Girlfriend just broke up with me

[andygeorge08]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for about a year and a half until last night. We both still love each other, but for a long time now things had been going downhill. I'd get frustrated with her or whatever sometimes and not be the best boyfriend and take her for granted occasionally, and it made her sort of check out. I learned from my mistakes and can't believe I hurt someone that important to me and theres no way I will ever take anyone I love that much for granted again. She knows how I feel she just feels that even know she still loves me that she "checked out" awhile ago and she doesn't feel like she can feel the way she did when we started dating again. In my mind though, I know she still loves me, and I still love her, and I want to spend everyday for the rest of my life making her as happy as possible. We're still friends atm, but I can't live with just being friends with her. I love her and I want her back. Any thoughts?

[iBroken]

Just because she still loves you, doesnt mean she can or wants to get back together. Unfortunately, the damage has been done.

 

You just need to give her some space to process her feelings. She might come back, she might not

[lady00]

I agree with iBroken. Your best option is to give her space and time. Pursuing her at this point will not cause her feelings to change. Staying friends with her might not be the best thing for you right now and it gives her no time to miss you. It's a tough situation but when someone ends things you need to treat the relationship as though it is over for good. If you have expressed to her how you feel then there is nothing more you can do.

[Hubble]

You and me are in the same boat my friend, just take it slowly, focus on fixing yourself, eventually showing her that you're a better person.

 

I told my x that I would change for her over the course of almost 4 years, she eventually just had enough of me 'trying' and not getting anywhere.

 

She doesn't believe that I'm changing for good, but you gotta get pushed down to get back up.

 

Best of luck, keep the contact light, or at least do not initiate it. If your relationship was generally healthy, and you had fun times, eventually she will miss you and wonder what you're up to.

[andygeorge08]

Thanks for the advice, I agree basically with what you all said. It's just hard cause she's my best friend and other relationships like with my guy friends and what not are pretty shallow in comparison. I'll try my best to always let her initiate the contact though.

[Iakasot]

I don't think she loves you, she just says she does, she probably even believes what she's saying. If someone truly truly loves you, they're not gonna leave you unless you do something really really bad. I see so many guys blame themselves for a relationship ending, but most of the time it's because they're still in love with the girl and idealize her, and can't see how she contributed to the relationship's demise. I think you should focus on healing, not on trying to trick her into having feelings for you with distance and "spaced out" contact and whatnot.

[AC Slater]

Iakosot is right, I think she's been gradually going through the motions of checking out for a while. She's thought about this for alot longer than you think. Just give her all the space in the world and let her sort herself out. If you didn't have any real issues or whatever, and you were as compatible as you say then your chances are probably better that she'll come back, but by all means don't bank on it. Don't blame yourself, my breakup on the surface was exactly the same - i felt like i took her for granted and it was causing her to "check out", but in reality they chose to check out rather than address WHY they were feeling like this. It's a two way street and you can't blame it all on yourself. Give her space and time, contact from you won't help the situation.

[Ms Darcy]

Are you saying you want to marry her?

[BONO]

In the same boat buddy. The only thing you can do now is let her come to you; and this takes time . As hard as it is you must try to remain NC and say no to friends. Being friends is a way of reducing guilt on herside so the she can wean herself off you and have you there if she needs you. Not a good deal. She made a choice/ decision, she must now see the consequences of that. The beauty of this is that she will miss you. She can t miss you if you are there pleading to get her back. This is not an attractive trait.

 

Make sense ?

[catfeeder]

In the same boat buddy. The only thing you can do now is let her come to you; and this takes time . As hard as it is you must try to remain NC and say no to friends. Being friends is a way of reducing guilt on herside so the she can wean herself off you and have you there if she needs you. Not a good deal. She made a choice/ decision, she must now see the consequences of that. The beauty of this is that she will miss you. She can t miss you if you are there pleading to get her back. This is not an attractive trait.

 

Make sense ?

 

Yep, this makes sense. Playing friendzies is just playing doormat and keeping yourself miserable while keeping her comfortable. It 'supports' behavior you don't want and acts against your own interests. Skip that. She can't miss you if you won't go away. I'd drop from her radar--completely. No need to be cruel about it, just tell her you've rethought the friends thing and would prefer to take her up on that in the future someday. For now, she's welcome to let you know if she ever wants to try reconciling, but other than that, you'll pass.

[BONO]

Yep, this makes sense. Playing friendzies is just playing doormat and keeping yourself miserable while keeping her comfortable. It 'supports' behavior you don't want and acts against your own interests. Skip that. She can't miss you if you won't go away. I'd drop from her radar--completely. No need to be cruel about it, just tell her you've rethought the friends thing and would prefer to take her up on that in the future someday. For now, she's welcome to let you know if she ever wants to try reconciling, but other than that, you'll pass.

 

 

I agree. Forgot any "Sleepless in Seatle " moments. This is made for the films make huge amounts of money and does not work - sadly folks see this as the only *the* only way to reconcile as they dont have any other frame of reference. Saying this PLEASE watch the movie Swingers ASAP !!!

 

People always want the things they cannot have - which in its self is very attractive. Remember when you first met ? Were you anxious to get with them, were you pleading for a try ? No. You were yourself.

 

Alot of this forum is about about getting yourself back together. Once that is achieved, you will be surprised with the results.

[Maverick1984]

Iakasot and BONO is right,

 

The worst thing you can do at this point is to tell her that 'you will change for her' because what you're essentially doing is giving her all the power.

If your gf loved you enough, she wouldn't just leave you and would stick by you to work things out and get through your problems.

 

So really, there's a bigger thing that's happening here that's caused her to want to go. And on a psychological level, it makes much clearer sense when understood -

You have simply become too available and easy for her. She no longer has that tension or uncertainty in the relationship to warrant investing further into it due to knowing that there is nothing she can ever do that will push you away from her.

Understanding this dynamic, what you're now left with with is one option - To walk away and allow yourself to heal and grow. Growth is perhaps the most important thing you can do amidst a breakup because you're no longer in her sight and also becoming a better person that she ended up leaving.

 

Best thing of all, you're no longer providing her the emotional cushion that she needs from you in order to help her move on. That's why being friends with her is a bad idea.

 

There is so much more knowledge i have about this based on personal experience that it will be impossible to explain fully in a forum. I'm actually in the middle of writing it all down in book form crazily enough lol!

 

But basically, take mine and everyone else's advice - What she's demonstrated isn't love, but basically ego. If she doesn't love you enough to want to come back, then the best thing you can do is to shake her ego up a little bit by demonstrating to her that your life and happiness doesn't depend on her being with you.

 

This will force her to rethink her decision to breakup with you because of seeing you demonstrate your lack of need which will make her reinvest into the relationship.

The power in a relationship lies with the one who needs it the least

 

Hope that makes sense

[lady00]

You seem to place a lot of the blame for her "checking out" on your own actions. While this may be the case, I suspect that she probably contributed in some way. My point isn't that you should play a blame game but rather that hopefully with time you will get a better sense of what you both did to contribute to the breakup so that you can learn from what you did but also recognize that you may not have been able to singlehandedly save the relationship by changing your own behavior. Often (if not most of the time) there are issues of compatibility and the dynamics of the relationship that lead to the breakup. I wouldn't refer to it as fault but rather just as differences that don't mesh.

[ceezane]

In the same boat buddy. The only thing you can do now is let her come to you; and this takes time . As hard as it is you must try to remain NC and say no to friends. Being friends is a way of reducing guilt on herside so the she can wean herself off you and have you there if she needs you. Not a good deal. She made a choice/ decision, she must now see the consequences of that. The beauty of this is that she will miss you. She can t miss you if you are there pleading to get her back. This is not an attractive trait.

 

Make sense ?

 

I disagree...

although staying as friends helps her heal, it helps you sneak under the radar (as a friend) and demonstrate to her that you are valuable, and based on your behaviour she will see the difference. you can still make her think you're friends, and still cut her off without looking needy or immature. its a mixed signal, which causes sexual tension. telling her that you dont want to be her friend makes you seem really immature, and there's always a chance that she wont want to reconcile. if you pressure her to only reconcile with you she might just give up and think you're not over her yet (WEAK). a real man shows no care, in a sense where she can believe whatever she wants, but you know the real truth (which is you're not her friend and you're taking advantage of this "false friendship" to win her back)

 

"he's my friend but hes ignoring me...why? i miss my friend, i miss the times we had. what did i do wrong? we were so happy together..."

if you use this fake friendship to look happy, cheerful, and "fresh", she will like it, and possibly consider reconciling.

 

as apposed to:

 

"he's not my friend and he's ignoring me...he deleted me off facebook and doesnt even care. i miss him, but there's no way we're getting back together. im just going to have to move on. we had a good run, time to move on."

this will make you look really immature, especially if she doesnt want to reconcile.

 

once again...this all depends on how you broke up, the relationship you had, your age, and your maturity levels.

 

consider the push-pull theory:

pushing her away completely is a turn off, pulling her in too much is a turn off.

but when you have an equal balance of both, it creates tension. its a mixed signal...

think about when you're flirting with a girl? do you tell her you really really really like her?! do you tell her to * * * * off and tell her youre busy? no way...you pull her in, and push her away at the same time.

 

cat-string theory, check it out

[BONO]

Seriously, immature?

 

 

 

Does this work - have you tried it mate with results. What happens when they start dating or leaving a party with someone else ?

[ceezane]

you dont care =) bcz thats what a real man does! a real man does not show emotion! he moves on!!!!

a real man doesnt sulk and pressure someone to reconcile by ignoring them. if she ever calls you and says "oh i got so drunk last night i went home with that guy" you say something like "sounds like fun! did you hear about that new movie that came out?" and if you are her "friend" you can see/communicate with her more often, as apposed to acting all bitter and immature. its immature to not respect someones decision.

 

the fact that you even said "what if she starts dating?" just goes to show that even though you're cutting her off you still care if she's seeing other guys. the whole "fake friendship" concept is to show her that you are fun, cheerful, and VALUABLE, and she can ONLY be your "friend"...unless she wants more.

 

because at the end of the day...its what she wants, not you. shes a woman...they think like that.

 

and p.s: yes, i have tried this theory and it is working nicely. she thinks we're friends, and she's calling/texting me and im ignoring her. i push her away to the point where she "gives up", but I pull her in slowly by initiating brief contact. push, pull. push, pull. sexual tension

[ceezane]

and think about it like this (if you were a woman)

 

would you want to consider getting back with a mate who seems happy and cheerful without you? or would you want to get back with a mate who seems bitter and only wants to talk to you if you're willing to reconcile? forget it! if she's smart she'll say "FORGET IT! i did this for a REASON! and i dont have to explain myself!!"

you want her saying "im comfortable talking to him about it, since he seems like he doesnt care."

[BONO]

I understand this.

But hey. What good will it do for you ?

 

She has broken up with you, yes you feel upset and hurt - if not then you were never into her in the first place and I agree you can be friends.

 

Now, playing games and pretending to be OK ( at this stage ) with her taking a boy back to her house one night and having sex potentially, then asking if she "had fun" is a touch passive aggressive. If you happy with the thought of her with another guy and rally hoped she had fun and wanted to talk about a movie - then you are her friend.

 

Make sense buddy ?

 

BTW - the last thing on her mind while she is with that boy for example - is the way you feel. If you ask her if she had fun - what happens when she calls your bluff and says " amazing - ive never felt like that in my life or I learnt so much last night - he's taking me to that movie and then Im off back to his for round two - I'll let you know the juicy details later - god thanks for being so understanding with me breaking this off you're a true friend !! "

[andygeorge08]

She contacted me on facebook twice tonight, and the second time I basically ended the conversation and she said this is not what I want, meaning she wants to be friendly so I just told her she helped push me away when we were dating. She has a man she loves who loves her back and wants to make her happy and she ruined that. If she wants to reconcile our relationship I'm open to that, but after the decision she made if she wants to be just friends that might take awhile cause frankly she doesn't deserve that. So, whatever.

[BONO]

...just friends that might take awhile cause frankly she doesn't deserve that. So, whatever.

 

 

Well said.

[Maverick1984]

Having to accept a friendship from a girl you love is very disrespectful.

 

Think about it - It's like her saying "You're not good enough to date and be intimate with, but only good enough to be friends"

 

Have some self respect and move on. She doesn't deserve your friendship or anything else from you for that matter.

 

She now needs to prove to you that she still loves you to make things work. The balls in her court.