leash5picture Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 I know this may seem like a silly question, but i know there are many different types and forms of abuse. Please help me if you can I really really really need some help. Ive been in a relationship with this man for about 8 months, although there was a break in between there when I broke up with him for about a month for the same reason Im concerned about now. He is constantly arguing with me and if i dont agree he becomes very aggressive and overpowering. He claims to love me more than anything and usually is very expressive about his love. However, just to be able to spend time with my friends (or family, who i'm very close to) I need to make all kinds of excuses or let him know wayyy in advance, and even when i have a good reason to he makes me feel guilty and puts me down or makes a comment about the way i handle my relationships. Theres always some excuse like "i'm stressed tonight, im dealing with a lot, i need you". My question is whether or not this is abuse. He has become borderline physical with me on a couple occasions, blocking me from leaving or grabbing me in a harsh way..one time he was upset because we were playing a game with our friends and he pushed me so hard i fell. I feel abused, ive lost who i am and either dont feel anything or just feel trapped. I want to break up because i can taste the freedom, its that close. We're on a break right now and of course its "all gonna be okj" he's "changed now" and suddenly he'll accept things about me hes spent the last 8 months making me feel bad about. This isnt even the half of it unfortunately, but i dont want this to be too long. If you have experience with this please help me. Im making myself sick. Is this abuse? Is it worth it to stay with him for another month to attend a vacation to europe with him and his (wonderful) family? Please help me. (he threatens to hurt himself and is not stable. I see no way out of this when all I want is to be out. His family loves me, we have all the same friends) PLEASE HELP ME! I'm numb and just want to feel like myself again. P.S.....is it abuse if he forces me (sometimes overpowers me but not in a violent kind of way usually) to have sex? Link to comment
SicFounder Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Sounds like if you stay with him, he'll keep pushing his limits and eventually you may be black and blue. My opinion, get out of there. Move in with a family member, somewhere safe. Before he goes too far and before you regret giving him another chance. Link to comment
Kitkat973 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 It's definitely controlling behavior. Forcing you physically to be unable to leave, cutting you off from friends- these are classic signs of abuse. Forcing you to have sex is rape. 'Not in a violent kind of way usually' is bargaining with it in an attempt to make it okay, but it's not. He doesn't have to hit you and hold you down for it to be nonconsensual sex. Do I think it's abusive from what you've said? Yes. But more importantly to me at the moment, you are in a situation where you feel like you have to ASK if it's abusive. If you feel like that, that's a clear sign you need to get out, no matter how someone else analyzes the relationship. Link to comment
Kitkat973 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Do you live together? Does he have access to your computer? If so, do you know how to delete your browser history so that he'll be unable to find this? Link to comment
leash5picture Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 I've used a different email and a different computer, it would be really bad if he saw this. Thanks so much. Link to comment
leash5picture Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 I know it seems obvious but i question whether i might be exagerrating or something. Link to comment
Kitkat973 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Google "delete browser history" to find out how to clear your steps, if there's any chance he could get access to the computer you're using. I also think it says something that you felt the need to take the steps you have for privacy. Link to comment
Kitkat973 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 I know it seems obvious but i question whether i might be exagerrating or something. As someone who has been abused extensively, I cannot tell you how many times I have asked this question. Sometimes I will be in the middle of telling a story about something I consider normal from my childhood, then will stop when I realize the person I'm talking to is staring at me in horror. I've felt so many times like it's just me exaggerating or being a complainer, or it's not really THAT bad because x didn't happen. It's difficult to accept that you have been/are being abused. Link to comment
ferna3069 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 im not sure how old you and him are but this sounds like its his first relationship, my ex was the same way with me. she would scream at me if i wanted to do anything. well this happened when me and her where first dating. i got tired of it and screamed back. she would go with her family and if i wanted to go out and make friends she would get mad. usualy when people are like this you need to get mad in order to get some control back. at the end its not really worth it. this guy actualy got phsycal. my ex never pushed me nether have i pushed her. i say stay away from this guy he can get more violent. he needs to get his feelings under control Link to comment
starry eyed girl Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 I think he's abusive and violent (if he says he'll hurt himself he's just a step away from trying to hurt you). Ask yourself if you think he truly loves you. Violence can be verbal and it does not have to escalate to physical abuse to leave scars in your life. Take care of yourself. If he loved you he would trust you. If he loved you he would want you to have healty relationships with your family and friends. If he really loved you he would respect your ideas. What kind of life would you have with someone like that? If he wants to control you and does not respect your views and needs then you can easily become an object he owns and not a partner. My last ex was abusive in a passive way which is horrible (not touching me or telling me I was fat). At the same time he wanted to know where I was all the time and was very controlling. I ran as fast as I could. I hope you're able to get out of the relationship in a non-violent way. Link to comment
leash5picture Posted July 21, 2011 Author Share Posted July 21, 2011 I did it! I broke it off! Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 You did the right thing. Good for you!! Link to comment
metrogirl Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 I did it! I broke it off! Wow, good for you! Are you okay? Are you in a safe place? Link to comment
Northerner2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 If I were you, stay away from him. For good!!! Whatever if he wants you back, just say no. I went through that with my gf quite a few times and I lost everything in return cuz of her. She'd forced me to have sex with her or do things for her on a daily basis and if she didn't get it her way, she'd threatened to harm hurself or me while asleep... MAAKUSIMI. Link to comment
puppetted Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 I did it! I broke it off! Hope you're doing okay. Is it really broken off for good? Sometimes these things cycle. Reply and let us know you're okay sometime if you can. Link to comment
marmaladewoman Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 This is most certainly abuse. Very manipulative and controlling young man it sounds like. This behaviour wont get any better. I know you probably love hm and your scared he might hurt himself but he is not your responsibility. You have a right to be happy in this world. We all do. This isn't maing you happy and it's taking away from who you are. Leave him. Link to comment
marmaladewoman Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 I'm very familiar wth this. I was abused frequently as a child emotionally, verbally and at times physically. You learn to normalise behaviour ... if you're already familiar with it particularly if you were exposed to it as a child ... it doesn't feel so abnormal. It can become hard to differenciate between appropriate and inappropriate behaviours. This has caused me many a trouble in my adult life thus so far and too I am always asking myself 'am I exaggerating/being a drama queen?' .... It's tough. Link to comment
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