CarnelianButterfly Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 I have been friends with this man for almost 2 years. Our conversations usually turn into philosophical debates or at the very least verbal jousting. Of the men I know he is truly unique and I believe he feels the same about me. We have an attraction for each other that is undeniable, but we are separated by most of the US, so our dance together remains intensely intellectual. He also lives with his girlfriend, one aspect of him that I told him will always keep us apart. He has for a very long time acknowledged that I keep him at a distance and that I do not let him in. Last night we had a fight. It went on for several hours and boiled down to him pressing me to admit I love him and telling me he loved me. He was upset by me characterizing his actions as being a siege and that I was painting him to be cruel. He said he has never asked me to love him, but he wants me to be honest. I broke down and finally admitted I do love him. But I still don't know where it leave us. Today we spoke again and cleared some of the water, he apologized and then we were talking books and philosophy again. I don't want to love him, but I do. I know he makes me happy at times, but he is also a fantasy that I think will never come true, a thought that is heavy in my mind. I have been dating men lately with the goal of finding a companion, I don't expect a soul mate or some great love affair. I've been cold. I know it, I had one man tell me he felt empty after being with me. How have I become like this? All my emotions are wrapped up in a pipe dream and I am walling off men that only want a chance. Link to comment
greywolf Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 I think what you two are doing is not right, honestly. I would consider it an emotional affair. I think it would best to distance yourself from him to find someone who is available. Otherwise you are just wasting your time and emotions on this guy. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 I think what you two are doing is not right, honestly. I would consider it an emotional affair. I think it would best to distance yourself from him to find someone who is available. Otherwise you are just wasting your time and emotions on this guy. Which is why this upsets me so much. I know its wrong, I don't want to be doing this to his girlfriend. He knows how to get inside my head like no one else. I had distanced myself from him, we didn't speak for almost 6 months after our last fight over this same topic. Its a very bad road I find myself on again. Link to comment
bichin Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Cut him out of your life. Do it now before it gets even harder. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 He's now trying to convince me to move closer. He makes sense at times which really really upsets me. I've been looking at grad schools for mechanical engineering, he's been pushing the school near him and the local industry that fits my area of study. Its hard for me to give him up, I'm tired of being the one to chase men, with him chasing me I feel like I'm actually desired. It makes me so angry to have a guy like him after me when I can't get the local men to even look at me twice. I'm tired of dealing with men that won't talk to me and start asking for sex, I'm tired of being treated like a freak by the ones that can't handle my education, I'm just tired of it all. I'm very angry about this whole situation. Why won't men pursue me? Why do I have to keep everything going? If I get little or no feedback, to me lack of contact is the same as lack of interest. Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 He's now trying to convince me to move closer. He makes sense at times which really really upsets me. Great! Has he broken up with his girlfriend yet or is he just trying to come up with the right time and place to do it? Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 Great! Has he broken up with his girlfriend yet or is he just trying to come up with the right time and place to do it? I think he is waiting to break up, but I have no guarantee, so I doubt everything. Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 I guess you never even met him? Maybe since he's intending to break up with his girlfriend you could meet him one day maybe midway between where you both live, say at a "hub airport" somewhere so it's a cheap, fast, and direct flight. You can sit for an hour or two in one of those airport lounges and get to know each other better and see if there's a real attraction there and discuss possibilities for the future which at minimum includes him leaving his girlfriend as he seems to say he will since he makes so much sense at times. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 It would be nice to meet like that, but funds are short on both sides. Money has always kept us from meeting. We both are sitting on student loans and jobs sub earning expectations. I'm hoping to make some money selling jewelry, but I need to invest that back into my business. I'm very frustrated. Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 You have no chance of meeting this guy any time soon, he makes you no promises about the future and he has a girlfriendwith whom he LIVES WITH. Because you are investing so much of yourself in him, you don't have much left for anyone else, that's why all these guys you are meeting are coming up short. This relationship (if you can even call it that) is a dead end, you can't really know what he'd be like in person without ever meeting him, and holding onto whatever it is you think you have with him is preventing you from meeting a real life "in the flesh guy" that could be so much more to you. You have to cut him off. Completely. Otherwise you will be unable to get involved with someone who is really there for you. Is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? Of course not. Sooner or later you're going to have to pull the plug, and the sooner the better. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted July 21, 2011 Author Share Posted July 21, 2011 He has made me one promise, that no matter what, he plans to be my friend for the rest of our lives. I know him well enough to know that isn't a frivolous line, he keeps his promises. Even if I did remove him from my life he would still be an influence. He has taught me to take very little crap from men. Most of the men I meet are losers, he is more willing to call them that than I am. He pushes me to stay away from men that aren't worth my time. He pushes me to better myself and grow. He has done a lot for not being in the flesh. He gives me a lot, which is why I don't understand this whole situation. Even when he wasn't a direct part of my life, men still were hollow by comparison. I don't want to give up on him as a friend, but I know I need to give up the fantasy. Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 He has made me one promise, that no matter what, he plans to be my friend for the rest of our lives. I know him well enough to know that isn't a frivolous line, he keeps his promises. Everyone who gets married says the same thing, and they believe it when their spouse-to-be says the same thing. They think they "know them" well enough too. They also believe themselves when they exchange the same promise. Over 60% of them turn out to be false promises as per the divorce statistics. People say lots of things that they think they mean at the time. Then situations change, and people change right along with it. Well, people may not change all that much but their actions and behaviors sure do! Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 I think what you two are doing is not right, honestly. I would consider it an emotional affair. I think it would best to distance yourself from him to find someone who is available. Otherwise you are just wasting your time and emotions on this guy. ^^ I agree. I don't see anything wonderful about a guy who is emotionally cheating on his girlfriend for the past two years. If he says he loves you, then WHY is he still with her?? Just think about that for a moment. It will be interesting to see all the excuses as to why he can't be with you. And yes, they will be excuses. Has he ever indicated he would leave her for you? Ever? Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted July 22, 2011 Author Share Posted July 22, 2011 ^^ I agree. I don't see anything wonderful about a guy who is emotionally cheating on his girlfriend for the past two years. If he says he loves you, then WHY is he still with her?? Just think about that for a moment. It will be interesting to see all the excuses as to why he can't be with you. And yes, they will be excuses. Has he ever indicated he would leave her for you? Ever? He can't afford to move out. He's not the only friend I have that is living with a failed relationship because of money. 100K of college loans and job that he can't get ahead. He's already left her mentally, physically he is waiting for a break. He's working his ass off to make that happen. He's the only person I know I could call if I felt like crap and know will listen to me. Of my friends, he's the only one I feel comfortable with enough to tell him when I feel suicidal or when I need a pair of hands to shake me out of my stupidity. Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 He can't afford to move out. He's not the only friend I have that is living with a failed relationship because of money. 100K of college loans and job that he can't get ahead. He's already left her mentally, physically he is waiting for a break. He's working his ass off to make that happen. Does his girlfriend know this? Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted July 22, 2011 Author Share Posted July 22, 2011 Does his girlfriend know this? I don't know, but I suspect so. I know if I push him away emotionally it will hurt, but I can not let him go. I have tried before, but he will still be in my peripheral. He is the only person I have that makes me feel like I can accomplish my goals. He inspires me to be patient and to think more about my options. If I'm tangled up, he helps me find clarity. He doesn't let me play the victim like I like to do, he is sympathetic to a point, but then he makes me take responsibility for my part in a problem and work out what I need to do. He is never cruel, but makes me face the truth. He can calm my anger, sooth my anxiety, build my self confidence, and keep me from feeling so alone. Link to comment
magnoliatree Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 He has made me one promise, that no matter what, he plans to be my friend for the rest of our lives. I know him well enough to know that isn't a frivolous line, he keeps his promises. Untrue. You know that he is having an emotional affair with you, hence cheating on his girlfriend. This makes him a man that DOES NOT keep his word or promises. Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 I don't know, but I suspect so. If his relationship has failed and they're only together for convenience and he's got one foot out the door, then there would be no doubt in your mind, you wouldn't have to "suspect so", his girlfriend would know it and he would TELL you she knows it's over, and there would be no reason to keep your communications a big secret. Cmon, think about it using common sense, not emotions that lead you to believe it because you WANT to. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 He asks me plenty of direct questions, I think its my turn. I'm going to ask exactly what I want to know. Is he going to leave her? Is he still with her because of money? What does he expect from me? Why is he doing this to her? Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 He asks me plenty of direct questions, I think its my turn. I'm going to ask exactly what I want to know. Is he going to leave her? Is he still with her because of money? What does he expect from me? Why is he doing this to her? Not direct enough. When are you going to leave her? As in, by what date.. what's the exit plan? Why are you with a person with whom you have no future? Do you think it's reasonable that I move close to you without any promises of the future? Does it bother you that you are cheating on your girlfriend? Are you considering her feelings at all? Does the deception bother you in the least? Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Why is he doing this to her? Because he's using her for his own convenience (you said it was about money). That alone should tell you something about his true character. He feels no shame about it either and it's very very doubtful that he tells her this, because if he did, she would have booted him out a long time ago. I can't help but feel bad for her. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 Because he's using her for his own convenience (you said it was about money). That alone should tell you something about his true character. He feels no shame about it either and it's very very doubtful that he tells her this, because if he did, she would have booted him out a long time ago. I can't help but feel bad for her. He does feel shame, he tried to kill himself this spring. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 Not direct enough. When are you going to leave her? As in, by what date.. what's the exit plan? Why are you with a person with whom you have no future? Do you think it's reasonable that I move close to you without any promises of the future? Does it bother you that you are cheating on your girlfriend? Are you considering her feelings at all? Does the deception bother you in the least? You're right, my questions aren't direct enough. I'm tired of being manipulated by him. I've told him repeatedly I don't trust him, I doubt I'll ever trust him. I really don't know why he is doing this. What does he get? My attention isn't special, he's handsome and could have a lot of women, why continue to bother me? Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 he tried to kill himself this spring. Well, that's a sign that something's a bit amiss. I would go so far as to suggest that attempted suicide qualifies as a red flag. Link to comment
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