Update on Reconcilliation

[confused2012]

I was previously posting in the breaking up forum.

 

Here's the back-story:

 

=

 

Sorry for the double post at the end. After I posted I considered the discussion may be best continued in this forum.

 

Here's the update and a few questions for which I'm looking for input and suggestions.

 

Something has changed in the tone of my ex-ex now reconcilled woman's text messages. She has been much more affectionate than she was before the breakup. A few days ago she told me via. text that she has been thinking about me a lot, and that she "misses me horribly (" (that was the way she used to say it....back in the days before she started pulling away from me.). She also apologized for not telling me that enough in the past. Another thing she texted me was that she WANTED to see me. I actually was shocked to hear her talk to me like that again. Additionally we have been talking on the phone most nights.

 

I hadn't seen her since our reconcilliation lunch meeting about a week and a half ago. Our schedules have not allowed that because of my work. I finally saw her again last night. I was hoping to get more talking and dialogue going than what we ended up doing. I didn't get there till quite late for reasons I will go into below. As a result, we didn't talk much, instead we had sex 3 times during the night. I should have guessed that would happen as our attraction for each other has always been high and probably will never go away.

 

Ok....here's the part I'm looking for input on. She's not ready to "reintroduce" me to her kids just yet. What she told me is that she doesn't want to confuse them. Is this normal and/or understandable? Any mothers out there that would do the same thing? Keep in mind I had got to know these kids and were a part of their lives for a few years till last month. I told her no pressure, we will do what feels right at the time she's ready. Remember, my pushing and pressuring contributed to the mess, so I'm not pushing at all now. She did say her goal is to reintroduce me to her kids, but she isn't quite ready to do that yet. Maybe that's ok since the two of us have only met twice in the last month....but I do miss the kids, they were becoming a part of my life.

 

This also makes it more challenging to spend time with her as I would either have to come during the weekday thus take time off of work, or late at night after the children are sleeping, at least for a while. This is exactly how we did it when we first met, and it was about two or three weeks before she was comfortable and had me around her kids for the first time after we started dating.

 

So for that reason, last night I didn't get there till around 9:30pm and had to sneak out around 5:45 a.m. It's hard to talk much with those hours. I'm SOOO tired today. It felt awkward having to go behind her daughter's back and essentially "hide" in their home. Keep in mind this is the home that was to become my home also...maybe still is.

 

Then to make matters worse, the daugher couldn't sleep and came to the open bedroom door which is closest to my side of the bed. I was staring straight at her for about a second or two. The daughter didn't say anything about seeing me, and her mother said she didn't think that she saw me (my own thought is who could say for sure??). I was completely still and my gf did an acrobatic leap over me in the bed to intercept.....this is all so strange. Then for the next hour she kept calling for her mother because she couldn't sleep, asking to come down and sleep in bed with her. All of this made me feel kind of bad. I offered to leave if it would make it easier, but she didn't want me to. I was too jumpy to sleep well. I kept thinking her daughter could come down at any minute again.

 

I won't be able to keep doing this for very long, the daughter is old enough and will catch on soon enough if she hasn't already. To me it would be much better if the daughter discovered that I was back in her mother's life by her mom having a talk with her....and not be surprised by finding me in her mom's bed late at night. But how long do I wait/hope for that to happen? It's a catch 22. We need to spend quality alone time to further our relationship. I do understand that part of it.

[endy]

Well these are the types of things that make reconciliation before you have healed and moved on an issue. There's going to be issues. You both either need to lay it all out and go all the way with it or it's not going to work eventually. It needs to be 100 percent to get through this for both of you. Love isn't enough to just hold a relationship together. You BOTH need to be willing to work at it and through it. Her actions there are not very good IMO. She's afraid to reintroduce you to her children? I understand she may be looking out for their best interests as you are taking it slow right now, but like you said it can't be allowed for long. What her actions to me are saying I'm not sure if I want to do this yet. What has she said when discussing reconciliation? Is she set and ready to give it 100 precent IYO?

[Brownstone322]

we didn't talk much, instead we had sex 3 times during the night.

Just had to tip my hat to that part.

[Doofus]

There's two possibilities, essentially:

1. She's using you for sex.

2. She's terrified of being hurt/hurting her children again.

These are not mutually exclusive, however, each necessitates a different strategy. Hmm.... I'd say you need to think about whether you're OK with being her booty call. If so, do nothing. Eventually, if she's like most women, she'll draw you back in to a serious relationship. If not, then after a little more of this (decide on how much, but, given you were already in a relationship together, I wouldn't give it too much time..) you need to tell her that you really want more, that you are very serious about her and her daughter and that you believe in trying to live love without fear. If

[chitown9]

OK, confused. Speaking as a Mom myself, I can undestand your gf's holding back in telling the daughter about your return. Mom does not know how to do it, that is why the delay. She is trying to figure out a graceful return of you in the picture. I offer this scenario: Have the Mom and her daughter meet you somewhere, such as a park. You all go for a little walk in the park and then you suggest a quck bite to eat for lunch. I love meeting my husband for lunch because that is when he opens up to me and tells me his hope and dreams. You do the same. It is great because in this situation you are all looking at one another and you can ask the daughter all about her life...what has she be doing? How is school? Has she been to any slumber parties lately? BE INTERESTED IN HER LIFE. I once read a quote: "Anything will open up its secrets to you if you love it enough." It is a true statement, I think. If you truly care about a person you will expess it to them and they will feel comfortable enough to open up to you. If you love roses, let's say, you will study everything you can about roses and you will know the secrets about roses, how to prune them, how to water them, how to feed them. Then guess what: you will have beautiful roses!

 

Make this suggestion to you gf. She is in a real quandry about how to handle this situation and it needs to be handled before it just happens in the way you have already described. Good luck on this, and please get back.

 

[dolorosa]

I do not know, if my ex was coming back into out life, my daughter(5yo) will be fine. She often asked me for him and I know it will not be a problem. Maybe more difficult for older kids, perhaps you ex wants to make sure things are going to work out this time. It is unfair on her children if you guys break up again. Parents always protect their children first. Try and speak to her, sorry I can't be of much help.

[confused2012]

I do not know, if my ex was coming back into out life, my daughter(5yo) will be fine. She often asked me for him and I know it will not be a problem. Maybe more difficult for older kids, perhaps you ex wants to make sure things are going to work out this time. It is unfair on her children if you guys break up again. Parents always protect their children first. Try and speak to her, sorry I can't be of much help.

 

Her almost five year old son loves me. The sooner I'm back in his life the better for him, IMO. I agree that age does play a part in this. The daughter is nine, and it's probably a bit more difficult for her.

 

What her actions to me are saying I'm not sure if I want to do this yet. What has she said when discussing reconciliation? Is she set and ready to give it 100 precent IYO?

 

Could be possibly but I think it's too early to determine that. When discussing reconcilliation she asked me if I was 100% sure I wanted this. I said yes. I repeated the question to her, and she said yes. Then she said how do we do this? I told her I didn't think there were any set rules we needed to figure them out. Neither one of us have ever attempted reconcilling before so this is a first for both of us.

 

OK, confused. Speaking as a Mom myself, I can undestand your gf's holding back in telling the daughter about your return. Mom does not know how to do it, that is why the delay. She is trying to figure out a graceful return of you in the picture. I offer this scenario: Have the Mom and her daughter meet you somewhere, such as a park. You all go for a little walk in the park and then you suggest a quck bite to eat for lunch. I love meeting my husband for lunch because that is when he opens up to me and tells me his hope and dreams. You do the same. It is great because in this situation you are all looking at one another and you can ask the daughter all about her life...what has she be doing? How is school? Has she been to any slumber parties lately? BE INTERESTED IN HER LIFE. I once read a quote: "Anything will open up its secrets to you if you love it enough." It is a true statement, I think. If you truly care about a person you will expess it to them and they will feel comfortable enough to open up to you. If you love roses, let's say, you will study everything you can about roses and you will know the secrets about roses, how to prune them, how to water them, how to feed them. Then guess what: you will have beautiful roses!

 

Make this suggestion to you gf. She is in a real quandry about how to handle this situation and it needs to be handled before it just happens in the way you have already described. Good luck on this, and please get back.

 

 

Those are great ideas. I still am hoping the initiative for doing this will come from her. I am still trying the no pushing approach as that seems to be what drew her back to me. But if it doesn't come from her soon enough then I will have to suggest something.

 

There's two possibilities, essentially:

1. She's using you for sex.

2. She's terrified of being hurt/hurting her children again.

These are not mutually exclusive, however, each necessitates a different strategy. Hmm.... I'd say you need to think about whether you're OK with being her booty call. If so, do nothing. Eventually, if she's like most women, she'll draw you back in to a serious relationship. If not, then after a little more of this (decide on how much, but, given you were already in a relationship together, I wouldn't give it too much time..) you need to tell her that you really want more, that you are very serious about her and her daughter and that you believe in trying to live love without fear. If

 

Possibly both but last night was our first meeting as a reconcilled couple. She told me she wasn't expecting sex and was surprised by it, and I'm not sure either one of us had expectations one way or another it just seems to happen naturally when we get together. Number 2 /hurting her children I could possibly understand. I certainly don't want that to happen as I love them and care for them. Just looking for the best way to approach this.

[tresqua]

Possibly both but last night was our first meeting as a reconcilled couple. She told me she wasn't expecting sex and was surprised by it

 

Are you kidding? Makeup sex is almost legendary in it's mindblowing enjoyment.

 

I would think everyone knows that by now.

 

In fact it's so good it's almost worth breaking up just so you can have it.

[confused2012]

Are you kidding? Makeup sex is almost legendary in it's mindblowing enjoyment.

 

I would think everyone knows that by now.

 

In fact it's so good it's almost worth breaking up just so you can have it.

 

Funny! You're right, it was.