Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

[Cynder]

So apparently Z is already bored with her newest toy.  That was quick.  They just started dating on the 6th.  I only remember the date because I went and saw Tool that night.  Maybe it was him who realized how screwed up she is.  I'm just remembering all the comments from people saying they are so happy and so in love.  People made those same comments when her and I made it official.  I guess they weren't that happy and in love after all, lol.   

[Cynder]

My Liminal Instragram is gaining some traction.  I am trying to get permission to go into an abandoned bowling alley this weekend.  I've already been inside it once.  This was a couple months ago when I went out with a friend of mine and the bowling alley is right behind the bar we went to, and the same people own it.  We were talking to the owner who was tending bar and he was telling us about this abandoned bowling alley that they plan on remodeling, etc.  We asked if we could see it and he let us go inside and wander around for a few minutes.

I called them yesterday and the owner was like, "Well what do you plan on using the photos for?"  That's a reasonable question.  I told him most likely they will just be posted on my instagram.  I'm not planning on making any money off them.  He was like, "Well we don't care if you make money off them.  We just don't want to be associated with anything bad." 

Idk... maybe there are people who think urban exploration is bad.  I wasn't aware of that.  There is a lot of overlap between liminal space photos and urban exploration photos.  The concepts are different but share similarities.  Liminal spaces evoke feelings of nostalgia but are also unsettling for a lot of people.  They have the quality of feeling like you know this place and you've been there before but not being able to remember exactly when.  Like places you've seen in a dream, etc. Urban exploration is more about showing the beauty in decay and abandoned places.  But since a lot of liminal photos are taken in abandoned places there is overlap.  

Out of all the LS photos I've taken personally, this one is my favorite.   And it was taken over a year ago when I didn't even know that's what it was.  I wasn't even trying to take a LS photo.  I was just walking home from somewhere at night and there was this house with this green balcony that I thought was so cool.  That's not even the front of the house.  It's the back of the house.  Idk I just thought it was really peaceful. 

[Cynder]

So, when people drink they don't want to pee because after that you just keep having to pee a lot and it's annoying.  They call this "breaking the seal."  People in bars say stuff like, "man I have to piss but I don't want to break the seal yet." 

I feel like this was comparable to me and my hiatus from Facebook.  I was doing great for a while there.  From March 9th to March 24th, I did not log on at all.  Then two things happened.  I finished a painting.  And I heard through the grapevine that Z is no longer with her new toy (er... boyfriend.) 

So I logged on to post a pic of the painting.  And I checked to see if what I heard was true.  It was.  Well since then I've had this attitude like, "Well logging back on wasn't that traumatic, so..." 

Well, last night I was on there and saw something that really pissed me off that I wish I could unsee.  But I can't unsee it.  So, if nothing else I think of that as the universe telling me to stay the flip off Facebook.  If anyone is wondering, what I saw was someone I thought was a good friend of mine, who I've known for years flirting with her in Facebook comments.  She posted one of her trademark showie really forced looking selfies that she likes to post.  And here comes my friend like, "Wow you're smokin' hot!"  Meanwhile this same person has told me they don't like her, etc.  It's actually funny...  Z likes to recycle selfies.  The one she posted was an old one that she took back when her and I first started dating.  Well, that was her profile pic when she left me, too.  And this SAME PERSON told me she looks "r-worded" in that picture.  They didn't say r-worded, they said the actual word, but I'm not repeating that here for obvious reasons. 

Ok so back in August she looked r'd in that pic, and now you're telling her how smokin' hot she looks. 

Z did not react or reciprocate at all, which is really out of character for her.  Normally she's all over any bit of attention anyone online is willing to give her.  Idk though, she might not have reacted because she didn't want me to see.  But who knows what she said to them in private. 

I don't expect the worst in everyone.  But I have gotten to the point where I think the worst about a lot of the toxic assklowns I kicked out of my life.  I didn't think this person was like that.  But I guess that's another one down.  And I could have saved myself any pain and anger I felt if I would have just stuck to my guns and stayed the hell off Facebook.  I'm more mad at myself than I am anyone else, tbh. 

I know I said I was going to ask Jen to post finished paintings for me.  But I just didn't feel right asking her to do that.  No matter how much I trust someone, idk... it is so intimate having access to someone's Facebook account.  I mean, every conversation they've had on messenger, etc.  And Jen isn't the kind of person who would snoop.  It's hard to explain...  That's just a lot of information to give someone else access to.  I know I wouldn't feel comfortable logging into someone else's account even with their permission.  Maybe that's why I'm not comfortable giving someone access to mine. 

So idk... maybe I should reward myself in small ways.  Like, if I don't log in for a week I'll get Sushi on the weekend or something. 

L went out and got trashed last night and called off from work today.  Keepin' it classy as always, l,ol. 

 

[Cynder]

"Conquering the stumbling blocks come easier when the conqueror is in tune with the infinite."

I really wish Z wouldn't have ruined Maggot Brain for me.  Thank Gods she didn't ruin this song. 

[Jibralta]

I love Maggot Brain! My boyfriend hates it. He loves that whole album and hates that one song. I love that one song and could do without the rest of the album. Sorry to hear that she ruined it for you. 

[Cynder]

So, last night this lady who comes into the club and I got talking about jobs and stuff.  And she told me I would be perfect for this one position where she works.  In my city there is a home for troubled teenagers.  They provide all kinds of services.  They are looking for an overnight people to basically hang out there and hold down the fort overnight.  It pays a lot more than what I make now.  And this is pretty much the same thing I did at the rehab center. (Most of the time.)  When I worked at the rehab I was the receptionist for some shifts and the shelter monitor for other shifts.  But as a shelter monitor my job was to be basically an adult babysitter.  I know that sounds really condescending to say that but that's pretty much what I was doing.  I was supposed to just walk around and make sure the residents aren't doing anything their not supposed to, make sure chores are getting done, etc. 

I'm still not sure what happened there as far as my being let go.  There were a lot of things that didn't make any sense about that situation.  I mean, I would own it if I messed up and deserved to be fired.  I volunteered there once or twice a week for 5 months.  And then one day the manger took me aside and told me they really like me and are really impressed with my work as a volunteer, and she asked me if I'm interested in a paying position there.  And then I worked there for a couple months and one day she called me to tell me they took me off the schedule.  I asked why and she's like, "Well we have some concerns about you."  I asked what the concerns were and she said, "Well, just some tings we heard." She just kept talking in circles and wouldn't say what exactly it was they heard.

I think my mother in law was behind it, tbh.  She hated me.  She had no idea I worked there and I guess she had some friends in management.  Once she found out I worked there, well, then suddenly I'm no longer working there. 

But anyway, this lady who comes into my work was telling me they are looking for someone to fill that position overnight.  And the pay is really good, etc.  So I was really excited.  I got on the website as soon as I woke up and started reading through the qualification.  Well, my bubble was busted pretty quick because a driver's license is required.  I have missed out on so many opportunities because I can't drive.  There are a lot of jobs that require a DL even if driving is not part of the job duties at all.  A lot of employers explain this by saying, "Well we require it because we want to make sure employees can get to work."  There seems to be this myth that people who can't/don't drive just never go anywhere.  I've been to job interviews where I was offered the job and then turned down as soon as they saw my ID because "Well, how will you get her to work?"  I just want to be like, "How are you so stupid?  I made it here for the interview didn't I dumb*ss?" 

I called the place to ask if that's a requirement they are really strict about or if it's just there as a formality.  Because the drug rehab required a DL too, on paper.  They didn't actually enforce it.  A shelter monitor doesn't have to leave the shelter, ever.  Especially in the middle of the night.  And it's frustrating because I have all the other qualifications.  I have a Bachelor's Degree.  I have experience in this field.  I know first aid/CPR.  I can pass a background check.  I had all kinds of conflict resolution training at the rehab center, etc.  This would be a perfect job for me. I left a voicemail there.  Hopefully they call me back. 

Yea, working at the gym is fun.  But I'm getting tired of the politics of the place.  It's annoying that the people who work during the day just chill and hang out all day tanning and getting massages, but the two of us who work at night are expected to do a crazy amount of work every night, and if we don't get everything on our lsit done because we run out of time, we get b*tched at.  But when we DO get the list done (and we usually do, unless we are really busy with customers that night) then we get accused of lying and not actually doing everything on the list.  Plus I'm being told some of the day shift staff make fun of us a lot.  My co worker is this hippie chick for CO.  She has dreads, etc.  The two of us on overnight crew are unique looking.  That's apparently something some of the day shift people who are conventionally attractive frown on.  I get it.  I know image is a big thing for a lot of businesses.  This is a place people come to tan, work out and get massages.  There is a vapidness to the whole place.  The people who work during the day are all good looking and very fit.  I realize they probably wouldn't have hired me for a daytime position.  But knowing that I'm being laughed at and made fun of... and so is the other girl who works with me.  It just sucks.  And the guy I replaced was overweight, tatted up, etc.  And they picked on him too. 

I feel like the way I look would be an advantage at the group home.  I really hope the DL thing is just a formality and it's not an actual requirement.  And I really hope I didn't shoot myself in the foot calling to ask about it.  Another assumption people make when a person doesn't have a DL is that they must be a criminal and lost it due to drunk driving or something.  And having any kind of criminal record would automatically disqualify me.  I've actually shown my ID before to buy a bottle of wine and had the cashier be like, "Oh wow, I've never seen what someone's ID looks like after a DUI."  I got snarky with her and said, "I've never had a DUI, you shouldn't make assumptions about people."  I don't care if I was buying a bottle of wine or not.  Assumptions are a huge pet peeve of mine. 

 

[Cynder]

On 4/6/2022 at 5:23 PM, Jibralta said:

I love Maggot Brain! My boyfriend hates it. He loves that whole album and hates that one song. I love that one song and could do without the rest of the album. Sorry to hear that she ruined it for you. 

For all the bad things that have happened to me in my childhood... Maggot Brain is actually a song that brings back good memories from my childhood.  My dad loved it and used to play it in the car all the time when I was really little.  I'm talking toddler little.  But I remember it.  I remember falling asleep to it when I was little, too.  There were some really cool things about my parents.  One of these days I'll write more about that.  I've written enough about all the negative things.  But my parents were cool in a lot of ways, too.  They were angry people with substance abuse issues and that had a lot more impact than the cool things they did, though.  

But anyway... after I wrote that post I got to thinking... why the hell am I letting her ruin a song that had a lot of meaning to me long before I ever even met her.  One of the bands she was in covered Maggot Brain and she used to play their cover version of it a lot when we were hanging out, especially when we first started dating.   And the more I thought about it... she actually had nothing to do with the cover version of it.  She was the singer, not the guitarist.  The lead and rhythm guitarists actually played it.   She told me more than once that she wasn't even there when it was recorded and she was pissed about that.  She took it as some form of insult that they recorded it without her.  Well, you were the singer, they didn't need you.  So basically... she had nothing to do with a cover version of a song that a band she was in recorded without her.  And who knows if she was even a part of the band at all?  Honestly, all the lies she told... it could have been a cover she ripped off YouTube for all I know. 

So shortly after writing that post, I actually listened to it for the first time since before she left.  Screw her.  It's a beautiful song.  It reminds me of being a young child.  There's no reason to associate it with her at all. 

So, my first Al Anon meeting was last Monday.  It was actually really emotional.  I walked in there and did the thing I really was hoping I wouldn't do.  As soon as people started telling stories... I was really trying hard to not get emotional.  The thing that got me the most was this lady who talked about going to an AA meeting with her husband who's in recovery.  They lost their daughter to a drunk driver.  And some guy shows up at the meeting and starts telling the story about the car accident he caused years ago... and it was the guy who killed their daughter.  That was a hard thing to sit through. 

Something less intense was the LGBTQ meetup I went to on Wednesday night.  That was a lot of fun.  I met some really cool people.  There was a lady there who teaches aerial yoga.  And that's something I've wanted to try for a long time.  I've seen people do it and I think it looks really fun.  But I never knew it was available here in my small rinkydink town.  So I actually signed up for one of her classes tomorrow. 

OCC is in two weeks.  I really have a lot to do.  I don't have the drive and the excitement I used to have for Festivals.  I really hope that comes back.  I still love doing them.  But my depression is just overshadowing a lot of it now. 

 

[Jibralta]

Good that you went to the Alanon meeting! I know that was a big step for you.

[Cynder]

Well, I guess I should have seen this one coming.  There's been such a dramatic upswing in my mood lately.  Between meeting new people, losing weight, and cutting out all the negative crap from my life... Of course all that stuff is working.  Well, last night, guess who decided to start texting me out of nowhere?  I swear she has a 6th sense.  It's like she knows exactly when to swoop in and make trouble.  But in the past I couldn't answer her fast enough.  I got my hopes up thinking this time would be the time.  Maybe she's actually taken some time to reflect and think about things.  Maybe she's trying to change.  But she never is. Letting her get too close only results in me getting hurt.  I did answer her, but I answered her 12 hours later and my answer was really phoned in.  I know a lot of people will say I shouldn't have answered her at all.  And I'm sure that's true.  But I am still weak as far as she's concerned.  After everything I'm still in love with her.  But I also realize being in love doesn't change anything.  She's still toxic.  She's still an alcoholic.  She still hates herself and wants to drag others around with her.  I could love her for decades and that wouldn't change who she is. 

Maybe she will realize I'm not just at her beck and call anymore.  I love her but the love I have for myself is starting to win out. 

Every muscle in my body is sore from aerial yoga.  I mean, it hurts to take a deep break because my abdominal muscles are so angry.  I'm going to talk to the personal trainer on staff at work and ask what's the best way to build core strength and upper body strength. 

There was some drama with L the other night.  I'm still not sure what happened exactly.  I will own my role in it, though.  I let my frustrations out a little... to K of all people.  I know this was bad.  Money has been really tight lately and K keeps asking me to buy him stuff.  I tell him I can't afford it and he doesn't seem to understand.  Well, the other night I was getting ready to go to the store and L and K came home from being out.  And K saw my grocery list on the computer and started asking if he could add a bunch of stuff to it.  I told him no, I have to pay the house payment out of this paycheck and I can't barely afford the things on the list.  (I actually cut some corners and decided to go without some things on the list just so I could afford to go to that class yesterday, if anyone is wondering how I could afford a yoga class but then turn around and complain about money.)  So K said he's going upstairs to eat his dinner.  And I asked what they got for dinner.  and he says, "Oh, Mom got us *name of the most expensive restaurant in town.*  I'm not exaggerating, either.  This is the one restaurant in town where the executives at all the auto plants go.  This is the place I go maybe once a year when I get my tax refund.  It's a place where one person could easily spend $100. 

Ok... L hasn't paid rent for a while.  She's always too broke.  So that really pissed me off.  Then a few minutes later K comes downstairs and says, "Can you add paper towels to the list?"  We already have paper towels.  I told him there's already some out there.  And he said we are almost out.  And I didn't even think really before I blurted out, "Well tell your mom to buy them.  If she can afford *expensive restaurant* then she can afford paper towels."  And then I added, "And she can pay her rent, too." 

And he said, "Well the food was really expensive and now she doesn't have any extra money." 

And I said, "Well I don't have extra money either. Sorry." 

Ok, I know this was really wrong.  It's not K's fault his Mom is a deadbeat.  I'm just getting really tired of hearing about how broke she is... but she can afford to drink.  She can afford to eat out for almost every meal.  She can afford to buy all these clothes and shoes and stuff from Killstar and Dolls Kill. 

So, my ride got here and I left right after that. 

I came back home from the store and K came downstairs and he's like, "I'm leaving.  My Dad's on his way to pick me up."  And I said, "You just got here."  And he was like, "Well I'm just really upset."  I asked what he was so upset about, worried that I upset him.  And he said, word for word, "I don't deserve to be here."  I asked why he doesn't deserve to be here.  And he said, "Because I"m not a good son." 

His dad, J, got here and L went outside and sat in his truck with him for a long time.  While they were outside K and I watched Youtube videos and colored in the art room.  Well, when L came back inside she just sat  on the stairs sobbing while K got his stuff gathered up and left.  And I mean, she was loud crying.  When L left I asked if she wanted to talk and she said maybe later.  Then she went up to her room and was really having a meltdown.  I could hear her all the way downstairs in the art room.  She was up there crying and screaming like her whole world was crashing down.  I don't know what transpired in the half hour I was grocery shopping but obviously it was bad.  I really hope what I said to K wasn't the catalyst.  I doubt it thought because knowing her, if it was that she would have just got in my face and cussed me out when I got back.  I wonder if her bf dumped her.  (f so good on him since she's cheated on him more than once.)  Or I wonder if she went outside to talk to J about what I said, expecting him to be sympathetic and side with her and maybe he gave her some tough love and told her I'm right, she does need to pay the rent. 

J gives her money all the time.  I wonder if he decided he's cutting her off financially. 

Honestly, I feel bad, but then again I don't.  Karma is real.  When Z left and I lost my job and was dealing with a cancer scare, and my cat died, etc all within weeks of each other, she just couldn't be bothered to help me in any way.  She disappeared for a few weeks and went and stayed with her boyfriend.  And she made the whole situation with Ed a lot worse during that time.  (Ed, who she was planning on making a sex tape with while she's in a relationship with someone else... and Ed who's also married.)  She loved to tell everyone that Z is a pedophile and that I'm some kind of monster for knowingly bringing a pedophile around K.  (None of that is true... Yes Z is not perfect and she has a lot of problems.  But she is NOT a a pedophile.)  But L loved telling people she is, and that I knew and let her be around K, etc.  But then L is also turning around kissing Z's ass on Facebook and sending her videos of her and K.  There's just so much crap I could list here.  Bottom line is she was a horrible friend to me during the worst time of my life.  And she was violent with me to the point where I had to go to a hotel for a night after she came back from staying with Bf for weeks.  And Karma is real.  I offered to talk to her.  She would rather go in her room and cry and scream. 

I know this is all probably really confusing to read for anyone who doesn't actually know all these people.  Especially since I refer to most people as a letter on here.  I'm sure there's probably something interesting that psychologists would say about the way I name people on this thread.  Because some people I just never gave a fake name or a letter.  My ex Aaron, who I wrote about A LOT on here... he was in the picture for a long time.  He was always just Aaron here.  And that's his real name.  Elijah is another one.  I've written about him here and there.  His real name is Elijah.  And he even has a whole thread about him on here.  I mean, I didn't use his name in the thread, but still.  He is the creepy client who wanted me to come over and sleep in his bed and keeps wanting to take me out for Sushi. 

Elijah and Aaron... both biblical names... and both from the Old Testament. Z's legal name is a biblical name, also from the Old Testament. Maybe the moral of the story is don't trust people with Biblical names, lol.  

Anyway... lets go from talk about Biblical names to a song about the Devil.  I gots to go get inventory ready for OCC. 

 

 

[Cynder]

If I didn't need the money I would call off from work.  I've done nothing but cry all day.  My eyes are bloodshot.  I have a headache.  I was in the bathroom dry heaving over the toilet earlier. 

I have an al anon meeting later on tonight.  After the day I've had and after going to the meeting I know I will be mentally drained.  I just want to crawl into bed with all the lights off and watch trashy reality TV.  I know it's immature but shows like The Bad Girls' Club and my go to when my mental health is in the toilet. 

 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Cynder said:

If I didn't need the money I would call off from work.  I've done nothing but cry all day.  My eyes are bloodshot.  I have a headache.  I was in the bathroom dry heaving over the toilet earlier. 

I have an al anon meeting later on tonight.  After the day I've had and after going to the meeting I know I will be mentally drained.  I just want to crawl into bed with all the lights off and watch trashy reality TV.  I know it's immature but shows like The Bad Girls' Club and my go to when my mental health is in the toilet.

I'm awfully sorry to hear this, Cynder. What has she said to you that could be more upsetting than the menstrual smear on the tile?

You might believe that your progress has been set back, but it has not. You'll make strides then be tested, more strides with larger impacts and more tests with lesser impacts.

Nothing can take your progress away from you.

Head high, honey. (((HUG)))

[Jibralta]

11 hours ago, Cynder said:

I have an al anon meeting later on tonight.  After the day I've had and after going to the meeting I know I will be mentally drained.

How did it go?

[Cynder]

Still one of the most beautiful guitar solos ever...  This is a perfect song for me right now considering I've done nothing but cry for the last two days. 

[Cynder]

So today I woke up and laid in bed bawling my eyes out for an hour.  Got up and packed my lunch for tonight and took a shower, etc.  Had a conversation with L via text where she told me she spent all last weekend trying to come up with the best way to kill herself.  That coupled with Z telling me that she tried to kill herself a couple times after she left me... It was just too much.  I considered calling off work again today.  I need the money, though.  People act like mental health isn't a valid reason.  We weren't busy last night at the club at all.  I cried all night at work last night while cleaning the place.  I am able to pull it together pretty well when I need to, so no customers caught on. 

So today I decided I need to be kind to myself.  I went to relaxation Yoga and group meditation at the studio downtown.  Then when I was walking home I stopped at this really nice locally owned grocery store that has one of the most heavenly things ever, Peanut Butter Mousse.  So I stopped there and got myself a single serving thing of it and some fresh strawberries to eat later on my break at work. 

I just decided I can't sit here and cry all evening and then try to make it through another shift at work.  It really does amaze me that I can be feeling so good, and then all she has to do is start a conversation... and I'm wrecked for days.  I cried in the shower today.  Hell, I cried during the end of Yoga class.  It's not like I was sitting there making a big show of it or anything.  But at the end of class they do this thing that has a long complicated Sanskrit name that I can't remember.  But basically everyone lays in a comfortable position for like ten minutes and just breathes deep.  And the teach comes around with oil and gives everyone a quick neck massage and then he puts a cool towel over your eyes.  Well during that time I was shedding some tears, and he knew it, too.  I guess that kind of thing is common, though.  I know a massage therapist who told me once that a lot of her clients cry during massages, too.  Because when endorphins are being released, etc, sometimes it causes an emotional reaction. 

So, hopefully tonight will be easier. 

I don't know why her telling me over and over again how sorry she is and talking about all the guilt and regret she's feeling is having this much of an impact on me.  Honestly I feel like it would be easier on me if she just sent me a bunch of texts cussing me out and calling me every name in the book.  I have no idea why.  Maybe because I grew up in a household where no one ever apologized for anything and so I never learned how to handle it.  I don't take compliments well either because I never got them as a kid.  Insults bounce right off me, though. 

One day when K grows up I wonder if he will ever realize that he kept his Auntie alive at one time. 

Exhale, expel
Recast my tale
Weave my allegorical elegy...
 

 

[Cynder]

Why do I continue to burn myself with the torch I still carry for you? 

So you were suicidal too after leaving?  What if we both would have done it?  Would we be better off dead? 

[Cynder]

Idk why this has been on my mind so much lately.  Maybe because I've been thinking a lot about personal responsibility and projection a lot, idk. 

When I was a kid, my parents seemed to think everything I did was some cold, calculated evil move to make them and my siblings miserable.  And a lot of seemingly innocent things I said were twisted around to fit their narrative.  And their narrative is that I'm disturbed and basically a psycho, so I got in trouble a lot for innocent comments that didn't mean anything close to what they accused me of meaning.  My dad was a lot more guilty about this than my Mom was.  But she participated, too.  I had an aunt who also did this all the time with me, too.  Everything I did in her presence was twisted around and made into something it wasn't. 

I remember one time the battery in my Mom's car went dead because the door wasn't closed all the way and the dome light was on all night.  Well, that was my fault.  Why?  Because they think I was the last one in the house the night before when we came home from wherever we were.  So of course I must have walked back out to the car and opened the door so this would happen.  It was the front passenger side door that wasn't closed all the way.  My Dad was sitting there when we went out the night before.  But it couldn't possibly have been him who didn't close the door all the way.  They think I came in the house last, so I must have done it just to inconvenience them. 

I remember the first time I ever heard the song Bohemian Rhapsody.  I was maybe 10 at the time.  We were int he car with my parents and my sister and I were in the back seat just dying laughing at this song.  It was the Galileo part that really got us going.  And my parents were amused at the time, too.  My sister and I are laughing at this crazy song that's playing because it was so different, and my parents were laughing at us laughing at it.  And then my parents were going back and forth about who sang it.  They couldn't remember if it was Queen or Styx.  Well then, skip forward about 2 years.  Now I'm 12.  (12 seemed to be the age when my Dad especially really thought I was disturbed.  I could write a whole long ass post about some of the things that happened to me around that time...)  But we were sitting in the parking lot at the drug store when my Mom was inside picking up a prescription.  Guess what song comes on?  I didn't even realize it was the same song until it got to the operatic part.  And 12 year old me just blurts out, "Hey, this is that funny song!" And then what followed was my Dad berating me for several minutes about how I must think murder is funny because Bohemian Rhapsody is a song about a guy who murdered someone, etc.  "Oh, you think killing people is funny?  Really?  You think that's funny?  You're such a brat."  (That was his word for me until I hit my teenage years, then he called me another B word all the time.)  Then my Mom comes back out and he tells her that I was saying I think killing people is funny. Ok... that IS NOT what I said!  I didn't even pay attention to the first party of the song at all.  I just knew it was that song with all the opera stuff where they were singing about Galileo.

We were watching TV once and someone on TV made a comment about the band AC/DC.  I was 12 at the time.  I didn't even listen to AC/DC.  But then my Dad starts talking about how this one time some kids got killed at one of their concerts and they were so rude they wouldn't even stop playing and shut the show down when they found out people were dead.  And then my Dad starts berating me about this because that's the kind of music I like and I listen to bands that don't care about people dying at their concerts.  At the time I couldn't even name one song by them.  I just knew they were that band where the singer that that really gravely voice and that they had one song with bagpipes in it.  So now I'm being confronted about how I like bands that kill people and how messed up in the head I am... and all I was doing was sitting on the couch watching TV.  And also... years later I dated someone who was obsessed with AC/DC.  And I remember watching a Documentary about them with this guy, and they talked about that incident that my Dad was talking about.  What my Dad said happened wasn't actually what happened.  People were killed.  But the band members didn't refuse to stop the show and they weren't all happy about it. 

Something similar happened one other time with my Aunt that I mentioned earlier and Aerosmith.  My Dad was a huge Aerosmith fan, too which makes this even weirder.  This woman wasn't actually my Aunt.  She lived next door to my Grandma for 50ish years and she had a huge part in helping raise my Mom and my aunts and uncles.  So they all called her their aunt, and then when my generation of kids was growing up we all called her our aunt too even though she wasn't a blood relative.  But she was one of these people who thought I was evil from the getgo because of the circumstances around my birth.  So in her eyes everything I did was wrong and evil.  Well we were at some family gathering at my grandma's place once and she was there.  And she started talking about switching through the channels on TV and seeing this band performing and how disgusting they were because the singer grabbed his crotch while singing.  She couldn't remember what they were called but it was something Smith.  And stupid 12 year old me was like, "Aerosmith?"  Big mistake.  So on the way home my Mom and dad are both berating me because my aunt was so disgusted by what she saw and she can't believe thatch the kind of music I listen to, etc.  Why do they let me listen to bands like that, etc. And I said during this conversation, "I don't listen to them, you do." to my Dad.  Well he wasn't having any of that.  I was in the backseat of the car and he said "If you were where I could reach you I'd slap your f'ing face right now you brat."   And this is all because my Aunt saw Aerosmith on TV and the singer grabbed himself and she was disgusted.  I had nothing to do with any of it. 

There is another weird incident involving Aerosmith and my Dad that I will write about later.  I don't have time right now because I'm about to leave.  But there are actually some similarities between both stories.  It's oddly funny, in a twisted way. 

Anyway, I have tog et going. 

 

 

[Cynder]

This is the best music ever for when I'm doing any kind of clerical work... And I really like the visual, too.  I love futuristic imagery, etc.

 

[Cynder]

Don't know why but I came home from yoga class completely drained and defeated today. 

I went and deposited my paycheck and then I was early so I got an iced mocha at the coffee shop next door.  I finished it and walked out of the coffee shop and into the yoga studio and the thought came to me that I don't even have kids but I'm becoming a soccer mom.  A purple haired soccer mom with a couple dozen tattoos... funny. 

I just feel really down today.  And I have to go to work.  Tomorrow morning I'm supposed to meet up with J for breakfast and possibly more back at his place.  I need the release.  Sex is so easy to get.  I asked him not to kiss me on the mouth and he's fine with that.  I really need to find a girl FWB.  FWB arrangements aren't near as common in the lesbian community because women get attached so easy.  I've shut the part of me that gets attached down.  That's why I won't let J kiss me. 

I guess I can't say it's completely shut down because I still have really strong feelings for Z.  But those feeling are in a box locked up with a few padlocks sitting on a shelf somewhere inside me. 

I would rather build a 100 ft wall around myself and cover it in barbed wire and venomous scorpions than let anyone get close to me again. 

I told her I don't think I will ever trust anyone again because of her.  I told her she destroyed several long term friendships of mine.  I told her I really want to forgive her, because I do.  But it's more for myself than her.  Typing that I thought of this one story I heard in a YouTube video by the channel called Let's Read.  The narrator on that channel has a voice that is just scrumptious.  His videos are relaxing and his voice is just so soothing.  But anyway... the last story in this video below...  Yes it's not the same as my situation with her.  But somehow I can relate to the guy in the story.  The feeling of thinking you know someone and then having it all be an illusion, etc.  The trust issues, etc. 

Anyway...

 

 

[Cynder]

So, Muse's kittens are a week old today.  She had 5, all black... except one of them has a little bit of white on its' chest.  K came over today and he couldn't wait to see them.  She had them in my bedroom closet.  So the nest has been pretty undisturbed. 

I feel like K has learned more about reproduction in the last couple weeks from me regarding this pregnant cat that he has from anyone/anywhere else.  He wanted me to find a video on YouTube of a cat having kittens so he could see what was going to happen to Muse.  And I did.  We watched it together.  And While we were watching it he was asking me where they come out, will she poop them out, do they come out the butt, etc.  And then he was surprised at how gross they look when they are first born.  He thought they would come out all cute and fluffy, lol. 

Today when I took him upstairs and we looked at them, Muse was laying down feeding them.  And as soon as I opened the closet door she sat up and was on alert.  And I said something to K about how we interrupted their dinner time.  And he was like, "They weren't eating."  And I said "Yea they were.  She was laying down feeding them."  And he was like, "There's not food to feed them though."  I said, "She was feeding them milk."  He wanted to know where the milk came from and I said from her nipples.  And he laughed and was like, "Not from her nipples!"  And I said, "Yea, that's what nipples are for."  And he was like, "So could I feed them milk from my nipples?" 

It's funny, but at the same time I felt so uncomfortable having this conversation with a little boy. 

I may keep one kitten. They all look like they might be longh aired, too.  I had a long haired black cat when I first moved out on my own.  He was my little vampire boy.  I named him Vlad.  He was 10 when he died.  The kittens look like little versions of him. 

Yea it's funny...  typing out this whole thing about kittens... while listening to a song called Dogs. 

Aerial yoga tomorrow, yay!...

 

[Cynder]

So, I'm having a real hard time sleeping.  I got up a little bit ago to go to the bathroom and I looked out the window.  There was this car just sitting outside on the street right in front of my house.  I don't live on a corner, so it's not like it was sitting there waiting to turn or anything.  And I'm about 95% sure it was Z's car.  Yes, it's dark out and I'm visually impaired...  But it looked like her car to me. 

[Jibralta]

8 hours ago, Cynder said:

It's funny, but at the same time I felt so uncomfortable having this conversation with a little boy.

LOL what a crazy world we live in. The softest, most gentle, nurturing part of a human body is regarded as a threat to the social order. There's a whole nother thread about unleashed boobies somewhere on this site.   People are really upset about them 🤣

It's so damned easy to be realistic about our bodies. I remember when we had sex ed in elementary school and middle school. There was a little giggling i the beginning, but the teacher stayed the course and we all fell in line.

I think that people enjoy being morally outraged too much to be rational 🤣

 

[Cynder]

My Mom and my sister are both starting to put on some weight.  They've both been blessed with lightning fast metabolism and been super skinny all their lives no matter what they eat.  I didn't get that gene, unfortunately.  I've always been thick and curvy and it's something they've both harassed me about all my life.  My Mom used to live on junk food.  And I remember her telling me once, "I eat chips and ice cream every day and look at me.  If I look like this and you look like that, I can't imagine how much you must eat every day."  I could write a really long post about this.  It's been something I've put up with all my life.  But now, seeing the two of them struggle with their weight is kind of funny.  I know it shouldn't be, but it is.  Now they might realize a thing or two. 

My sister is doing keto, and not sticking to it at all.  And she keeps trying to get me to do it too.  I won't because it's a fad diet.  You might lose a lot of weight, but once you stop doing keto you'll gain it all back.  So it seems like a lot of pointless work to me. 

My Mom was giving me crap the other day about the cold brew coffee that I drink.  She was talking about how it has so many calories, etc.  The diet Arizona green tea she drinks now may not have any calories but it's still loaded with aspartame.  No calories doesn't necessarily mean healthier. 

 

[mylolita]

Hey Cynder!

 

From your posts about your family, a thought just popped into my head!

 

I used to read a blog, years back, best thing I ever have read and nearly still is, called ‘The Bunny Blog’. The girl behind it was called Erin Tyler. She went on, many many years after her own personal crisis, to write a book, about growing up in a family that used her as the scapegoat for all their problems.

 

It might be of interest to you. From what I have read here, you and her may be very similar. She is also one hell of a writer! I think you would appreciate it!

 

Just a suggestion, give or take! Hope you are well,

 

Lo x

 

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Bad-One-Memoir-About-Growing/dp/154450828X

 

[Cynder]

7 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Hey Cynder!

 

From your posts about your family, a thought just popped into my head!

 

I used to read a blog, years back, best thing I ever have read and nearly still is, called ‘The Bunny Blog’. The girl behind it was called Erin Tyler. She went on, many many years after her own personal crisis, to write a book, about growing up in a family that used her as the scapegoat for all their problems.

 

It might be of interest to you. From what I have read here, you and her may be very similar. She is also one hell of a writer! I think you would appreciate it!

 

Just a suggestion, give or take! Hope you are well,

 

Lo x

 

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Bad-One-Memoir-About-Growing/dp/154450828X

 

I will definitely check that out. 

I have considered doing the same thing (writing a book.)  I would do it anonymously because now I'm finally on somewhat decent terms with my family and I don't want everyone mad at me again.  I'm only on decent terms with them now though because my youngest brother replaced me as the scapegoat.  Which is really odd because growing up he was one of the golden children.  Him and my sister could do no wrong. 

When I was younger my one goal in life was to be an author.  The novel I'm working on right now is the first thing I've written that I think is really worth anything.  There is a chapter of it posted here in the Poetry, prose, etc section if you feel like checking it out.  It's really dark and violent though, be warned. 

[mylolita]

22 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I will definitely check that out. 

I have considered doing the same thing (writing a book.)  I would do it anonymously because now I'm finally on somewhat decent terms with my family and I don't want everyone mad at me again.  I'm only on decent terms with them now though because my youngest brother replaced me as the scapegoat.  Which is really odd because growing up he was one of the golden children.  Him and my sister could do no wrong. 

When I was younger my one goal in life was to be an author.  The novel I'm working on right now is the first thing I've written that I think is really worth anything.  There is a chapter of it posted here in the Poetry, prose, etc section if you feel like checking it out.  It's really dark and violent though, be warned. 

You should!

 

I think everyone should follow their dreams. It’s a tragedy to not even try! 
 

Erin mentions the word golden child as well! (It happened to be her eldest sister!) 

 

I will check it out, thanks!

 

Ohhh and I think I can handle it 😉 one of my favourite authors is a guy called Robert Beck, his street moniker was Iceberg Slim - his most famous book, ‘Pimp’ is one of my all time favourites! After that I have read everything he has wrote which is under 10 books. It’s his story of true life on the Chicago ghetto streets from the 20s through to the 70s. It’s beyond awesome, if you have never heard of it again Cynder, I would recommend!

 

I was a lapdancer and stripper between the ages of 19 and nearly 22. One of the main clubs I worked at was ran by a gangster. I feel like I might have a stronger stomach and not as innocent bambi eyed as some people might presume! I am always ready to be shocked! Hit me! 🤣

 

Best of luck with your book! Well done for starting, I haven’t even done that!