Tell me who was right and who was wrong! How would YOU handle it?

[ElizabethB]

Here is the situation:

I was baking like crazy since Thursday. I stayed in the kitchen at least 12 hours a day, went to bed around 3-4 in the morning, get up at 8. Same schedule for 3 days.

Don't take me wrong - I love to do it even though it has side effects on me and my health.

But what I would appreciate is more understanding from my husband.

After all, I made around 270 cupcakes, one birthday cake and one strawberry cake.

To make long story short - when I finished my 12 dozen order and delivered it at 1 o'clock that Sunday, I came home and wanted to get a simple break for 10-15 minutes.

I was downloading pics on my comp when he came and told me that I should clean my kitchen first.

I said that I just need to sit down for a minute because my legs hurt and will clean after that. I know what should I do, I am not retarded!

And then he started that I will go right now, he will turn off comp, I can do pics late and first what I should do is clean that mess.

It made me so mad. I just yelled at him, what is he thinking about himself, I am not his child or he my boss. That all he does is criticizing and telling me what to do. Then I addressed him a couple of "ugly names" and left the room. He came to kitchen, grab me and asked why I called him that. I said I am tired of his behavior and I want divorce. I just cried.

I am so tired. If someone would give me divorce papers in that moment, I would sign it without any hesitation.

This helped me to realize that we always will be like that. It will never change. I do not believe it will or he will or me. It is sad...

Do you think that the way he treated me was right? Was I wrong? Please tell me, I feel so lost...

[lucyblue10]

My first reaction is that you've both over-reacted: you, because you were exhausted; him, maybe because he was fed up being left alone because you were otherwise occupied and is taking out some frustration on you.

 

But you imply that this is not a one off episode and there's been other times when he's been controlling and nasty.

 

It's not really a question of who's right and who's wrong, it's more about why you both behaving in this way?

 

Why was he angry? Does he resent your work and the toll it takes on your health and well-being? Or is he just possessive and controlling?

[ElizabethB]

I think he is controlling person. He loves to tell me what to do, how and when. It was always like that but I always thought it was normal or I did something to deserved it.

[FathomFear]

Telling you what to do and grabbing you = two huge red flags, IMO. That is not normal behavior between two people who respect each other. It sounds like there's a dominant/submissive and controlling undertone here which is not healthy.

 

If my partner spent all day in the kitchen baking I wouldn't expect him to clean it up the same day. If it was for a business or something that was helping us mutually, I'd probably pitch in and help clean up for him. I'd likely only ever get angry if he 1) never cleaned up, and 2) started expecting me to do it for him.

[hexaemeron]

Usually you and I agree on things, FF, but I don't agree here. OP, let's break this down. You basically baked so much you destroyed your kitchen over a few days and left it a mess. I would be upset too if I walked into my kitchen and it was left as a disaster area. Cooking = cleaning up after yourself too, unless you and your husband have some other arrangement.

 

So basically, you call him ugly names, hate him and want a divorce... because he asked you to clean up the kitchen you left a wreck?

 

You sound ridiculously spoiled, OP. I'd have acted just the same as your husband did, probably minus the touching part though.

[ElizabethB]

Hexaemeron,

 

it is nice to hear from a person who don't know me at all- that I am ridiculously spoiled! Based on what? That I wanted 15 minutes break?

My kitchen was not disaster area. I cleaned it each day after I finished my baking. I was completely exhausted that day and he could not care less.

I know what to do, I just don't like when he treats me that way.

How would you like if your wife or GF would telling you each day of your life together - what to do, how to do it and when? Would not you be tired of it? Or would you feel just ridiculously spoiled?

I called him names - yes, but that is what he does as well. I told him I want divorce - because we have troubles for many years now. He knows what I don't like and he does it anyway. No matter what I do, everything is my fault, not his.

But yeah, I will take it - ridiculously spoiled...

 

 

 

Usually you and I agree on things, FF, but I don't agree here. OP, let's break this down. You basically baked so much you destroyed your kitchen over a few days and left it a mess. I would be upset too if I walked into my kitchen and it was left as a disaster area. Cooking = cleaning up after yourself too, unless you and your husband have some other arrangement.

 

So basically, you call him ugly names, hate him and want a divorce... because he asked you to clean up the kitchen you left a wreck?

 

You sound ridiculously spoiled, OP. I'd have acted just the same as your husband did, probably minus the touching part though.

[hexaemeron]

Granted, I don't know the entire history of your whole marriage, just what you wrote here, and by what you wrote here, yes, you sounded spoiled. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but it's honest. I'm not trying to come down on you, but rather to try to, for a moment, get out of the anger/justification of your feelings and try to look at the situation objectively. If you have a bad marriage, you should leave it. And from what I've seen of marriage, one person hen-pecking the other to deal is about spot on for what I've seen of marriage, so... take that for what you will.

 

In any event, I hope whatever you decide will bring you peace and contentment.

[FarthestEdge]

Hex,

It's not like she was scrap-booking. She mentioned "delivering" the baked goods, and it sounds like this is her profession..if so, her kitchen is her office.

 

Now, Imagine if a man posted that he was working in his home office and just finished an intense project and wantéd a 15 minute lay down on the couch, leaving papers and materials all over his desk and lunch plates on his credenza. Now imagine his wife screaming & shrieking at him, that he had better get his office cleaned up RIGHT NOW! because SHE won't have HER HOUSE looking like that.

 

You'd call her a shrew. I'm almost certain of it.

 

If this is her job, how she contributes monetarily to their home, then he was unquestionably out of line. ALL workers are entitled to a break, even those who work from home. That said, her response only served to escalate things, and shows a serious lack of respect in the marriage from BOTH parties.

 

OP- there are deeper issues here than a messy kitchen I think.

[Batya33]

If this is your job and it brings in an income, why not hire someone to help clean up so that you can keep family peace and have some time to yourself after all that hard work -your skills and talents are the baking part, right, not the cleaning part - maybe you raise your prices a bit to pay for the cleaning service but that way you both win.

 

Edited to add -oops! I didn't mean that you are not talented at cleaning -I am sure you are -I just meant that your time is better spent baking, and then having a bit of time to yourself to rejuvenate/relax while someone else does the cleaning part.

[hexaemeron]

I adore you, FE, reasons the least of which are using the word "credenza"

[FathomFear]

Usually you and I agree on things, FF, but I don't agree here. OP, let's break this down. You basically baked so much you destroyed your kitchen over a few days and left it a mess. I would be upset too if I walked into my kitchen and it was left as a disaster area. Cooking = cleaning up after yourself too, unless you and your husband have some other arrangement.

 

My impression after reading the OP's post is that the kitchen was in a huge mess due to her using it for a very long period of time (12 hours) for business purposes, and he got mad at her the same day this took place and told her that she couldn't use the computer until it was cleaned up (or else he'll turn it off himself to force the issue). She got mad, called him a few names, and he grabs her by the arm and asks her to explain herself. I don't know, this just screams "red flag" to me. I would probably have a different opinion if she did this every day or had a habit of not cleaning up after herself, but just based on the facts alone I am tended to sympathize with the OP.

[FarthestEdge]

I adore you, FE, reasons the least of which are using the word "credenza"

 

Well that depends entirely upon the layout of the home...In a lot of houses, the kitchen is at the back and the office is directly adjacent to the vestibule ;D

[ElizabethB]

Thank you for your posts, FarthestEdge.

You are right with " there are deeper issues here than a messy kitchen".

 

I do baking as a side job. I work for school system and these day I am on my summer break. So I bake for people. I don't do it too long but people love it. Since I started, all I can hear from him are negatives. Maybe because he does not like me to be in centre of something, getting more attention, hearing bragging about me. Who knows?

This is not our first episode. We have some history but this is what got me and opened my eyes little more.

I do most of the chores at our house. And if I need him to help me with vacuuming- it takes him day or two to get it done. I wish he tried to walk in my shoes for a minute. That day, I was making 144 cupcakes. It was my biggest order and I tried to make it delicious and beautiful as well.

Each time he came to the kitchen, he was looking for some cream I did not "need". He spend all day on comp and when I asked for help, he said he is too busy to chat with his mom.

After mutual screaming that afternoon and me crying, he did a sandwich for me and was acting like nothing happened. I guess, he knew why...

[ElizabethB]

Good idea but I cannot afford it.

About cleaning...I am more talented in baking - that is what I enjoyed the most.

 

 

If this is your job and it brings in an income, why not hire someone to help clean up so that you can keep family peace and have some time to yourself after all that hard work -your skills and talents are the baking part, right, not the cleaning part - maybe you raise your prices a bit to pay for the cleaning service but that way you both win.

 

Edited to add -oops! I didn't mean that you are not talented at cleaning -I am sure you are -I just meant that your time is better spent baking, and then having a bit of time to yourself to rejuvenate/relax while someone else does the cleaning part.

[Kitkat973]

I don't think that yelling at him and calling him names was the best behavior, but I also don't think it's his place to demand that you take care of something immediately when you're exhausted and taking a break. I might have a bit of a different perspective on this, maybe, as someone with some fairly limiting health issues- I often have to do things slowly, or stretched out, to get them done. The idea of having someone try to force me into something when I'm already bottoming out is honestly terrifying.

 

From what else you've said in this thread, it sounds like this is just a symptom of a bigger problem. What else is going on?

[Batya33]

Good idea but I cannot afford it.

About cleaning...I am more talented in baking - that is what I enjoyed the most.

 

Do you mean that it would cut into your profits so much that it wouldn't make it worth it to bake? How about raising your prices a bit to cover the cost of a cleaning person spending 2-3 hours cleaning your kitchen?

[scorpianqueen]

Hi i'm new here and I was reading the posts and I had to put in my own oppinion. If your knew that it was big job for you to handle, even with him employed an understanding husband would let you rest for a period of time. He would encourage and help you do the kitchen. Do you have children, if so what ages...?

[OptomisticGirl]

You both are in the wrong. He had no right to demand you go right then and clean up - I would have told my fiance i wasn't his child as well - but you over reacted to his over reaction and things just went down hill from there.

[petite]

Knowing well how much effort baking and cooking can take up I absolutely think he was out of line, and that in turn made you react inappropriately. He has no right to tell you when to clean. You aren't the maid of the house and frankly I get the feeling he doesn't cook so a messy kitchen for a few hours wont do him any harm.

I don't think a cleaning lady would be any help because your husbands attitude wouldn't change and he would probably find something else to complain about or might call you lazy because you need someone else to clean up. there are obviously underlying issues that need to be taken care of and I'd sooner suggest you invest into a counselor (see if you can work through your problems) or a lawyer (worst case scenario - divorce) than a cleaning lady.

[Tresha]

It is really hard to say with just the one side. I am going to go with my gut reaction on the way this hit me. It just seems odd that he would suddenly and for no reason just get hostile and demand his woman go clean! Is there an issue with clutter or chaos in the house generally? I mean, could this have been a straw that broke the camel's back thing?

 

You had been baking for days. Maybe he'd been thinking this is a huge mess for days. Was he able to function in the kitchen when you were baking? Could he get his drink, snack, meals? Do you usually cook his meals but didnt because you were baking? It is possible he felt he was unable to access part of his house for an extended period of time and it annoyed him.

 

Does he agree with your side job or is it already a sore spot with him? If he didn't want you doing it in the first place, he likely wont be nice when it inconveniences him. Like I said, it just seems irrational as presented, so I'm looking at the seams trying to find the crack that may be the root cause.

 

At any rate, bad behavior on both sides. Is this a common form of interaction between you two? I'd recommend counselling. It really helps both parties to truly see the other side without being nearly as threatened ... and y'all are better behaved because someone is watching you.

[tresqua]

So basically, you call him ugly names, hate him and want a divorce... because he asked you to clean up the kitchen you left a wreck?

 

You sound ridiculously spoiled, OP. I'd have acted just the same as your husband did, probably minus the touching part though.

 

Are we reading the same post?

 

He didn't ASK her he TOLD her to go clean it up and threatened her, followed by being physical with her.

 

 

BIG difference between that and asking "Honey would you please clean up the mess in the kitchen".

[mindi]

ElizabethB already knows the answer to this question.

[henryfirst]

I understand that baking is your work and that you are using your home kitchen as a bakery. I hope you reach a level where you would afford a kitchen for work separate of that of your home. Ideally it is crucial to separate between work and home.

 

If my wife was working so hard to help make ends meet I would appreciate her so much but at the same time ask her to shorten the working hours in order to preserve her health which is actually more important than money.

 

I don't remember ever 'telling' my wife to do anything. If there is anything I would simply 'ask' her not 'tell' her.