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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


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Ok so... let's see how much I can writ in one night, shall we? Lol. 

So... this also involves Facebook, lol.  I used to use pics of myself that were taken at shows as profile pics.  Mainly because at shows is when I look my best.  Well, I photograph well.  I look way better in pictures than I do in real life.  My current profile picture is intentionally unflattering because I was tried of getting hit on by random dudes.  

So, I just got a message from some rando and he was like, "Good evening."  me: Good evening.  Do I know you?  He was like, "Probably not, but I would love to get to know each other better.,"  I shot him down politely.  I told him no.  It's nothing personal.  I'm just not looking for that right now.  He sent a few more messages, trying to gently persuade me.  I just kept telling him I'm not interested and wished him luck in finding someone who is. 

I don't know this dude.  No idea who he is.  I was curious so I clicked on his profile...  We have one friend in common.  Anyone want to take a guess who...?  Lol. 

No it's not Ed...  It's Z. 

Idk...  I find it kinda hard to believe that some rando just messaged me out of nowhere like this when we only have one friend in common.  I wonder if she put him up to it.  I could see her being like, "Hey, random dude... go hit on my ex.  I want to see what she says to you." 

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So, today at work my mind was wandering like it often does...  And for the last four months I've been hearing from so many people, "Just work on yourself." 

As much as I've wanted to, I haven't gotten much work done at all on myself.  It's hard to do any real inner work to improve my state of being when every time I turn around something bad is happening.  Girlfriend leaves... then I lose my job...  then my cat dies... then I have a friend I've known for over a decade acting like a complete psycho and telling me to kill myself every chance he gets...  then I get another job... Then I catch my roommate/friend stealing from me which results in her being violent with me and me leaving for the night and contemplating suicide all night long... Then gf contacts me again and wants to talk... then I find out I'm losing my new job... the I get a staph infection followed by the flu.  Like... is it ever going to end...?  And I am always bracing myself for what's next.  Cancer?  Jet engine landing on my house? 

I have all these spiritual friends who say things like "The universe is clearing the path for better things!"  Ok... when? 

So anyway... today at work I was wondering how a person actually does the inner work everyone always tells them to do?  I spent the first 18 years of my life in fight or flight mode constantly.  I was taught from a really young age that nothing I felt/wanted/liked/cared about mattered.  I was taught from a young age that no one can be trusted.  I got all kinds of mixed messages growing up about things like lying, violence, looks, sex, etc.  And my parents were trashed and or high most of the time, so in some ways I feel like I raised myself.  How in the hell can any of that be deprogrammed? 

Psychedelics helped me more than therapy ever could.  But they don't just fix everything.  Yes, I've felt true divine love.  I've had conversations with the Universe.  I've died, relived my birth and been in the presence of God.  But all of that is hard to integrate into regular every day life.  I know my purpose and why I'm here.  I know where I'm going when I die.  I know things that not everyone knows.  (On a side note... when a bunch of people who have all had these really intense psychedelic experiences get together and start talking about it, the conversations are always really interesting and confusing to anyone who hasn't been through it.)  But one thing I learned through all of that that I can integrate in every day life that has helped is knowing the Universe is like one giant puzzle and everything fits where it's supposed to fit.  That has helped.  Every day I try to be a better person than I was yesterday.  That has helped. 

It is frustrating... for the past four months I have everyone telling me to work on myself.  I feel like therapy has been so counterproductive because it's all been focused on just processing things and not wanting to die. 

Z keeps wanting to tell me about all the work she is doing on herself, confronting her issues, etc.  I'm really happy that she is doing all that.  But I feel like now I'm behind.  I feel like I need to catch up.  Not because I think this is a competition.  But I feel like if we are going to be in each other's lives, I need to do a lot of work too which I haven't done. 

I still don't have an answer. 

Edited by Cynder
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Maybe it's just because today is an emotional day...  Maybe it's all the Winter Solstice energy floating around...  but today was the first time I questioned whether I can handle being friends with Z on Facebook or not.  Nothing has bothered me before tonight.  Last night I was scrolling through on my phone while waiting for a cab, and there was a great big selfie she posted.  She used to post really showy pics of herself on there.  Like, she was always dressed to the nines, full makeup, etc.  The pics she has posted lately don't look like that at all.  I'm not saying it's a bad thing...  Maybe she is less obsessed with her looks now. 

But tonight, one of my clients took me out for a drink.  And when I got home I was waiting for my clothes to be done in the wash so I could go dry them.  And I was just scrolling on there for a minute, and I saw a post from her saying she wants to get her hair cut and colored, and where around here won't screw it up?  This hit kinda hard for two reasons.  For one, I used to do her hair when we were together.  I don't expect her to ask me to do it now...  It just brought back a lot of memories.  

The second thing was a comment from Ed...  remember Ed for a few posts back?  He commented, verbatim, "Why don't you ask Cynder.  She used to be good at that stuff."  I replied to his comment and said, "I still am."  Then I recommended a place here in town that is really good, for her. 

Idk...  I just don't like not knowing who to trust.  A few months ago this guy was telling me to go kill myself.  It's obvious he knows her and I are talking again now.  I wonder if she knows the way he talked to me a few months ago.  Maybe one day I will tell her.  Depends on how things pan out. 

It is hard being this in love with someone and separated from them.  In four months I haven't stopped loving her.  I never questioned whether I did or not.  I knew I still love her.  It's just a lot harder to be in love with someone and see what they are doing on a daily basis online.  Who knows though... she could be sitting at her place struggling with these same issues right now.  She could be thinking, "Gods... I'm still so in love with her.  It's so hard seeing her Facebook posts.  Was it a mistake adding her again?" about me.   

Love is never easy.  This is the longest and darkest night of the year.  People say things like, "Form here on out it can only get brighter."  And that's true... as far as the weather and the time the sun sets and rises.  But will that be true for my life?  I guess I will either find out or die. 


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So, here it is the supposedly most wonderful time of the year.  I don't feel too wonderful.  I'm sick and tired of waking up every day wishing I was dead.  I'm tired of praying for a car accident.  I'm tired of wishing I would die in my sleep.  I'm tired of feeling sick every day and not being able to go get checked out because I have no medical insurance.  I'm tired of being in love with someone who may or may not love me back.  I'm tired of everything... 

I'm writing here because it's Christmas and I don't want to bother any of my friends with this BS. 

I'm just tired of life sucking...

And it seems like whenever something kinda good happens... it is paired with something bad.  I'm sick of hearing "It'll get better."  "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." "Without bad times there would be no good times." 

Last night I had a bunch of really messed up dreams.  I dreamt that I was being forced into having sex with this really disgusting dirty guy.  And when I say being forced I don't mean like he had me at gunpoint forcing himself on me. It was more of a situation where I was being held against my will and that was the only way to be let go.  So I was just doing it so he would let me go. 

I woke up and was playing on my phone for a little bit.  Z posted this thing on Facebook about how she really needs to change her ways and she has so much work to do on herself.  But then I (accidentally) found out that she dated someone else briefly a few weeks after we broke up.  I know we were split up and it's a free country.  But still, it's upsetting to think about the person you love with someone else.  They aren't seeing each other anymore and from what I can gather it screams rebound. 

I don't know this other girl she dated but I know of her because they have known each other for a long time and they tried dating once before.  Z told me about this girl and why it didn't work out before.  She said this girl was really possessive and controlling, etc.  Z wasn't supposed to talk to anyone else, hang out with friends, etc.  So...  makes me wonder why she tried things again with this woman when it was so bad the first time.  And this was only a few weeks after she left me. 

I am trying to focus on the positives here.  She is no longer with this person, and it's me she reached out to and wants to talk to.  Maybe being with this other women made her realize she still has feelings for me.  Maybe that relationship made her appreciate me more.  I was never possessive and controlling, ever.  She was allowed to talk to whoever she wanted.  We both hung out with friends without each other and it was never a problem.  Idk...

I just wish we could get together and talk about things.  There are so many things I want to say, and so many things I want to ask.  I'm willing to give her all the time she needs.  But at the same time, she is the one who just up and disappeared on me.  Her feelings aren't the only feelings that matter. 

I am not sure if I will message her today and say Merry Christmas.  I am still undecided.  I really have no idea what the etiquette is when communicating with an ex like this.  Every relationship is different.  And in the past when someone has been out of my life, they've been out of my life for good.  She is the only person I would give a second chance to. 

For years... every New Years Eve I would secretly hope this NYE would be my last.  Last year was the first year in a long time I didn't wish that.  Z and I were here by ourselves last year.  We watched a couple horror movies, got drunk, had sex, stayed up all night talking... 

This year on NYE I will be alone.  And once again I will hope this is the last NYE I'm alive. 

My therapist knows that I have these feelings.  She told me that because I've been hurt a lot that doesn't mean I don't deserve to be alive.  I told her it's not that I don't think I deserve to be alive.  I just don't want to be alive anymore.  A person can only take so much crap in a lifetime.  And I think I've reached my limit. 

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38 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I really have no idea what the etiquette is when communicating with an ex like this.

I don't think it's a question of etiquette so much as it is a question of self-preservation. You are dealing with a very difficult break up at a notoriously difficult time of year. You want to reach out, and that's completely understandable. But will it help you?

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8 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I don't think it's a question of etiquette so much as it is a question of self-preservation. You are dealing with a very difficult break up at a notoriously difficult time of year. You want to reach out, and that's completely understandable. But will it help you?

I don't know if it will help.  I guess a lot of that depends on how she responds.  Finding out that she dated someone else, on today of all days was really hard.  Even if it was a rebound relationship...  it was still a relationship.  I've had people ask me out, etc... since she left and I've turned everyone down because I don't think it's fair to them or myself to date anyone when I'm still in love with her.  But I didn't expect that same behavior from her.  I know that's how most people cope.  A lot of people do the whole rebound thing when a relationship ends.  I did once and it blew up in my face.  So I decided never again. 

I just wish for once something would work out. 

The last few months I've barely even painted anything.  I used to tell myself no matter how bad things get, nothing can take art away from me.  But now I guess something can.  I just have no desire to paint anything when I feel this way. 

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47 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Do you still paint at all?

I got all my Holiday commissions done this year, because I had to.  Not much creativity goes into those, though.  I feel more like a technician than an artist.  When someone gives me a pic of their sister's new baby and asks me to paint it as a Christmas gift, I can bang that out in a day.  But it's not much of a creative process.  Most of them just want it to look like a painting version of the photo.  I get the occasional client who asks me to paint it in my style.  Those are my favorites to do, but I didn't have any like that this year. 

In the time since she left, I've done three paintings.  One was of Pennywise, but in my style.  Idk...  I just got inspired one day and did it.  One was a painting of a fly sucking blood from an open wound.  And the other one was a painting my me, naked, cut up and bleeding.  Not many people have seen that one.  L said she didn't like it when I was working on it.  I didn't even turn around.  I just said, "It's not for you to like."  I don't even know what to do with it.  It's too personal to sell and too disturbing to hang up anywhere. 

So the answer is yes, I still paint...  But I lost the magic of painting.  Hopefully I can get it back. 

Z and I did wish each other a Merry Christmas today.  But that's all we said.  There was no conversation other than that. 

I'm so tired of feeling lost. 

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I really don't know if writing this will help or not, since you will likely never see it.  But I'm going to try. 

I am conflicted...  Part of me wants you to really understand the hell you put me through when you left.  But also, part of me hopes you never understand because I would never wish what you put me through on anyone. 

I don't even know if you could handle what I've been through.  I still don't even know for sure if I could handle it either.  But I didn't really have a choice.  You know, back in mid September I checked myself into a hotel with a bottle of whiskey, my antidepressants and some prescription sleeping pills.  And my intention was to never check out.  I texted you that night asking if what you did makes you feel good about yourself.  You didn't answer me. 

It turns out I'm not as brave or strong as some people, because I didn't go through with it.  I was too scared.  I didn't want to be found dead by some poor unfortunate housekeeper the next day.  Would you have even cared? 

I don't think I will ever trust anyone again.  All the times you told me I could trust you.  You told me not to be afraid, that I was safe with you.  I saw my universe in your eyes.  You were my Muse.  I saw our future.  And then everything turned to dust. 

You broke me and I don't think I will ever put myself back together.  I have not been the same person since you left and I don't think I ever will be.  I wake up every morning wishing I was dead and I go to sleep every night hoping I don't wake up. 

And then you decided to come back into my life...  Why?  What is your end game?  What do you want out of this?  You've done all this work on yourself.  But I haven't...  I've just been trying to survive.  It's great that you could just throw me out like trash and then go improve your life so much.  I genuinely am happy for you.  But now I'm so far behind.  You left me wandering around in the dark completely lost.  You talk about your dad throwing you away... but you threw me away. 

I want to tell you how much I miss you and how much I still love you.  But pride and fear won't let me.  Every night I wish I was holding you when I'm laying in bed alone. 

I hope this face to face you want to have with me happens soon and that it helps.  Because I can't take much more.  I have friends who are worried about me.  I have family who are livid with you for doing this to me.  My family loved you.  Now they've told me if I take you back they will never accept you and you will never be considered part of my family again.  My friends all loved you too.  Some of them even told me they had never seen me so happy.  Now most of my friends hate you.  I even had to talk one out of slashing your tires. 

What the hell did I ever do to you?  I hope you are realizing that I didn't do anything and that's why you're back.  I wish I had the balls to copy/paste this whole thing and send it to you right now.  But I don't.  I wonder if you've ever written anything similar to me that you didn't send. 

Now I'm ending this because I just can't think of anything else to say.  I'm going to go to the movies now and try to get my mind off you for a few hours. 

Edited by Cynder
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3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

What if it was your sense of self-preservation that didn't let you?

Maybe on some level it is.  Pride and fear do play a part in it.  But I also am afraid of how she would respond. 

Today I did the best I could to be kind to myself. 

I went and saw the Matrix Resurrection. But idk, I think that backfired on me a little.  I went in there thinking I was just going to watch Keanu Reeves kicking the crap out of bad guys for two hours.  I figured this is going to be lot's of guns, explosions, futurism with some philosophy thrown in, etc.  I didn't realize how much love story was also thrown in. 

Afterwords my plan was to walk to the salon a block or so away and get my eyebrows waxed.  But they were closed.  So I went into the restaurant next door.  The special for the night was home made tomato soup and grilled cheese.  And omg, if there was ever a better comfort food.  So I sat and had some tomato soup and grilled cheese. 

I also installed a pedometer app on my phone today.  I want to try to walk more.  I can't go running like I used to since I tore my Achilles tendon.  I mean... if there was some emergency situation where I absolutely had to run I can.  It's just not a good idea for me to just go running long distance for the hell of it like I used to.  All it would take is one wrong twist of my ankle and I might not be able to walk.  I still have to wear a brace every night when I sleep just to keep my ankle straight while sleeping.  I have a day time brace too that I wear when I am doing a lot of physical activity.  But yea...  installed a pedometer and I'm going to try to do 6k steps tomorrow. 

Also going to try to paint something tomorrow... anything.  Just picking up a paintbrush. 

Edited by Cynder
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So... as I went about my day today trying my best to keep my mind off you... I did think of more things I want to say to you. 

When you came into my life and when we fell in love, the best way I can describe it was like in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy opens the door and everything is in color.  I know that might sound cheesy, but that's how it was.  I felt like before you, everything was so muted.  All my other relationships seemed so trivial.  It was like I was just playing pretend with everyone else, even my ex husband.  And with you,. it was like everything was so different.  Like in the movie when she sees color for the first time.  It was like I was seeing the worked the way it's meant to be seen and feeling love the way it's meant to be felt for the first time. 

All those times you told me I was the one you had been looking for all your life.  I always felt the same.  All those times when we hugged and I said I didn't want to let you go, and you always said, "You never have to."  Until one day when I had to. 

What would you have said if you saw me rapidly losing weight after you left because I just didn't eat and when I did everything came right back up?  What would you have said if you would have been there that night when Jess was holding my hair back when I was leaning over the railing of my front porch puking in the bushes?  I wasn't drunk...  I was just that upset.  That was also the night she wanted to go down to your work and slash your tires but I talked her out of it because it wouldn't solve anything. 

I took the feelings of a hypothetical hotel worker into consideration when I was going to kill myself that one night.  I didn't do it because I was scared... but also I didn't want to traumatize someone by making it so they would have found my body.  I took some stranger's feelings more into consideration than you took my feelings into consideration when you left.  What does that say about both of us? 

What would you say if you knew I hardly paint anymore?  You said my creativity was one of the things you first fell in love with. 

What would you say if you knew how much K cried when you left too?

What would you say if you knew there was a day I busted out the Crown Royal at 11AM just because I wanted to dull what I was feeling?  The only time in my life I've ever drank in the morning other than when I've been in Europe. 

Have you cried as much as I've cried?  Probably not.  You post on Facebook that your soul hurts... well my soul feels murdered.  I know this isn't a contest... but you have no clue what I've been through. 

I guess all I can do is wait.  I will wait until you are ready to look me in the eys and tell me how sorry you are.  You're a coward.  Any coward can send a text.  I will believe you when you look me in the eyes and say it. 

And if there were any real feelings between you and C...  I hope you told her what you did to me and she decided she could never trust someone who did that to someone and that's why you're not together anymore. 

Edited by Cynder
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So, I woke up to a 88 degree house this morning.  Batteries in my thermostat went out while the vents were on.  So the vents were just blowing warm air all night long.  This happened about 5 years ago, too.  The batteries last forever. 

L needs to get her damn cats under control.  I don't know which one, but one of them keeps pooping in the shower.  Yesterday morning there was cat poop in the shower, I asked her to clean it up.  She just picked it up and threw it in the trash.  Well, idk...  bathing is the one area of my life that my OCD still heavily influences.  Bathing for me is very ritualized.  I can not take a shower unless the shower is squeaky clean.  So, even though the poop was gone, knowing it was there, I couldn't take a shower until I cleaned and disinfected the whole shower.  So I did, and while I was at it I deep cleaned the whole bathroom.  I made sure the bathroom door was closed when I went to bed last night.  Well L must have left it open because this morning there were cat turds in the shower.  I just got home from the gym and now I have to go deal with that before I do anything else.  Right now I am just sitting here mentally preparing for it.  I would rather clean up cat poop than cat vomit though, so at least it's not that. 

It still amuses me that one of Z's biggest complaints about me was that I don't clean enough.  K and I clean more than anyone else in this house and it was that way when she lived here, too.  L doesn't clean anything unless I specifically ask her to.  Z never cleaned outside of her own room.  Her reason, "Well I just don't see the point when everything gets dirty again."  Well welcome to life.  You're well into adulthood and you haven't realized this?  There isn't just some magical cleaning fairy that comes in the night when we are all asleep and cleans the house so we don't have to. 

She posted on Facebook "I wish I wish I wish..."  I wonder if she is wishing for the same thing I'm wishing for.  I really need to stop looking.  I unfollowed her so her posts wouldn't show up in my feed.  But I really need to stop going to her profile and looking.  I'm not stupid though, I know she is most likely doing the same thing with mine. 

So I've meditated for the last three days in a row.  And today I went and worked out for the first time since right before I got the staph infection.  It's so nice being back in the gym.  Now I'm going to go clean the shower and then take a shower and try to paint something. 

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So, as the day is winding down...  My goals for today were to paint something, to go to the gym, and to take 6k steps. 

Well, first things first, I didn't paint anything.  I just didn't have the creative energy.  I did brainstorm and try to come up with ideas for paintings, though.  I looked at work from artists I really like.  I thought of things I might want to paint and then went and looked at photos of those things.  I Sat with a paintbrush in my had for a while while watching some videos, just for the mental feeling of having a brush in my hand.  But I didn't paint anything.  I tried.  Baby steps.  I forgive myself for this one. 

I did go to the gym.  I thought maybe going in the morning wouldn't be as crowded.  I was wrong, it was more crowded.  Maybe I should start going later in the evening.  Who knows what my work schedule will be like in the near future. 

The 6k steps is iffy.  My pedometer only says around 4300 steps.  However, I suspected it wasn't counting everything.  So earlier I counted the steps from my driveway to the corner of the street.  It was 75 steps and the pedometer only counter 43.  So, since the pedometer only says about 4300 steps, that makes the math convenient.  By that ratio I've probably taken about 7500 steps.  Plus the pedometer only counts when I am carrying my phone with me.  And when I am just doing things around the house I don't carry my phone with me.   So, maybe I did, maybe I didn't. 

I've meditated every day for the last two days.  I know that's not that impressive.  But it's better than what I have been doing which is not meditating at all.

I've been trying to not think about my ex as much.  Trying...  I didn't look at her facebook as much today as I have previous days.  I do seriously wonder if she has to stop herself from looking at mine, too.  I know our time will come.  I can just feel it.  We will talk.  We will clear the air about a lot of things.  Until then, obsessing and ruminating doesn't help anything.  I need to be kind to myself right now. 

My Mom gave me money to buy myself something for Christmas.  I bought myself a cute Suede jacket with a big fluffy black fur color.  It will be nice to wear something with a little bit of style instead of just wearing the same few black band hoodies I've worn for the past few years.  I also got myself some cut black Gothy boots.  When I was a teenager I had this really cool pair of black ankle boots that had the texture of crushed velvet.  The store I bought them at called them "Granny boots."  which I didn't understand because no granny I know wears boots like that.  Well, the boots I bought today remind me of those boots I had when I was a teenager.  So I have a cute coat and cute boots to wear. 

There was a coat I was considering buying that was really beautiful and it was really reasonably priced.  But the measurements on the size chart were weird.  Like, if I would have bought it to fit my bust it would have been way too big everywhere else.  Idk... it sucks because it really was very pretty. 

I wonder what kind of weird dreams I will have tonight.  I have dreamt about Z for the past three nights.  I like having those dreams... but then I have to wake up and face reality without her.  I wonder if she dreams about me still.  I hope she does. 

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So, my lymph nodes are swelling up again.  This really scares me.  They shouldn't be swollen when a person doesn't feel sick.  I am 100% willing to just go to the doc and get looked at and pay for it out of pocket without insurance.  But the issue I'm having is what if it's something serious?  Then when I am eligible for insurance again whatever it is will be considered a pre existing condition and any treatment I need to get will likely not be covered.  Our health care system is so screwed up in this country.  Human lives are expendable as long as the pharmaceutical companies and the hospitals are making a fat profit.  I'm not going to go on some big rant about big pharma.  But it is really messed up that my brother who is allergic to bees has to pay $600 for $3 worth of Epinephrine. 

I'm thankful that right now the only med I need are my antidepressants, which cost me less than $10 a month even without insurance.  Lately I've questioned why I even take them.  It's like putting a band aid on a jugular wound. 

Last night makes four nights in a row dreaming about her.  Last night in the dream she told me that one of the reasons she left was because she just really wanted to have dirty nasty sex with a stranger and she couldn't do that with me.  I don't know if there is any truth to this.  I doubt it.  It's just what she said in a dream.  But honestly... having been in open relationships, if she came to me and said that's what she wanted while we were together, I wouldn't have necessarily been against it.  I would have just asked the following...  Don't have any contact with them again after it's over, use protection, and I don't want to hear details about it.  I would prefer if she was going to go do that that it be with a guy, too.  But I wouldn't make that demand on her.  I just know a guy can give her something I can't give her.  And so it's a different situation. 

I just wish I could say all these things directly to her. 

I ordered myself a copy of the Goatia Tarot.  I may never use them, to be honest.  I just think it's such a beautiful deck.  I've been using the Crowley Deck for over a decade.  I use the deck I designed also.  Those are the two I'm most comfortable with.  At festivals when I do readings I may whip out the Goatia ones once in a while if I feel inclined.  But mainly I got them for the art. 


Edited by Cynder
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Pre-existing conditions are no longer legal:


I agree that our healthcare system is screwed up, though. Health is the best money-maker out there.

Sometimes my lymph nodes get swollen or painful when I don't feel sick. I've always figured it's because I am actually sick in some way, but my lymphatic system is addressing it before actual symptoms can emerge. 

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So, after struggling to find inspiration...  I have an idea for a painting.  I came across this picture of a deer skull that struck a chord in me.  I may draw it as an actual deer, but use the pic of the antlers as a reference. 

I didn't get much of anything done today.  I went to the store and when I got back home I had one of the legendary debilitating stomach aches that I get sometimes.  This isn't me being dramatic.  I've gone to the ER before because of this.  When abdominal pain is an 8 on a scale of 1-10 it's pretty bad.  Luckily it only happens once in a while.  But it happened today.  So all I could do was go lay in bed and wait for it to pass. 

It finally did after about four hours. 

And today when I got home from the store my plan was to do some hard core cleaning.  That didn't happen.  So, tomorrow this is my plan.. First thing in the morning, gym.  Then cleaning, then sketching out the deer skull painting and maybe laying down the first layer or so.  That will depend on how long everything else takes. 

Why the hell does YouTube keep trying to make me listen to Hoobastank?  No! 

I'm going to be alone on New Years Eve...  Oh well.  It is what it is.  L and I talked about having some people over for drinks and cards.  But now she's got plans with the same guy who kicked out the headlights of her car, threw her brand new phone out of a moving car, and threw her out of his house half naked in the snow a few weeks ago.  That's on her I guess.  I could still have people over for drinks and cards I suppose.  But honestly I doubt anyone would come if she's not going to be here. 

It really does suck being the ugly friend.  For 20 years I've just had to accept that that's what I am where she is concerned.  Her and I went out for my birthday back in November.  My friend Sam and his brother Kory (both of these guys are head over heals for L... awkward situation...) joined us.  We got there and Sam bought me a drink.  Then him, Kory and L all went out to smoke.  I went out with them even though I don't smoke.  But I was pretty much ignored outside. 

So this guy named Rob came over and sat with us.  He was talking to all of us.  He asked me if I had a lighter, which I didn't but we got talking a little.  And he eventually asked me for a kiss.  I was surprised.  I was like, "Why do you want to kiss me?'  He said because I was really pretty and he just wants to kiss a pretty girl.  So I said Ok but no tongue.  So I let this random dude from the bar kiss me, with no tongue.  Then later on L told me he asked her the same thing first and she said no, so he told her "Well I'll go kiss your friend then." 

Then inside, this guy named Victor came over and was talking to all of us.  Well, him and I ended up having this long conversation about just random stuff.  There was no interest there.  I didn't get the impression he was trying to hook up or anything.  We were just having a friendly conversation.  Well he was getting ready to leave and he asked if he could give me his number.  So I just dialed it and then called his phone so it would be in my call history.  This also meant he now had my number. 

Well, him and I texted here and there for a couple weeks after that.  Nothing flirty.  We just talked about music and movies and stuff.  Then one night he texted me and was like, "So are you going to give your sister my number or not?"  I replied and said, "No, I didn't know I was supposed to."  He said, "Well yea, the whole reason I gave you my number was because I want to get to know her and I just didn't have the balls to ask her for her number."  Like I said... no interest in this guy romantically.  But I thought maybe he found me interesting and liked talking to me.  Guess I was wrong.  I just texted his number to L and left it at that.  I never heard from him again. 

People have a hard time understanding how I could be so attached to Z after what she did.  Well, part of it is that I NEVER felt like a last resort or a second choice with her.  I never got the vibe of "Well, this hot chick I know doesn't want me, so I guess I'll settle for you."  And pretty much every other relationship I've been in has felt that way.  I was just with someone because they couldn't get who they really wanted and I would just do.  I know these guys at the bar weren't relationships...  But we were out celebrating my birthday, and I just felt so alone and unwanted. 

Z made me feel like I was the sun in her sky.  And I think I really was until that day when I suddenly wasn't.  And she was the sun in my sky, too.  She called me her Queen all the time and I called her my Princess. (She absolutely loved being called that.) I also called her Babydoll a lot and she called me Dollbaby.  I know there is more to a relationship than pet names.  But that was just something cute between us.  She never made me feel like I was unworthy of anything.  And I'm scared that I will never have that again with anyone.   

She really is the love of my life. 

My therapist wants me to write more about my relationship with D... he is the person I dated before her.  That relationship traumatized me a lot.  I've never met anyone who was so lacking in empathy and who was so out of touch with reality.  He was raised in a wealthy family.  Wealth can really change a person's understanding of the world.  But I think there was more to it than just that.  I think I will write that stuff here.  Idk... it's easier to write when I'm writing for an audience.  I know that's messed up but it is what it is.  I feel like if what I write is being seen, then it's more valid. 

I've thought about posting some of my short stories on here, too. 


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4 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Pre-existing conditions are no longer legal:


I agree that our healthcare system is screwed up, though. Health is the best money-maker out there.

Sometimes my lymph nodes get swollen or painful when I don't feel sick. I've always figured it's because I am actually sick in some way, but my lymphatic system is addressing it before actual symptoms can emerge. 

Well, they can swell because of stress.  And they can also swell after a good workout.  Yesterday was the first time I had been to the gym in months and I pushed myself pretty hard.  Thank you for the link.  Who knows when I will have insurance again. 

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16 hours ago, Jibralta said:

There's no way to comment on your story thread, but I think it's good.

Really?  There's no way to comment on it?  I can comment on it, but I'm also the OP.  Wonder why other people can't? 

I'm glad someone read it and liked it.  I mean, a lot of people read and like my work over on Reddit, but that;s a completely different community. 

I've had people ask me if anyone in my Universe is a decent human being.  Yea, some.  But I've always been told write what you know.  And sadly, about 90% of the people I've encountered in my life are a**holes.  So that's what I write about. 


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So, I've had a productive couple days.

Yesterday I went to the gym, only to discover it was closed because they were upgrading all the equipment.  So I didn't get to work out yesterday.  Today would have been an off day from the gym, but I went today. 

I can't seem to meet that 6k step goal... at least not according to the numbers on the pedometer app I use, which I've already determined doesn't count right.  But I'll get there one day.  Also when I am just doing stuff around the house I usually don't have my phone on me.  Yesterday I cleaned most of the day and the app said I only took like 500 steps... for the whole day.  There's no way. 

So, as mentioned, I cleaned a lot yesterday.  The art room is practically spotless right now.  I've been wanting to attack that room for a while.  And when I was done cleaning, I sketched out the deer skull painting. 

Today I went to the gym.  When I got home I got online and tried to file for unemployment.  I swear... every single government website is designed to drive people insane.  Working the festival circuit, I have to pay state tax in several states every year.  That process... every state is different and it has to be such an ordeal.  So far Indiana is the worst.  If anyone reading this lives there, that's not a personal attack.  Just saying their website for paying state sales tax is the most difficult to navigate out of all the sites I've dealt with.  This year since the pandemic is still affecting a lot of things, I only have to do it for a couple states.  Indiana is one of them.  Yay. 

So, the website kept glitching out.  So I had to call.  And this call to unemployment lasted almost 90 minutes.  I mean... I cooked and ate my lunch and was working on some stuff in Photoshop while on the phone with them.  I was on speaker most of the time while this woman was like, "Ok, well let me just pull this up..."  Then ten minutes later, "Ok, I see that you..."  Toward the end of the call she kept doing stuff where there were these long periods of silence.  Finally I was just like, "Do you need me on the phone while you do this?" 

So once that was done, I drew up the geometric stuff on the deer skull painting.  Then I actually set that aside, mainly because I'm not sure what color scheme I'm going to use for it.  And I started working on a wolf painting I started a while ago and got frustrated with.

So, I worked on that for a while.  I've been here alone since late this afternoon because L went to see her man.  Regarding that situation...  My relationship with L has completely changed over the last year.  Idk...  I am on the fence.  I know she has good qualities, but I am also a little disgusted with her.  The whole situation with Ed...  then there was the whole thing with Sam and Kory, which I haven't really explained in here.  But long story short, Sam is my friend, been friend since high school.  He found her on my Facebook, started messaging her and fell madly in love.  Then she played him and started sleeping with his brother Kory.  Now their both in love with her and she's playing them both. 

And she was awful to me when Z left.  She lied so much and contradicted herself so much... One day she would be berating me for "picking trash" and talking about how Z is such a lowlife.  Then the next day she's got her phone out texting Z and rubbing my face in it, saying stuff like, "Oh yea, we're gonna hang out because I still want to be friends with her regardless of what happened between you two. Tehehe."  Then the next day it would be, "I hated her the whole time she lived her,  I don't know how you could stand to be with that nasty POS."  After a while I just got so pissed.  Like... which is it?  Who are you loyal to?  And then when I asked her this of course it was, "How dare you put me in this position!"  Then she calls up whatever guy she's screwing that week and cries to him about how I'm being so mean to her...

You know... she should be grateful I'm not a vindictive person and I don't do revenge.  Because right now I could completely screw her life up.  J, (her son's Dad) gives her money all the time and basically rescues her from whatever trouble she gets herself into.  When this guy she's seeing threw her phone out the window of her car and kicked in her headlights, J paid to get her car fixed and bought her a new phone, under the condition that she wouldn't see this guy anymore.  Well, she continued to see him.  He got her drunk one night and threw her out of his house half naked in the snow.  She ended up in the psych ward for a week.  J gave her the ultimatum again, if she continues to see him, he's cutting her off financially and seriously limiting her access to K.  Well, she's still seeing this guy.  All it would take is one text message.  I could completely ruin her life.  And believe me, not having his support would ruin her life.  She relies on him for everything.  She should be glad I'm not that kind of person. 

She has begged me not tot ell J that she's still seeing this guy.  And I won't.  But she's going to hang herself eventually.  He's going to find out.  It's all going to blow up in her face.  And I hate saying it because I care about her.  but Karma is real.  She has wrecked a lot of relationships.  She has caused so much drama and trouble for other people these last few years.  She has been a destructive force in a lot of lives.  She has said things to K that no mother should ever say to her son.  It's only a matter of time before all that comes right back around full circle and bites her in the ass with huge drooling rabid teeth. 

I have considered that all the things I've been through since August have been karma for things I did in the past.  And maybe it is.  If so, I obviously deserved it.  I will be a better person because of it. 

So, after working on the wolf for a while...  yea I went off on a tangent, lol....  But anyone, I decided to relax and pamper myself a little.  I did a deep conditioning treatment on my hair and a face mask.  I sat and drank some wine, watched Letterkenny, and ate some peanut butter pretzels. 

I might be alone tomorrow.  L said she might hang out here with K.  But she also said she might go see her guy.  Also one of my friends up in the city sad he might come down here and kidnap me for the night.  So who knows.  I really wish Z and I were going to be together tomorrow night.  But that's not happening.  I'm sure I'll get a happy new year text if nothing else.  I'm so glad we are talking again if nothing else.  I love her so much. 

Another big thing that happened...  My brother and I are driving across the county in August.  He did this back in 2017.  Now I'm joining him.  We might get my sister to come too, not sure yet.  We are going to see a friend who lives on the west coast.  So that's a huge thing to look forward to.  I just hope I have the vacation time from wherever I'm working at the time. 

Currently listening to...


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So...  after feeling so good yesterday and having all these plans for today...  I woke up sick.  This crap is getting old.  And why does it happen every time I start back up at the gym?  Every time I get a little momentum....My body aches all over.  My throat is sore.  Honestly this feels like Covid...  And my sister in Law had in when we were over at my Mom's place for Christmas.  She didn't know it, but she tested positive the next day.  Seriously though, what are the odds of one person having it three times?  I had it in November of 2020 and then again in July of 2021.  The second time was really bad.  Honestly, if I have it again I hope it just kills me.  I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

Pretty much every new years eve for the past ten years (with the exception of last year) I have wished it would be my last.  Last year was the first year I didn't in a really long time.  Z and I had so much fun last year n New Years Eve.  I remember thinking I won't ever be alone again on this day and it will always be like this.  Guess I was wrong.  Who knows though, maybe next year we will be together again on NYE. 

Right now I feel so defeated. 

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Posted (edited)

Last night was so depressing...  I was feeling so sick yesterday.  K came over for a little bit and that made me happy.  I haven't seen him all week.  He brought his laser tag guns and stuff and wanted to go outside and play laser tag with me in the yard.  But it was cold, raining and really muddy outside.  So we played inside for maybe ten minutes.  L and I drank a vodka and red bowl toast to Betty White.  Eli stopped over to give me some reference photos for a painting he hired me to do. 

Then K decided he wanted to go back to his Dad's house and L was furious with him.  But his reason for wanted to go was valid.  She doesn't keep up on giving the cats their flea meds and some fleas got on him.  I talked to L about getting them flea treated again.  They are do for it and I'm not going to live in a flea infested house.  Especially considering this is my house.  But K didn't want to be bitten by fleas, so he called his Dad to come and get him. 

So, I spent the evening watching movies alone, while L sat in her room and got wasted.  At around 11:30 my phone rang.  It was our friend Ken.  Him and I just talked a few days ago so I thought maybe he was called to wish me a happy new year or something.  I answer the phone and the conversation goes like this:  Me: Hello.  Him: Where are you? Me: At home.  Him: Where's L at? Me:  She's here too.  Him:  That b----, she lied to me.  Me:  (thinking oh God, what drama did I just start?) Well, as far as I know she's here.  I didn't hear her leave.  Him:  Well can you go check because she just told me she's all alone and wants to kill herself.  Me:  I'll go check on her and call you back.  So I hang up the phone and go to her room.  She was fine.  She told me he called her and asked her to go out with him and a bunch of his friends.  But she said she's drunk and not feeling up to it.  She also said he's an ass and she's about to block him. 

So I texted Ken and said everything is fine.  He replied, "I'm really bummed that you guys don't want some company."  I said, "No, you're bummed that L doesn't want company."  He said, "Well you should come and meet us down at *name of bar.*  I said, "Nah, I don't want to be a last resort for a bunch of drunk dudes.  Good luck finding girls to hang out with you.  Later."  He texted back "later."  Wow Ken... we've known each other since 2007.  Thanks for wishing me a happy new year.  Thanks for asking how I'm doing.  I appreciate it.  Idk... maybe I was too b*tchy to him.  It was obvious he was only asking me to come out and meet him and his friends because L wouldn't and he was desperate. 

Then... another friend of both of us, R, messaged me.  He said him and his wife were at one of the stores I consign at earler in the day and bought some of my prints.  I thanked him and asked him which ones, because I just put a bunch of new stuff in at that shop.  I like to know what's selling.  He told me and then said I've done a lot of new stuff since he last saw my work and he really likes all the new paintings.  I thanked him.  Then he says, "I really loved the one you did of L.  You should do more paintings of her, like nude ones and stuff."  All I could do was shake my head... like really?  R is married and over the summer he invited L and Z and I to his house when him and his wife were throwing a party.  L ended up not being able to go so just Z and I showed up.  He was pissed and didn't even try to hide how pissed he was.  Like wow... so sorry you're stuck with Z and I at your party because the girl you want to have an affair with wasn't able to come.  But anyway...  I told him I've never done any paintings of L.  The painting he was referring to is of a model named Morgin Riley.  Her and I talk and I actually have used a few of her photos as reference photos, with her permission. (My paintings come out looking nothing like the photos, though, I don't try to make them look the same.  It's more like just using the pose, etc as reference.)  I told him all of this and sent him a link to her Instagram.  He got all huffy with me.  Well sorry dude... if you want to see L naked just go ask her.  She sends naked pics of herself to lots of people.  Don't hide behind this whole ruse of liking my work, etc.  And did you forget that you're married? 

So, these two conversations just really brought my mood down.  I cried while watching the ball drop and then I went to bed. 

Last Year Z and I watched the ball drop together.  We kissed at midnight and she told me she never wants to spend another new years eve without me.  I'm sure she meant it at the time.  Who would have thought things would turn out how they did. 

So now I'm going to go to the gym and hopefully sweat out some frustration.  I'm feeling better today.  It must have been a 24 hour thing.  I still feel depressed and defeated.  I just hope there is some reward for all this suffering.  Amor Fati. 


Edited by Cynder
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