onelostlady Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 This is something I can't believe I'm writing out, but I'm feeling so hopeless. When I think back on my life, I can think of a lot of bad memories. Being teased and bullied while young, I was kind of the ugly duckling growing up. Somehow though, I will admit, I actually turned into a very pretty girl in my later teens and early 20's, which is where I am now. But, still, I carry scars. I have a very good memory and everything always feels so fresh. I don't know if time has ever healed my wounds.. maybe just made things more tolerable. If life had been a little better today, I would probably know that life is all worth it. Thing is, somehow I still can't get it right. The last time I was very happy was about 5 years ago. I got with my first really serious boyfriend, had the greatest friends, did sports in high school and overall I had a lot going for me. Fast-forward a year later, my boyfriend wants a "break" (he started seeing other girls, I later found out, and one of those girls started spreading rumors about me for no reason at all), My best friend died in a car accident, and I was graduating from high school feeling like everything had been taken from me. I was bitter, angry, but I kept trudging forward. My boyfriend and I were supposed to get engaged and move in together after I graduated and go to the same college. He was the one who promised all this, not me. Needless to say, it didn't work out that way. I got back together with that particular boyfriend after our "break", though things were never the same. He wanted to spend more time with his friends, partying, I just kept hoping the "old him" would come back to me. It never did, and I caught him cheating on me 2 years later. And this time I caught him, with my own eyes. I never heard from him again. I had a job at the time so that kept me busy, I made friends at this job and a few months later started dating an old guy friend from high school. Things were exciting again, though I did have my bad days. Me and my new boyfriend started getting serious, but it didn't take long for me to realize how immature he was. I realized he had an alcohol problem and we were on totally different pages in life. He made me laugh though, we were best of friends until the problems started. I tried to break up with him because I couldn't handle his desire to party and drink and hang out with his low-life friends. He kept begging me back and I kept caving in. Somewhere along the way, I was introduced to another guy who was a friend of one of my coworkers. The guy asked her to hook me up with him, said I was so beautiful, etc. I told the guy that it was a bad time for me and told him about I was continuously on/off with someone else. He backed off for a little while but kept trying to get me to give him a chance. After my alcoholic boyfriend showed me yet again that he wouldn't stop the drinking, didn't want to seek help, and kept on lying to me... I actually started contemplating giving this other guy a chance. So the alcoholic boyfriend of mine was so angry at me for leaving him that he took off to a beach vacation with 2 of his best friends. At the same time, my coworker (and best friend at the time) went to the beach too with 2 of her friends. My best friend and my alcoholic ex end up hooking up at the beach, and from what I hear, they hooked up when they got back home too. I lost my mind for a long time, quit my job, still to this day want to find a way to cause the both of them a lot of harm. I wanted the ex out of my life, but they both stabbed me in the back so hard. So anyway, I became the damsel in distress and here comes the other guy who still wanted me to date him. Despite the baggage I was carrying, I gave it a shot. He had tried so hard to get me to date him, and he was older than me and had so many great things going for him. I thought for sure he'd be worth my time. He became a great distraction from what all I'd been through. He was definitely a charmer and made me feel like I was really something special. He had a lot of bottled up anger for me though because of how I kept "rejecting him for an alcoholic". It startled me at first, but I thought it would pass. He eventually started lashing out at me over every little thing, picked fights, made me feel like I couldn't do anything right. Straight up mental abuse. We started breaking up and getting back together all the time. I lost the few friends I had left... I think they pretty much know why (he didn't like any of them). Whenever I'd see someone out and about they would just look at me, try to make small talk, but you could tell that they were thinking - "My god, she's changed." Things just became very...weird. We stayed together almost a year (disregarding the times we'd break up for 2 days at a time), then recently got into a huge, huge fight. I became so tired of him bringing me down even further. Now he puts all the blame on me and says he's leaving me for good this time. He said I've treated him like sh**. I was really really trying for him. Now I have a broken heart all over again. I'm angry, how dare he just give up on us like that? How dare he think that he is so wonderful that he doesn't make mistakes too? He didn't block my number or anything, he told me that when I get my act together maybe we'd try again, but not now because he doesn't trust a word I say. He tried to change me, strip from me, and mold me into some perfect robot with no feelings or needs of her own. Only his needs mattered. He was very demanding and controlling and didnt even see it. He would hang up on me all the time if I had something I needed to say, block my number. It was all about him. So in a nutshell, I've got a bigtime broken heart again. I should have learned my lesson and stopped going from relationship to relationship, but the damage is already done now. First a cheater, then an alcoholic who screwed my best friend, then a mental abuser. Also, no close friends anymore. After stressing about all this, I also accidentally did something that upset my parents. It was an accident but they basically scolded me and looked at me like I was so stupid. I also went on vacation a few months back and accidentally did something while there that has officially become the most embarrassing moment of my life. When it happened, I locked myself up in a bathroom and cried for hours. I just feel like I've lost it all and apparently can't even think straight anymore, so I keep making stupid decisions and mistakes. I've cried so much that my face stings from all the wet tears. I'm not saying I could actually do it, but I "think" about suicide sometimes. I wouldn't say that I seriously contemplate doing it, but these thoughts come into my head. Deep down I know I wouldn't, but its like I fantasize about it. This might be strange but sometimes I feel like the one who would be lost without me is my little dog. Sometimes, its like I think he's the only thing worth being around for. It really helped to vent all this out, and I'm hoping someone takes the time to read this and give me their perspective. I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this. Thank you. Link to comment
Kitkat973 Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 One thing I noticed from your post is that you seem to put a lot of value in your relationships, and that is what you have been measuring your life by. I'm glad that you feel that suicide is something that you won't do, and I know how difficult it can be to have those thoughts. Have you considered looking for help? Link to comment
onelostlady Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 One thing I noticed from your post is that you seem to put a lot of value in your relationships, and that is what you have been measuring your life by. I'm glad that you feel that suicide is something that you won't do, and I know how difficult it can be to have those thoughts. Have you considered looking for help? I've considered getting help, though sometimes I wonder how effective it might be. You're right, I've put a lot of value in relationships.. but the fact that they've always failed and I'm always "not enough", and the harsh way everything has ended.. it really affects me Link to comment
onelostlady Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 I just hate the way it seems I'm always down on my luck, all my life. I hate that I ponder what it would be like to just put it all to an end permanently. Link to comment
Kitkat973 Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I've been suicidal in the past, and seeking help most helped me with putting an end to those loops of thought where I'd fixate on methods or what it'd be like. Failed relationships hurt, but it's important to focus on the other things in your life that you do have when you're feeling like suicide is a better option. For a long time I took it one day at a time, and I made lists of small pleasures that were in the positives list. Things like chocolate, not seeing the end of a book series, etc. It sounds trivial, but sometimes the little things are all you've got, and they can help. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Onelostlady, I think it would be good for you to just take a break from relationships for a while and just find yourself. You are letting these past relationships define you. That is not a good measuring stick to gage your life. Instead, examine what your interests and hobbies are and develop them. Life is full of many interesting options; you just need to find them......chi Link to comment
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