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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


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On 10/2/2011 at 9:48 PM, Cynder said:

Things around here have been pretty interesting this weekend...

Adam and I got into a huge fight today that started out about the trash and ended up about everything else. It started out because apparently we have different ideas of what a "full" trash can is. He was pissed that I didn't empty the trash, but to me it didn't seem full enough to empty yet. Things like this have been an ongoing problem all through our relationship. Mundane things like cooking and cleaning are not fun for us. He is really picky... he expects everything done a certain way and I better do it that way or I get in trouble. To me, it doesn't matter how it gets done as long as it gets done. In otherwords, the direction that I sweep the kitchen floor has nothing to do with how clean it is once its swept. He insists it be swept left to right.

So... as expected, I get tired of being criticized every time I clean... so I don't clean as much. I figure, if I can't do it right, let him do it. Then he gets mad at me for not cleaning more.

He empties the trash when it's at a certain level... I empty it when I think it needs emptied.

So it started about the trash... but ended up being a huge blowout. I told him a lot of things. I told him I've been looking for an apartment. I told him the way he acted the morning I left was just too much for me and I've basically had it. He asked me if I even still want to stay married and I said I honestly don't know anymore. I told him I've never been good enough for him and after 8 years I've just had enough. I've never made enough money, I've never been a good enough housekeeper, I've never been pretty enough, smart enough, cool enough, talented enough... anything enough.

He told me if we split up he will never recover. I don't think that's the case...

Fore me... I don't think of it as recovering... I won't ever be the same again. But that doesn't have to be a negative.

Once I set my mind to something I refuse to be stopped. He has a real problem with this. He is still upset that I went to Europe... today he says it was because "not everyone is lucky enough to be able to do stuff like that." and "We have other things to take care of here in the US." whatever that means...

He is also pissed off about my Documentary. His films are more important I guess... even though he hasn't gotten off his ass and done anything with them in over a year. I guess that should all be on me.

He complained that whenever things get really bad I am just ready to pack up my stuff and leave. Yes, I was ready to leave when he was physically abusive... Yes, I was ready to leave when he was cheating... and yes, I am ready to leave now. He said this is really hurtful and at least in all the years we've been together he's never threatened to leave. When I am putting the process in motion to leave, I don't even think of it as a threat, I think of it as myself getting out of a bad situation.

So I decided today when I was waiting on the cab to pick me up to go to the gym, that I was just going to click on some random page in this thread and read whatever I scrolled down to.  This is an old thread that documents the last ten years of my life pretty well.  What is quote above is what I read.  Just over ten years ago I wrote that.  And reading it today made me cry pretty hard. 

What got me was "He told me if we split up he will never recover."  Because I forgot that he ever said that.  And now here I am wondering if he ever really did and if I had anything to do with his suicide.  And also I am sitting here thinking I will never recover if Z and I are permanently done.  Is this my payback for leaving him? 

But, I also need to forgive myself a little.  Look what else is written there?  Nothing I did was good enough.  He screwed around.  He beat me up.  He lied about me to people and blamed me for everything that went wrong in his life.  But I wasn't an angel either.  We both had some serious anger issues.  We got married too young and I really think we were a lot better as friends. 

And, after we split up, he went through a huge transformation.  He started going to therapy.  He took anger management classes.  He started taking meds.  I also know that the relationships he had after me were full of drama and he was abusive to those women as well.  It wasn't until the last few years he was alive that he really started figuring himself out. And there was that one night when I pocket dialed him and we ended up talking on the phone for like two hours.  We just talked about all the things that have changed since we were together, mutual friends, etc.  But we talked about ourselves too and we apologized to each other for all the BS we put each other through.  I was getting ready to go down south for a few more Ayahuasca ceremonies.  He wanted to do it.  I gave him all the info, told him who to talk to, etc.  Two weeks later he was dead.  I still wonder if he would have done it if he would still be alive.  But, he also might have been one of those people who do it, and can't handle what they've learned, and kill themselves right after.  That happens sometimes. 

But... I am still not 100% convinced his death was suicide either, so there's that.  I think it was an accident that his family covered up.  There was just so much that didn't add up.  There were things in his obituary (that his mom wrote) that didn't make any sense.  Plus, I probably knew him better than anyone.  I was at his house three days before that and he didn't act like someone about to take their life.  I know people can hide it well.  But I was with him for ten years.  He didn't seem upset about anything.  He had just started dating someone, etc.  I just don't buy it. 

I've been on a My Dying Bride kick today...  The singer and I have the same birthday.  He's considerably older than I am, but it's still cool. 


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So, it was something my therapist said that made me want to write this.  She actually said I should write something venting my frustrations at my ex, D.  And I will do that at some point today, because I told her I would do it before my next appt, which is tomorrow.  But right now, I really feel driven to write something about how frustrated I would get at times with Z.  This side of her only came out once in a while...  but when it did it was never fun for anyone.  There were times when she could just be ridiculously obnoxious.  And usually she was drunk.  And whenever I tried to talk to her about it when she was sober her answer was always, "Well I was just being goofy."  Some of the stuff she did took it way beyond just being goofy in my opinion. 

She would do this thing where she would lie about something that was happening or just happened a second or two ago, and just keep persisting all in the name of humor.  Like one time she was quoting Monty Python, "We are the Knights who say Nee."  And she kept wanting me to finish it by saying the word Nee.  So she would say the first part, and I would say Nee, and then she would start acting all pissed off and being like, "Why can't you do it right?  You keep saying Nay, it's NEE!"  So she would do it again.  I would say Nee and she would go off and accuse me of saying Nay.  After like three times I was over it.  I told her "I didn't say Nay, I said Nee."  Her response, "No you didn't, don't sit there and lie."  And she's sitting here getting all huffy over a freakin' movie quote and saying I'm messing it up.  I mean, she was acting really angry.  She had this pissed off look on her face and everything.  Then after insisting I said the wrong word a few more times, she finally just cracks up laughing hysterically and says, "I'm just messing with you!"  Ok, I can handle a little of that.  Once or twice, fine.  But to keep it going for 5 minutes and act like you're getting really angry at me, idk... where is the humor in that.  There were multiple people present when she did this and no one thought it was funny. 

There was another time I was showing a friend of mine something on my phone.  And my storage space was running low, so like every two seconds a window would pop up on my phone to tell me it was low.  So as I was trying to show my friend this picture, it did that, and I said, "Stop telling me my storage space is low, I know."  Then Z, who was standing right next to me, gets right in my face and starts saying "YOUR STORAGE SPACE IS LOW YOUR STORAGE SPACE IS LOW YOUR STORAGE SPACE IS LOW!"  And she just kept getting closer and closer and saying it louder and louder until she had me backed up against the porch rail and was literally screaming it two inches from my face.  Idk... girlfriend or not, I don't like having someone inches away from my face screaming at the top of their lungs.  After asking her to stop multiple times I finally yelled for her to stop and she did.  Once again, no one present thought that was funny. 

One time we had a bonfire here and I had my Bluetooth speaker outside.  It was set to playlist radio on Spotify.  So it was just playing random stuff.  Well, the song Under Pressure came on.  Idk who reading this knows that song and also knows the song Ice Ice Baby, but the bassline for both songs is pretty much identical and when they start playing it's hard to tell the difference.  So Under Pressure starts playing, and once she realized it was Under Pressure, she turns to me and starts giving me crap about it.  She was saying stuff like, "Queen... really?  I thought you were better than that."  "I would have had a lot more respect for you if this was Ice Ice Baby.  I thought you were cool."  I told her I'm not picking what it's playing an algorithm is.  And she starts talking about how she was all excited thinking she was going to hear Ice Ice Baby.  So I picked up my phone, stopped Under Pressure, and put on Ice Ice Baby.  And she starts saying all the same stuff now but in reverse.  She really wanted to hear Under Pressure.  Wow, she thought I was cool when Under Pressure came on.  She can't believe I'm playing Ice Ice baby.  That's so lame.  I just got up and went inside to cool down for a few.  I was so pissed at her.  Once again, no one there thought she was being funny. 

But once again... "Oh I was just being goofy.  I'm a goofball when I drink." 

Thankfully this stuff only happened a few times.  If she would have acted like this all the time our relationship would have been really short lived, if it even happened at all.  I really wonder how she would have handled any of these situations if roles were reversed. 

And the sad part is, because of how I was raised, I still don't know for sure if it wasn't me who was int he wrong.  Like, maybe I am just too sensitive.  Maybe I need to relax a little and lighten up.  I was raised thinking bad treatment is fine. 

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Posted (edited)
12 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

All that is severe gaslighting behaviour drunk or not . 

Oh I know.  Even if her intentions were to just be funny...  It's not funny.  I don't like my head being messed with like that, and I don't know of anyone who would enjoy it.  When she would do this no one laughed.  Idk...  I had friends tell me in private how annoying she could be when she drank.  I even told her toward the end of our relationship that she was not fun to be around when she was drunk.  She didn't like hearing that, but it was true.  Someone had to tell her.  Now she is working on herself, hopefully she's working on either being more self aware when drinking or drinking less. 

My other ex, D, was the king of gaslighters.  And he did it while sober and he was a lot more subtle about it.  When I ended that relationship I seriously was starting to think I was crazy and out of touch with reality.  And there was one time when he did something similar to what Z did in my last post, but when he did it his Mom was present and she acted like nothing was wrong, so that really had me questioning what was actually happening.  At least in the instances above with Z, other people were there validating my side of it.  

Edited by Cynder
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52 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Your therapist asked you to write something about your frustrations with D. Have you considered bringing this dynamic with Z into the discussion as a footnote?

Yea, I will for sure.  I think the issue I'm having writing about D is whenever I try I feel so overwhelmed.  There were just so many layers of messed up in that relationship.  And I'm sure some people reading this are wondering why I stayed if he was that bad.  Well, he wasn't in the beginning.  And by the time he started showing his true colors, by then I was traveling around with him working the festival circuit and I felt trapped. 

He was the kind of person most people would look for when looking for a partner.  He had a lot of the qualities people seek out, whether they admit it or not.  I was single, just breaking onto the festival scene.  He came along and took me under his wing in a sense.  He helped me improve a lot of things about my business, etc.  My booth started looking a lot better when I started dating him because he showed me all these tricks.  And then there was also the fact that he was really nice and warm and friendly.  He was also funny and intelligent.  He had two college degrees.  And he was drop dead gorgeous.  I mean... he could have been an extra on Vikings.  Long strawberry blond wavy hair, handsome face, blue eyes, nice, toned body.  And his family was really nice and they are wealthy.  So I'm sitting here thinking I won the dating lottery.  This smart, funny, nice, hot, rich guy wants me...?  Really?  I've made a mental note... if I ever capture the interest of anyone again and think this way, it's an immediate red flag.  Because I thought that about Z in the beginning too.  I remember thinking Wow... this insanely talented, smart, funny, gorgeous woman with an amazing personality wants me?  This doesn't make sense.  I remember thinking that they both could have anyone they want.  Why me?  I'm a solid 4 on my best day and I'm an introvert.

And in the beginning D used to tell me all the time that he just was so taken with my energy and my creativity.  He said he felt really drawn to me.  He loved that I had bought my own house, and was running a business while working full time, etc. 

And in the beginning, he gave me gifts all the time.  This was new for me.  No one I've ever dated has been big on gift giving.  There were times when I came home from work and there would be a dozen roses  just waiting for me.  He knew I liked a certain brand of paintbrushes that is hard to find around here.  One time I came home from work and all these paintbrushes were on my table with some flowers and a bottle of Kombucha. 

We would have "Art Dates."  Where we would order takeout, listen to music, drink wine and work on our art all day.  

And he was so affectionate.  Affection is a big thing for me.  He was always wanting to hold hands, hug, kiss, cuddle, etc.  We would go to sleep in my bed and he would just hold me all night long.  We didn't have sex until about 5 months in.  But we slept in bed a lot together because he would spend the night here. 

About a year in, this all ended.  It was gradual.  He didn't just turn into an ass over night. 

And see now, it's getting hard to write about because I'm feeling overwhelmed.  It's easy to write about all the things I liked about him in the beginning. 

One thing is though...  Yea a few posts back I wrote about the times when Z acted really toxic.  When I would talk to her about it the next day or whenever, she would always acknowledge that it happened and that she went too far.  It was usually, "Well I was drunk and being goofy."  But then she always apologized and told me she just took things too far.  Whenever D treated me bad, there was no real discussing about it afterwords because he would either shut me down or say it never happened.  It was either, "I don't want to hear it, shut up."  Or "That never happened.  You're just making up stories to start drama.  Shut up."  Either way I would get told to shut up.  But a lot of times he also swore that whatever I was upset about never happened.  

There was one time him and I and some of our employees were all getting ready to leave for a festival in Detroit.  It was like 4AM and we were all at his house getting ready to hook up the trailer to his car.  I went upstairs to grab something and he threw a fit and started yelling at me to not make so much noise because I would wake up his mom.  Well, his yelling woke her up.  She came out of her room and was pissed.  So then he starts going off on me, in front of my employee and his two employees.  I said "You yelling is what woke her up, not me."   He threatened to take all my stuff out of the trailer and leave me behind and then he starts telling everyone, "See what I have to put up with.  She pulls this crap all the time and wonders why I can't stand to be around her."  Then we stopped at Starbucks and he made a big show out of telling everyone that he's "making" me buy his Macha Latte because of the scene I caused that morning before we left. 

The gifts he used to give so freely now came with a price.  He bought me a small painting I like at one festival we went to.  I thanked him and hugged him and told him how much I love it.  Then he informed me that because he bought it for me I'm buying dinner for him and his two staff members that night after we leave.  Then he encouraged his two staff members to get whatever they wanted, appetizers desert, alcohol, etc, because I'm paying.  He's like, "I bought her that damn painting she wanted so bad, now she can do something for me."  I never asked him to buy it for me.  I was planning on buying it myself.  And the amount of money I spent at dinner was way more than the painting. 

And then after I dumped him, a lot of his former employees reached out to me to tell me they always hated how he treated me.  I was appreciative of it.  But at the same time I remember thinking Why couldn't you have said something then?  I understand not wanting to piss him off.  But they could have texted me then and told me.  Because since so many people just looked the other way when all this stuff was going on, here I was thinking everything was fine and I was the problem. 

Yea... I couldn't believe how many messages I got from people who worked for him, other vendors, etc after we split up.  All these people were so glad I got away from him.  When things ended with Z and I, that didn't happen.  Most people were just shocked.  I just kept hearing over and over again, "But you guys were so happy!" 

Imagine traveling around with someone who makes you feel like absolute scum every day...

I know he got some karma handed to him though.  Several show organizers have blacklisted him.  And the girl he got with immediately after me (A former friend of mine, actually) really took him for a ride from what I hear. 

Now after writing this I feel so drained and exhausted.  I think I will just read this tomorrow at my appt.  I wrote a letter to Z and burned it the day after Christmas... maybe I should burn one to D also.  I released a lot of my anger toward him during a private Ayahuasca ceremony.  It was a private ceremony because I didn't want to subject some poor strangers to the stuff that was going to come out of me.  I knew it was going to be like an exorcism... and it was.  The Shaman got an earful that night, lol...


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It seems that Z is definitely a step of from D in terms of admission. But there is still a troubling element of disregard for you.

5 hours ago, Cynder said:

because of how I was raised, I still don't know for sure if it wasn't me who was int he wrong.  Like, maybe I am just too sensitive.  Maybe I need to relax a little and lighten up.  I was raised thinking bad treatment is fine.

All of us struggle with some form of self doubt. For me, one of those is fear of abandonment. I don't know if that comes from me being adopted, or my parent's divorce, or my mom's borderline personality behavior. But it's been a thing for me for a long time. Fear of abandonment. It causes extreme anxiety in some situations.

When I first started dating my boyfriend back in 2012, he gave me a key to his apartment. It was totally voluntary. He said, "Come whenever you want." Now, he wasn't some joe shmoe off the street; we'd grown up in the same town, gone to the same schools, we knew each other's friend's etc. He wasn't playing Russian Roulette with his privacy. 

So, I had the key, and I don't think I ever used it used it until this one day about a year or two into our relationship. I'd moved up north and he hadn't moved in yet. I tried calling him before work, as was customary, and he didn't answer. I called him a couple more times and nothing. My anxiety set in. I got it in my head that he was dead, and instead of driving to work I drove the whole way to his apartment. 

On my way there, he called me. He'd overslept. I confessed that I was driving to him because I'd convinced myself that he was dead. I was so embarrassed. He said, "I'm so sorry. I overslept. Please come here if it makes you feel better. I'm happy to see you. You are always welcome here. I want you to know that I understand and respect your anxiety and that I will never, ever intentionally put you in this position again." And he never did.

None of us are perfect. We all have some kind of shortcoming. It's important to find a partner who is sensitive to that, and who will never exploit it.


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"So. What does it matter? The thing you thought did. Now its a sight lost. Tell me it was nothing... Now that you see will you be dumb? Hmmm. Think about it.."

Z posted this on Facebook late last night, immediately followed by a post about what a screw up she is and then another post about what a dumbsh*t she is. 

Seeing this I felt conflicted.  First thing I thought was that I'm sad for her and I hate that she feels that way.  But I was also a little irritated.  I can't even explain why it irritated me.  Maybe because she never used to be the kind of person who threw pity parties on social media.  It comes across as attention seeking. 

The thing she posted that I quoted...  I wonder if that is directed at me or someone else.  The only way to really know is to ask, which I'm too much of a coward to do. 

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Posted (edited)

So, late last night it hit me out of nowhere that I have no idea when my next show even is.  I think it's Hell City but I'm not even 100% sure on that.  Before my whole life became a sh*tshow I was on top of this stuff.  I also have to file my sale tax for the last half of 2021.  That's always fun.  And then I have end of year inventory to do.  And I have to start getting all my expenses figured up for last year. 

My head and my heart are so not in it right now.  I am starting to wonder what the hell I even do all of this for.  Being a business owner has cause more conflict in my life than it should.  L was my main helper at shows for a long time and she's done nothing but throw it in my face.  Ok, for years she lived her and didn't pay anything.  She was supposed to pay rent but she didn't.  (This was the first time she lived here.)  She was helping me at just about every show basically to earn her keep.  I was ok with that.  It's an even trade.  

But after what she did at Pride last year I don't know if I'm going to ask for her help again.  And also I offered to pay her for helping at Pride and she wouldn't take any money, but then complained that I didn't pay her.  And then I offered to pay her just to help me with breakdown at WF last summer.  WF takes place practically in my back yard.  I mean, it's crazy how close this festival is to my house.  It's a big street fair and the perimeter that is blocked off is a block away from where I live.  She said she would and then just never showed up. 

Last night I dreamt that Z and I were talking and she gave me her address and invited me over.  I remember the address.  Just for the fun of it I google street viewed the address she gave me.  In the dream it was a brown house with a small yard.  The house is actually brown with a small yard, lol.  I know it's a coincidence, but still.  It's also really close to my house.  One street over.  I don't think she actually lives there.  It's just weird that I could remember the address when waking up and that the house is similar. 

Her last name is really unusual.  Like, until I met her I never heard her last name before.  It's rare in the US.  Well I started listening to a new audiobook three days ago.  One of the characters has her last name.  I told my therapist there are days when it seems like the Universe is just poking at me.  Like, "Hey, remember your ex...?" 

I've been really depressed this week.  I feel like there's only so much I can take of this.  Everything feels so overwhelming. 


Edited by Cynder
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Posted (edited)

I've been painting most of the day, which is pretty impressive... since I've hardly painted anything in months.  K just came into my art room and asked me if I needed the bathroom.  I told him no, and he said, "Good because I need to go take a dump."  I said, "Really, gotta take a dump?"  And he was like, "Yea, I have to take a number 100."  I've heard people say that sometimes parents think everything their kid says is adorable no matter what.  He's not my kid but that's how I feel about pretty much everything he says.  I've seen him grow up since he was a baby and it's been so interesting watching his personality develop, etc.  I remember when I was married people used to always ask me when I was having kids.  I told a lot of people, "I'm not ready to be a Mom yet but I'm ready to be an Aunt."  I guess I never evolved to be ready for motherhood.  I'm perfectly happy in my role as an Auntie. 

He always wants to make videos with me where I pretend I'm a news reporter and he pretends to be whatever he wants.  Sometimes he's a fireman.  Sometimes he's a professional ice skater.  So I always hold a pretend Mic in my hand and I always start out the video by saying something like, "Hello and welcome back!  We're talking with professional ice skater *his name* who just got back from the Olympics.  Tell us about competing for the gold?"  And then I just give him the floor and let him talk. 

As I was typing that last paragraph he came walking through the art room and was like, "That was so refreshing."  I said, "Pooping was refreshing?"  And he laughed and said, "You've lost your mind."  Lol... yea I'm sure I have. 

Z and I talked for a bit last night.  It was a lighthearted conversation about pets.  She posted a pic of her two cats and it reminded me of a certain pop culture reference.  I commented that and she was like, "That's exactly what I thought when I took the picture!"  Her and I really do think alike a lot.  When we were together whenever that would happen she used to say it was because we were each other's "one."  Wonder what she thought last night when it happened?

I haven't missed a workout in 2 weeks.  and I've started to be a bit of a sadist at the gym too.  Like, pushing myself further than what I normally do just to see if I can do it.  I really HATE Planet Fitness.  Seriously... there is so much about that place that just irks me.  But I'm kinda stuck going there.  It's part of the disadvantage of being in a smaller town.  Since I tore my Achilles tendon I have to be careful when I work out.  I was told the safest machine for me is the Arc Trainer.   PF is the only place in town with Arc Trainers.  Back in 2010 when I worked at the YMCA we had one there.  But it was almost always broke down. 

I don't like that there always seems to be food there.  I also don't like that most of the machines don't have a lot of weight.  Like, some of the machines I use, I am almost at max on, and I'm no body builder.  Idk... it seems like a lot of the machines aren't really there to challenge anyone.  They just want to make it as easy as possible.  This isn't really something I hate, it's more just something funny.  But they got all new equipment last week.  The new arc trainers are definitely designed for taller people.  Like my little short ass feels like I need a step stool just to get up onto the arc trainer. 

Speaking of step stools...  I have a step stool in my kitchen that is about 50 colors because K and I spray painted it last summer.  I use spray paint for all kinds of effects in my work.  So I have dozens of different colors.  Well, one day last summer K and I just went nuts on the step stool and painted it every color we had.  So now I have this psychedelic step stool in my kitchen.  Well, I finally found some color morph spray paint yesterday.  Earlier when L was taking a nap K was down here hanging out with me and I showed it to him.  He asked if we could try it on the step stool.  So we went outside and tried the new paint on the step stool.  The nozzles are a little different on these cans, so we both got it on our hands.  It doesn't come off easy either.  My one pointer finger is still sticky. 


Edited by Cynder
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Posted (edited)

I've been working hard lately to try to unlearn some of the things I learned as a kid.  Especially things that weren't accurate. 

This analogy might seem random, but I'm going somewhere with it.  On tv and in movies, whenever someone takes Acid or any other psychedelic, their trip is almost always depicted as a bunch of colors and patterns.  Well, as someone who has done my share of psychedelics, I'll say that's really accurate.  Especially when they start kicking in.  There are just colors and patterns everywhere.  One night after a ceremony, a bunch of us were sitting around the fire talking.  It was like 3AM.  And we were having this conversation about why that is what we see.  Like, is there some neurological reason for seeing colors and patterns, or do we see that because we've been told that's what we're supposed to see?  Like... if whenever someone on TV was tripping, if it was shown to us as black and white stripes, would we see black and white stripes?  Turns out there is a neurological reason for seeing colors and patterns.  Basically our brains are hardwired to see colors and patterns.  Psychedelics work in a few ways, but one thing they do is increase bloodflow to some parts of the brain that normally don't get much bloodflow.  And then the parts of the brain that usually get a lot of bloodflow aren't getting as much.  So our mind has all this new activity and all this new information to process, and it has no idea how.  So we see colors and patterns because that's what we are hardwired to recognize.  

Whenever someone who has never done psychedelics asks me about them, they always ask, "What did you see?"  People who haven't experienced it don't really understand that there is so much more to it than the visuals.  The visuals are just a biproduct of so many other things.  Losing comprehension of language was one of the most disorienting things I've ever experienced.  But it was awesome. 

But anyway...  Since I was a kid I've been told that all that matters about a woman/girl is how she looks.  And I've been told that I am ugly.  I mean, this started when I was really little.  And it was used all through my childhood as an excuse for a lot of unfair treatment.  Like, my sister was allowed to bring home bad grades because well, she's pretty and some guy will marry her and take care of her.  No one will ever marry me because I'm ugly.  So I will have to work hard to make a living.  So I better get good grades.  My sister and her boyfriend get caught messing around.  Well, that's ok, because they are both good looking horny teenagers.  They were just doing what good looking horny teens do.  They find out I cuddled with my boyfriend while watching a movie, and well I'm in all kinds of trouble because cuddling leads to other things and they don't want me getting pregnant.  So... only ugly people get pregnant?  Really? 

This happened with my brothers, too.  My youngest brother is really good looking.  My oldest brother is not as good looking but has a way better personality.  But he got away with a lot less growing up. 

When I was growing up, if I showed any kind of confidence in how I looked, it was shut down.  If I ever gave any inclination that I thought I looked good, I was told to stop being so vain and conceited.  If I wore baggy clothes and no makeup, I was told I looked like a slob.  If I wore anything tight or revealing and wore makeup, well then I looked like a wh*re or a sl*t. 

So, all my life I have looked in the mirror and saw someone ugly.  But do I really see someone who is ugly or am I just seeing that because that's what I've been told to see.  When you start telling someone as a toddler how ugly they are and keep telling them that all throughout their life it gets pretty ingrained in their thoughts. 

And it still hasn't stopped.  I remember when I was dating D about 5 years ago.  There were a lot of people that told us we should have kids because we would have such beautiful kids.  (And really...?  Two people who don't want kids should have them because their kids would be beautiful?  Like that's a valid reason to bring a human life into the world.)  But yea, multiple people said this to D and I.  We would have such beautiful babies.  D, even though he was an a*shole, was a really good looking guy.  I think that's how he's been able to coast through life so easily and get away with so much.  Being attractive opens a lot of doors for people.  But I was telling my Mom once that so many people have said D and I would have beautiful kids.  And she immediately corrected me.  She was like, "They would have beautiful hair.  That's it." 

I have long thick naturally curly hair.  When I was younger my Mo saw to it that my hair never got very long.  The longest it ever was when I was a kid was shoulder length.  Whenever it got to my shoulders she would take me to get it all cut off.  And as a teenager when I started actually growing it out I was told my hair is the only thing I have that's pretty.  I remember someone even saying once, "It's such a shame your face isn't as pretty as your hair."  And D had long naturally wavy strawberry blond hair.  My Mom really made it a point to tell me that if we had kids their hair would be the only thing pretty about them.  Like she really had to drive that point home. 

And then it didn't help that my ex husband told me all the time how ugly I am, in subtle ways.  I mean, he didn't come right out and say, "You're ugly."  But he told me I was.  After we got married he told me how disappointed he was when we met in person the first time.  We met online.  He saw pics.  And the pics he saw weren't deceptive either.  It's not like I used heavily edited, glamorized photos that didn't even look like me.  He saw a full body shot and everything.  Then after we are married he starts talking about how he was so disappointed when we met in person because he was hoping I sent pics of an ugly girl just to throw him off.  He also would talk about how since he's in a band he could get someone a lot hotter, etc.  I just want to go back and tell my past self to tell him to F off.  Like ok... if you can get someone hotter than go get them. 

So...  I've been trying to look in the mirror and see what is actually there, not not just someone who is ugly.  I've been trying to focus on the good points.  We have impossible standard in the country.  Models starve themselves and are so made up and photshopped that the person in the photos doesn't even look like the person who posed for them.  And the truth is my parents were jerks.  My dad used to open refer to me as his ugly daughter.  They were just as*holes.  My Dad is dead now.  He drank himself to death.  He was a wife beater and a womanizer.  Why do I hold his opinion in such high regard?  He was nobody.  He was a married man in his late twenties who messed around with a teenage girl and was too stupid to use protection.  And then he blamed me for ruining his life the whole time I was growing up.  Like I asked to be conceived during his affair?  Point is he was a scumbag.  So why should I let what he thought control what I think of myself? 

My Mom was no angel either.  He was the one who got pregnant screwing a married man.  And she drank all the time and did a lot of coke.  And I recently found out she cheated on my dad, too.  I always had my suspicions, but it was confirmed not too long ago. 

Bottom line, I think they both hated themselves and so they wanted to make sure I hated myself too.  Their mistakes weren't my fault and I'm trying to shake all that off.  Some days it's easier than others. 


Edited by Cynder
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3 hours ago, Cynder said:

I've been trying to look in the mirror and see what is actually there, not not just someone who is ugly.  I've been trying to focus on the good points.


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21 hours ago, Jibralta said:


Yea...  nit's bad enough that society throws all these unattainable ideals at us.  Then when your own family is telling you how ugly you are...  One thing that really surprised me when I went to Europe the first time was how average looking people are on TV and on magazine covers and stuff.  It's like wow, look at that woman on that billboard, she's a little chubby.  She has freckles.  Her nose is kinda big.  Her hair isn't perfect.  And no one over there is bothered by it.  Grant it, I haven't been everywhere in Europe.  But the places I've been seemed to not have insane standards of beauty like we do here in the US.  And man...  I get hit on left and right whenever I'm over there.  Not only are people over there not as shallow but I also have an accent and I'm exotic, etc. 

But, beautiful people don't always have it easy either.  Yea, they get away with a lot more.  They get treated better.  They make more money, etc.  But a lot of really beautiful people are also lonely.  People are either afraid to approach them out of intimidation or they only are interested in what's on the outside and don't care what's on the inside.  Beautiful women are thought of as airheads.  Hot guys are thought of as dumb beefcakes.  I've personally talked to beautiful people who hate being beautiful. 

Then there are people like L.  She is conventionally attractive.  Every man who meets her wants to sleep with her right off the bat, and most of them get to eventually.  But all these guys treat her like garbage.  She's just a sex toy for them.  And she doesn't care if the guy is married, in a relationship, etc.  She will sleep with anyone.  But look where it's gotten her in life.  She had a good man who took care of her and K.  She screwed that up by sleeping around. 

And then you have people like Z, who are beautiful to the point of it almost being supernatural... and hate everything about how they look.  I mean... she is stunning.  And that's an understatement.  She has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen in my life.  They are a rare color, too.  The best description I can give is she resembles the actress Jessica De Gouw.  Here is a pic:wp8691854.jpg

I can't even imagine looking like that and hating how I look.  And one of her main reasons for ending it with me is because she hates how she looks.  And I told her all the time how beautiful she is.  And she decided she just couldn't be with someone who loves the body she hates.  There is so much mental gymnastics there.  But that isn't what I'm writing this about, so I'm going to get off that subject. 

My sister was given all these extra privileges when we were kids because she was pretty.  But it made her an awful person for a long time.  Now she's gotten better but for a while she just was really nasty to be around.  My youngest brother was the guy every guy wanted to be and every girl wanted to date back in high school.  He was the captain of the football team, etc.  But he grew up to be a jerk.  I will say he wasn't a jerk in high school.  He was nice.  But he grew up to be a jerk.  He disowned our whole family.  He has a really high paying job and lives in the richest part of town in a beautiful half million dollar home with his gorgeous trophy wife.  That's great for him... I guess.  But one day he will probably wake up and realize what a waste it's all been. 

My Mom was the hot Mom.  She really was.  My Mom was the blond, tanned woman who mows the grass in a bikini and drives all the men in the neighborhood crazy.  She coached little league for years, and multiple women tried to get her booted from coaching because their husbands checked her out.  They would complain about how she dressed inappropriate, etc.  But, she kinda did.  I mean, she would go to coach little league in super short cutoff shorts and halter tops.  And she always had men after her.  But, my dad treated her like garbage and so did my step dad.  They both cheated all the time.  They both beat her up.  And now she's miserable and alone.  And she's still gorgeous.  She looks 20 years younger than her actual age. 

But anyway, I probably should get off here and go clean something and then paint something. 


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So, I got my first unemployment check today.  Well, it was direct deposited.  I didn't get a physical check.  Do people even still do that? 

I will most likely have a job interview later today.  I got an email this morning asking if I could meet today and I replied asking what time.  I haven't heard back yet.  It's actually at the gym.  They need someone to come in overnight and clean and keep an eye on the place.  They are open 24/7 so someone always has to be there.  This is right up my alley.  I don't mind working at night.  I don't mind cleaning.  And I don't mind working alone.  I had to take a personality test and an IQ test though, which really surprised me.  Not putting anyone down who works at a gym, but it's not an intellectually demanding job.  I worked at the YMCA for 10 months back in 2010. It's not a hard job. 

The IQ test was a little bit unrealistic though.  I know I could have scored a lot higher if I had more time.  I know IQ tests are always timed but this one was a little bit ridiculous.  I had 12 minutes to answer 25 questions and it's not like they were super easy questions.  There was a lot of "In a race Sarah finished after Dave and Dave finished before Roger.  Connie finished after Suzy and Suzy finished before Dave.  What place did Roger finish?"  Note, that's not the exact question.  I don't remember it word for word.  But there were a lot of those kinds of questions.  And there were a lot of math questions that had 3 or more steps to answer.  There were also a lot of linguistics questions, those I had no problem with at all.  It was a lot to expect of someone in 12 minutes.  I had a minute left and still had three questions so I just guessed on the last three.  Like, you never know I might get one right.  Better than not answering at all.  And I just kept thinking, Why the hell does any of this matter?  This is an overnight job in a gym.  I'll be sweeping the floor and wiping down weight machines. 

The pay is surprisingly good, though.  It will be nice doing an easy job and making decent money.  It will also be nice not having to get up at the ass crack of dawn. 

I got my aunt and her boyfriend nice and pissed at me.  I have this solid wood California king bed that I'm trying to sell.  I bought it on impulse.  It was only $100.  D and I were coming back from setting up at a festival and we stopped at a yard sale.  I got talked into buying it.  We had the trailer hooked up to the car so hauling it home wasn't an issue either.  But, since it was an impulse buy and I didn't really think it through, I didn't realize how huge a Cali king bed actually is.  My bedroom is long and skinny.  If I were to set it up there would be barely any room to get in an out of bed.  So, I'm trying to sell it. 

My aunt expressed interest in it.  I told my Mom that my aunt was interested and my Mom said, "Don't sell it to her.  She just wants it to resell."  She told me that my aunt and her bf sell at flea markets.  Ok, my Mom and my aunt don't speak.  They haven't for years.  And personally I don't care if they do resell it.  I only paid $100 for it.  As long as I get back what I paid for it, I'm happy.  Right now it's disassembled and taking up half of my bedroom.  So I messaged my aunt a few days later and asked her again if she was interested.  I am in the process of decluttering this house.  So I also told her, "If you guys do flea markets I might have other stuff you want too.  I am getting rid of a lot of stuff."  Well, she went off on me.  Apparently the flea market thing isn't true.  She was like, "We have full time jobs!  How the hell do you think we have time to set up at flea markets!"  Well ok... most vendors actually have full time jobs.  How do I know this?  Uh... I'm a vendor.  I haven't done a flea market in years but there is a lot of overlap between flea market vendors and festival vendors.  Yea so now my aunt is pissed at me.  I don't know why.  It's not like I was saying there's anything wrong with selling at flea markets. 

There is so much petty BS in my family.  Idl if all big Italian families are this way or just mine.  I know an ex girlfriend of mine was Italian too and her family was similar and they had a lot of drama too.  My Mom and my Aunt don't speak.  I have two cousins who are siblings who don't speak.  My brother disowned all of us and doesn't even claim us.  I'm surprised he hasn't changed his last name.  (Which he might have.  I don't know.  I wouldn't put it past him.)  I have a 5 year old nephew that I've never even met.  When he was a bay my brother was still talking to us but he wouldn't let me or my sister around the baby.  He said it was because we hadn't had some vaccine.  I don't even remember what it was but it was some obscure thing we had never heard of.   My great grandma hated me and I had no idea she felt this way until she accidentally told me.  She had cancer and a bunch of us were visiting her when she was in hospice care.  She thought I left the room but it was actually someone else who left the room.  And she just went off on this whole tangent about how much she hates me and what a disappointment/embarrassment I am to our family.  Her only reason for hating me so much was because I'm not a practicing Catholic anymore.  Never mind the fact that none of my siblings are either.  Guess they get a free pass.  I have an Aunt (not the same one I already talked about) who hates me too.  The reason... I am a few months younger than her son.  Her son was born and everyone paid attention to the new baby.  Then I was born a few months later and everyone paid attention to another new baby.  And the fact that my Mom was an unmarried teen Mom.  My aunt's way of thinking was "Well, I'm married and I had my baby in wedlock.  Then this illegitimate little brat comes along and everyone is paying attention to her and not my baby."  Yup... because that was my fault.  Lol.  It amazes me that people can be so petty.   

Christmas Eve 2016...  I still remember it.  My brother and my sister got into a huge screaming cussing match at my grandma's house and a bunch of people ended up outside screaming at each other on my grandma's front lawn.  My brother is calling my sister the b word and the c word and everything.  My sister is calling him an a*shole and a stupid mfr.  I think some blows were even exchanged at some point.  Merry Christmas, lol.  This is how I grew up.  This was all because my brother and his wife didn't bring the baby.  And while this is all going on outside my Grandma was standing in the kitchen wondering where everybody went.  That was when he stopped talking to all of us. 

Anyway...  I have to go do my makeup.  Idk when they are going to call me for this interview, so I just want to be ready when they do. 



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Well, I got a job. I'm working over night at the gym.  I'll tell you...  after years of stressful, hard labor it will be so nice to have an easy job.  For 11 years I was a Quality inspector at an automotive plant.  Not only did it involve a lot of bending and lifting at a fast pace.  But it was a mentally demanding job as well.  Checking parts for all these defects all day long and knowing that if anything bad gets out the door you are screwed.  I was really good at it and took a lot of pride in what I did.  Then Covid happened and my health got me fired, pretty much. 

But now, I will basically be just cleaning, listening to music and hanging out with the night crew who work out there.  And the pay is good.  I make a dollar less an hour than what I made as a QI.  That's actually pretty sad when you think of it.  The Auto industry is the backbone of this country according to a lot of people.  A flaw in a car could kill people.  Yet the people who perform the inspections get paid so low.  I'm getting paid almost as much to chill and disinfect weight machines. 

I'm glad I work over night, too.  I'm a night person.  Years of trying to force myself into the early morning work schedule...  I hated getting up at 4AM every day.  Also, I'm sure the way I look has to do with it.  That isn't an insult to myself.  It's just me being realistic.  I mean, people work out mostly for vanity reasons.  For 90% of the people at the gym it isn't about health.  It's about looks.  So when you walk into a place like that you expect to see hot people working there. You don't expect to see some tatted up chick with purple hair working there.  I'm sure the choice to put me on the graveyard shift is an image thing.  And I'm ok with it. 


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