My ex came to talk to me after 7 months of not speaking

[manu85]

Hi guys,

 

Just wanted to let this out.

 

Introduction:

 

I am 25 yo and was with my ex gf for almost 1,5 years. We broke up 10 months ago. I rigourously went into NC, initially to get her back but eventually to get over her. Initially she started pulling some of my friends (5-10 people, mostly 3-4) really close to her, probably scared of losing them because she all got to know them through me. I started to withdraw from social and weekend activities and parties with them. Me and my ex last talked 7 months ago, for about 2 minutes (just a social "hi, how are you?" chit chat). The first 3-4 months I wash crushed, since then I've been a lot better. Right now I'm at the point where I clearly see the flaws in our relationship, in each other, and some of the reasons why we probably aren't such a good match and getting back would probably be stupid and stressful on both of us. Still, it remains difficult. I was never so close to anyone in my life, including my best friends and family, as to her. We went through a lot together and I will always genuinely care about her, she's special, as I consider my best friends and family very special too.

 

Yesterday's party:

I went to a party with some of my friends. Including some mutual friends of my ex. As I had been to a pub with another friend just before, I came by myself a little later. I guess standing in line it did cross my mind she might be there, but I didn't ask, think nor actively bother, as I would go anyway.

 

I entered and saw some mutual friends. Then I went looking for my (non-mutual) friends, which I had to look the entire room out for lol so of course I did spot her after walking around for 5 minutes. No eye-contact, I don't think she saw me seeing her, and I did feel a little bit nervous/awkward about accidently bumping in. I felt quite relaxed and calm, although admittedly, of course, it did do me something to see her, and I felt slightly nervous about accidently bumping into her. I decided to just go over to my (non-mutual) friends and have a good time with them. I did just that, started talking to them, not focusing on my ex and trying to just have fun, which was all in all working out well. As I was having a conversation with another female friend, I noticed her looking at me, immediately looking away. I decided to not go and say hi to her, unless I would be feeling really comfortable. I decided, if bumping into her, or being in a position where it would just be really awkward to ignore her, I would just say hi friendly. Didn't really think about it too much after that, and just had a good time.

 

Contact and conversation:

 

At one point, I was there for about 1,5 hour, I went to the bar to order some drinks for my friends. While looking for my money, I suddenly noticed someone ticking my back. I turned around and there she stood, with sort of a big shy goofish smile: my ex. I guess subconciously I expected someone like this could happen, but I probably looked a little bit surprised, although I didn't feel fear, or anger, or irritation, or butterflies. I smiled back (moderately ;-), keeping my cool, but genuinely).

 

She asked "How are you?".

I said - again, genuine but keeping a bit of distance, not showing too much - "I'm doing all right. What about you?".

Answering me with a - not looking me in the eyes this time - "I'm all right. Basic all right. Just basic." I noticed her proctectingly kind of hugging herself (don't know how to say that in English) with both arms.

I silently nodded, not wanting to force her to elaborate on that and give her space to do that on her own terms. (I heard she just broke up with a 1,5 month boyfriend about a week ago). I wasn't scared of making eye-contact with her.

She said: "It does me really good to see you" (we only just saw each other 2 times the past 6 months or so without speaking). She came off a bit shy. (which she normally isn't!)

Didn't expect that one. I just smilishly grinned a bit, pulling one my eyebrows (It wàs a bit weird, not? Her saying that) I kind of didn' t know how to react on that, I guess I must have said something along the lines of "Well, thanks I guess" with a smile, just to say something positive but neutral.

I guess I must have felt a tiny bit awkward after that because I started looking at my line and started looking to the bar, gesturing that I was losing my place in line to other people. (afterwards, I realize she came a bit too close for my liking with that remark).

She understood and said: "Oh, no problem, go catch your drinks. And please take really good care of yourself, okay? I mean REALLY good care." With a very intense look in her eyes and a smile.

I said: "I will, thanks. You take care too" I smiled and turned around, then she went away too. About 10 minutes later a mutual friend came telling me she'd left the party (I think she does that for feeling guilty about me withdrawing from party life months ago, genuinely wanting me to have a good time. Actually I would have liked her to stay, as I'm not in the stage anymore where I can't have fun when she's around at a party and I semi-obsessively would watch the guys she'd talk with all night. No more of that).

 

Analysis

 

I felt quite relaxed. It was nice to talk to her again. While it was definitely still a bit mixed it was also like talking to an old really great friend again. I realize I'm no longer in love with her, and am definitely past the hardest stages of getting over her. I'm really really proud for remaining NC for such a long time, and without exceptions. Initially, I went into NC just to go into NC, thinking stupid things as "Ha, I hope you cry from missing me" (I know, immature and silly), but in the end, it truly made me more objective, made it possible for me to get detached emotionally, and to lose my feelings of anger, hurt and jealousy.

 

Although I have to admit, waking up this morning, re-thinking things, I did have a hard time supressing my sexual fantasies, lol Red flag, I know! That led to me remembering a special moment between us again and feeling a bit emotional again, but thinking about it, again, I realized all the reasons we broke up. And I realized it's all for the better keeping at that conviction, shutting out any memories of the past. I really do realize that I'm learning from this experience, I'm growing, I’m accepting. I feel more self-sufficient, I feel more self-conscious emotionally, I feel free'er out of this relationship, less pressured. I still do have minor setbacks, regularly. But I’m doing all right.

 

I know we're in a dangerous stage still. Becoming friends now is not a good idea. But I feel nothing but genuinely positive feelings for this girl, I really do care for her, more and more as a friend I'm realizing, and someone I genuinely wish is happy in life. The intensity of my feelings for her has definitely diminished. I hope we can one day become friends, but NC for now would still be better. I don't want to fall in the trap of becoming 'friends with benefits'. To have this girl as a friend, I would really sacrifice some cheap, old sex, which I can get from other people. I really hope down the line we can become friends.

 

And, for the male posters here (sorry women, I don't mean to brag but what has helped me this week to get a self-confidence boost, is that 2 female friends of mine have actually asked me if I want to do a threesome with them!!! (lol, you read that right, never happened to me before, this is quite crazy!! obviously I'd like to try that out although there's also dangers attached to this and what it might do to our friendships, and theirs, but that's another story.)

 

I really think having another person sexually interested in you, and building up a relationship of confidence with them, is a very good way to have your sexual needs canalized towards other people besides your ex. It takes away jealously, anger and really made and makes me feel more neutral sexually about my ex (although, that hasn't exactly completely worked out yet, I admit). And it's a great confidence booster!

 

Take care guys!

[hausser]

Great post, great analysis. Sounds like she's missing you dude, on what level I would dare not to venture a guess though.

 

Are you in the UK?

[manu85]

Hey hausser,

 

thanks for your reply. You're right, I think she misses me too, and like you, I also don't know at which level. I know for a fact that she loved me very much, and she might still hope for us to get back together somewhere down the road. But she might also have realized that this break-up really is for the best, and even though maybe her heart might not be following her head the whole time, she might also genuinely want to become friends.

 

Anyway, I guess it doesn't really matter what she thinks. The only thing that matters to me right now is how I feel. What I want. Right now, I don't want a relationship anymore. I think our characters proved too different for things to function smoothly, we would probably have to adapt ourselves way too much to each other in order to make the other person truly happy. It's still hard though. I have such fond memories of our time together. But I'm also excited for other things, maybe other relationships, as this is the only long one I've had.

 

I'm from Belgium by the way.

 

And, last but not least, re-reading my thread I regret posting the part about the threesome. It seems gross and a bit immature. I hope I didn't offend people. And I realize that this is just a sexual experiment, have a little fun, and this is in no way where I want to end up in the long-term. Having threesomes with people won't make me happy and I don't want to make anyone else believe that it does. I do want another relationship in the long run, and this is just a little confidence booster. It doesn't hurt to enjoy my single life, now does it?

[hausser]

I like reading threads like these though, positive and shows there's light at the other end of the tunnel. : )

 

I don't think you should feel embarassed at all, it's certainly not immature this is essentially a relationship forum after all, it's just a circumstance of your life right now. Kinda indicative of your healing. Wish I was in the same boat!

 

Tough one man, you're obviously still very fond of her, I would be EXACTLY the same in a few months time If my ex came onto me, I can assure you. If you can objectivley look back and see the flaws then your a stage further on than me definatley.

 

I assume you're going to keep NC, my guess she won't be long contacting you again or "accidentally" bumping into dude. Was it a messy BU?

[donpeel83]

I like reading threads like these though, positive and shows there's light at the other end of the tunnel. : )

 

Me too, always good to see this sort of thing happen.

[Carus]

I know we're in a dangerous stage still. Becoming friends now is not a good idea

It is very healthy for you to recognize that, but it depends on whether or not you want her back or if you really can just be friends with her....

 

It sounds like you are in a good place with it all now. I wish you all the best.

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[manu85]

Thanks for your replies guys.

 

I hate to admit that I'm having a bit of a setback these past 2 days. I keep replaying our conversation over and over again in my head, trying to analyze if she might still want to get back together with me, thinking how I'd have come off.

 

I lost my composure a bit. I lost my focus on me a bit and it is shifting towards her and what she wants again.

 

I know that it is very probable that she is trying to attach me to her again, but after being really friendly now, if I let her back into my life now, she will probably become more distant again and try and "check me out" as "a friend" from a distance to see what I've changed about myself, if I've really changed, if I've made some decisions etc. And I'm afraid it won't be enough for her and I'll be left again as the dumpee.

 

But, at the same time, I'm forgetting that there's no way this or any relationship can work if I don't put in work on me, on myself. I really need to live without her, independently, and work on myself, grow, I was really starting to enjoy the focus on me, so I need to get that back. I need to let go. Be stronger, let go. Realize the reasons why this wouldn't work anyway, even if she'd want me back and even if my feelings for her would grow stronger again. I need to let go, let go, let go. The only way to use the coming months and maybe year valuably is if I used it to nurture myself. Not if I use it to go into a previously failed, unstable relation again where two people love each other madly but have to adapt their personality, habits, etc. soooo hard they lose themselves to make the other one happy, resulting in unhappiness.

 

 

Pfffff, I still need to stay away from her. I need to heal 100% first. I need more recovery time.

 

He, that feels better

[hausser]

Same thing happened to me dude after I saw my ex for the first time, although it wasn't as long as 7 months. I got sucked back in. She broke NC the next day and following few days, I made the mistake of seeing it as a recon attempt and fell for it hook line and sinker. Fast forward a few weeks and I'm back NC again, a little bit wiser but certainly more bitter towards her I'm sorry to say.

 

You do have to be very very careful in re-communicating with an ex you were very close to (as in loved deeply, like we did).

[manu85]

You're right. I already decided that if she'd contact me and attempt to have a conversation, talk, become 'friends' (ugh, I hate her being so ambiguous about the term 'friendship'), I will kindly refuse that until I've recovered 100%. I need to heal, it's really still all about me.

 

It's weird how, during the conversation, I didn't feel threatened at all, but afterwards, thinking about it again and again, memorizing certain stuff, I slowly am noticing her growing power over me again, and I feel it's so unfair that that is happening after maybe 4 sentences of speaking to me.

 

But I need not to make excuses. I decide what happens. I am in control. I just need to do 2 things, and need to keep at it: 1) not allow her into my life in whichever form 2) keep focusing on myself, my healing, what I want. That's the only way to go.

 

Thanks for your reply, hausser, take care!

[hausser]

Wish I had your focus man, all the best.

[manu85]

Hey hausser,

 

You have the same power, you just have to choose how to use it. Sounds like B.S. huh? That's what I thought too the first 3-4 months. And now I completely agree with these words, I completely feel them.

 

I've given it some more thought, and I'm sure again now, regaining my composure. I'm not in love with her anymore (and, I hate to admit it, but maybe I never was...) although I really loved her. I need to not let myself get down by having regular contact with her. I need to stay away. I need to trust my own feelngs. I'm loving my time alone so much. I really feel like I'm enjoying nurturing myself, growing, learning, learning to love myself more, I sooo love being free. We are too different to make things work. We would have to work too hard. We have a different vision of the future. There's nothing left but letting go and thanking each other for what was. I care for her tremendously, and I want her to live a happy life, but right now the only wise thing to do is to forget each other. No friendship, no relationship. Get over each other completely, take a shot at happiness with a special someone else. Hopefully, in a year or maybe two, or maybe three, we can be friends, genuinely, I'd really like that.

 

So long, my sweetheart, I wish you well. I truly do. And I thank you for all the love you gave me, and the great times we had together.

[LaKings55]

I keep wondering if my ex will contact me at some point. I'm certainly not banking on it, but I wonder...

[beautifulangel]

Manu85,

 

How about making it a foursome lols... Just Kidding. GO FOR IT MAN!!!

[lemsip]

I keep wondering if my ex will contact me at some point. I'm certainly not banking on it, but I wonder...

 

The thing that melts my brain is that I KNOW mine will be in touch, she has to as we own a house and we're gonna have to sort it out (rent or sell it).

 

So although I'm trying NC best I can I know it's gonna be broke soon anyway. Meh.

[manu85]

Manu85,

 

How about making it a foursome lols... Just Kidding. GO FOR IT MAN!!!

 

Always welcome if you want to join in ;-)

 

I'm definitely going to try this out It might be a bit awkward, but fun and hot. I'd be a fool to refuse an offer made to me on a silver plate like that Life's too short!

 

@lemsip: I understand, I wouldn't like that either. If I were you, I'd really get it into my head that the only reason she contacts you is because of practical stuff. Any subtle signs of her seducing you/trying to check if you're over her should be interpreted as pure playing with you. Be nice but distant to her, and protect yourself.