot of it. 

Z has this complex.  She's not as bad as some I've met.  But she seems to think everyone owes her something.  Oh I'm trans.  It's really hard being me.  So everyone just needs to kiss my ass and treat me better than they would treat anyone else because I live a hard life.  Like, she presents as male 95% of the time.  She goes out in public with a full beard, wearing men's clothes, using her male voice, etc.  But then is really upset when someone calls her Sir or refers to her as he.  She just expects people to know by osmosis that she is female.  Then she complains about being so misunderstood.  Ok... it's not that people don't understand.  It's that when people see someone who looks, talks, and dresses like a man, they generally will think that's a man.  If you see a fish swimming in the water are you going to be like, "Wow, is that a fish or is it a cow?  Maybe it's a lion, or a penguin, or a Bluejay.  I dunno, it looks like a fish but it might be something else.  We don't want to hurt its feelings." 

She only took her hormones about 50% of the time.  She would take them for a while, and notice changes, her boobs would start to grow, etc.  Then she would stop taking them.  And then complain that she stopped seeing changes.  And she expects everyone to feel bad for her and tell her how awesome she is.  But if she would just take her hormones like she's supposed to, then she wouldn't stop seeing changes. 

Idk...  I'm rambling.  She thinks the world owes her.  And she thinks I owe her.  Ok... what about my feelings? 

Tonight around 1AM she messaged me to apologize for not messaging me.  I'm serious.  It's not like I asked her to message me and she didn't.  I didn't ask for a message and wasn't expecting a message.  Then I get this message from her and she's sorry for not messaging me.  I messaged her back and said "No worries.  I'm cleaning tanning beds.  Good times!"  (I absolutely hate cleaning the damn tanning beds, just for clarity.  So far that's the only thing I really don't like about my job.)  She messaged and told me she's feeling antisocial.  Ok...? 

 

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On 2/1/2022 at 6:29 AM, Cynder said:

She goes out in public with a full beard, wearing men's clothes, using her male voice, etc.  But then is really upset when someone calls her Sir or refers to her as he.  She just expects people to know by osmosis that she is female.  Then she complains about being so misunderstood.  Ok... it's not that people don't understand.  It's that when people see someone who looks, talks, and dresses like a man, they generally will think that's a man.

You probably already know this, but this quoted excerpt is a great example of narcissism.  

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On 2/1/2022 at 6:29 AM, Cynder said:

She only took her hormones about 50% of the time.  She would take them for a while, and notice changes, her boobs would start to grow, etc.  Then she would stop taking them.  And then complain that she stopped seeing changes.  And she expects everyone to feel bad for her and tell her how awesome she is.  But if she would just take her hormones like she's supposed to, then she wouldn't stop seeing changes.

There's a lot going on there mentally.  At some level, "she," doesn't want to see those changes, but again, I'm sure you already know that. 😉 

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10 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

You probably already know this, but this quoted excerpt is a great example of narcissism.  

Well (once again this is something that's going to make me sound like an awful person I'm sure) personality disorders are common in the trans community.  Especially NPD and BPD.  There have been studies that show this.  And yes I know there are plenty of Cis people with personality disorders.  I remember reading about one study where they took (I think it was 2k) trans people and 2k cis people and did psychological profiles on them.  And there was a much higher percentage of narcissists and borderlines in the trans group than the cis group. 

And then there is also this idea that trans people are just above reproach in our society.  And this just fuels the Narcissism and makes it worse for some of them.  Like, in some cases a trans person can treat others really bad... but then if anyone says anything about it they are labeled a transphobe and made to feel like a monster.  I know because this has happened to me. 

I am a part of a few online groups for partners of trans people.  And in some of those groups, pretty much the only thing you are allowed to say is basically, "My trands partner is so awesome and courageous.  I'm just so proud of them and they are so perfect in every way!  I'm so lucky!!!" otherwise you get banned.  I've never been banned from any group like this, but I've seen others get banned just for questioning their trans partner's motives/behavior, etc. 

I know after she left I posted in some of those groups about how hurt I was, and I was basically told to suck it up because she has every right to live her life and be true to herself.  Yes she does, but that doesn't make the fact that someone I love just left me out of nowhere any easier. 

There were a lot of experiences I had with her where she would be really upset about something that I did... and while I could see it from her side, I just could never help.  Like, I have a box of hair bolor that was sitting on the back of the toilet in the bathroom.  It was a big box of like 10 tubes of different rainbow colors.  And on the front of it was this really beautiful girl with multicolored hair.  She got upset about that because just seeing a pretty girl triggered her.  So then she's upset and I try to comfort her and I'm told "You just don't understand what I am going through!"  I try to tell her ok no, I don't understand what it's like to have gender dysphoria.  But I do understand what it's like to hate how you look and hate your body.  Then it's "How dare you pretend to understand!"  "How dare you make that comparison!"  Yes, this is a dramatization.  She was never this dramatic about it.  But this kind of stuff did happen.  She could get really upset and cry about stuff like this and then it was like any attempt to make it better ,made it worse.  And any attempt to relate to her was seen as patronizing. 

Not being able to have kids was something that really bothered her, too.  The fact that she couldn't physically carry and give birth to a child...  Like, there was no saying we could adopt because it's not the same to her.  And when I tried to relate by saying there are things I've wanted to do in my life that I can't do because of my disability, well, thatch so insulting because it's just not even a comparison. 

But see... I can't openly say that any of this frustrates me.  Because then I hate trans people.  The only reason I'm saying it here is because I'm completely anonymous here.  I posted about some of this stuff on a trans partners group on Facebook and was basically lambasted.  I had people threatening to go through ,my friends list and contact people to warn them about me being so transphobic.  I deleted the thread but then someone else had taken screenshots and started a whole new thread just to talk crap about me.  And this is on Facebook so right there is my real name and my picture. 

People don't seem to understand that marginalized groups of people can still be a*sholes.  Every group of people has it's good ones and it's bad ones.  And I'm definitely not saying my ex is a bad person.  She's not.  But she does have some narcissistic tendencies and she shows a lot of the traits of Borderline Personality Disorder.  My therapist has even commented that my ex sounds like someone with BPD just based on the stories I've told about her in therapy. 

Interestingly enough... while I was writing this post she messaged me a few times and then called.  We were on the phone for about an hour just talking about random stuff.  We are supposed to get a big snowstorm here the next few days.  She was saying maybe after the weather clears up we should go up to this one store we used to go to a lot and then go to this one restaurant we used to go to together.  And I got off the phone with her and she's still messaging.  Idk... not sure if this will ever actually happen.  But it;s interesting that she's asking me. 

 

 

 

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Ok well... after tonight I really am starting to wonder if Z actually is as big a nutcase as people have tried to tell me she is in the past.  I still am trying to figure out what the hell happened earlier. 

Yes I hurt my back at work.  I'm on prescription muscle relaxers.  So I'm a bit off right now.  But I still can't figure out what the hell she got so pissed off about. 

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2 hours ago, Cynder said:

People don't seem to understand that marginalized groups of people can still be a*sholes.

It does seem that way sometimes. But I think plenty of people are aware that marginalized people can be a*sholes. They just don't vocalize that observation--like you--for fear of being lambasted. The ones who do say something are branded--blanketed, really--by the sanctimonious with some unfair epithets. Just like it is with Covid right now lol. 

Persecution and public humiliation are nothing new. They are part of the human condition. They travel with us through time like a bad case of fleas. Just when we think we've all learned our lesson about how bad they are, they pop up again in a new form. And they always masquerade as right or righteous. I'm not a religious person by any means, but I sometimes wonder if that's The Devil.

In some ways things have improved. For example, hundreds of years ago, they'd chain you up in a public square and let people throw rotten food (and sometimes rocks) at you!! Sometimes they'd dismember or disembowel you and/or burn you at the stake. And sometimes even after you were dead, they'd mount your head and limbs on a spike for all to see--postmortem public humiliation lol!

So, in some ways we've improved.... but that hateful, violent tendency is always in us, happy to slip back out in the name of good: Jim Crow, the Holocaust, etc. As Maya Angelou said, "I am capable of what every other human is capable of. This is one of the great lessons of war and love." 

4 hours ago, Cynder said:

in some cases a trans person can treat others really bad... but then if anyone says anything about it they are labeled a transphobe and made to feel like a monster.

I caught a glimpse of this problem a couple of years ago. I'll post about it later.

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On the whole trans people having worse mental health (in general), it makes sense when you think about it 😞  I remember in my university studies, we studied and literally saw the differences in a transgendered person's brain after death, sliced apart so that we could see into it the differences.  And it was remarkable that a male trans person identifying as female, really did have a more feminine brain where the amygdala did look a lot more like a regular woman's amygdala, than a typical man's.  But each one is different, so some have a, "middle," kind of structural description of both male/female, and not necessarily more male.  It's so complicated because it's individual people we're talking about.  

So biologically, they're brains operate differently... and even then, it can be differently than each other (some more male-oritented thinking and some actually more feminine-oriented). 

Then if you look at studies showing how emotions are all tied up in the amygdala... rage responses even... it makes sense that they would have more emotional responses to things, and show their emotions more like women tend to (possibly).  

Here's what Google had to say about what the amygdala regulates... then try to imagine someone doing those things with a more feminine-structured amygdala and it kind of makes sense how hard it'd be. 

Quote

The main job of the amygdala is to regulate emotions, such as fear and aggression.

The amygdala is also involved in tying emotional meaning to our memories. reward processing, and decision-making. [Emphasis mine]

 

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2 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

then try to imagine someone doing those things with a more feminine-structured amygdala and it kind of makes sense how hard it'd be. 

What things are difficult with a 'feminine' amygdala?

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Sitting here painting and watching Donnie Darko.  I'll tell you... there are days when I wish a jet engine would just fall on my house when I'm the only one home. 

It hurts so much walking away from you. 

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About an hour ago....,

Her: I'm really sorry about the other night.  I re read everything today.  I was high and took it the wrong way.

Me: Yea, no kidding.

Her: I'm also sorry I hurt you by giving the painting away.  I thought about not telling you because I know you painted it just for me."

Her: Hey, I'm trying to apologize here.  But if you're that pissed.

Me: What did you mean when you asked me what I did to the painting?

Her:  Bye.  I'm done with this crap.

Blocked. 

Ok... who the hell is she so angry at that she's taking it all out on me.  I didn't do ANYTHING.  I thought we were going to talk things out.  Well, I wanted to put distance between us.  Maybe it's a good thing she blocked me. 

 

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