A strange feeling...

[Psychomagnet]

I don't know why I am writing this. Maybe to see if anyone else has felt this way and if so find out what the progression is, I don't know and forgive the length.

I didn't know where to post it really but there are a few categories this falls into as you will see.

 

Last year a girl found me online through a virtual world music site (no need to specify) and wanted me to work for her. Well we became close, very close as in everyday close. I never had to do much as she was always Iming and wanting to do things with me and flirting. She came on strong for months.

Well I made a few moves but always got told she was a lesbian and if she was straight, then she'd be happy to. But things continued as they were she even told me she loved me alot and wanted me.

 

We became best friends and even closer, even intimate (not sexually). I tried to hold myself back but she was just so wonderful to me and made me feel really loved. She has been such a kind, caring and compassionate person to me.

So I told her what I was feeling and she was happy but said the same things, she wanted us to continue as we had been. This was all very fulfilling to me, so I didn't want to ruin it or lose it.

 

I really loved her as my best friend and stuffed a sock in the "more" categories mouth. She told me she never ever wants to lose me and that I am the most important person to her...that she wants us to always be honest with each other and let our relationship grow, etc promises.

 

I noticed her getting close to another guy (yes guy)and kind of leaving me behind, sort of backburnering me. Started becoming difficult to get her to do anything and she was always too busy, yet was still saying the good things. She started to no longer contact me as immediately or as often.

 

Well we had another day where we spent time together and got intimate and the other person found out and didn't like it. From that point on...things changed. She stopped contacting me and would even ignore me quite a bit. I then stopped working for her and left.

 

I hated to because i loved her so much but what could I do?

Months pass with us just being casual every now and then but not doing anything together. She would talk to me and want me around but the next day ...nothing for days. So as sad as I became I figured I would still be there as we still we're best friends but i seriously wanted us to go back to the way we had been.

 

Her and the other person seemed to have a falling out and they got with someone else. Well after a month or two, she asked me to come work for her again and said she missed me. So I agreed and we did things again and it all started looking like it was going back to where it had been.

 

Well I have noticed that there's a new guy on the scene, but he didn't seem to really be in the picture or so I thought and they had stopped working together but I didn't care. Her and I were doing so well.

 

For a week it was wonderful. Then she started pulling back again but not as far....and now he is back working and spending alot of time with her everyday. It's not my place to ask directly about him and I didn't. But my eyes were seeing one thing, I was losing her time and attention yet again...there also have been rumors going around that they are/were dating. He has made it well known he wants her.

 

Well she still talks to me and makes plans and things are good but not as good since her and this guy seem to have made up.

 

Anyways the point of my post is today.

 

Today we were supposed to get together over work stuff and talk as this was her usual "non-busy" day. She ended up spending the entire day with this guy yet telling me she couldn't do what we planned due to being busy. I didn't bring him up (I never do) but I told her a little about how I was feeling as if I had lost something. She said I hadn't and that we are still as good as we have always been. I said no it doesn't look or feel that way to me. Feels like I had a chance but lost it somewhere and now things are good but not the same. I told her I loved her as I always have but just something isn't right.

 

I know she was with him all day (I was there since I came online). And I noticed after they had left and came back together a few times...that there was something wrong with him, he seemed upset enough that others were asking what was wrong. I got a very bad feeling and left. She was busy trying to make me laugh at the time...but after we laughed a little, she got quiet. So I said my goodbyes and went.

 

Now this feeling has me and it seems to be killing everything else. I feel disgusted. Not mad/angry, simply disgusted.

 

So much so, that I am not sure I want to be there anymore for her (we will have known each other a year...in a month).

I guess reality hit me, there i was waiting...being gently brushed off, while she spent all day with this other guy. I spent all day wishing I was him and thinking "That used to be me". I am having the feeling now that I want to get past this and get away from her. I love her still so much but this disgusted feeling is really growing and fast and killing off the good feelings I have.

 

I really thought I would know her for good....but now I don't think I will be in her life much longer. Last time this happened I didn't feel this feeling and I was very sad. This new feeling is keeping me from feeling sad about this really. I know her and I will talk soon if she isn't too busy being avoidant. I really love her but I don't know if i even want to know her now. I guess today was my trigger.

 

Have any of you gone through this feeling? If so, what are the natural outcomes? I am wondering what to expect here and thank you for any insight.

 

(P.S. I'm sure you are confused about her being lesbian, yeah alot of her friends and me are lost on that one too...as i think she may be. Her sexual preference isn't an issue for me, I see her as a person, one that I love/loved...thats it. She has always told me she knows I never tried to change her but only loved her, she's right.)

[anonymousSAD]

I have been in your situation exactly.

I know that you think you love her only as a friend, but it seems to me that you probably want to be more as in a normal friendship situation you probably wouldn't be experiencing these feelings of jealousy and abandonment. But I believe you when you say you love her; when you were with her it was just right, and maybe a part of you wanted more but just being around her would have been enough if it could have continued right? And not being her friend even if it'd be better for you in the end and allow you to find someone you actually can have a relationship with would tear you apart. You may not think this is about her being a lesbian, but it is. You are a friend to her, and you can mean a lot, but the reality is friends have a boundary. Friends will only let you into their lives so much and will not think anything of excluding you for periods of time.

You cannot win this. You can't do anyhting to make her love you. I know she'll say serious things, but she doesn't mean it how you wish she did and you can't ask that of her. I know it sucks and I haven't been able to do it well enough myself but you have to let her live her life. I also know itd be far easier if she was ignoring you for a girlfriend, rather than another guy that's probably not going to go any further with her than you did. But she has a life too; she has a perfect right to make and pursue any friendships she wants to, and because she really legitimately sees you as a friend, she won't think anything of it to have other friends as close or closer. Probably you are giving her signs of being too attched that make her wary.

I've been in your situation exactly. I wish there was an easy solution but there's not. I just hpe it gets easy for me when I meet someone new - someone straight - myself.