Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

[Cynder]

Ok, I write a lot.  Stories, poetry, random stuff...  And I'm a bit of a grammar nazi.  I get a lot of help from Grammarly, though.  My eyes are messed up.  I read a lot slower than the average person does.  So I don't have tons of time to sit and prooferead everything. 

On here though, Grammarly doesn't work.  I don't know why.  and that leads to delightful little gems like these:

"She was saying she wishes she had some artistic talent so she could show the word some of the things she sees when she closes her eyes."

"I panicked and grabbed players and yanked it right out. I had to go to the ER and have it treated and also get a tennis shot. "

"Another thing I do is I think of a movie I really like, and then pretend like someone who doesn't care about spoilers just asked me to explain the whole lot to them.  So I will start explaining the whole lot of this movie in my head like I'm telling it to a friend or something. "

These are all direct quotes from me, copied and pasted.  And they are all recent.  I see this and feel so disgusted with myself.  Ok, I know the difference between world and word.  I know the difference between pliers and players.  I know the difference between tennis and Tetanus.  And I know the difference between plot and lot.  And I can't just write that last one off as an innocent typo either because I said it twice!  Really...?

Kind of makes me wonder if there is some weird brain phenomena that causes someone to write a word that kinda sounds like the word they mean when they are really into what they are writing and not stopping to think about spelling, etc.  I really wish we were allowed to edit posts beyond 30 minutes after, so I could correct this stuff when I see it and not feel like a ***. 

[Cynder]

Z has been really depressed lately.  I really wish there was more I could do to help her.  I know how depression feels though.  There's not much anyone can do to really help a depressed person feel better.   Depression goes a little deeper than just feeling sad. 

She said she's been having suicidal thoughts lately, but that she would never do it.  She has a pretty strong anti suicide stance like I do.  A lot of what she's dealing with is regret.  Today she was telling me that she is just so mad at herself for ruining her life years ago.  She said she feels like a failure.  I told her she's not a failure.  There are so many people who would love to live the life she's lived.  She's a martial artist.  That takes a lot of discipline to learn.  And she taught Jujitsu and women's self defense for years.  Jujitsu is the kind of thing a lot of people would love to learn.  But most people don't have the focus or the dedication to actually do it.  She's also been in multiple bands.  That's another thing a lot of people would love to do but most people never get the opportunity.  And it takes so much talent to learn multiple instruments, plus she can sing.  She has an amazing voice.  She's been a chef in 5 star restaurants.  That takes some serious talent.  It's not like they just give that job to anyone off the street.  

The fact that she was in prison when she was younger and has a felony on her record is something that obviously didn't hold her back as much as it would some people because she didn't let it.  She is one of the most interesting people I've ever met, seriously.  I honestly wonder what the hell she sees in me sometimes.  I'm boring.  I'm nobody.  I'm ugly.  I'm disabled.  I guarantee no one has ever looked at me and thought, "Wow, she's so interesting and cool." 

Biggest thing though is regret about not coming out sooner and starting her transition sooner.  And while I do empathize, (Of course I've never been in that position so when I say I empathize it's to the best of my ability) I can't do anything to help her.  I have a cousin who is trans also, MtF.  She came out around 2004/2005.  That seems recent, but in the terms of how far our culture has come in accepting transpeople it was ages ago.  My cousin got in fist fights after she came out.  She lost her job.  A lot of my family weren't all that supportive either.  Out of all the extended family she told me first.  I actually take that as a huge compliment.  She told me first because she knew I wouldn't judge her or be a jerk about it.  

My cousin was a badass growing up.  No one messed with her.  She was a big bad hulking tower of a man that no one even dared start trouble with.  And she comes from the huge Italian family that all have each others' backs.  Point is, my cousin had a ton of self confidence when she came out.  And it still completely wrecked her life in a lot of ways.  Z was a small framed, quiet soft spoken guy back when she was still living as a male.  Even when she was in prison, she told me just just kept to herself and didn't talk much.  And she was bullied really bad in school and beat up on a regular basis by her dad.  (Thinking about that almost makes me cry to tell the truth.  I've seen pics of her Dad.  He is this big burly scary looking biker guy and thinking of her as a teenager going through that is just awful.)  So, when looking at the psychology behind it, it's easy to see why she didn't come out sooner.  But knowing why doesn't help the regret go away. 

She says no matter what, she will never have the body she wants.  She will never look the way she wants to look, etc.  She says she sometimes wishes she could just start over in another body, but she won't do anything to hurt herself. 

And in an odd way I can relate to that feeling.  I know it's not the same situation at all.  But I hate my body and hate the way I look, too.  Biggest thing is my eyes though.  My eyes being messed up has really ruined my life in the grand scheme of things.  I've just learned to make the best of it.  People say it's so amazing that I'm legally blind and I'm an artist.  But apparently not amazing enough because I'm not making a living at it.  So I've felt the same.  Like I wish I could just be done with this ugly face/body and these defective eyes. 

I just wish there was more I could do.  I wish she could see herself through my eyes.  (Which is an odd concept in itself, considering  I'm legally blind, lol.) 

[Cynder]

Z was telling me last night about when she caught her Mom cheating on her Dad.  This was one of those epic stories...  Even though it was traumatic for her, it still would have been hilarious to witness, and even she said so. 

She was in high school.  She spent the night at a friend's house the night before and realized she didn't have her backpack.  So she stopped at home to get it before going to school and she came in the house and her Mom was naked on the couch getting it on with the next door neighbor (who was also married.)  They didn't hear her come in and she was really pissed off.  So she went in the kitchen and grabbed a butcher knife and chased the neighbor (who was too scared to get dressed) through the house.  The guy ran out the back door naked and Z chased him through the back yard.  He made it back to his house unharmed.  She told me if she would have caught him she doesn't know what would have happened. 

I asked what her Mom did when this all was going on.  She said her Mom just stayed there naked on the couch with this blank look on her face like "I can't believe this is happening, I'm going to my happy place." 

So after the neighbor was safe in his house Z went back into her house and cussed her Mom out and left for a few days. 

I swear, someone could write a book about her life and it would be a really entertaining read. 

Both our parents cheated.  My Dad cheated a lot and I'm pretty sure my Mom cheated too.  I overheard a phone call once where my Mom was saying some things that sounded pretty suspicions.  It was the middle of the night and my Mom was on the phone making plans to meet up with someone the next day after she dropped us kids off.  Yes, it could have been a friend.  But why would she have been talking to a fiend in the middle of the night and being all secretive about it?  And the next day she dropped us kids off at Grandmas and told my Grandma she had a lot of errands to run.  And I was thinking, "You don't have errands to run, you have to go see whoever you were on the phone with last night."  I was maybe 12 at the time. 

Z and I both took the way we think of cheating in different directions though.  For me, I just grew up believing that everyone cheats and that it's just inevitable.  And what do you know?  Most people I've been involved with have cheated on me.   And I've put up with it because my way of thinking was always, "Well, it happens.  It's just part of life." 

She had the opposite view on it.  She would drop anyone at even the slightest suspicion of being cheated on.  It's something she just won't tolerate. 

It is pretty nice being with someone I can trust and who isn't going to go out and bang other people every chance they get.  Pretty much everyone who came before her was only with me until a better option came along.  My ex husband was always infatuated with some other woman, usually some coworker.  Whenever he would come home from work and say, "So they hired this new girl at work..." All I could think was "Great, here we go again."  And then his infatuation with new girl would last either until she shot him down or until she didn't work there anymore.  And if I ever said anything, well I need to stop being so damn jealous all the time. 

My recent ex, D, would hit on other women right in front of me.  It was actually funny in a twisted kind of way.  Like I'm standing right there, and he's hitting on some girl, and then he can't understand why she isn't just jumping at the chance to get with him.  Um... maybe because she doesn't want to get with someone who would hit on other people right in front of their SO?  Just a wild guess, D. 

Random sidenote... I see humor in the fact that I call him D in here because so many insults start with D.  Yes, that is what his name actually starts with.  But so do other delightful terms like douchebag, d*ckhe*d, dumb*ss, etc. 

[Cynder]

Today was a long emotionally exhausting day...  My Grandma's house has been sold.  We tried so hard to keep it in the family, but it just wasn't possible.  I am really mad at myself...  Since she died I've had multiple family members tell me I should have bought it when I was house hunting 5 years ago.  It just never occurred to me to try to buy my Grandma's house while she was still alive and living in it.  And it has so much potential.  The building she ran her business out of for 45 years is also on the property.  It would have been a perfect studio.  I really hope the new owners don't tear it down. 

I went to the house for a bit by myself and had my moment.  All my good memories from childhood are in that house.  My parents' house was a hell hole when I was growing up.  But Grandma's was my happy place. 

Pretty much every psychedelic experience I've ever had... once the stuff starts really kicking in, it's always images and memories of grandma's house that I see.  A Shaman told me once that our minds go to that safe place from childhood.   I feel like my inner child is still in that house.  And now I can't go there anymore. 

Something no one thinks about when they are young... the way entire families age.  The grandparents are the glue that holds the family together, and then by the time they die, the younger generation has kids of their own and then a new set of grandparents take over that role.  Except in my family the younger generation is mostly childless.  My youngest brother has a kid.  But he disowned us, so we will never see his son. 

So now that all my grandparents are gone, I feel like my whole family is dismantling.  No more big family get togethers on holidays, etc.  We are just going to become a bunch of estranged people who happen to share DNA.  And my family is huge.  We are a huge Italian family who is well known in my town.  We have a street named after us.  My Grandpa had a table that was permanently reserved for him at a bar that has existed here since the 50s.  My ex and I used to joke around about my Grandpa being a mobster, lol. 

It's just so depressing, seeing the evolution and knowing that I am at the end of it.  The only person who will carry on our legacy is a kid none of us will ever meet. 

My Grandma was 89 when she passed away but not even the slightest bit senile.  I filmed her telling the story of her life.  She was a carhop on roller skates back in the 50s.  She had her first job when she was 12, picking apples. 

Out of all the stuff I could have asked for from her house, the one main thing I wanted was the letters her and Grandpa wrote to each other when he was stationed in Germany.  There was some drama over that, because certain family members didn't think I should have them.  But oh well.  I asked first. 

I have to call two therapists tomorrow.  Both of them are people I've worked before, but for different things.  One is a women I saw for a time about 15 years ago when my ex husband was beating me up on a regular basis.  The other one was actually out marriage counselor for all of like 4 sessions.  Marriage counseling was pointless with him though because whenever things got too intense he would just leave.  But this guy does all kinds of therapy.  He works with OCD patients one on one.  He seemed awesome when he was working with my ex and I. 

Z also plans on finding someone.  I told her today I really want her to talk to someone.  It's pretty disturbing when y girlfriend tells me with a 100% straight face that she's glad she doesn't own a gun.  She told me last night I'm too emotional sometimes.  Well, I currently have nowhere to unload.  When I was seeing a therapist regularly, I would go in her office, cry about all the things that were weighing heavy on my mind since I last saw her, and she would give me advice, ad then I would leave feeling a lot better.  Now there's no dumping ground.  I need my dumping ground again. 

Sorry if this was sloppy.  I'm not proofreading it.  It's too depressing to read back through again. 

[Cynder]

So I got an unexpected raise last week at work.  Tonight at midnight my first paycheck containing said raise will go into my account.  And I feel like I've definitely earned it since two situations have arisen this week where I had to basically step up and play manager.  It's nice to be appreciated at work.  The company I work at is about 85% male in a male dominated industry.  Like it or not, women just aren't taken seriously where I work.  I stopped even trying to climb any kind of ladder years ago.  I just decided to accept my place at the bottom and be grateful I even have a job.  You know how hard it is for visually impaired people to find real work, etc.  But now there's been talk of promoting me. 

Z started at her new job yesterday.  It's a restaurant job.  She works with a few people she worked with at another restaurant years ago before she came out and started transitioning, and they all keep calling her by her old name.  She hasn't actually changed her name on the legal end yet, so technically it still is her name.  But that isn't what she wants to be known as. 

She's also been cooking more when she's home, too.  I really like seeing that because it's something she's passionate about.  She never went to culinary school or anything.  It's all natural talent.  Kind of like Reese From Malcolm in the Middle... she's just a really good cook. 

I keep almost slipping up and calling her my Fiance'.  I'm sure there's all kinds of ways any psychologist would interpret that.  Something in my gut tells me that will likely be true eventually.  I've never met anyone I clicked with on this level and I could see us being married one day.  And I know it's mutual, too because when she has one too many drinks she completely loses her filter and she has straight up said it.  There was a time here recently where she was sending me a bunch of random pics of wedding dresses.  Then it was a Friday night.  We had some people over and alcohol was flowing.  She told me at one point that she was sending me those pictures for a reason.  She commented another time that she knows she will be my wife one day. 

I really hope this new job is a positive thing for her.  I know she had high hopes for her last job and that didn't work out at all.  I miss staying up all night with her on the weekends like we used to do.  We haven't been able to do that since October since at her last job she had to be there at 4am. 

She is planning on looking for a therapist also now that she is at this new job.  We both agreed we need therapy right now.  She is going through depression and my OCD has been a little out of control lately.  It's time to be proactive. 

L and I are coloring our hair tomorrow night.  It's always so much fun when we do this.  My hair has been some variant of peacock colors for about 3 years now.  It's a little different every time I color it.  And K will be here and I haven't seen him all week.  So I get to hang out with my K Monster tomorrow night too. 

Here's to Fridays. 🙂

[Jibralta]

7 hours ago, Cynder said:

So I got an unexpected raise last week at work. 

Well, that's always nice! Congratulations!

[Cynder]

So, it was a year ago today that I met my lady.  I feel like our story is so interesting... but it probably isn't to anyone who didn't live it.  Everyone's love story is interesting to them. 

The fact that I probably wouldn't have met her if it weren't for D is the real kicker.  I guess the Universe really does have a plan for everything.  Here I am, thinking I've got things figured out finally and I will never let anyone abuse me again.  Then along comes D.  And he was hot, charming, and a business owner like me.  We both wanted a lot of the same things out of life.  And I was thinking ok, after all the crap I've been through, here's my reward finally.  In the early days our dates consisted of sitting in my art room working for hours while listening to music, talking and drinking wine, eating take out.  

And then his mask started slipping.  I'm not going into the gory details of all the crap he put me through, but I didn't put up with it for very long, at least.  

Then we aren't even broken up for that long and his friend Skye introduces me to Z.  That was January, we didn't become a couple until August, but I might as well say the rest was history, lol.  I knew there was something there when I met her.  

On a different subject, OMEW was canceled.  I really am starting to wonder when shows will start back up again.  I know there's more to it.  The pandemic is a serious thing.  I just remember when it started and everyone thought things would be back to normal again in a few weeks.  People might think I'm being selfish wanting shows to start back up again, but that's a huge chunk of my income and it's something I'm passionate about. 

OMEW was in May.  So was Hell City.  SO now we've had 2 Spring shows cancel his year.  Only thing I have left for Spring now is PRFM and OC Indianapolis. 

I have 7 paintings all sketched out for OC Indie.  They are so picky with what they allow that instead of trying to get away with any of my older work I'm just creating new work.  OC is supposed to be all about celebrating the strange and unusual.  and they have this "We embrace the wacky and the weird" attitude.  But boy... if your booth doesn't look Goth enough they will ban your ass.  They were on me at the end of 2019 because my booth wasn't Goth enough for them. 

Personally though, I think they mixed up my booth with D's booth.  My booth is all black and purple, layered lace table covers, etc.  I always wear Gothic gowns at that show, etc. D's booth is all wooden and has that rustic old country feel to it.  And he dresses really preppy at shows.  But I think they mixed things up because they needed to see pics of my Tarot setup and when I sent them, with my booth in the background (The pics were actually taken at OMEW, ironically.)  They responded with a comment asking why D's booth was behind my Tarot table.  So yea... I think they think D has the Goth booth and mine is the old country booth.  Idk... I know show organizers have a lot on their plate and they can't be expected to remember exactly who everyone is, etc.  But this has caused me to wonder what they will think if Indie happens this year and they see D setting up his old country style booth.  Are they going to go over and ask where I am and why I'm setting up a booth they don't approve of?  Honestly if they do, D would throw one of his little fits and get himself kicked out.  Meanwhile I'll be over on the other side of the venue setting up my Goth booth like, "Yep."  Hopefully he'll have to walk right by me on the way out too so I can give him a big smile.  (He actually tried to get me banned from this show, just for some context.)      

[Cynder]

So I finally booked an appointment with a therapist.  The biggest challenge I had in this search was finding someone who is actually doing face to face appointments and not phone appointments.  I hate talking on the phone, for one.  But the biggest thing I'm not comfortable with my entire household hearing me discuss really personal stuff with a therapist.  This is a 120 year old house.  The rooms are small and the walls are thin.  I especially don't want my 7 year old nephew hearing me because he already suffers from anxiety at such a young age. 

I don't know if this is true for all kids, but I know when I was a kid I had the idea in my head that adults don't get emotional.  SO whenever I saw an adult getting emotional (crying, etc) it was really scary and unsettling. My nephew is already scared of everything.  I don't need to scare him even more. 

My appointment isn't for 2 weeks.  I just really need a place to unload. 

[Cynder]

I trimmed my hair tonight and layered it.  I love the way it came out.  Now my color just needs touched up.  My rich emerald green is looking more like swampwater green right now. 

I have naturally curly hair and this was something I hated when I was a kid.  Mainly I hated it though because my family wouldn't just leave it the hell alone.  My aunt and grandma are both hair stylists.  When I was growing up I had boy haircuts from about age 8 to 13.  We had school pictures in October every year and every year right after school pictures my Mom would take me to either my grandma or my aunt's house and have them chop off all my hair.  In all my school pics up until about 9th grade my hair is just above my shoulders. 

I was told over and over again that my hair would never grow long because it's curly.  They always would tell me "The longer it gets the more it's just going to curl up into a big fro."  Well, that's not exactly how it works.  Curly hair actually straightens out more the longer it gets. 

Meanwhile my sister had hair down to her ass and hated it and begged my Mom to let her get it cut.  For a while she was going over to a friends house and having her friend cut it for her a little at a time.  My Mom started to notice and got really pissed. 

I asked my Mom once why she insists on my sister having long hair and me having short hair and she said because my sister's hair is so pretty it would be a shame to cut it.  Mine isn't pretty so it's better if we just keep it short, etc.  I swear, everything boiled down to looks and aesthetics in my family.  A similar explanation was given to me once when I asked why I got in so much trouble for cuddling with my boyfriend but my sister could get caught half naked on top of her boyfriend and nothing happened to her.  My Mom spun that into some mental gymnastics bs about how my sister and her bf are both good looking, and they were just doing what horny teenagers do.  Ok... but teenage me and my teenage boyfriend aren't allowed to cuddle because we're ugly?  I don't even know. 

As an adult I've never had short hair.  The shortest it's been in the middle of my back.  I usually cut it about to there, let it grow to the waste, and then cut it again.  My sister has had short hair most of her adult life.  My hair has been about every color of the rainbow at some point.  I had dreadlocks for a while too. 

But anyway, I love how my hair feels after a good haircut.  It's interesting that I feel that way now as an adult considering haircuts were kind of a traumatic thing for me as a kid.  I'm guessing it feels better now because it's on my own terms and no one is forcing me to get it cut.  It didn't help either that when I was a kid if I got upset about getting my hair all chopped off I was just made fun of and told to stop being a f-ing baby. 

Z will be home from work any minute.  Wonder if she'll notice.  If not I'm fine with it.  I don't expect her to notice every little thing.  

[Jibralta]

9 hours ago, Cynder said:

It's interesting that I feel that way now as an adult considering haircuts were kind of a traumatic thing for me as a kid.

I'm glad you got over the trauma of haircuts--they're still traumatic for me lol!

[Cynder]

Well, it was bound to happen eventually.   months together and Z and I had our first argument.  As much as it sucks I'm of the opinion that all healthy couples argue.  I think we handled/resolved it pretty well.  It didn't last all that long, either. 

We both are sexual abuse survivors.  And as a lot of people reading this are probably aware, sexual abuse survivors usually have issues with bathing.  Obsessive bathing or fear of bathing is pretty common. 

Well, she is an obsessive bather.  She takes at least two showers a day.  And she's also really obsessive about the cleanliness of her bed. 

I actually have a bit of an aversion to bathing.  I mean, I bathe and I consider myself a clean person.  But I don't always bathe every day.  There are a few reasons for this.  One is it's related to past trauma for me.   But also, even though my OCD is more thought focused than ritual focused, bathing is something that is really ritualized for me.  I have so many weird hangups about it.  I can't even get in the shower unless the shower is perfectly clean, for one.  My ex always wondered why I didn't take showers at his house.  Well it's because his shower was so dirty and disgusting I couldn't even look at it without gagging.  And the towels have to be laid out a certain way, etc.  I won't go into all the details but sometimes it's just more work than I want to put in that day.  Also, my skin is stupid sensitive and my dermatologist told me that washing every single day could make it worse.  I don't get dirty at my job.  It's not like I come home from work all sweaty and covered in dirt every day. 

Depending on how my day is going/what I have to do that night, sometimes I come home from work and take a shower.  Sometimes I don't, but I do the next morning before work. 

So yesterday I got home from work.  I was dead tired so I was planning on taking a nap.  I changed into PJ pants and a t-shirt (Both clean) and I was in her room talking to her sitting on her bed.  Her comforter was all balled up.  I was sitting with my back against the wall and I picked up her comforter and was just going to put it behind me like a cushion.  She kind of snapped at me and told me not to use her comforter.   I told her I was just going to put it behind me.  And she told me since I got home from work and haven't taken a shower she doesn't want me using it.  

Well, I didn't use it, but the rest of the conversation was awkward.  I went and took my nap. 

I woke up from my nap and took a shower.  She was standing at the back door smoking and we were talking.  I told her I'm sorry about what happened earlier and she told me that's been an issue she's had with me for a while that she's been wanting to bring up but didn't know how.  She said she doesn't think I"m a very clean person and she really doesn't like it when I sit on her bed when I haven't had a shower, etc.  And considering her room is always where we hang out, and the amount of times I've done this all I could say was "Well now I just feel like sh--"

I just walked into the art room, sat down and put my headphones on.  Yes, not the most mature way to handle it, I know.  But I was speechless.  It's not like I come home from work all dirty.  And I always change when I get home.

So for a while I just sat in the art room watching YouTube videos and she was up in her room (most likely also watching YouTube videos.) 

We started messaging back and forth.  I know some people reading this are cringing at that.  But whatever works, right?  Personally, when I'm upset it's hard for me to talk.  But I can text pretty easily and get everything out in a rational way.  And it seems like she's the same way.  So we talked through this in text messages. 

She wants me to take two showers a day like she does.  Ok, that's what I'll do.  Personally I think it's excessive and unnecessary, but if that's what will make her happy, than I'm willing to do it.  It's not like it's going to hurt anything.  And if the water bill becomes an issue I will just start showering at work or at the gym before I come home. 

She came downstairs and she was like, "I know you're really pissed off at me right now."  I told her I'm not pissed off at her.  I"m more pissed off at myself and I'm more confused and embarrassed than anything else. 

She said maybe she's just being too picky. 

I've also heard her say in the past that L (our other roommate) isn't a clean person either.  Idk if she thinks anyone who doesn't bathe twice a day is unclean or what.  But either way, I'm willing to bathe twice a day if that's what will resolve this issue.  

I mentioned the cleanliness of her bed earlier... people think it's weird that we have separate bedrooms.  I know if we started sharing a room that would likely be something else we would have to compromise on.  I sleep with my laptop on the bed.  My phone and my phone charger are on the bed.  My cat sleeps on the bed.  And sometimes I even have my water bottle on the bed, lol.  At my old apartment the breaker used to blow all the time so I even slept with a flashlight on the bed just in case it blew in the middle of the night and I needed to get up. 

So we made up.  It's all water under the bridge now.  Hopefully it's at least 6 more months before we argue again because it does suck.  Seeing her cry is absolutely gut wrenching. 

And aside from all of that, I also forgot to take my meds yesterday.  Normally I'm the one that cries easy.  I never used to cry this easy.  But yesterday I didn't cry during all of this, which really surprised me.  So now I'm wondering if my meds are actually making it harder to manage my emotions. 

A few months ago I was at the vet's office getting my cat's meds.  There was a family in the waiting room who were about to have their dog put to sleep.  It was a Mom, a teen daughter, another daughter who looked about 12, and their Dad.  Well, when it was time to go into the room, both the daughters wouldn't go and they were both sobbing.  The Mom was crying too and the Dad was asking the two girls if they were sure they didn't want to go int he room.  They both insisted on staying in the waiting room.   And so here's this mother and her two daughters all three hugging and crying in the waiting room and the dad is trying to persuade them to come and say goodbye to their dog and he was choking up too.  Meanwhile here I am standing at the counter watching this all go down, and I actually started to cry.  I was discreet about it.  But still, as an adult I seriously need to get a better grip on my emotions sometimes.  The above situation is exactly why I decided I could never work in a vet clinic.  (I thought about training to be a Vet Tech when I was in my 20s.  I could never do it.) 

[Cynder]

On 1/29/2021 at 6:05 AM, Jibralta said:

I'm glad you got over the trauma of haircuts--they're still traumatic for me lol!

Yea, when I was a kid having my hair cut was awful.  It was never about making me look nice or anything like that.  It was all about just chopping off all my hair and then making fun of me. 

[Cynder]

All the talk about bathing and stuff in my house the other night made me remember when I was younger and the way that kind of thing was handled in my house. 

My parents had some weird rules/hangups about clothes/hygiene, etc. 

When I was 15 and started working I started buying my own clothes.  This also meant buying my own bras and panties.  But my parents were really weird about what I was allowed to buy even though it was my money.   And I was the Goth chick at my high school.  They didn't really care what I wore on the outside as long as it didn't violate the dress code at school.  But I was not allowed to wear pretty underwear or pretty bras.  I wasn't even allowed to have colored bras/panties.  No lace.  No patterns.  Especially nothing black.  Black bras and panties were for hookers according to my parents and pretty underwear were only for sl*ts.  They tried to say if they let me wear pretty underwear I'll start wanting to show it off to everyone.  And a few times this was even used against me in a "Well why do you care what your underwear looks like? Who have you been showing it to?" kind of way.  So I would dress in black from head to toe, dark eyeliner, combat boots, etc... but I'd be wearing white granny panties and a white granny bra.  

Meanwhile, of course my Mom and my sister both had whole drawer-fulls of colorful, lacy, silk, etc undies.  When I asked my Mom about this the explanation was that she's a grown woman and she'll wear what she wants and that my sister can be trusted not to go around taking her clothes off so she's allowed to have pretty underwear. 

Even back then I thought this was funny because it was so ridiculous.  What did she think I was going to do...?  Walk into school and be like, "Hey, who wants to see my lace thong?"  and then just drop my pants for everyone?  I was a stupidly good kid.  I didn't lose my virginity until I was 20.  And yet I can't have pretty underthings because I'll just start showing them off to everyone.  Ok Mom.  And if she only knew about all the sex my sister was having back then.  There were a few times my sister invited guys over in the middle of the night and banged them in the driveway in their car while my parents were asleep.  She got caught with a guy in the middle of the night once... but of course nothing ever came of it because why would anything?  If it would have been me I would have literally been beaten. 

And I wasn't allowed to use a loofa to wash myself either.  I was really into using different types of body wash and lotions and stuff when I was younger.  I loved hot oil treatments for my hair, mud masks, etc.  My Mom had a huge problem with loofas and body wash.  Her reason for not wanting me to use a loofa was because-and this is a direct quote- "You can't wash your crotch with a loofa."  Um... yes you can.  And as far as body wash, she swore up and down that body wash isn't for washing your body.  What the hell is it for then?  She said it was just to use after washing so you smell good.  I showed the the instructions on a bottle and told her it's for washing but she still insisted that I shouldn't use it because it doesn't kill germs or anything, it's just to smell nice.  

She also seemed to think I never wash my hair.  And I swear... it was like clockwork, whenever I washed my hair in the morning, she would always tell me later that evening how dirty my hair was and ask how long it's been since I washed it.   I would tell her I just washed it this morning, but of course I was lying.  Of course, lol.  It got to the point where I would joke about this with other family members and be like, "Hey I just washed my hair this morning so Mom's going to tell me how dirty it is tonight at dinner. Just wait."  And then she would, and my brothers would laugh, and she would get all annoyed wanting to know what they were laughing at. 

I know reading this it probably sounds like I'm being really hard on her.  But I kind of am.  She was really hard on me all my life until very recently.  She was also drunk most of the time back then and she had a pretty good coke habit.  (And I don't mean coca cola.)

And it's been interesting seeing how roles have shifted over the years.  Now that my youngest brother disowned all of us she treats me completely different.  And he could do no wrong growing up.  Him and my sister had it made.  Her and I didn't speak for a long time.  Then she got in contact with me right before I left the country back in 2015 to go drink Ayahuasca for the first time.  She was convinced I was going to die.  I mean for real.  She thought I was just going to go into the forest and kill myself.  Even then though, it wasn't like, "Hey I'm worried because hallucinogens can be dangerous and you're going to be in an unfamiliar environment, etc."  It was more like "I'm worried because you don't understand what you're getting into."  The whole conversation just had this patronizing feel to it.  Like I didn't understand what was about to happen and I just listened to some bad people who convinced me this was a good thing to do, etc.  It was like she didn't think I was capable of actually making an informed decision.

This was something that was on my bucket list for about ten years before I actually did it.  I watched every documentary I could find.  I read everything I could get my hands on.  I talked to a lot of people who'd already done it.  I put hours and hours of research into finding the right Shaman.  I had a whole checklist of criteria I wanted and if someone wasn't able to accommodate everything on the list I moved on.  And when I finally did find the right Shaman I talked to him for months online before I made the trip.  I talked to other people who went to him, asked how their experience was, etc.  I'd say my decision was pretty informed.  Still the best decision I've ever made. 

[Cynder]

Z and I had such a good time last night.  L and K were gone for the evening.  L was with her bf and K was at his Dad's.  So we had the house to ourselves.  I've lost some weight since having covid.  And I miss wearing all my show clothes that I never get to wear anymore.  I mean, I have some epic outfits for shows.  Depending on what show it is, I get really done up sometimes. 

And she has a lot of clothes that she hasn't been able to wear because of just the way her body is.  Before she started on hormones, she used breast forms which meant she couldn't really wear anything low cut.  But she has all these low cut tops and dresses stockpiled for when she has real boobs.  And now after some time on HRT, her's are growing naturally.  She can't really wear her breast forms now because they don't sit flat against her chest like they did before. 

So basically we spent a god amount of time last night drinking wine and trying on clothes.  At the end of the night we were just sitting in her room talking and watching YouTube videos and she's in this silver evening gown and I'm in this epic black Gothic gown. 

It's so fun being able to have a girls night with my lover. 

And then at around 7am I woke up and was going to go crawl into bed with her.  She was awake watching John Oliver.  She told me she had a really bad dream and couldn't go back to sleep,  The dream was about her dad.  She has really vivid dreams about her dad sometimes and they are always scary.  Usually she's young and living at home in the dreams, and her dad is usually beating her.  The one she had last night was a little different, but I'm not going into all the details about it.  

She is hoping now that she's had a few weeks to get used to the new job that they will start putting her on a more predictable schedule.  Or at least as predictable as possible with restaurant work.  That was she can start setting up therapy.  She wants to get back on her meds and talk about a lot of this.  She told me this morning she doesn't know if she's supposed to go and confront her dad or what.  He's alive and lives here in town. 

So after watching some more John Oliver, we cuddled up in her bed for a while and went back to sleep.  I'm sure a lot of people think it's weird that we have separate bedrooms but we have our reasons.  There is no law that says a couple has to share a bedroom.  I'm sure we will eventually but right now it's just easier this way.  But because we don't sleep together every single night it makes it so much better when we do. 

And speaking of sleep, 4am will be here before I know it, so I better get to bed. 

[Cynder]

So I have an appointment for therapy scheduled for the end of next week.  This therapist sees people at different offices.  One location is walking distance from my place.  The other location is all the way up on the north end of town where I will either have to take the bus or take a taxi to get to.  I chose to go up there because the location I can walk to is right across the street from where Julie lives.  I've mentioned Julie in this thread before but it's been a while ago.  I've known her for about 7 years.  For 6 of those years we were friends.  She is now engaged to D, my ex.  I can't say for sure but I'm pretty sure they were messing around when he was still with me.  They're both scum.  And I'm sure D probably spends a lot of time at her place, too.  And the last thing I need is to be seen down there near her place so he can tell everyone I'm stalking him. 

So the story is as follows... 

Julie and Josh and I were hanging out a lot for a while.  (Josh isn't my ex.)  And then there was also Kevin, Della and Lindsey who were part of our little tribe.  Well, Julie was on OkCupid and she got matched up with this guy who I kinda knew from the festival scene.  I knew who he was but never really talked to him.  She asked me at one point what I thought of him.  I told her I don't really know him.  And she said she was trying to get him to come to church with her because the UU that we both attended needed more members.  And then she said at a later time that she wanted to set him up with Lindsey because she thought they would be perfect together.  Well, Lindsey wasn't interested and then I didn't hear anything more about him. 

Well, spoiler, that was D, my ex.  I don't do online dating.  Well, months go by, and I did this winter show at an art museum.  Well, at that show D approached me during setup and we talked for a few.  I didn't think much about it.  Then the next day during the show he came over to talk to me and brought me a tea and some chocolate covered almonds.  He asked me to come over and see his booth, which I did.  Later on that day he asked me to go out to dinner with him after the show.  Jesus... if I could just go back and tell myself to tell him no...  Hind sight right? 

So the first night of the show him and I went out with a bunch of other vendors.  The second night we went out alone.  The place we went was a bar and grill type place that was open till 2am.  We closed it down. 

He dropped me off, walked me to my door and kissed me goodnight. 

Next day I texted Julie and told her we need to talk when she gets a chance.  In the mean time Lindsey texts me and asks me how the show went.  So I tell her "Hey you remember that guy that Julie was talking to over the summer?  Him and I went out last night."  And she told me she's sure it won't be a problem because it didn't seem like Julie was that into him anyway and that was like 6 months ago.  If something was going to happen it would have by now. 

Then Julie and I talk.  And she basically told me to go for it because she just didn't think it would ever work with him.  She said his religious beliefs aren't the same as hers and he doesn't want kids and she does, so they wouldn't be compatible at all.   

So D and I start seeing each other.  Some time passes, everything is going great, and I had a party at my house.  This whole group of people was here, along with a bunch of other people, and D.  Well, Julie basically threw herself at him at this party, right in front of me.  I mean hard core.  She was a little drunk and she's asking him to give her a massage and everything.  It was so tacky. 

Then at the UU one Sunday she comes up to me and tells me that D is so great and she's really kicking herself now for passing on that opportunity.  I told her in the most polite way possible, "Yes, but you did pass on it."

Well, more time passes.  And I start seeing more of D's true colors.  That nice guy mask was slipping.  And Julie started showing up at events where D and I both were vending, supposedly to see me, but she would barely say two words to me and camp out in D's booth.  And she started hugging on him and stuff.  And at one point she didn't know I was watching and she started laying with his shirt and his hair.  He got a talking to and so did she later on that night.  She came back to his booth and I told her we needed to talk.  I told her enough is enough, you don't need to be showing up to events and hanging all over my boyfriend.  And it's also worth noting that she wasn't single during all this.  She was dating a guy named John. 

Well she ran off crying, acted all shocked, unfriended me on Facebook, etc.  When we talked again she's all like, "Oh I can't believe you think I would do that!"  She's acting like such a hurt martyr...  really? 

And D used to make fun of her.  He would talk about how loud and annoying she is.  He used to say she had "Dunlap syndrome" because she's so fat when she sits down her belly hangs over onto her lap.  He would talk about how ugly she is, etc. 

Well...  I dumped him and wow, what do you know... she breaks up with her boyfriend that same week.  I don't know how much time passed before they got together because I blocked him on Facebook and I didn't know it at the time but she blocked me.  But I don't think it was much time at all.  And they got engaged almost instantly. 

So, I guess she won.  But is it really winning if it's by forfeit?   She's with him now because I dumped his ass and he's probably only with her to piss me off.  He's just that kind of person.  He's all about revenge.  He tried everything her could to ruin my business when I broke up with him and even though he didn't ruin it he hurt it pretty bad.  I'm sure at one point he was probably like, "Ok, how else can I make her mad?  Well, that Julie seems to like me a lot.  I'll get up in that." 

There are a few things I would love to say to her.  like, "Ok Jules. You saw him treat me really bad at events.  Do you think he's going to treat you any different?  I know right now he treats you like a queen.  He treated me that way too for the first year.  Wait until he starts teasing you about your weight and telling you you have Dunlap syndrome.  Then what?  And guess what... his religions beliefs are still radically different from yours and he still doesn't want kids.  Wow, I'm sure your marriage (assuming it even happens) is going to be a real riot." Lol.  

I know the day is coming where she's going to contact me (probably crying) because he's abusing her.  To be 100% honest, the reaction she will get will depend entirely on my mood that day.  She might get empathy and support.  She might get ignored, and there's also a chance I might just laugh in her face and be like, "Well you wanted him baby.  Guess he's your problem now."  

I hope I'm around to see it at a safe distance when the karma buss runs both of their asses over. 

[Cynder]

Z and I were up way too late last night for a work night.  We started watching this Documentary and doing that thing we do where we kept pausing it and getting into conversations about random stuff. 

The conversation got really heavy after a while, though. 

We were talking about her meds, and she was telling me she doesn't think her doctors really know what they're doing.  She's on the highest dose of estrogen she can legally be on and she actually wants it lowered.  It's causing some unpleasant side effects.  She was saying the doctors should be checking her estrogen levels before prescribing the meds, but they've never bothered to check any of that. 

I honestly don't remember all the details of how things escalated, but she ended up getting really emotional last night.  She was saying lately she's been so confused because she doesn't even really know what she wants to be anymore.  She said she's starting to wonder if she's actually more gender fluid than anything else.  She said there are days when she feels like she's trapped in a stranger's body and wants a woman's body, but then there are days when she feels like maybe she does belong in a man's body, etc. 

Obviously I've never been in her shoes, but I can imagine what that must be like.  I told her if she decides to go ahead with her transition and if she has a woman's body in the future I will still love her.  Or if she decides to be male for the rest of her life I will still love her.  And if she decides to stay androgynous like she is now for the rest of her life I will still love her.  Being with her now is interesting because I never know who to expect.  Like am I coming home to girl Z today or guy Z?  It doesn't really matter because I'm in love with them both. 

She was saying she feels like it's pointless on some level because no matter what she does she will never have a truly female body.  And she was talking about having to take hormones for the rest of her life, etc.  She actually started to cry and was telling me she feels like she's always going to just be a freak.  She said she's not really male or female, she's just an it.  I told her she's not an "it" an It is an object, she's a person. 

Over the summer we had a party here.  It was one of those impromptu things where we invited a few people over to play Cards Against Humanity and then it just snowballed, and before you know it the house is full of people till like 5am, lol.  But that night some friend of our other roommate referred to Z as it when she wasn't in the room.  I gave him a warning.  I told him that's not what we call her and if he says it again he can get the f out of my house.  If anyone is wondering he was really apologetic after that. 

We ended up staying up till almost midnight.  When I finally went to bed she came into my room and got in bed with me and we were laying in the dark talking in my room.  She said some really touching things to me last night.  Part of me wants to repeat them, but I think I will keep it to myself for now.  I will say this though. no one has ever talked to me like she did last night, ever. 

And I'm glad I'm getting back into therapy next week.  I really am screwed up in the head in a lot of ways.  Someone expressing their love for me in such an intense way scares the sh- out of me.  My parents only prepared me for unhealthy relationships and so far that's all I've ever known.  Before her, the closest thing I had to a healthy relationship was with my ex Aaron who I've written about a lot in this thread.  Him and I were together for years and then he blindsided me and ended things out of nowhere.  At the time he made it all my fault.  He ended it right after my first time doing Ayahuasca because he decided he just couldn't be with someone who does drugs.  (Spoiler... what actually happened was he met someone else.  I didn't find that out for a while though.) 

Now though, being in a healthy relationship is scary.  I have no idea how to navigate it.  I feel like I have to relearn everything.  Last night we were laying in bed cuddled up and she's telling me no matter what she will always love me and that one day she hopes I'm her wife, etc.  And I have no idea what to think or how to react.  I wasn't upset though, it's not like that.  I just don't know how to handle that.  I have no idea how to take a compliment even from a stranger because I never got any praise or compliments as a kid, ever. 

And actually since I just mentioned Ayahuasca... that was something else we talked about last night.  She is thinking of trying it.  I think it could really help her.  And I am not one of those devotees who thinks everyone should try it.  I don't.  I think a lot of people can't handle it, actually.   I've done it almost a dozen times and the last time I did it I was pretty sure that would be my last time.  But is she wants to do and she wants me to do it with her I would do it again for her.  If she wants to do it by herself, that's totally fine too.  I do think it could really help her though.  It's good for healing trauma.  Honestly I think I would be either be dead or insane now without it. 

[Jibralta]

I'm curious about Ayahuasca. LSD was my absolute favorite drug, psychedelic or otherwise. But it's a huge commitment. Once you take it, your day is over.

Funny story: When I was 25, I had a dream that I dropped acid and went to work--it was actually sort of a nightmare. In the dream, I was sitting at my desk, feeling the effects of the drug start to seep in, and I was like, "Oh no, why did I do that??" When I woke up, I felt so relieved.

I haven't done any hallucinogenic in my life as a mature adult, probably because of that dream!

I took mushrooms once. They absolutely floored me. I mean, I couldn't get out of my bed. I just laid there, crying for a couple of hours. It was so intense. But then again, I ate the entire 8th. I probably shouldn't have done the whole thing, but I didn't know.

[Cynder]

On 2/6/2021 at 8:16 AM, Jibralta said:

I'm curious about Ayahuasca. LSD was my absolute favorite drug, psychedelic or otherwise. But it's a huge commitment. Once you take it, your day is over.

Funny story: When I was 25, I had a dream that I dropped acid and went to work--it was actually sort of a nightmare. In the dream, I was sitting at my desk, feeling the effects of the drug start to seep in, and I was like, "Oh no, why did I do that??" When I woke up, I felt so relieved.

I haven't done any hallucinogenic in my life as a mature adult, probably because of that dream!

I took mushrooms once. They absolutely floored me. I mean, I couldn't get out of my bed. I just laid there, crying for a couple of hours. It was so intense. But then again, I ate the entire 8th. I probably shouldn't have done the whole thing, but I didn't know.

This is a subject I could write a novel about, probably literally.  I have had similar dreams of tripping at work.  I've never done acid though.  I did mushrooms on a houseboat in Amsterdam.  My experience on them was more tactile than visual.  I kept feeling the boat rocking when it wasn't.  I kept feeling a sensation like being tickled with a feather, etc.  I also took a small dose, though.  I bought a 16th and only ate half of them because I wasn't sure how they would affect me. 

Ayahuasca is a whole different thing though.  It's not recreational at all.  My family thinks when I do it it's just an excuse to wander out into the woods and get really high.  I've tried to explain that it's not about "getting really high."  I think the only one that gets it is my brother.

I've heard a lot of people say that before taking it you have to be prepared for a journey straight into Hell, and they are right.  I think the most scared I've ever been in my life was my third ceremony.  I remember at the worst point of that experience thinking "What the f was I thinking?  This is way too much for me.  I'll never touch this stuff again."  But I've done it quite a few times since then, so obviously I recovered. 

But it's not all terrifying and hellish experiences.  I've also felt really euphoric and amazing during ceremonies.  The most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life was when a storm hit during a ceremony over in the Netherlands and there was all this lightning going off in the sky.  Oh my God, every time lightning would strike the sky would light up in these geometric patterns in millions of colors.  It was just amazing.  I tried to do a painting of it but there's no way I could ever do it justice. 

[Cynder]

I came home from work yesterday to find a bundle of multicolored daisies and a bottle of Green Kombucha on my desk.  Yesterday was our 6 month anniversary.  I honestly wasn't expecting anything from her.  I am still learning to navigate a healthy relationship.  So glad I'm getting back into therapy. 

But of course... my appointment this friday for therapy might have to be rescheduled, along with setting up a booth this weekend at a brick and mortar shop I'm supposed to start selling in... because I woke up sick this morning and now I have to go get another Covid test before I can re-enter society.  I guess the upside is it doesn't feel the same as Covid.  I had Covid, this feels different.  Let's hope I can get in for a test and get my results quick.  

[Cynder]

Z has an appointment with her OBGYN today.  She is three months into HRT and while it's working in a lot of respects, it's also causing some pretty bad side effects.  I'm hoping the Doctor can help her resolve this.  She wants them to lower the dose.  It's not like it's causing any medical issues.  But it's changed her personality and she's been depressed since starting on it. 

I'm still sick, stayed home today.  I'm fortunate enough to have a job that is understanding when people are sick.  Where I work would rather have someone stay home than come in and infect everyone there. 

I've been sick a lot over the last year or so, though.  Yesterday I got some immune boosting supplements.  (Doctor recommended.)  I have a vitamin D deficiency, but that's common in my part of the word because we don't see the sun a lot here.  I take vitamin D every day but the doctor thinks I need more B and C as well. 

I've got everything ordered to take up to RS this weekend.  I'll tell you what... selling at these brick and mortar consignment shops has kept me afloat this last year since there are no shows. 

My only really lucrative consignment contract before this was CF over in the next state.  I sold there for years and made a killing.  Their clientele loved my black and white paintings.  It was to the point where whenever I would post a black and white painting online the owner would start sending pics of it to clients and it was usually sold before it even got there. 

D sold there too, though.  And he did a lot of things to make me look bad to the owners.  We went there one Saturday and on the three hour drive there he pretty much verbally abused me the whole time.  Then when we got there he's Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky and well he just doesn't know what my problem is.  Also there was a situation where the owners somehow got the idea in their heads that I was going to buy this $200 item from the store that I never agreed to buy.  That ended up being this whole big thing.  I'm still not sure what happened there but I'm sure D was behind it.  And once when I was at the shop with D I tripped over a buffalo skull that was sitting on the floor. 

Well, after I ended things with D they just decided out of nowhere to terminate my contract.  According to them, 15 people threatened to boycott their shop if they continued to sell my work.  Sorry but I don't buy that for a second.  Nothing I've ever painted would offend that many people to that degree. 

Yes, I paint a lot of nudes.  And a lot of my paintings have Occult imagery and drug references.  Ok, I get that stuff is offensive to a lot of people.  But this store doesn't cater to little old grannies and soccer moms.  They sell scented candles shaped like penises.  They sell sculptures of vaginas.  It's owned by a gay married couple and one of them regularly conducts business in full drag.  The store mascot is a 6 foot python who they regularly get out and let customers hold.   So, if anyone went in there and found my work offensive, they would have found the whole store offensive. 

I have a few theories on what happened.  They made good money selling my work too, so from a business perspective they must have had a pretty good reason to cut my contract, especially considering they were really financially strapped at the time.  So I think the most likely scenario was something like this.  D. How much did you make last year selling her paintings and prints?  Them: We made $XXX.  D.  Well I'll give you triple that right now in cash if you cut her contract. 

I counted on the money I made selling there.  At that time I had a lot more credit card debt than I do now.  I've paid quite a bit of it off over the last year.  But at the time I really was counting on what I made at that store.  D has a trust fund and doesn't have any bills.  He can just throw money at every problem in his life until it goes away.  It must be nice.  Him and I don't sell the same things, so it's not like I was competition for him. 

And as far as that whole 15 people boycotting thing... either D got 15 of his groupies to contact the store and say that.  Or he created 15 fake emails/Facebook accounts and contacted the store saying that.  That's if that part of the story is even true at al.  That could have been something the owners just made up just to give me a reason why they were cutting me out. 

I know for sure that D had something to do with it, though.  No concrete proof, but I just could tell.  He was present during this whole conversation and he was just standing there smiling in this really smug way.  When I got the news I just told them it was really great working with them and thanked them for the opportunity.  I hugged them and said "No hard feelings." 

It's their loss and their karma.  One day they will see what D really is, hopefully. 

People don't understand how cut throat this industry can be.  Some artists/artisans are out for blood.  I've always made it my mission to not be a d**k.  D doesn't care who he pisses off.  One day it's going to catch up with him though.  I think it's already started to actually because I know a few organizers who've banned him from their shows. 

And it's well known in the community that he's well off and doesn't actually need the money he makes.  He can afford the really nice tent.  He can afford the best lighting setup to make his booth look really good.  He doesn't even make 90% of the product he sells.  He pays little old ladies that his Mom knows a couple dollars each to make a bag that he sells for $40. 

He targeted another vendor long before he knew me.  She wasn't anyone he was involved with romantically.  He just saw her as a threat and started trash talking her to show organizers.  He basically drove her out of the area.  She still lives here but has to go far away now for all her shows. 

Oh well though... He can't hide from Karma. 

[Cynder]

My anxiety is awful today...  can't seem to get it under control. 

[Jibralta]

Anything in particular?

[Cynder]

22 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Anything in particular?

Well, oddly enough I think my therapy appointment on Friday was the reason for this.  I haven't seen a therapist since August and there was just a lot of pent up crap coming out. 

My OCD is very relationship-centric.  And up until now all I've ever known are bad relationships.  Having now idea how to navigate a healthy relationship and bracing myself for bad things to happen has been an issue lately.  I just keep questioning myself.  I get into arguments with myself about things that can't be proven.  Like, What if I don't love her enough?  What if I'm too f'ed up to even be with anyone?  Etc. 

It also doesn't help that I've been pretty sick since Tuesday.  I just can't shake whatever this is.  I was off work for two days but then I had to go back to work and start functioning normally with flu symptoms every day. 

And then on top of that (Sorry if this is gross) but It's my first, uh, time of the month in about 4 years.  I haven't had a period since I got my IUD and now suddenly I'm having it.  I'm sure that's not helping my mental health. 

I'm so bad about going down bad rabbit holes and thinking about all the bad things that could happen.  Z started on anti-depressants yesterday.  And I just kept thinking about all the bad side effects of the particular drug she's on.  HRT has already changed her personality in some ways.  So now are SSRIs going to change it more?  I have no way of knowing. 

My life was constant chaos as a kid.  That was all I knew and now that things are calm, I'm just bracing myself for chaos.  In my experience things don't work out.  The guy doesn't get the girl.  The bully doesn't get their karma.  The nice person always gets screwed.  Life is just a series of bad things with a little good thrown in once in a while.  Well, now things have been good for a while, so I'm just waiting... like ok... when is it all going to turn to sh*t?  

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, Cynder said:

now that things are calm, I'm just bracing myself for chaos.... like ok... when is it all going to turn to sh*t?  

I get it!

I had chaos in my life growing up. And for a long time, I existed in a state of almost constant tension. Sometimes I deliberately created the chaos in situations, just so I wouldn't be surprised by it when it finally happened. If that makes any sense. I've also found myself frozen with fear, as an adult, at the most mundane situations.

[Cynder]

On 2/14/2021 at 5:36 PM, Jibralta said:

I get it!

I had chaos in my life growing up. And for a long time, I existed in a state of almost constant tension. Sometimes I deliberately created the chaos in situations, just so I wouldn't be surprised by it when it finally happened. If that makes any sense. I've also found myself frozen with fear, as an adult, at the most mundane situations.

I was taught from a pretty young age that I'm not allowed to be happy.  When I was growing up if something made me happy my parents would find some reason to take it away from me.  I learned not to get excited about anything, not to look forward to anything, etc.  So, as an adult when I start to feel really good it's almost like subconsciously hovering over the panic button.  Like ok, this isn't right.  I hate it.  I wish there was an easy way to just make it go away.