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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


Cynder
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13 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

I'm personally so so glad you chose to live. We have both been on this forum a long time. I still remember some things from long ago you've written. You are amazing in the resilience, strength, and determination you have. And you've inspired me, with your art and how you didn't let things get in the way of sharing that creativity and unique talent you have to offer this world.

Im rooting for you. I just want to say that. I know things are really difficult. I'm just sending so much good energy your way, I hope some reaches you ❤️

Wow, this means a lot.  I feel like my resilience is wearing thin lately, though.  There is only so much one person can handle.  But the Shamanic experiences I've had have taught me a few things that have gotten me through all of this.  And it's not even over yet.  I'm about to be unemployed again and who knows what chaos Z will bring into my life.  My year with her was the best year of my life, easily.  To have that suddenly end and feel so completely lost...  Then suddenly she's back.  Ok... so what now? 

My therapist made a comment about my body language at my last appointment.  She said slowly I was getting more and more relaxed at my appointments over the last few months.  Then Z starts talking to me again and now my body language has changed and according to her I looked scared sitting in her office. 

I have friends who are into supernatural stuff who think Z is some kind of bringer of doom.  I'm not joking either, lol.  I've had more than one person say things like, "Well, things were getting better, then she comes back around and suddenly you lose you're job and you have a staph infection."  I don't think me losing my job and having a staph infection have anything to do with her. 

My art has suffered over the last few months, too.  My work comes from a place of joy.  I don't need to suffer to make art.  Over the last four months I've done three paintings.  One was of Pennywise.  I did that one around Halloween. 

But the other two...  one was of a fly feeding on a bloody wound.  The other was one of myself, naked, cut up and bloody, with a huge black hole in my chest.  L came into my studio when I was painting that one and said, "I don't like it."  I didn't even turn around.  I just kept working and said, "It's not for you to like."  This was maybe a week after I went to the hotel. 

I'm just rambling.  I actually have to force myself to paint now because I have some holiday commissions to get through. 

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18 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

That painting sounds powerful, and that's so true, it's not for someone to like or not like, it's you expressing what you feel! 

I look forward to reading more of your entries. Thinking of you. 

It's a really unsettling painting.  Even the pose is disturbing.  And now that it's done I'm really not sure what to do with it.  It's too personal to sell.  It's too upsetting to hang in my house.  There is a gallery in my area that has a show every year dedicated to recovery.  I thought about submitting it to that show.  I had a painting in that show two years ago called Isolation.  It was about the isolation a sexual abuse survivor feels.  It was a gray wash background with really dark red paint dripping down the canvas, and then two black handprints in the center.  Like pushing against a wall. 

If Z ever asks me how I felt when she left, I won't even bother answering with words.  I will just show her a picture of that painting (The naked bloody one, not the Isolation one) and say, "This is how I felt." 

The fly painting I did has a lot of significance, too.  I won't say exactly what the name is she uses online.  But she is active in some online gaming communities.  And the name she uses is a certain species of fly that feeds on wounds and living matter.  So I did this really creepy painting of that species of fly sucking blood from an open wound.  I did post that one online.  I had multiple people interested in buying it.  I don't know if I want that kind of bad juju out there in the universe.  That's another one that I'm really not sure what to do with. 

Z was the only person I ever really considered to be a Muse.  And even after she left, she continued to be that.  That's something I wonder how she would feel about if she knew.  When we were together I did a lot of beautiful paintings of her and I wrote a lot of poetry about her.  I did a painting of her as a Fairy that is still one of my best selling prints ever.  My plan was to introduce it at Pagan Pride last year.  And I still did.  But she left right before that.  So, introducing that painting wasn't as happy a thing as I thought it would be.  It was hanging right outside my tent and people kept asking me about it all weekend.  Rather then go the negative route and say "Yea that's my ex..."  I kept telling people it's the love of my life.  Because she is.  They didn't need to know the current circumstances. 

I did another painting of her and I as angels.  Since L and K lived downstairs and Z and I lived upstairs in my house, the Angel painting hung right at the top of the stairs.  Right after she left I took it down and put it in the upstairs hall closet.  Well, I didn't realize she was still coming and going here when I was at work, and she came and got a bunch of stuff out of the hall closet the following day.  I hope when she saw that painting sitting in there she realized the impact her actions had on me.

And then... the things I've written since she's been gone.  One night when her and I were sitting out on the porch, she told me something that happened to her as a teenager.  And for some reason, after she left, I felt compelled to make that into a short story.  Obviously I changed some things. 

But then... out of that story came another story.  And then another story.  And then another story.  And now I have the better part of a novel written and it was all inspired by this one story she told me one night when we were talking out on the porch. 

I still don't know if I should tell her about this.  I mean... if we were to get back together I would have to tell her.  But if we don't she never has to know.  The thing that would make it hard for me to tell her is that the character I based on her is male.  But the original story she told me that started all of this happened when she was a teenager and not even aware of her own gender identity yet.  At the time she was male.  And so the character in the story is male.  This character ages as time goes on and the bulk of the novel takes place when he is around 30.  I kept him male because it's easier to separate him from her.  I don't feel like I'm just writing about my ex girlfriend.  I'm writing about some guy character I created. 

This is something I've even felt strongly enough about to diuscuss with my therapist.  Like... if Z and I are a couple again at some point... I'm genuinely afraid of how she would handle knowing I wrote this whole novel that was inspired by something she told me and that I based this male character on her. 

Inspiration is something I've thought a lot about lately... My ex husband and I were together 11 years.  He is the most creative person I've ever been involved with.  I mean... his creativity and his motivation to be creative rivaled mine.  And in the end that was something that contributed to our downfall. 

But as a musician, he was always writing songs about women.  Him and some friends went to the strip club once.  And some stripper who's stage name was Enigma gave him a lapdance.  He wrote multiple songs about her.  He had a crush on the receptionist at his work.  He wrote songs and erotic stories about her.  Secretly, I always wanted him to write something about me.  But he never did. 

Z was about as creative as him.  But she didn't have the same level of drive he had.  She was creative.  But she didn't really put much time into her creative pursuits.  When she wasn't at work she would rather sleep or play video games.  Which is fine.  She's an adult.  She can spend her time how she wants.  But then she complained a lot about having all these ideas and never doing anything with them.  I would tell her, "Well, just one day a week, don't play any games and do something creative."  She had all these excuses.  I understand it's hard to get motivated.  There are days when I can't paint anything to save my life and I would rather just play games and/or watch youtube all day. 

But anyway... she wrote a lot of poetry and stories and stuff, too.  And I always wished she would write something about me.  If she ever did I didn't know about it. 

I don't think I will ever know how it feels to inspire someone I am romantically involved with.  I always wanted to be someone's Muse.  I think that's something I will just have to give up on.  And my Muse left me and despite everything she put me through I want her back. 

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Trying to come up with a way to stop myself from creeping on Z's facebook.  Since we unblocked each other I'm sure she's creeping all over mine too.  But that doesn't mean I should be doing it.  It's unhealthy and I need to stop.  We are both in a group for LGBTQ people in our state.  Now that she's not blocked anymore I can see her posts in there, too.  She posted recently saying she is a pro-op MtF trans woman looking to make friends.  She specified that she isn't looking to hook up or date anyone, though, which I was relieved to see.  Yes, it's a free country and she is free to do what she wants with who she wants.  But seeing her try to hook up with other people would be uncomfortable for me.  I'm sure it would be for her too if the situation was reversed.  I've thought about leaving that group for the time being. 

There are days when I really do wish I could just turn off my feelings for her.  Then there are other days when I see beauty in the feelings I still have for her. 

She also was complaining on FB about how she never goes clubbing anymore.  I had to laugh about that.  The whole time we were together she complained about not going clubbing.  And I would always tell her, "Well, we can go this weekend.  You want to?" And then she would never want to go.  Idk... I think she is one of those people who needs something to complain about.  She complained about a lot of things that could have been easily fixed.  But she would rather complain than fix the issue.  It seemed like she resented me for never going clubbing.  Well, I haven't been in the picture for months, and she's still not going clubbing.  So hopefully she realizes now I had nothing to do with her lack of clubbing.  I love clubbing.  I am always down for it. 

There are so many things I want to say to her. 

In my experience, things don't work out.  The worst that could happen can and will happen.  The guy never gets the girl.  The girl never gets the girl either.  The bullies don't get their karma.  The underdog never wins.  Life isn't like the movies. 

When I met her and when we fell in love, I thought this was what I had been waiting for all my life.  It felt like ok... all my other relationships have been practice.  This is how love is supposed to be.  She was so different from everyone else.  People act like I should hate her for what she did.  And maybe I should. 

It would be one thing if she abused me and treated me like garbage all through our relationship and then ghosted me.  But she didn't.  My year with her was the happiest time of my life.  Tonight my therapist asked me what I miss about her.  I didn't even know where to start...  The conversations we used to have for hours... Her sense of humor.  Her smile.  Her laugh.  The way it took us forever to get through one episode of a show because we kept pausing it to talk.  The stupid inside jokes we had like eating at Carl's Jr. and then throwing the trash away at Arby's (yes, that was a thing.  I don't even remember how it got started but that was a running joke.  And then on rare occasions when we got Arby's we always had to throw the trash away at Carl's Jr.)  Random stuff like running around barefoot in the yard in the winter just to feel what snow feels like in bare feet.  I miss her singing to me.  I miss sleeping beside her.  All the synchronicity in our lives that we bonded over.  The way we always knew when the other was having a bad day just by the look in their eyes.  She never judged me for anything. 

I could go on... but the point is the things I miss are way more than the things I don't miss.  The biggest thing I don't miss is that she could be obnoxious at times.  And I'm not the only one that thought that.  Sometimes she just had this annoying side that would show its face.  And she would think she's being really funny... but no one else thought so.  That and the complaining I mentioned above...  Those are the things I don't miss. 

If anyone is wondering, K has no idea her and I are talking again.  I won't do that to him.  When she left he was heartbroken too because they were really close.  I still remember him crying his eyes out asking me why she had to leave and when she's coming back.  So... if there is any hope for us, she can apologize to me face to face and then we can see where things go.  But when the time is right I will ask her to apologize to him, too. 

That kid already has enough issues.  I don't need to give him more to worry about. 

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Yesterday I was feeling a little under the weather... This morning I woke up feeling like crap.  I have to push through it though and go to work other wise there's a chance I won't get my severance pay.  I'm not even off my antibiotics yet for my staph infection.  I really wish life would stop sucking for a little bit.  It would be nice if I could have a couple good days.  Or even just one good day.  Life has sucked since August. 

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So, the lady who works next to me at work has MRSA.  Now all I can think is I wonder if I gave it to her.  I didn't get a diagnosis at urgent care.  Urgent care just took one look at it and said it's a staph infection, here's some antibiotics.  Well, MRSA causes staph infections. 

People always think of diseases spreading in healthcare facilities.  Factories usually aren't thought of as breeding grounds for bacteria.  But they are.  Especially on an assembly line type job that I do.  Before I found out I had an infection... how many times did I touch my tattoo, then touch parts, then send the parts down to her?  That's the kind of thing you never really think about.  My tattoo hurt so bad before I went to the doc.  I would rub it just to soothe it and make it feel better.  I was getting that crap everywhere.  It's been covered up ever since I went to urgent care.  Not just with bandages but I wear an arm warmer over the bandages, too. 

And today I woke up so sick.  I almost didn't go to work.  It feels like the flu.  This is just so great, lol. 

And over the weekend the wind was really strong here and it blew the side of my porch off.  Wonder how much that's going to cost to fix.  Right now my house looks so trashy.  And it will probably look like that for a while until I can afford to fix the porch. 

I just love my life.  Lol...

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8 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Now all I can think is I wonder if I gave it to her.  I didn't get a diagnosis at urgent care.  Urgent care just took one look at it and said it's a staph infection, here's some antibiotics.  Well, MRSA causes staph infections. 

Hmmm. It's possible. I can see how a disease could spread like that an assembly line. But the more important part is that she is properly treated.

My dad contracted MRSA at the Mayo clinic while he was having vascular surgery. It almost killed him. My sister's friend randomly contracted MRSA, too. No one has any idea how she got it. Wrong place at the wrong time, I guess!

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21 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Hmmm. It's possible. I can see how a disease could spread like that an assembly line. But the more important part is that she is properly treated.

My dad contracted MRSA at the Mayo clinic while he was having vascular surgery. It almost killed him. My sister's friend randomly contracted MRSA, too. No one has any idea how she got it. Wrong place at the wrong time, I guess!

Yea, I hope I didn't sound callous in my post.  She's off work for the rest of the week.  Work has been made aware of her condition.  So I can only assume she's being treated.  But also... if she has it then that means I could have it too.  What a time to be without medical insurance. 

I know how deadly it can be.  Glad your Dad is ok. 

I've had COVID twice.  Yep... twice.  I had it in November of 2020 and then again in July of 2021.  The second time involved time in the hospital.  And right after I got over it and was back to work Z left... and then four days after that I lost my job. 

I really wish whatever bad luck entity has attached itself to me would go find another host.  There are child molesters in the world.  There are rapists.  There are wife beaters.  There are murders.  Animal abusers.  Etc.  Go bother them for a while will you.  Lol.  

 

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52 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Yea, I hope I didn't sound callous in my post.

No, I didn't think that.

53 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Glad your Dad is ok.

Well, he actually did die (about 12 years ago)... but not of MRSA!!!

54 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I really wish whatever bad luck entity has attached itself to me would go find another host. 

Yikes, what a run. The bad luck demons should be done with you by now!

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The last couple of pages have been a tough read... But also heartening that you've been strong and kept getting back up again.

Look after yourself. Especially when meeting Z again. I'm sure Z has no intentions to hurt you but you should still build a little bit of protection around your heart, lest you inadvertently rush into something.

I hope you and Z can have a future together, but it has to be when you are over her from before she left. The hole she left is no longer the right shape for her to just come back into your life and fill it again, life is constantly remoulding people and it has for you both. It needs to heal itself, not to say she can't help it heal but there's no quick fix.

Be safe

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11 hours ago, Carnatic said:

The last couple of pages have been a tough read... But also heartening that you've been strong and kept getting back up again.

Look after yourself. Especially when meeting Z again. I'm sure Z has no intentions to hurt you but you should still build a little bit of protection around your heart, lest you inadvertently rush into something.

I hope you and Z can have a future together, but it has to be when you are over her from before she left. The hole she left is no longer the right shape for her to just come back into your life and fill it again, life is constantly remoulding people and it has for you both. It needs to heal itself, not to say she can't help it heal but there's no quick fix.

Be safe

Wow, I haven't seen you on here in forever.  Hope life has been good to you.  🙂

Yea, I hope we still have a future together too.  I can't imagine being with anyone else.  When we got together I remember thinking all my life I've been doing it wrong.  And now I know what love is supposed to be. 

Before her, everyone lied.  Everyone cheated.  I was always everyone's second choice or their last resort.  I was never good enough for anyone.  And then with her it was different.  I knew I found the one person who would never treat me that way.  I finally felt like I was enough for someone.  And then suddenly she was gone.

There is nothing I did that justifies what she did.  I am perfectly willing to own my part in any problems we had.  I know I'm not perfect.  But nothing I did justifies her just disappearing like she did.

I wish I could say that I am this awesome new and improved version of myself now.  But I'm not.  So much energy has gone into processing everything bad that's happened over the last four months that I haven't had much energy to improve myself.  I'm trying. 

Even small things like going to the gym.  I started back up at the gym about a month ago.  And then I got really sick.  And then I ended up having to work all this overtime, and then Thanksgiving.  So I figured I'll start back at the gym after Thanksgiving.  So I did.  Then I got a staph infection.  It's like every time I start on anything positive... something happens and I get knocked right back down. 

I know I'm strong.  But I'm getting tired of having to pick myself back up.  Why can't I just be happy for once? 

 

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Tonight the sunset was really beautiful.  I was too sick to go to work today, so I've been in my room resting all day.  I had a perfect view of it from my bedroom window.  I really wanted to take a picture of it and send it to Z...  That's something we used to do when she worked at night.  Whenever there was a pretty sunset, one of us would always send a pic to the other one. 

I didn't do it. 

I don't know exactly what the etiquette is here.  I've been letting her initiate contact because I don't know if I should be contacting her or not. 

Earlier I was in bed taking a nap and my cat pushed the bedroom door open.  As I was waking up I saw my door slowly opening.  And that was something else that reminded me of her.  Once again, back when she worked at night and I had to be up really early in the morning...  she would come home around 10PM and I would be laying in my room watching TV before going to sleep.  She was always so quiet coming up the stairs.  But I would look up and just see my door opening really slow.   She always opened it slow because she didn't want to wake me up if I was already sleeping.  But she would always come into my room and kiss me goodnight.  Sometimes she would get in bed and cuddle for a little bit and tell me about work that night.  Sometimes we would fool around... 

Her reaching out to me really opened up some wounds.  Not that they were healed yet.  But they were starting to. 

I just hope there is a reward for all this suffering.  Bad things just keep happening, one after another.  And if my life continues like this for much longer it might literally kill me.  For a long time, if I was going through a bad time, her and L were my people to lean on.  Now I don't have anyone.  Yes, L is still here but she pretty much ruined her relationship with me.  She says she needs me to keep being her sister.  Ok... I'll keep being her sister.  But there are things she needs to own up to and make up for. 

K is my only light right now.  But I can't lean on him. 

What I'm currently listening to is so appropriate for right now, lol. 

 

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So, Z and I actually talked for a long time tonight over messager.  A long time friend of hers passed away recently and she just found out.  She told me she's just been crying all day and wanted to go to his grave but just couldn't bring herself to go, and didn't want to go by herself.  I told her if she wants I will go with her, but only as a friend and a supporter.  No talk about our relationship, none of that.  I will go just to be a friend to her and support her. 

The conversation went on for a while.  She was telling me stories about her friend, etc.  But then we got talking about other stuff.  Not anything serious, just casual stuff about work, etc.  That was one thing... we never ran out of things to say, ever.  We could hold a conversation for hours and hours. 

She sent me a friend request... told me I didn't have to accept it if I wasn't comfortable with it.  But I did. 

I'm off work tomorrow.  Think I might sleep late... then spend the day cleaning and painting.  I just made a huge sale, too.  Someone I know bought 3 paintings from me. 

So... now it's time for Netflix... until I fall asleep. 

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I was off work yesterday and did so much cleaning.  This past week, with being sick and working 10+ hour shifts, the house was getting dirty.  My plan was to clean all day yesterday and then spend today and tomorrow painting.  So far it's been going well.  I have two commissions to finish before Christmas.  One still has a fair amount of work to go.  But I can probably have it mostly done by the end of the day tomorrow.  The other is about 98% complete.  But Chipotle' (my cat) was being evil in my art room and knocked it off the easel and tore the canvas.  So I spent a good amount of time today fixing it.  Had to run to the store to get more gesso because the only gesso I could find was about five years old and rock hard.  And of course the tear is on the most detailed part of the damn painting.  That's going to be fun to fix.  But it's not impossible. 

I don't even want to go and work these last four days as my job.  Got a couple new job leads.  I'm trying so hard to avoid going back to the factories.  I am the only breadwinner in my house.  Factories are about the only thing around here that pays a living wage.  So there's this feeling of being trapped.  The automotive industry is huge in my area. 

My life would be so much easier if I wasn't limited by not being able to drive.  It has limited my employment opportunities.  It has limited my social life.  It has caused problems in all my romantic relationships (except one and that was with Z.)  It just sucks that something that is optional in our society carries so much weight.  And people act like I'm just lazy and that's why I don't drive.  Laziness has nothing to do with it.  It's not safe for me to drive because I have no peripheral vision and I'm legally blind.  People don't seem to get that.

My first serious boyfriend was epileptic.  He didn't have grand mal seizures.  He had blackout seizures.  He would just space out and mumble random stuff and make weird gestures.  In the time I dated him I saw him have dozens of seizures.  (He had one when we were having sex once... that was interesting.)  But it amazed me that he was allowed to drive.  And his family didn't like me at all.  One of the reasons they didn't like me was because I can 't drive.  Their rationale was "Well if he can drive having seizures, then you should be able to drive."  They seemed to think it should be up to me to do all the driving between the two of us.  I just remember thinking, "What kind of parents/siblings are you if you want a legally blind woman driving your son/brother around?"  Idk... I would be really worried if someone I love was being driven around by someone like me. 

I had another ex who was so convinced I could drive and that I was just faking it.  After having so many debates about this one day I finally just said, "Ok, well give me your keys then, let's go for a ride."  Well of course he didn't want me driving his car, lol. 

Z was the only one that seemed to really get it and seemed to be genuinely concerned for my safety more than her own convenience.  I still don't understand why the Universe would bring someone like her into my life just to take them away.  But who knows... maybe her being away isn't permanent. 

I'm just so tired of everything going wrong. 

Currently listening to...

 

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11 hours ago, Cynder said:

He had blackout seizures.  He would just space out and mumble random stuff and make weird gestures. 

I knew someone who suffered from those. A girl I knew from horseback riding. She wasn't epileptic; it was the result of a car accident. It makes me sad to think about, actually. I watched her grow up. I was there for her first riding lessons. She was just a little tiny thing, about 11. She burst into tears because the horse she was riding (the slowest, most arthritic creature in the stable lol) took a few steps in a canter. But it was new for her, and scary. She didn't let that stop her, though. She stuck with it and became a skilled rider. It was great to see. But yeah, she got into this accident and started having these seizures. I didn't realize until she told me. She described it a lot like you do. She said I might not even realize she was having a seizure, but if she was acting weird, that was probably why. And no, she couldn't drive. 

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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I knew someone who suffered from those. A girl I knew from horseback riding. She wasn't epileptic; it was the result of a car accident. It makes me sad to think about, actually. I watched her grow up. I was there for her first riding lessons. She was just a little tiny thing, about 11. She burst into tears because the horse she was riding (the slowest, most arthritic creature in the stable lol) took a few steps in a canter. But it was new for her, and scary. She didn't let that stop her, though. She stuck with it and became a skilled rider. It was great to see. But yeah, she got into this accident and started having these seizures. I didn't realize until she told me. She described it a lot like you do. She said I might not even realize she was having a seizure, but if she was acting weird, that was probably why. And no, she couldn't drive. 

Was she still able to ride after the accident? 

My ex really shouldn't have been driving, either.  I was never in the car with him when he had a seizure.  (Which is surprising, considering we dated for years) but a good friend of our was once and he said it was really scary because my ex almost hit another car. 

He was on some pretty strong meds.  He acted delusional at times and was really paranoid.  When I was dating him I thought that's just how he was.  But looking back, I wonder if it was actually his personality or if some of the medication he was on was making him act that way.  He was convinced that I'm demon possessed, for one.  He would look at my sketchbooks and try to say there were demons in some of the drawings.  I write a lot.  He would read my short stories and swear that the characters in my stories were demons, etc. 

A friend of ours was suspicious that his girlfriend was cheating.  My ex and I went to see him at work one night on his break.  When we left my ex was talking about how he has eyes and ears all of the city and if she is cheating he will know.  He swore he had people on lookout all the time and that he told all his people to watch this guy's girlfriend to make sure she's not cheating, etc.  He also claimed I was being watched all the time by his people. 

I could go on and on about that relationship.  He definitely had some problems that were bigger than epilepsy. 

I'm sure people are wondering why I was even with him...  I was young and stupid.  Also, in the beginning I was kind of forced into it by my family.  My sister and my cousins and I went to a water park one day and he was there.  Him and my cousins knew each other.  My parents thought that since his family owns a business that they were rich.  So when he asked me out I didn't want to go.  Something about him just creeped me out.  But my parents were like, "No, you're going out with him whether you want to or not." 

So when we went out for the first time I did everything I could to turn him off.  I went out of my way to look unattractive, etc.  Three days went by and he didn't call.  I thought maybe I dodged him.  Then he called one night when I was about to finish a painting.  I took the call in the kitchen when my Mom was right there cooking dinner.  I told him I can't talk right now because I'm painting.  Art was my entire life that whole summer.  I had a part time job at the grocery store, and all my money went to buy art supplies, pretty much.  But when we got off the phone my Mom starts lecturing me about how I shouldn't be such a B- to him because guys have feelings too, etc. 

That could have been such a good lesson in empowerment.  My Mom could have said, "Hey, go you, don't ever put what you want aside for some guy."  But instead it was the other way around.  It was bad that I would rather paint then talk to some guy who is coming on way too strong and is obsessed with me after meeting me twice.  If only I knew then what I know now. 

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So yea... here I am about to write about something else.  Really it's procrastination...  I have to go to the grocery store and finish two paintings and right now I'm just not motivated to do any of that. 

Since Z left I have barely painted anything.  I just haven't had it in me that much.  My work comes from joy, it doesn't come from suffering.  But, I write my best stuff when I'm suffering.  I became a published author at the age of 12.  I know technically anything put out on the internet is published.  So therefore anyone who has ever posted a status on Facebook or Twitter is a published author if you really want to split hairs.  But my family was dead set against the internet when I was growing up.  My school had a writing contest when the best story in every class won something and the best story in the school would be published.  Well I won.

When I went to college I debated back and forth about being an art major or an English major.  When I was a teenager being a writer was the one thing I aspired to until my family pretty much bullied it out of me.  I was told everything I write sucks and that I will never be good at it so just stop trying. 

Well, year later I actually started writing again.  I have two series I've been developing since around 2012.  One is a series that takes place in a town that is based on my hometown.  That one is heavily focused on crime and mental illness.  The other one is a series that takes place about 300 years in the future.  That one is also pretty crimecentric. 

But, the one that takes place in the town based on my town.  That one might never be finished... because I just keep adding more characters, and more arcs, etc. 

Well, after Z left I remembered this one story she told me one night about something that happened to her as a teenager.  I was really depressed one night.  This was when I was unemployed and it was only a couple weeks after she left.  I decided to turn what she told me into a short story.  It was 6 pages long and really violent.  I posted it on a this one writing subreddit I visit a lot.  And I actually got a PM from some random stranger on Reddit who was asking me if I'm ok and if I need any help. 

Well, out of that story came another story.  And then another story.  And now I have this whole novel in the works.  And the people who have seen it all say it's really good.  And these aren't just friends who are saying that to be nice.  They are strangers on Reddit.  They don't have to be nice to me.  And Reddit is a site known for it's toxicity and mean people.  If it was awful, people on Reddit would tell me, for sure. 

And only that one story that started it all is based on anything that has actually happened to Z.  And I made a lot of changes to it.  I didn't just write what she told me.  I took what she told me and made it a lot more violent and scary.  It was like, well she told me this happened... But what it would have been this that happened instead? 

And the character that is one of the main players in the whole thing is heavily based on her.  But I kept that character male.  The first story happened when she was still male.  So that character stayed male. 

Now I feel like if there is a chance of us patching things up... I will have to tell her I did this.  I feel like it could go one of two ways.  Either she is flattered and thinks it's pretty cool.  Or she is livid.  The thing that would piss her off is that I based a male character on her. 

At the time I never thought I would see or speak to her again.  This was one of my biggest coping mechanisms that got me through.  Whenever I would write a new chapter and post it on Reddit...  I would see people actually discussing my work like people sit on forums and discuss professional authors' work.  It gave me something to look forward to.  I would post something in the morning before leaving for work.  And throughout the day I would get all these notifications...  People talking about what I posted.  And instead of going home crying about how awful my life is, I went home and read the things people were saying about something I created. 

And I'm till writing it.  I just wonder if this could ruin everything... 

I know I would be flattered as hell if someone was this inspired by anything that came out of my mouth.  I've never inspired anyone in that way.  I was watching a Documentary not too long about Lewis Carrol and Alice Little (the little girl who inspired Alice in Wonderland.)  I wonder how the real Alice felt knowing she inspired something so iconic?

I doubt anything I write will ever be that iconic.  But still...  If it gets to the point where I have to tell her, that's going to be a hard conversation for me.  

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3 hours ago, Cynder said:

Was she still able to ride after the accident? 

Yes! It's a very nice story actually. At least to a point. Her mom was able to buy the riding school & the horses when the old lady who owned the farm died back in 2012. So, my friend ran the place for a few years until the old lady's kids decided to sell the farm. Then the story turned sad again, partially because my friend had to find another place to work, but mostly because many of the horses had to be sold when the school was dissolved. I still think about a lot of those horses and worry about them. I loved them and hope they are ok.

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2 hours ago, Cynder said:

Well, after Z left I remembered this one story she told me one night about something that happened to her as a teenager.  I was really depressed one night.  This was when I was unemployed and it was only a couple weeks after she left.  I decided to turn what she told me into a short story.  It was 6 pages long and really violent.

Have you every read anything by Poppy Z. Brite?

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Z posted some Meme on her Facebook about not believing in love anymore.  Funny thing is I posted the same one about a month ago.  I haven't really lost all my belief in love and I doubt she has either.  Also, she is the one who left me, not the other way around.  I just posted about not wanting to look at her Facebook.  But now that we are friends again on there and I can see what she posts...  Maybe I should keep her on my friends list but unfollow her for the time being.  That way we will still be friends but I won't see her posts.  Treading this carefully is a little exhausting.  Trying to stay close enough to be relevant, but far enough to not get my heart ripped out again. 

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5 hours ago, Cynder said:

No, I haven't.  But I just did some quick research about him and now I want to. 

My college roommate and I both read Lost Souls. That was probably 1996 or 1997. It was a good book. A little too dark and violent for my tastes, but good nonetheless. 

I think it was from that book that she and I discovered the band 22 Brides. Nobody else on the planet has ever heard of this band, but (bizarrely) the tape was available in the local record store right around the time that we read the book. We bought it and really liked it. It was folksy/countryish and not really my thing, but good is good.

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19 hours ago, Jibralta said:

My college roommate and I both read Lost Souls. That was probably 1996 or 1997. It was a good book. A little too dark and violent for my tastes, but good nonetheless. 

I think it was from that book that she and I discovered the band 22 Brides. Nobody else on the planet has ever heard of this band, but (bizarrely) the tape was available in the local record store right around the time that we read the book. We bought it and really liked it. It was folksy/countryish and not really my thing, but good is good.

I will have to check that out.  I love putting references to music and stuff in my stories.  But apparently it's not something a lot of readers love.  If I describe a bar where Don't Fear the Reaper is playing on the jukebox, I usually get told I shoul;d cut that stuff out because no one cares what's playing. 

In one of my more recent stories there is a Russian Roulette scene.  There was so much discussion about the Colt revolver that was being used.  There were some people who thought saying the brand name was a huge statement about the owner of the gun,  (which was actually my intention) and then there were some other people who thought saying the brand of gun took away from the mood.  It sparked this whole debate amongst readers.  I loved it. 

I had more than one person say that scene gave them nightmares and someone even said it was the most intense thing they've ever read.  Idk...  having a small fanbase on reddit isn't anything to be proud of.  The only author I'm aware of who achieved any real notoriety through internet fandom is EL James.  And I don't want to be clustered anywhere even close to her.  50 Shades is terrible on so many levels. 

And most of the people who read my stuff on Reddit assume I'm a guy.  I take that as a huge compliment.  There seems to be this assumption that women write about romance, and guys write about everything else.  I don't even bother making my gender known over there.  My username is gender neutral for a reason. 

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So right now I am literally waiting for paint to dry.  I'm in my art room. 

It amazes me, what is deemed offensive on Facebook and what isn't.  I got in trouble on there once for using the term whitewashing while talking about historical movies.  That's hate speech.  The term lynch mob, even if used just as a figure of speech and not in any racial context will get someone in trouble there too.  But, using someone's full name and saying you wish they were dead apparently is fine.  Someone I know has done this to me a few times now, every time it's been reported.  Nothing has ever been done. 

I feel like I want to write the whole story here of this person and I.  There are a lot of things that happened to me over the last four months that I want to tell the full story of.  This is one thing. 

So, I'm going to refer to this person as Ed.  It's not his real name.  His real name is unique and unusual, which would make it easy to find him.  And it also starts with an L.  And since I'll be referring to my friend/roommate a lot in this story too and I call her L, I don't want another L.  So, he is Ed because it's easy to type.

So, way back in the day when I was still heavily involved with the indie film scene, my friend May (not her real name) had a party.  I was at this party when I met Ed and his girlfriend Jodi.  (Also not her real name.) 

I was sitting in a corner talking to them for a long time.  And we all decided we wanted to go outside and smoke.  Well, I had had a few drinks by that point and back then I was not always the most tactful person.  Ed stood up and I noticed how tall he is, and without even stopping to think I was like, "Damn you're tall!"  He is 6'8''.  When he was sitting it just didn't really register with me how tall he was.  He told me later on down that line when we knew each other a lot better that he thought I was really rude for saying that.  I kinda was, though. 

So, I became good friends with Ed and Jodi.  We went out and took a lot of pictures together.  We would go to abandoned places and take pictures, etc.  Ed even had a role in a short film I made where he played a drag queen named Chablis.  Jodi worked at Chipotle.  When she was working Ed and I would go int here and drink a few Beers and he would do this thing where he would see how many bottles of hot sauce he could steal.  He only ever took sealed bottles, though.  And then Jodi would sneak them back in there with her when she went to work.  It wasn't even really about the theft.  It was more just a joke.  Like, how many can he hide on his body and walk out with. 

Well, after being friends for years, Ed and Jodi decided to move back to Ed's home town, about a thousand miles away.  We kept in touch online.  

They split up about two years later.  Jodi moved back here and we are still friends.  We hang out once in a while.   Ed and I have kept in touch online all this time.  We talked pretty regularly.  Messager, text, and occasionally talking on the phone.  Jodi always said he had some real problems.  But since I met them at the same time, and always had an equal friendship with them I remained neutral.  I didn't have any more loyalty to one or the other.  She said Ed had some real anger issues.  The only time I ever saw him get even a little mad was at me, actually.  And it was because he had a cat that had been injured and only had three legs.  And I called his cat a tripod once just being funny.  He didn't think it was funny.  But we talked about it.  I apologized, etc. 

And, there was a time when him and I both were single that we even flirted a little with each other.  It never went beyond that though.  I always thought he was attractive.  He always thought I was attractive, etc.  At one point he was even considering moving back here and at the time I didn't have a roommate.  So we talked about him living with me.  Just as friends. 

Well, a few years ago he got married.  All good.  His wife added me on Facebook.  We would talk once in a while.  No problem. 

Well, thing started changing within the last year or so. 

Ed and L (my roommate and good friend) were acquaintances when he lived up here, but they didn't really know each other.  They met a couple times, though me.  This will come into play here shortly.

So, Z and I start dating.  One night around my birthday, Ed calls me up and we are chatting on the phone.  We were up in Z's room and she was gaming at the time.  Ed is a gamer too, and I ended up putting him on speaker and we all three talked for a while.  Him and Z added each other on XBox live and on Facebook.  They got along real well.  So, he started talking about him and his wife coming up here to see us. 

Well, then L enters the story.  I am not sure who first started talking to who.  But Ed and L start talking.  And soon they were having what was basically an online affair.  Keep in mine, Ed is married.  L has a boyfriend.  Soon they are sexting, sending dirty pics and videos.  The visit that was going to happen... well, it's no longer Ed and his wife coming up here to hang out with Z and I.  Now Ed is coming up here by himself and lying to his wife about why.  And he plans to spend a week in a hotel room with L and they are going to film some home made porn, etc. 

Meanwhile Jodi is still kind of on the outer edge of all this, warning us all that Ed has problems. 

At this point Z and I hardly ever talked to him.  He was completely smitten with L and he was talking about leaving his wife for her.  And he's just going to come here, move into my house and we are all going to live happily ever after.  L never ran any of this by me.  She just had this idea that her and Ed were going to be together and live this fairy tale life.  Him living here wouldn't have necessarily been a problem.  My main concerns were is he going to help out with bills, and how much drama are we going to deal with every day.  Because L is a magnet for drama.  And considering they started as an affair, how healthy is their relationship really going to be? 

Well, then Z leaves.  About two weeks later, Ed messaged me and asked me if I was ok.  I told him no.  And out of the dozen or so people that kept me alive during that time, he actually became one of my favorite people to talk to. 

Whatever was going on between him and L ended before that.  I don't know the details.  I figured if either of them wanted me to know they would tell me.  And at that time, L was MIA.  This was a time when I felt like I needed her most.  But she just disappeared for weeks after Z left and I was here all by myself.  She was at her boyfriend's house.  I know it's a free country.  And I know it's not up to anyone to prop me up.  But she claims I'm her sister.  Idk, if roles were reversed I wouldn't have just disappeared for several weeks when my supposed sister is going through the worst time of her life. 

And the reason Ed because one of my favorite people to talk to is because he was so much more optimistic than everyone else.  Most people were taking the "Forget her and move on" stance.  He was more like, "Well, I know she still cares about you.  Just give it time.  i'm sure you two will work things out.  Just be patient."  And he was still friends with her and talking to her, too.  So, he is telling me this stuff and I am thinking, "Well, maybe she told him she want to work things out, etc..." 

So, out of everyone he was the person I liked talking to the most.  And then one night things started changing.  He was talking about coming up here to visit.  And then he launches into this whole thing about how he won't be staying with me, though, he will be staying with Z.  Why?  Because he refuses to stay with someone who is so anti weed and who looks down on pot smokers.  Ok...  I'm not anti weed and I don't look down on pot smokers.  I just couldn't do it for a long time because my old job random drug tested.  But I had no problem with other people doing it. 

Then not too long after that he felt the need to start reporting to me every single thing him and Z talked about and everything she posted, etc.  I started asking him not to do that.  And I think he was making some of it up, too.  Because he would tell me she said she misses me and hopes we work things out.  Then he would tell me she hates me said she wishes I was dead.  It got to the point where I dreaded him messaging me.  I would ask him not to tell me anything about her.  And he would.  There was one night he was doing that and I called him.  I figured maybe if he actually hears my voice, he might get the hint and stop it. 

Well, we were talking on messager.  I called and he picks up the phone and immediately starts berating me and cussing at me for interrupting him and his wife while they were having sex.  Ok, I don't believe that, because him and I were talking on messager three minutes before that.  What was she on top riding him while he was on the computer?  Idk, I supposed a lot can happen in three minutes when two people are really willing.  But I just don't buy it. 

Then the next day he starts going off on me about how his wife is so pissed off at me because I stopped her from finishing.  Like really...?  He was saying when they come up here his wife is going to come and kick my ass.  And they will be able to find my house because Z will tell them where I live.  At this point I laughed it off because it was just so ridiculous.  So Z is going to tell them where i live and his wife is going to come to my house and beat my ass over one lost orgasm?  Ok... is she aware that's assault?  And since she's going to come onto my property and do this it's also criminal trespassing. 

The next day I sent him this long message telling him my mental health can't handle any more of this.  I don't want to hear any more about Z.  I don't want any more threats.  After all these years of friendship, please. 

And now L decides to get involved and she told him, "Hey, seriously, leave her alone.  She can't take much more of this from you..."  And I know exactly what was said because she (L) sent me screenshots.) 

Then over the next few days, Ed just goes completely apesh-- on me in messages.  Calling me the B word, the C word, saying I'm pathetic.  Saying I should have done the world a favor in the hotel room and killed myself.  Telling me it's not too late, I still could do it.  Telling me that it's amazing Z put up with me for a year.  Telling me to eat sh-- and die.  Telling me I lied about being molested and I make real victims looks bad.  I mean, he said some really below the belt things.  I tried to reason with him at first.  I asked him things like, "Where is this coming from?  Why are you so pissed off at me?  What is your end game in all this?  But it just became more of a dumpster fire.  So I blocked him on messager.  I didn't block him on Facebook entirely though because I wanted to be able to see his posts, just incase the cops need to get involved.  I want to be able to screenshot everything, etc.  And I also made it so he can't see any of my posts.  

Well, then he just started posting all this really nasty stuff about me right on Facebook.  Using my name and everything.  It's all been screenshotted.  It's all been reported.  Facebook didn't do crap because they said he didn't actually make any threats.  And he posted a lot of stuff about L too.  He posted the Suicide Commando song Die MotherF-- Die a couple times and dedicated it to me with lines like, "This stupid b-- needs to go kill herself.  Who agrees with me?"   No one responded to any of this stuff.  None of these posts got any likes or comments. 

Then he posted something and used my nephew's name.  I texted him and said, "Please don't bring my nephew into this.  Whatever problem you have with me I can't help.  But he doesn't need his name drug into this."  That post disappeared. 

Then, things fizzled out.  He is still on my lists just so I can keep an eye on him.  And Jodi and I talked while all this was going on.  Jodi is terrified of him.  She said he's been threatening to come to town and murder her and her husband for years. 

Well, after a long time of quiet... suddenly the nasty posts about me have started again out of nowhere.  I'm guessing it's because he noticed that Z and I are friends again on there.  I know he religiously reads my profile... because for a while he was responding to things I would post on his profile.  Like... I could post a painting I did and then on his profile he would post something like, "That painting looks like sh--.  I know 5 year olds with more artistic talent than you.  Go kill yourself B--" 

Z has liked a few of my posts over the last few days.  He probably noticed that and now he's pissed off again. 

I still am scratching my head.  I know they say if you keep smelling crap check your shoe.  But I thought I eliminated a lot of the crap from my circle and also worked on the crap parts of myself.  I have no idea what he suddenly go up his ass. 

Earlier this week he posted something really nasty about me, using my real name, and how he just tried to help me but I'm too crazy for help.  I was so tempted to respond with some screenshots and be like, "This is you trying to help?"  He posted a while back about how much he loves his wife and how I will never have anyone who loves me again.  I was so tempted to respond and say something like, "Oh yea, your wife who you were ready to leave for L not too long ago?  Does she know about the home made porn you were planning on making with L, too?"  But I won't give him the satisfaction.  He wants a reaction. 

Jeez this was long...  If anyone actually read through all of that, kudos to you, lol. 

 

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