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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


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I haven't written much lately because I've been working my ass off getting ready for OC Indianapolis.  Yea, I still have 7 weeks to go.  But since they are so damn picky and I'm already hanging by a thread with them, I have to basically create a whole new body of work just for that show.  So I'm trying to crank out as many paintings as possible.  Honestly if that show wasn't such a huge money maker, I wouldn't bother.  The people who run it are kind of a pain int he ass.  But, putting in a 6 hour work day and making a few thousand dollars makes it worth dealing with their crap.  The firs OC event I did I didn't even have time to change before things got crazy.  We set up the morning of, so I was in jeans and a T-Shirt with no makeup, etc.  My plan was to go and change and pretty up after the booth was done being set up.  But before the show even started officially, there were already a dozen or so people in the booth wanting to buy stuff.  And it was like that all day. So I did the whole show in my setup clothes. 

They market their event as being an event that showcases all kinds of non traditional art.  They are all, "Yes, we are the all things wacky and weird show! Come and see all the strange and unusual art!"  They are so strict about how every booth looks and about how the vendors themselves look that it almost seems hypocritical.  They banned me at the end of 2019 because according to them my booth didn't look Goth enough for their show.  Practically everything in my booth is black or purple.  Idk how Goth they want it.  Do they want me to bring a bunch of Halloween decorations with me next time? 

After some brown nosing and sending them a bunch of pics of my booth, I finally was able to talk them into letting me back in, but they demoted me to the smallest booth possible.  I had a 10x15 booth there for multiple shows.  Now I'm in a 6x8 booth. 

And when you walk around at these events, about a third of the booths there are selling taxidermy.  What's so Goth about Taxidermy?  I grew up in the midwest where everybody and their brother is a hunter.  Seeing Deer heads on walls is really normal in my part of the world.  So maybe it's just normalized for me, idk.  I've never seen a deer head on someone's wall and thought, "OMG, that's so Goth!" 

And then about another third of the booths there are selling New Age, Wiccan, Spirituality related stuff. 

So only about a third of the vendors are artists.  I realize that Taxidermy takes a lot of skill and craftsmanship, but I don't think of it as art.  Mainly because a taxidermist is taking a dead animal and stuffing it.  It doesn't require the same level of creativity as doing a painting or a sculpture, etc. 

And, from what I've seen a lot of the art being sold there isn't Gothic either.  So I don't know what their obsession is with everyone's booth having to look so Goth.  And I'm all about the Goth subculture.  I've been into that look and all that since I was a teenager.  It's not that I have a problem with it.  It just doesn't make a ton of sense in this context. 

And then you have people like my ex, D, who doesn't adhere to that at all but still gets to sell there and as far as I know no one has said a thing to him about his look/the look of his booth.  His booth has the look of an old country fair booth.  His displays are all wooden.  He uses green and brown table covers.  And he also dresses really preppy at shows.  Why is it that the rest of the vendors have to look a certain way but he doesn't?  I'm guessing he probably has just paid them off. 

I still think they got us mixed up and they think my booth is the wooden old country looking booth.  Because when I had to send them some additional pics a while back they asked me why his booth was in the background.  Uh... that's my booth in the background.  It will be so hilarious if he shows up in Indie and starts setting up and they make him take everything down and leave because his booth doesn't look a certain way.  And if that happens, he will throw a massive tantrum and make a total ass of himself.  I just have this image in my head of him and Julie making the walk of shame (Over and over because they won't be able to carry everything out in one trip) out of the event and having to walk right by my booth every time.  I'll make sure to give them a big smile. 

So, enough about that...

Z had to go to the ER the other night.  Thankfully everything is ok.  She started on new meds recently and she felt like she was going to pass out at work.  She felt really dizzy and short of breath, so they told her to clock out and go to the ER. 

And, it turns out her new job isn't working out as well as she hoped.  At first she was so happy to be out of the Taxi company and back in a restaurant.  But then she started seeing how unprofessional it is there.  Everyone, management included, sits around doing drugs on the clock.  And she said the kitchen is really disgusting.  As someone with a background working in high end restaurants she just was so disgusted by the way things are there.  Friday night she was getting ready for work and I was in my room sitting on my bed playing on my laptop.  She came into my room and I could tell something was wrong.  Just the look on her face.  She said, "Would you think less of me if I quit?"  I told her no because I can tell she's really unhappy.  And I know she will find something else really fast.  She told me she just ha higher standards for herself and doesn't want to be a part of any of that.  She spent yesterday filling out apps online. 

K was ff school a couple days last week because of all the snow.  I think it was Tuesday I took a personal day from work because the taxi company straight up told me they weren't going to be able to get me to work.  We were on a level 2.  I have the personal time, so why not?  Well, L also took that day off.  And K was sledding down the hill in my side yard.  He was all excited and asked me and L to watch him.  So we were out there and it took him forever to get up the hill with the sled because it was so slippery.  Then he jumps on the sled on his belly, headfirst.  Then he couldn't stop himself and he went flying right across the driveway and straight into the side of the house.  He was fine.  L and I had a good laugh about it. 

He actually got in trouble at school last week because he keeps wanting to kiss all the girls.  I guess at recess one day a bunch of the kids all went off into a corner of the playground and all played some kissing game.  And K liked it and now he wants to keep doing it.  L and I were talking and she was like, "I don't know where he got that from.  It's not like he sees me kissing guys or sees his dad kissing girls.  We don't do that in front of him."  He has seen Z and I kiss each other though.  It's not like we just make out and get all passionate in front of him.  But he has seen us kiss each other goodnight, etc.  But even then, I'm sure he's seen people kiss in movies/ on TV, etc. 

His Dad is concerned about some of the music he's hearing and stuff while at my house.  He hangs out with me in the art room a lot when I'm working.  But when he's in here I don't play anything offensive.  He likes Tool and Pink Floyd because of me.  But I always keep it PG when he's around.  L doesn't care though.  She will play/watch anything in front of him.  He was at his Paternal grandma's house and said he wanted to play a song for her.  The song he played was Damn by Jeris Johnson.  Grandma wasn't too happy.  L plays that song all the time. 

So now there's some conflict between L and her ex about what he's being exposed to here. 

When I was his age my parents didn't care what I saw/heard either.  In some ways that was a good thing.  But I also saw some pretty disturbing things before I should have. 

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1 hour ago, Cynder said:

I wish there was an easy way to just make it go away. 

I don't know how old you are, but for me it didn't really go away until I was able to put some healthy space between me and my family. For me, that wasn't until I was in my 30s, and in part because they moved!! Also, being in a loving relationship with someone who genuinely cares for my success and well-being is extremely helpful. Maybe it's the most helpful thing, honestly. Even so, I do get triggered when I go to visit my family. 

Edited by Jibralta
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I'm sure this will not be well received but I'm getting so tired of this political correct BS.  We are living in a time when everyone is offended by everything and people are so sensitive, but people are so f'ing hateful anymore. 

I'm sick of being accused of being a racist when I'm not.  In some people's eyes saying "I'm not a racist." means you are a racist, which is ridiculous.  I don't give a sh- what color a person is as long as they aren't hurting me or anyone I love.  But white people aren't allowed to comment on racial issues at all.  I'm white so if I say anything about any of that stuff, well then I'm a racist.  I don't get why some people think the answer is to just demonize white people.  And it's mostly white people doing this too, that's what I really don't get.  At least in my experience...  All the people who have accused me of being a racist (and there are only a few, but that's a few too many in my opinion) are white. 

Some of these same people have also accused me of Transphobia.  Uh... I have a transgender partner.  Really...?  I'm Cis so I can't comment on Trans people's struggles/issues, etc without being labeled a trasnphobe even though I live with/am in a relationship with a trans person?  And once again... the people whining and b-ing at me for this are also cis.  So I really don't get it.  I'm CIs so I have no right to comment on any issues that Trans people deal with... but you, another cis people have the right to comment on me commenting on it?  Ok then. 

So I'm cis and white...  Jeez if I were also straight and male I would really be screwed, lol.  Cis white straight males didn't ask to be born that way.  But a lot of the butthurt snowflakes I know act like they are evil.  Oh you're a cis white straight male so you better keep your mouth shut.  Just sit around grunting, scratching your balls and watching sports like society expects dude. Lol

If my business wasn't so dependent on social media I would have unplugged a while ago.   Especially over the last year without shows going on, without Facebook I would have been so screwed.  And these people aren't strangers.  A lot of them have known me for years.  They are just people who got sucked into this SJW keyboard warrior culture.  Ok... you're so worried about everyone's feelings.  But have you even stopped to consider that the people you are pointing your finger at and accusing have feelings too? 

And a lot of them claim they are just trying to inform/educate me.  Like I can't inform/educate myself?  Like I need them to show me the way because I'm just some dumb ignorant cis white woman who is just so clueless about the world.  Most of them have lived privileged upper-middle class lives in the midwest with nice parents, etc.  I really just want to tell some of these people to stfu.  But I know that wouldn't make me any better. 

Edited by Cynder
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Yes, hypocritical hyper-intolerance is the zeitgeist at the moment. But it will fade as the next generation gets deeper into adulthood. Already, I see younger people challenging the extreme bipartisanship and cancel culture that has punctuated these last 20 years. 

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22 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Yes, hypocritical hyper-intolerance is the zeitgeist at the moment. But it will fade as the next generation gets deeper into adulthood. Already, I see younger people challenging the extreme bipartisanship and cancel culture that has punctuated these last 20 years. 

I seriously worry about how it's going to be for my nephew growing up in this society.  Especially considering he's male.  Is he gonig to grow up feeling guilty and like he has to apologize for being white and male?  Like he had a choice, lol. 

I've been called a racist multiple times throughout my adult life.  And I have no problem with anyone for their skin color/ethnicity/cultural background, etc.  I was raised by serious racists, though.  When I was a kid my parents pretty much hated anyone who isn't white, straight and from the US.  I mean, even if someone was white but from another country they were scum in my parents' eyes.  When I was a sophomore in high school I had a crush on a German exchange student.  My step Grandma told me that was wrong and it was a sin.  When I asked her why she said "Because God made different countries and he wants everyone to stick to their own kind.  It's in the Bible."  That's so nuts.  So, even though it sucked that my parents were that bigoted, it wasn't entirely their fault.  They were raised that way.  My biological Dad's parents were really bigoted also and so were my Mom's parents. 

So rather than grow up to be like them I decided I would be the one to break the cycle.  And I think the whole younger generation of my family thought that way, too. 

And while both my Dads are dead now, I can at least say that my Mom doesn't think that way anymore.  I think it's party because she got older and wiser and partly because of the younger generation in our family.  She has two LGBTQ children.  Before she just thought all LGBTQ people were perverts and degenerates.  (Which is really interesting... considering my biological father lived his whole life as a closeted Bisexual.  He had various affairs with guys all throughout their marriage.)  Then when she learned that my sister is Gay and that I'm Bi, I think she probably realized her daughters aren't perverts and degenerates, so therefore all LGBTQ people aren't that way.  She has also been really excepting of my Trans cousin when other members of the family weren't. 

When all of us kids were younger my parents made it clear that if we ever dated anyone who wasn't white, we would be disowned.  And a couple years back she actually got a crush on a black guy that shops at her store (She's a retail manager.)  So it's been interesting watching my Mom evolve this way.  She also told me when I was younger that if I ever got a tattoo she would disown me.  My sister and I are both pretty tatted up.  I have a niece named Lilly that my Mom practically raised.  And a few years ago she got a tattoo of a Lilly on her shoulder. 

I remember years ago there was a coffee shop in my town where I hung out a lot with my little circle of Goth friends.  And were were just all sitting there having our casual banter, etc, and this lady just walked up to me and casually asked me if I'm in the KKK.  She said she thought that the leather wristbands I had on were a secret code and that's how KKK members spot each other out in public.   I just told her no, but I was so tempted to be like, "Why are you trying to join up or what?"  

And a few months later there was an issue at my job with a black supervisor.  He was letting power go to his head, calling female employees names, etc.  And whenever anyone over his head tried to reprimand him he would just threaten to call the NAACP and sue for discrimination, etc.  I made some comments about this situation along the lines of "Well it must be nice to just be able to do whatever you want at work because you can pull the race card."  Etc.  Well one of my former friends who was there that night at the coffee shop was "so offended" by this and her and her husband started questioning me about what I'm not telling them, etc.  This became a whole big thing.  She actually thought maybe I was a KKK member and just not open about it.  Uh... what?  So... a black supervisor at work can yell and throw fits and can call female employees names, etc, and get away with it because he's black, basically.  But if it was  a white guy doing it he would have been disciplined or maybe even fired.  And I'm at work seeing this every day.  And commenting on this situation makes me a racist and I'm being accused of being in the KKK.  Stuff like this is why I don't associate with her and her husband anymore because every single thing became something it wasn't.  

And something else funny about her...  Not too long after that happened, her and I had plans to meet up for a drink at this one bar.  And I realized when we were about to leave that it's karaoke night at that bar.  So I said, "Hey it's karaoke night.  It's going to be really loud in there.  What about going to this other place instead?"  She rolled her eyes and told me she doesn't want to go to the other place I suggested because black people hang out there.  Well now... what do ya' know?  Deep down it's actually her who's racist.  Lol.  Then she tried to correct herself and act like that's not what she really meant, etc.  

I think a lot of these people who accuse me of thinking that way are just projecting.  And I'm sure I'm not the only one they project their crap onto.  I don't know why I'm such a good target.  

I had another friend got on me about how voting for Trump means death for people like me because I'm disabled and LGBTQ.  Well uh, I didn't vote for him, lol.  I've never been one of his supporters.  This person also thinks all of his supporters are white supremacists, etc.  So therefore she must think that about me.  I don't think my race is superior.  I don't think any race is superior.  Race is an evolutionary thing.  Our bodies evolved a certain way to adapt to certain environments.  White people have white skin because it better suited our ancestors in a European climate.  Same with other races.  The amount of melanin in a person's skin evolved over the generations depending on what environment they lived in.   It's an evolutionary trait determined by the weather and exposure to the sun.  That doesn't make anyone superior.   


Edited by Cynder
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Feeling completely gutted today.  I wish I knew the reason I was born with this affliction.  I was doing so well for a while there.  I try to remember every bad time I have that it won't last forever and that good days will come again.  These last couple days have just really sucked. 

Z hasn't had a job for over two weeks now.  And every day I hear all about how she wants to stop sleeping so late and clean more and stuff.  And every day I get home from work and she's still asleep.  And then that night I hear the same thing from her.  Well, um, alarm...?  I'm up every day at 4AM.  I wish I could just sleep all day.  I know she feels really down on herself right now because she's unemployed.  But I'm sure sleeping all day and sitting up all night drinking coffee and playing XBox doesn't help. 

Right now I work more hours than anyone else in this house, and me and the flippin' 8 year old who live here do more cleaning than anyone else. 

I know it may seem trivial, but to someone with OCD this kind of stuff can completely f up our life temporarily.  Like the situation with Z... even though I know her to be a better person than this, still the thoughts keep running through my head.  Like ok, is she going to end up like my ex husband sitting around on her ass all day for years while I work two jobs?  All I can do is hope not. 

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53 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

It's not trivial when you find yourself doing all of the work around the house, especially when the other people in the household have more time than you do. 

Yea, it's getting annoying.  K cleans a lot though.  He will ask me for certain tasks.  He likes sweeping the kitchen floor.  He also likes taking out the trash.  Sometimes he wants to do big things though that he can't really do.  Like last Saturday he really wanted to rearrange the furniture in the living room by himself.  I had to put a stop to that, lol.  He was moving the Lizard's cage across the floor, and wanted to put it in front of the couch.  (He has a pet bearded dragon.)

Z has all this stuff she wants to do every day that involves being up earlier.  And every night I hear all about it.  She is so motivated to get up early and get all this stuff done.  Then she sleeps till 3 or 4 n the afternoon, sits and drinks coffee and plays XBOX till anywhere from 10-Midnight, then can't sleep and wonders why she can't get up earlier.  I told her try cutting the coffee out a little earlier every night, then she will fall asleep earlier every night.  But she never does this. 

This new job that she is probably going to get... work day starts at 7AM every day.  She's going to have to get used to getting up a little after I do every day. 

Edited by Cynder
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Well, last few days have been interesting here. 

Z is having a real problem with insomnia.  So she tried melatonin.  I'm not sure if I'm spelling that right and right now I just don't feel like googling it, I'll admit it.  Well, idk if it could have been an interaction with her meds or what, but this morning when I got up for work I saw her light was on.  I went into her room to say hi and she was sitting on the edge of her bed, hunched over, shaking, holding her phone.  She said "I'm not doing good."  And it's hard to explain why but that statement alone was out of character for her.  She was sweating, etc.  Something wasn't right.  She told me when she laid down to go to sleep she started having a really bad panic attack and felt like if she went to sleep she would never wake up. 

I know exactly how that feels.  Not only have I had panic attacks in the middle of the night and been terrified to go back to sleep for exactly that reason, but it's also happened to me a few times during Ayahuasca ceremonies.  I've been on the cusp of passing out and been doing all I can to stay awake, because I was so sure if I fell asleep I would die.  And looking at it from a sober perspective, so much energy was wasted even trying to stay awake in those situations.  Ayahuasca can go either way... you could be up for days after ingesting it, or you could pass out almost immediately.  If it decides it's going to put you to sleep, then you're going to sleep.  It would be like trying to stay awake after being anesthetized. 

But anyway, she came downstairs with me and she was really scared.  She said she debated on going to the hospital.  She said she thought she was having a heart attack for a minute, etc.  I decided right then I was not going to work today.  No way I was leaving her alone in that state.

So we went upstairs to her room, cuddled up in bed and watched a horror movie.  She thanked me for staying home with her.  I know what it's like to have a really bad panic attack, and I know it sucks even more when you're all by yourself.  She also told me she will never take Melatonin again.  She was feeling better, so we laid down and went to sleep for a couple hours.  It's so rare that we actually sleep together.  We have our reasons for having separate rooms.  I know a lot of people probably think that's weird. 

I'm loving the warm weather and we hope to have a fire outside in the sideyard this weekend.  Last summer... we had a bonfire almost every weekend when the weather permitted it.  You never knew who would top by, etc.  Some nights we sat out there till 5AM.  Z has this huge tent that she put up out there by the fire pit.  We put it up there because we were going to all camp out because K really wanted to.  Well, there were a lot of nights where we had the full campout experience but didn't actually sleep outside.  It would get late and then everyone would just come inside and sleep in our comfy beds, and no one had a problem with that, even K.  But I will not lie... Z and I made some pretty good memories in the tent, 🙂

Our kitten, Muse, is in heat.  She's yowling, walking around with her little butt up in the air all day.  We are planning to get her fixed soon. 

Yesterday morning I made a $600 sale.  That is my biggest sale so far to a single person.  The guy already has a few of my paintings.  He's Greek and I don't know what he does for a living but he's got some money to throw around.  He bought two of my newest paintings and two old ones from me yesterday.  He also asked me to hook him up with some Shrooms.  Since my work is really trippy, it's not the first time I've been asked stuff like that. 

I also have a client I've never met in person who lives in the Indianapolis area.  He offered to take Z and I out to dinner when we are in town.  He commissioned a painting from me and I will be handing it over that weekend.  He was like, "Yea and I would also love to hang out with you and your girl while you are in town, if you feel up for it."  Then I had to figure out a tactful way to ask him if by hanging out he actually means just hanging out and isn't expecting something else.  I told him I'm sorry I have to ask that, but this day in age you never know and I just didn't want to give the wrong impression.  Thankfully he was really understanding about me asking that question. 

It amazes me how many guys I know who have propositioned me in that way since Z and I got together.  I don't really understand why they think now that I am in a relationship with her we just want to have threesomes with guys all the time.  And these are all guys who claim to be completely straight, etc.  A lot of straight people are curious about trans people even if they won't outright admit it.  And Z is just fine AF, so it doesn't surprise me that a lot of people want to sleep with her.  She's hot as hell as a woman and she's hot as hell as a man.  She just has that allure about her.  She's very animated and she's very magnetic.  Her eyes are a rare color and I know that draws a lot of people in.  You can't help but notice her eyes right off the bat. 

I am starting to get out of that "What the hell does she want with me?" mentality, because I am forcing myself to.  Basic laws of attraction... people usually end up with someone about on their level of physical attractiveness.  Perfect tens usually date other tens.  Average looking people generally date average looking people.  And ugly people get with ugly people.  I consider myself to be very ugly.  But yet most of the people I've dated have been good looking, even if not in a really conventional way.  I gravitate toward more unusual looking people than anything else.  I am not attracted to people who fit the cookie cutter norm when it comes to looks.  But all that aside, if I am dating attractive people, then I must be attractive on some level.  D had girls hitting on him all the time, sometimes even right in front of me.  Z has people hitting on her all the time.  So at least my last two relationships were with physically desirable people.  So I must look better than I give myself credit for. 

I finished my Mad Hatter painting finally.  It's a more adult, very psychedelic take on the Mad Hatter.  I've been working on it for two weeks.  Its Cheshire Cat counterpart sold yesterday.  So now I'm working on a painting of a woman and a Crow, and another one of a stairway down to Hell.  Trying to stick to darker subject matters right now for Indie. 

So, I should probably wrap this up and sleep.  4AM will be here before I know it. 

Edited by Cynder
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  • 4 weeks later...

So, got about a week and a half till OC Indianapolis.  I still have 3 paintings to finish.  Why do I do this to myself? I set my expectations so high.  I'm a demanding boss.  But only to myself.  My employees all think I'm pretty chill. 

Z loves her new job.  She's been there 3 weeks and feels perfectly at home.  And she brings home lots of delicious healthy organic food too, which is awesome.  I'm already thinking about this epic breakfast I'm going to cook myself tomorrow with stuff she brought home today.  If anyone is wondering why I'm not cooking for her too, it's because she doesn't really do breakfast.  And also, her work day doesn't start as early as mine.  I'm usually walking out the door right after she comes downstairs. 

Zombie Dust beer is really good.  If there are any beer connoisseurs reading this. 

I have one day to get through tomorrow, and then I'm off four days.  Last chance to get everything done for the show. 

We've decided the weekend we are out of town will be a fun weekend.  It's our first trip together.  When I was with D, with him it was like, get there, do show, leave.  Z and I are meeting up with a friend of mine who lives there and going to hang out and actually have a good time.  The hotel we're staying at has a pool and a hot tub.  We are taking sexy clothes and getting all dressed up.  We are both getting our hair colored for this trip, etc.  Yea I know Indianapolis isn't exactly a glamorous city.  But we are at the end of a pandemic and it's going to be fun just to go somewhere.  Before this all started we both were active people. 

I'm getting a huge tax refund this year.  I want to put some work into the upstairs bathroom.  I also want some new tattoos.  We'll have to see what costs what. 

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  • 8 months later...

So, I finally ventured on here again... the last time I posted in this thread was literally the happiest time of my life.  But everything ends. 

Back in August Z had a complete nervous breakdown.  I still don't understand everything.  But I know I never will.  I am not her.  Monday night we were talking about wedding plans.  Wednesday I was at work going about my day and I get a message from one of her co workers saying she no call no showed at work and asking what happened.  I was freaking out because that was not at all like her.  She took her job really seriously.  So I told work I had a family emergency and had to go.  But then I got a text from that same co worker telling me someone got ahold of her and she's fine.  So I stayed at work thinking I would hear about whatever happened when I got home.  I texted her and she didn't answer.  But it was normal because she didn't text while at work usually.  When I was on my lunch break I got a text from her saying she moved out. 

Went home, found my house in a state of chaos.  She left a lot of her stuff there.  She basically took her clothes, toothbrush and other essential things.  She didn't answer me when I called.  She never responded to any texts. 

I can't even explain what this was like.  Literally there aren't words.  Shocked... betrayed... heartbroken... these are all just understatements.  Nothing describes it.  Nothing.  And she blocked me everywhere, so I couldn't even try to contact her and ask for any explanation.  All I could do was speculate... like what did I do?  I even messaged her Mom 3 days after and asked her to tell Z that I love her and I hope she's ok.  Her Mom called me and listened to me sob uncontrollably on the phone for 20 minutes while consoling me.  She said she had never seen her daughter so happy than she was with me and didn't understand what went wrong. 

And work wouldn't let me take any days off, so I had to just go about my work days... for a little while.  Because four days later I was unexpectedly let go from my job... after 11 years.  My termination was COVID related, if anyone wonders. 

And then a couple weeks later was the biggest festival of the year, my area's Pagan Pride Festival.  The vendors there are like family and since it didn't happen in 2020 we were all excited to see each other.  Well, naturally since I hadn't seen all my friends in a while and they all knew somewhat what was going on, there was a lot of hugs and a lot of tears and a lot of me just hiding behind the booth talking to people who, honestly, were saving my life if they didn't know it.  Well, L, (My good friend and roomate) was there with me and she got really pissed at me for telling people I'm still in love with Z, and she threw a fit and left the booth and refused to help me at all with anything else that weekend. 

Second day I get there, no L.  My tent is waterlogged on top, and while me and a few volunteers are trying to drain the water, the whole tent collapsed and ruined hundreds in inventory. 

A week later my cat died.  Since Z was attached to the cat too I texted her and told her.  I said I thought she had a right to know since she was attached to my cat too.  She replied with a bunch of nasty messages about how I disappointed her. 

About a week later L and I got into a huge fight again about the way I was handling things.  I went and checked myself into a hotel with a bottle of sleeping pills and honestly had no plans to ever check out.  The only thing that stopped me was not wanting to be found dead in a hotel room by some poor housekeeper. 

I found a job I love... So, for the past three months I've been working at that job and just existing.  Not living... just existing.  I've gotten  few more tattoos because pain helps.  I'm still in therapy, though it's costing a fortune because I don't have insurance.  And a lot of the headway I was making with my mental health went out the window because most of my therapy has been focused on processing all this grief. 

So... life was getting back to normal.  The holidays are coming.  I'm excited to buy K a bunch of presents.  I'm making good money.  My probationary period is over soon at work so I will have insurance and get a raise and get a huge sign on bonus.  Yay. 

Tuesday morning I woke up and took my phone off airplane mode.  My phone dinged a bunch...  For a second I thought I was still asleep.  It was Z.  Haven't talked to her since September.  She sent a bunch of messages telling me how she has never felt so bad about anything in her entire life and that she has no real explanation for what happened other than she had what sounds like a nervous breakdown.  This is devastating.  I've been through it myself.  Just knowing that she went through that and I wasn't there to help her...  I am tearing up just writing this. 

I read through the messages a few times, and then just laid there in bed sobbing for a good ten minutes.  I had no idea how to process this.  The messages were sent at 1am roughly.  It had been hours since she was active on messager.  I just replied and said "I'm not sure what to say."  Because that was the most honest answer I could give. 

We talked off and on throughout the day.  She feels awful and she wants to meet up face to face and talk.  She told me she doesn't' expect to be in my life, and she understands if I hate her, but she wants to at least talk about things. 

Ok... I am still head over heals in love with her.  And she's not stupid.  I'm sure she knows that.  We talked throughout the following day too.  At one pone the conversation was getting really emotional on both sides.  She actually said she wanted to stop for now.  She said she wasn't trying to cut things short but she's getting really emotional and really would rather talk face to face. 

Ok so...  life is looking up.  I am possibly going to work things out with the love of my life.  I got a job I really like with awesome people at an awesome company and I'm about to get this great bonus, etc.  Well... then the universe must have decided whatever lesson I'm supposed to learn isn't over yet.  Because Friday I got laid off.  They decided to lay off most of their workers with no warning at all.  So now I will most likly have to go work somewhere I will hate just to pay my bills.  Oh yea... and I also found a pretty suspicious lump that is associated with the c word too.  So hey... the crap just keeps on coming.  Boy oh boy... 

This is the most abbreviated version of the last few months that I can handle.  There is actually more to it that I could add.  But if anyone was wondering what's been happening in my life, this is it.  Hope anyone reading this enjoyed hearing about the most miserable time of my life.  I guess I can only go up from here. 



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3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I hope things get better for you.

Me too!  There are a lot of things I didn't even mention in this post.  Every paragraph here could probably be it's own post, honestly.  And today I realized that my most recent tattoo is infected.  I don't even know how many tattoos I have.  I lost count around 13.  Never had an infected one.  And this was one I had been wanting for about 5 years and traveled hours away to get.  And I can't go to the doc because I have no insurance. 

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I ended up going to urgent care today because my tattoo was oozing nasty stuff and turning green.  I was at work and my boss actually told me to leave "so I won't lose my arm."  The urgent care doctor told me I should have been on antibiotics yesterday.  I am on antibiotics now and there is still a chance it could be sepsis.  It hurts like hell. 

Thankfully it's not the whole thing that's infected, just a few spots.  It's a big tattoo, took over 6 hours and took up most of my outer forearm.  And I had been waiting for it for years, too.  I traveled two hours one way to get it done.  I really wish bad things would stop happening. 

Work was interesting today, too...  I've never heard of a company laying off most of their workers and then telling them they still have to work three more weeks.  It's depressing going to work every day knowing I didn't make the cut.  But neither did a lot of other people, so it's not like it's personal.  I just hate the thought of job hunting again.  It's not as easy for me as it is for most people.  My eyes make it really hard to find work. 

Z hasn't messaged me since Friday.  So, I tell her I'm being laid off from my job and then she stops talking.  Makes me wonder if she's just out for money.  She's never been a gold digger before.  But who knows.  The way my life has been nothing would surprise me at this point. 

My sister really laid into me on Saturday via text message.  She was going off about how weak I am and then she had to add  "And he knows how weak you are and he's a loser!" A weak person couldn't have survived the last four months.  

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I've lost 8 lbs since I started really sticking to meal prepping.  Tomorrow I'm making shrimp and cauliflower Alfredo.  So far the challenge with this has just been finding room in my fridge to fit everything.  I don't get bored eating the same thing for several days in a row.  I love to cook., so it's fun coming up with new ideas.  The girls at work always say they are coming to my place for dinner, etc.  I'm really gonna miss this job.  😞 

I spend a few hours on Sunday and make all my breakfasts and lunches for the week.  Everything is portioned out and ready to just pop in the microwave.  I don't do dinners because I don't really eat dinner.  I have chopped fruits and vegetables ready to go though as snacks for in the evening if I'm hungry. 

I really need to get back into the gym.  It's like every time I get any momentum with my workout schedule, something stops me.  Right now it's the staph infection.  Yea, it doesn't stop me from exercising.  But sweating under the bandages, etc will just irritate it and result in a lot of discomfort and prolong the healing process. 

I waited for this tattoo for about 5 years.  The artist who did it, Xaq has done work for me before.  His work is amazing.  He is worth traveling two hours one way for.  So for 5 years this is something I've wanted.  There were times when I had the money but couldn't get down to him.  And then there were times when I was in his area but broke.  Then I finally get it, and this happens.  And it's such a gorgeous tattoo.  I just hope it doesn't heal all messed up. 

And my OCD...  I didn't know until this that a staph infection was contagious.  I guess it seems obvious.  But since I've never had one and never known anyone who did, I guess it's just knowledge I never needed.  Before I knew it was infected and I just thought it was healing rough, I would rub it just to make it feel better.  Omg... all the times I rubbed it and then petted my cat.  All the times I rubbed it and touched my face after.  My bed sheets....  He told me to use organic coconut oil on it while it's healing.  Well coconut oil is really good for hair.  There were a few times when I put the coconut oil on it and wasn't able to wash my hands right away, so I would just rub the oil in my hair.  Ugh... I just rubbed staph all through my hair.  Like when I touched it and then pet the cat.  Ok, I rubbed it all over him and then he's going to lick himself like cats do.  I hope I didn't get him sick, poor baby. 

He (my cat... who's name is Chippy... short for Chipotle.) kept trying to lick it when it was brand new.  I've never had a cat do that before.  I didn't let him.  But animals have instinct when it comes to stuff like that.  Maybe he knew it was infected. 

Yesterday when I was dizzy and had a fever and went to urgent care... I told the receptionist what was going on and she was like, "We don't treat infected tattoos here."  I was like, "Well it's an infection.  It shouldn't matter how I got it."  If I would have walked in there with an infected cut on my arm they would have treated that, but she wanted to give me a hard time because it's a tattoo.  She said she would talk to the manager.  They ended up seeing me.  The doc said it's a good thing I came when I did because it was starting to get really bad. 

Since Z left, I've gotten 5 tattoos.  Pain is healing.  And also, it's been a way of feeling beautiful.  Decorating myself to feel good.  They've all been tattoos I've wanted for a long time.  I don't even consider inking anything on my body unless it's something I've wanted for a year or more.  That's my rule of thumb. 

I have another one scheduled in March...  I still haven't decided what that one will be yet, though. 

And speaking of Z... since I know anyone reading this is probably curious about her...  We did speak last night.  She told me her depression has been bad and that she had a really rough few days.  She told me there are still things she wants to work through before we meet in person to talk about things.  And that's fine... because I am questioning if I am ready, too.  I only want this to happen when we are both comfortable with it. 

I've never been so in love with anyone in my life.  She is my baby...  I didn't think it was possible to love anyone as much as I love her.  Last night I kept having dreams about her.  In one we were in some really fancy hotel room.  There was this huge pile of pillows.  They were fancy pillows, too.  And we were sitting on this pile of pillows just talking.  She had on a blue dress.  And we ended up kissing and confessing our love to each other.  I am no idiot.  I know she might not feel how I feel;.  But I also can't just stop feeling that way. 

I got K a few Christmas presents today.  He wants paint and canvases.  I got him those.  I got him a set of 30 acrylic paints, some canvases, even some black ones, and some brushes.  I want to give them to him early so bad.  He loves the show Miraculous.  I'm also getting him a miraculous lamp for his room and L and I are going in halves on an Xbox for him.  He's my K Monster.  I want his christmas to be awesome.  He's had a rough year.  Poor little guy. 

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12 hours ago, Cynder said:

Yesterday when I was dizzy and had a fever and went to urgent care... I told the receptionist what was going on and she was like, "We don't treat infected tattoos here."  I was like, "Well it's an infection.  It shouldn't matter how I got it."  If I would have walked in there with an infected cut on my arm they would have treated that, but she wanted to give me a hard time because it's a tattoo. 

I usually go to urgent-care-type places when I get sick, since I don't have a regular doctor. Those places are weird. A couple years ago, I was driving down to Florida with my family and someone rear ended us. It was pretty minor. But the next day, we decided to go to an urgent care to get checked out. I couldn't believe it when they turned us away, saying "We don't treat head injuries." Head injuries??? Wth?? There are so many reasons why I thought (think) that was so stupid--I don't want to get started. Bottom line: insurance and liability. That's all they really care about. The health industry consists of mostly money-makers, not healers. They don't care about individuals. You are a statistic.

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20 hours ago, boltnrun said:

There's a myth that people who get tattoos go to shady tattoo parlors where needles are reused and everyone has AIDS. I couldn't donate blood for forever because I have ONE tattoo and because of that the Red Cross presumes I'm HIV+.

That myth is dying now, though... at least in my part of the world.  I have actually been exposed to Hepatitis C.  I don't have the disease, but my blood contains antibodies for it.  I have it narrowed down to a few things in my life that could have exposed me to it.  When I went to a specialist to get blood work down to see if the actual virus was present in my system, the specialist too one look at me and just assumed it was from tattoos.  And when he found out I've been tattooed in multiple countries he really thought that had to be the source. 

I was romantically/sexually involved with one of my tattoo artists back in 2010.  A lot of people told me things like, "Well because of his job aren't you worried about diseases?"  Thankfully we are still good friends, since he did a few tattoos on me.  It would suck if it was a bad split and then I've got his work on me for life. 

Stereotypes are rooted in truth, though.  Tattoo shops used to be really seedy places where cleanliness wasn't taken into consideration.  I've known a few artists who are older and worked before the AIDS epidemic, and needles were reused back then.  It's scary to think about. 

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9 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I usually go to urgent-care-type places when I get sick, since I don't have a regular doctor. Those places are weird. A couple years ago, I was driving down to Florida with my family and someone rear ended us. It was pretty minor. But the next day, we decided to go to an urgent care to get checked out. I couldn't believe it when they turned us away, saying "We don't treat head injuries." Head injuries??? Wth?? There are so many reasons why I thought (think) that was so stupid--I don't want to get started. Bottom line: insurance and liability. That's all they really care about. The health industry consists of mostly money-makers, not healers. They don't care about individuals. You are a statistic.

I didn't realize how messed up our health care system really was in this country until I spent time in other countries.  It's so corrupt. 

I accidentally took two doses of my antidepressant about a year and a half ago.  My doc's office was closes, so I called urgent care and just asked them if I was safe or if I should worry.  The lady got really pissy with me and told me to go to the ER.  I Said something like, "Well am I gonna get sick?  Like do you think this is an emergency?"  She just hung up on me.  I ended up calling poison control and they answered me just fine. 

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Just cleaned the infection and changed the bandages.  There was a lot less green fluid on the bandage today.  The infection has migrated a little down my arm, though.  It was just at the top of the tattoo.  The tattoo is of an owl with a hexagonal; pattern behind it.  Well, it was just the owl's face and part of one of the wings that was infected, now it's mostly gone from the one side of the face but it's moved down further onto the wing. 

You know I've never really considered myself a bird lover.  But I have three birds tattooed on me.  My peacock on my left thigh, my raven on my upper back, and now the owl on my arm.  Parts of it will definitely need re-colored.  people are telling me I shouldn't go back to the same artist.  But it's also not really ethical to go to a different artist.  A lot of tattoo artists won't touch another artist's work.  

Well... time for wine and Netflix. 

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K was bugging me earlier to wrap his presents.  I told him I didn't feel like it tonight, and that I would rather wrap them when he isn't here so he won't see them. 

Lately, with the holidays coming up and Z coming back into my life, gift giving and how gifts can be used to manipulate people has been on my mind a lot.  I still have some anger toward L for how she handled things while Z and I were together and shortly after we broke up.  For anyone reading this, L is my nephew's Mom.  We aren't sisters.  We've just been friends for over 20 years. 

When Z and I were together, I loved to give her gifts.  I think that is one of my love languages.  I never expected anything back.  A lot of times I would just be out somewhere and see something Z would like, and if I had the money I would pick it up for her.  Sometimes I would give them to her right away.  Sometimes I would save them for special occasions, etc.  Well, there were so many times when I did this, that L would find out and then have to run out and buy MY GIRLFRIEND something more expensive.  Why?  I still don't understand.  When Z and I first started dating I still had heaps of medical bills to pay from when I injured my foot.  So I couldn't afford to get her anything really fancy for her birthday.  Well... 2 months after her birthday has passed, L was living here with us and L just decides out of nowhere that she's going to have these $175 boots custom made for Z "for her birthday."  Z actually told her no and refused.  Even she was uncomfortable with that. 

In the 20 years we've known each other, L has given me two things.  I've saved her and K from being homeless multiple times.  A while back she bought her boyfriend a rare Iron Maiden album.  He collected vinyl and was a big maiden fan.  Well, idk exactly why but he ended up not taking it.  Maybe he already had it or something.  But, since I have a vinyl collection too and I am also an Iron Maiden fan, she gave it to me.  I put it with the rest of my collection, next to my record player.  Well, a few months later she took it and sold it.  How do I know?  Because she posted it on Facebook for sale and I saw the post.  When I asked her about it she said she was selling it because I didn't hang it up.  Well, I didn't know I was supposed to hang it up.  And she also said her money paid for it, so it was hers to take.  The other gift she gave me was a t-shirt, if anyone is wondering.  Yet she wants to shower Z with high end makeup, etc.  All this even made Z uncomfortable.  After a while she asked L to stop it. 

Superiority complex... that's all I can think.  She can't stand not being the center of attention.  So when I gave my girlfriend gifts, it took attention off her.  She also tried to start a lot of drama between Z and I.  She woulkd come to me and be like, "Well Z said yadda yadda about you."  Then she would go tell Z, "Oh well, you know Cynder said bladdy blah blah about you."  Z and I always saw through this though and would laugh about it later when we were alone. 

This Christmas she's not getting jack from me.  She lives in my house rent free.  She paid rent for a long time, then she just stopped when Z moved out.  She knows I'm too nice to kick her out.  Even if I didn't care about her living situation, I wouldn't do that to K. 

Idk... this is still something I'm angry about but it's pointless bringing it up now.  I just want to say "Hey... every time I went and got my ex a gift you had to one up me with a better/nicer/more expensive gift.  That was a pretty crappy thing to do.  It made me look bad and feel like a loser.  And all I was trying to do was show affection to my girlfriend."  But I know how she is.  Instead of listening she would just scream and cuss and possibly throw things and then stomp upstairs and post passive aggressive crap on Facebook about me.  This is how she handles it when someone doesn't agree with her. 

She was spoiled absolutely rotten growing up.  Her and her brother never wanted for anything.  She's been in and out of the psych ward all her adult life.  She has a drinking problem.  Her relationships are all really toxic.  And she must get attention at all times.  For a while her Facebook profile pic was literally just a picture of her crotch in these vinyl lace up shorts.  It looked so trashy. 

I know this probably makes me seem like a horrible person but I'm just venting.  Obviously she has redeeming qualities.  I've been friends with her 20 years.  She has BPD.  I try to remember she can't help some of this stuff any more than I can help the symptoms of my OCD.  I try, and most days I manage, but there are days when OCD really does get the better of me. 

Work sucks right now.  My once awesome job has turned into something awful.  There is no morale anymore and it's obvious why.  No one cares about being a good worker anymore.  Why bother when they are laying us all off? 

I just wish everything didn't have to suck. 

I still have my business, and my health, and K. 

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So today my mind was stuck on something...  I wonder how Z would have reacted if I would have gone through with what I was considering that night in the hotel room a few months ago.  I know I shouldn't care what she would have thought.  I would have been dead anyway so it wouldn't have mattered.  But I'm still curious. 

I also wonder what L would have thought... since it was an incident with her that caused me to go to the hotel in the first place.  The next day when she got the news would she have thought, "Oh Jeez...  I've been living in my supposed best friend's house rent free for how long now.  And she caught me stealing from her and she had the audacity to confront me about it so I screamed and cussed and threw a full 24OZ can of beer at her head so she left and went to a hotel for the night and now she's dead.  Jeez this sucks.  Now I have to go live somewhere else." 

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I'm personally so so glad you chose to live. We have both been on this forum a long time. I still remember some things from long ago you've written. You are amazing in the resilience, strength, and determination you have. And you've inspired me, with your art and how you didn't let things get in the way of sharing that creativity and unique talent you have to offer this world.

Im rooting for you. I just want to say that. I know things are really difficult. I'm just sending so much good energy your way, I hope some reaches you ❤️

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11 hours ago, Cynder said:

I wonder how Z would have reacted if I would have gone through with what I was considering that night in the hotel room a few months ago...

I also wonder what L would have thought...

Some people are the centers of their own universe. Everything that happens, happens to them. Even if it actually happens to you. So, if you committed suicide, their reaction may well have been more about themselves, and how bad things always happen to them, than about what was going on in your life.

E.g., It will be something like, "My ex committed suicide. Woe is me. My life is so terrible," and/or "My best friend committed suicide. Woe is me. My life is so terrible." And not something insightful, like, "Poor Cynder. I wish I'd known how much I meant to her. I wish I had been there for her," or, "Poor Cynder. She was so kind to me and I took such advantage of her. Why am I like this? Why didn't I appreciate her?"

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2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Some people are the centers of their own universe. Everything that happens, happens to them. Even if it actually happens to you. So, if you committed suicide, their reaction may well have been more about themselves, and how bad things always happen to them, than about what was going on in your life.

E.g., It will be something like, "My ex committed suicide. Woe is me. My life is so terrible," and/or "My best friend committed suicide. Woe is me. My life is so terrible." And not something insightful, like, "Poor Cynder. I wish I'd known how much I meant to her. I wish I had been there for her," or, "Poor Cynder. She was so kind to me and I took such advantage of her. Why am I like this? Why didn't I appreciate her?"

I know the kind of reactions you're talking about.  When my ex husband killed himself (in a hotel room, oddly enough) that was his family.  I still remember reading his obituary and the whole time I was reading it I was just getting more and more pissed off.  His Mom wrote his obituary and there were maybe 4 lines in it about him.  And they were really generic lines.  He liked horror films.  He wore black.  He looked like Rob Zombie, etc.  The rest of it was about how awesome their family is and what great parents his parents were.  There was a whole paragraph about his Mom baking him chocolate chip cookies and how much he loved the cookies, etc.  Ok... I was married to him for 8 years.  We were together a total of 11 years.  His Mom never baked him cookies and he never mentioned his Mom baking cookies ever. 

And there was this other whole paragraph about his brother being a poet.  His brother isn't a poet.  He's worked as a cook in various restaurants all his life.  And there was this very cringe worthy creepy ass poem this his brother wrote that sounded like something a 14 year old would write to their crush.  It was like, "Hold me closer, walk with me in the night.  I'll slay dragons to make sure you're alright."  Ok... this is supposed to be about your dead brother...? 

And then his mom went through this whole list of people she thanked.  One was the coroner.  Idk... to me that seemed really weird too.  "Oh we want to thank the county coroner for her non judgmental approach and professionalism."  And she thanked the hotel staff and the cops.  Idk...  the whole thing just seemed so bizarre and weird.  I wasn't the only one who thought that either.  Several of his friends told me they were really rubbed wrong by his obituary. 

And they never had a memorial service for him and they still have never came to get his ashes from me.  I have his ashes because I was the closest thing to a next of kin in the area.  His step dad told me that when they come here to the area they will get them from me.  Well, he died in 2017 and they've never reached out.  His ashes are in a cardboard box in a cabinet in my art studio. 

Personally though... I don't think he killed himself.  I think his death was an accident and his family is trying to cover it up.  I'm not going to go into the exact details.  But he had some fetishes that were dangerous.  I'll leave it at that.  I was at his house three days before he died and he was acting completely normal.  I know people can hold it together and act normal while falling apart inside.  But knowing him like I did, I think I would have been able to tell if something was really wrong. 

There was this girl him and I both worked with who I still worked with at the time.  She went all around work telling everyone she talked to him for 3 hours before he did it.  I messaged her on Facebook and asked her about it.  Like, did he say why?  Did something happen?  Etc.  And she immediately blocked me. 

So much doesn't add up. 

My relationship with L isn't what it used to be.  After 20 years of being good friends... something changed that night.  There is a rift there now that will probably never really go away.  Obviously we patched things up.  But I don't trust her anymore.  I don't trust anyone anymore. 

She was in the psych ward not too long ago.  When she got out she was turning over a new leaf and not drinking anymore.  That lasted three whole days. 

Maybe in another entry I will wrote more in detail about the night I went to the hotel.  I think it would be healing on some level.  I've even considered taking elements of it and turning it into a short story.  I've written a lot of stories in the last four months. 

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