I really want to contact him!

[Bella4]

So I had some dreams again last night of him giving me another chance, I know it's just a dream.

 

And this mutual friend of ours (whos more his friend than mine, and always sees him) keeps posting photographs of him on Facebook (it's doing my head in).. but he looks really unhappy in all of them.

 

I really miss him, I feel I've lost my soul mate.

 

I'm so deseperate to contact him, but at the same time I don't want to because it may just make me feel rubbish again. I know he still cares about me, but I am pretty sure he doesnt want to reconcile, but he just looks so unhappy.

[dabbledave]

Assuming you are the dumpee, let him make any moves to reconcile.

 

Until then, try and make yourself happy without him. And importantly forgive him for the pain he caused you and forgive yourself for any mistakes you made in the relationship. Let go of the baggage of the old relationship.

 

This well help you move on without him or increase the chances of getting back together sustainably, whichever it happens to be. And forgiveness/letting go is a great healer; you'll feel much better! Trust me -- I just went through it.

[Bella4]

Assuming you are the dumpee, let him make any moves to reconcile.

 

Until then, try and make yourself happy without him. And importantly forgive him for the pain he caused you and yourself for any mistakes you made and let go of the baggage of the old relationship. This well help you move on without him or increase the chances of getting back together sustainably, whichever it happens to be. And forgiveness is a great healer; you'll feel much better.

 

Yes I am the dumpee, he dumped me 3 weeks ago to this day. I sort of do forgive him because of how unhappy he looks, and I also know and accept what went wrong within the relationship on my behalf.

 

I don't think he will contact me, because I told him I want space and don't want to be friends..

[dabbledave]

Okay. Stick with NC until you're in a more stable frame-of-mind. I bet your emotions are still all over the place, right?

[Bella4]

Okay. Stick with NC until you're in a more stable frame-of-mind. I bet your emotions are still all over the place, right?

 

Well, I was doing really well until a mutual friend kept posting pictures of him on Facebook. He just looks really unhappy.

 

And I just miss him so much. I hope he misses me too. And yeah ok i'll stay in NC.

[dabbledave]

Do yourself a favour. Avoid checking out Facebook for a while.

 

I've defriended my ex, but a few days ago I saw that she commented on a mutual friend's photo. I noticed that she changed her profile pic. Her old one was a pic I took on one of our recent holidays together. The new pic is a gorgeous portrait of her. That set me back a fair bit.

 

Keep your distance and if/when he shows genuine regret and asks to get back together, be sure to play a little hard to get. Take some power and self-respect back from this experience.

 

DD

[Bella4]

Do yourself a favour. Avoid checking out Facebook for a while.

 

I've defriended my ex, but a few days ago I saw that she commented on a mutual friend's photo. I noticed that she changed her profile pic. Her old one was a pic I took on one of our recent holidays together. The new pic is a gorgeous portrait of her. That set me back a fair bit.

 

Keep your distance and if/when he shows genuine regret and asks to get back together, be sure to play a little hard to get. Take some power and self-respect back from this experience.

 

DD

 

I defriended him over a week ago, I told him I was doing it too because I couldnt deal with being his friend as it hurts too much.

 

I also have changed my photo to a gorgeous portrait of me, lol.

 

The fact is after 3 years of a great relationship (yes some trivial rocky patches, but hey all relationships have those).. he said there will never be an us again. How can he say never? I know he cares about me. I just dont know what to do. A lot of the break up was because he didnt feel good enough for me, and kept saying I deserved better - and in that process it made him start hating himself. I just want to be that girl that makes him feel loved again.

[learning2relax]

Oh Bella..... he has to love himself before he can receive and appreciate the love of another. I understand your willingness to solve but as sad as it sounds - you can't fix this. He has to. It has to start with him. Don't put yourself back by contacting him to solve for his pain. Focus on solving for yours. You have to be the priority. I am not saying be outwardly selfish - just take care of yourself or you are no good to anyone and are mirroring his behavior.

 

I would suggest staying away from facebook completely if you running into information on him. I actually deactivated my account. It is a nice option because when you do that, it simply suspends it. When I am better and stronger and most importantly ready....I can just log in and pick up where I left off. It is all still there. It really really helps.

 

Please try and keep your impulse to reach out under control - for you. Be strong for you!

[dabbledave]

Maybe read and digest some of this thread about nonchalance and getting some power back:

 

Don't try anything recommended there yet. It may be useful only if he initiates contact and you really feel you have to respond.

 

EDIT: And agree with Learning ^^

[learning2relax]

Oh, sorry...meant to add a comment about your focus on his use of the word "never." Ex's say all kinds of things when they are where they are. A lot of it is irrational and illogical. It is simply where he is coming from right now. If he stays in that place indefinitely, he will make it true. Try not to focus on the words - it is the actions that are most relevant in my experience.

[Bella4]

Oh, sorry...meant to add a comment about your focus on his use of the word "never." Ex's say all kinds of things when they are where they are. A lot of it is irrational and illogical. It is simply where he is coming from right now. If he stays in that place indefinitely, he will make it true. Try not to focus on the words - it is the actions that are most relevant in my experience.

 

I had to talk to him the other day because I needed to tell him im going to this event called the zombie walk and im a volunteer, and he said he'd stay away for me, and wanted me to have fun. He was really nice. (Which probably made it worse for me).. he was talkign about where he was going to propose just 2 weeks before he dumped me. I'm running out of patience to wait for him to contact me. And having dreams about him every night certainly doesn't help.

 

@DabbleDave - I really can't see him initiating contact with me for months.

[learning2relax]

I had to talk to him the other day because I needed to tell him

 

Bella dear, you didn't have to talk to him and you didn't need to tell him anything. In my opinion you conjured up justification in order to be in contact with him.

 

Please realize that when he relieved you of being his girlfriend, he relieved you of the responsibilities you may have had when you were. He no longer needs to know the personal details of your life or any other information coming from you for that matter. You have no obligation to share anything with him at all. Doing so only allows himself to wean himself from you and not miss you. You just posted about wanting to help him feel better because he is so down. If you allow him to feel the loss as you do, perhaps that will contribute to motivating him to do something about it. If you keep being there for him and sharing things with him, you are only enabling him further. I am not saying that this will fix him as I stated earlier, he has to decide to do this and commit to it himself. If there is any chance you could contribute to motivating him, then keep to yourself and allow him to feel the pain.

 

I have two kids. One is 22 and one is 13. I thank my lucky stars for them a lot! I have learned more from them then I think they learned from me. One very important lesson was about how I need to let them feel in order to grow. Even if it is pain. Even if my desire out of my love for them is to protect them in every way. Too much of a good thing is not good. There is a balance to everything that has to be applied - no matter what our own motivations and desires are.

 

When I allowed my kids to pick themselves up when they fell and hurt themselves (vs. me running to them to pick them up and coddle them), they stopped crying hysterically and figured it out. Each time I jumped in, the next time they fell, the louder they cried and the longer they waited for me to come running to pick them up. What they didn't realize is when I stopped running to them to pick them up - it isn't that I abandoned them - I was hiding around the corner watching them to ensure they were safe and ok. It is tough stuff because you care and love and want to "do" but you have to realize that they have to do or they will never grow and be fulfilled. It was out of my love for them that I stopped running to them and allowed them to learn. It was one of the hardest ways for me to "show" my love for them and took me a bit to figure it out. But it is absolutely true.

 

If you keep being there for him, he will not grow on his own and it won't be good for you either. You will find yourself depleted. You have to take care of yourself and allow them to do the same. It is healthy to take care of one's self. It is the right thing to do. You have to do it for him and just as importantly, you have to let him do it for himself.

[Bella4]

@Learning2relax

 

I certainly understand what you're saying.

 

And the only reason I contacted him was because I currently could not handle seeing him at this event, and he was planning on going to it - and I said if he's going i'll stay away, but instead he opted to stay away as I'm volunteering at the event. Better than me breaking down into a mess if I saw him, lol.

 

And that is exactly what I want him to feel (in a non twisted way)..I want him to feel pain, I want him to miss me. I wish I could tell what he was thinking, but I dont have a crystal ball, which I guess is the most frustrating thing of all. The unknown. Will he come back? Will he rebound? Is he happy with his decision?

 

I have no idea to all of those questions, and I am really trying hard to distract myself, and focus on myself within my own life - but it's really hard when you've invested so much of yourself into someone you love for over 3 years, then for it to juts disappear.

 

I would have married him, we planned our future - and now its gone.

[Bella4]

Well, it turns out all his family have deleted me, and my ex has deleted my family and anyone who was friends with me - he's cut ALL strings related to me, like I didnt exist. Great. Just another nail in the coffin. Set me back even more.

[carrie8484]

keep strong hun. i texted my ex an hour ago, im so angry with myself. He didnt reply. I did it out of boredom and loneliness, pathetic eh. I dont understand why he doesnt miss me. we used to spend every weekend together. makes me wonder what hes upto and who with... Its so cruel to be told one minute they love you and have plans with you, and the next you're nothing. NC is so hard, but really, its all we have to get any control back.

[Bella4]

OH IT GETS BETTER GUYS - he's posted on his tumblr (and he knows only I look at his tumblr and nobody else) he's posted an image which says "You can't airbrush personality" ...he's started to be nasty, for no apparent reason.

 

I only feel he's trying to make me hate him so he feels better?..I dont think he can handle what he did to me. I DONT WANT TO HATE HIM, but holy cow, it's working.

 

And I accidently broke down and typed this to him.."You can't airbrush personality? Thanks. Screw you. And don't say it wasn't directed at me - because you know that it was. Push me away all you like. You can't pretend that last 3 years didn't happen. And P.s, my new picture isn't * * * * ing airbrushed. P.p.s Dont know why you're being such a * * * * * when all I did was love you"

 

I BROKE MY NO CONTACT. I'm so angry with myself and him right now.

 

I truly feel worthless, I feel like I'm a disposable piece of trash.

[carrie8484]

if he's showing emotion, negative or positive, he's still thinking about this break up - seriously. my ex ex was the same. all angry and nasty- he was trying to convince himself he didnt want me. he came back.

[Bella4]

if he's showing emotion, negative or positive, he's still thinking about this break up - seriously. my ex ex was the same. all angry and nasty- he was trying to convince himself he didnt want me. he came back.

 

Hahaha, excellent. Well, I'd love the day if he did come back, because it would be a big fat no. And yes I believe he's trying to convince himself.

 

I didn't think about it that way, that he's thinking about me even if it's good or bad, thanks for that.

[Mellie]

Don't beat yourself up for it. We all have our off days.

 

I agree with carrie. Particularly where the dumpee did a lot of chasing. The dumper seems to say "stop chasing, stop chasing", kick you away, then after a pause wonder "...but why isn't she chasing me anymore?

 

It's all about ego, I think.

[Bella4]

He deleted the tumblr post. This is just getting weird, why did he post it to begin with?

 

And I don't think I have chased him much - but it's all going to stop now. He can make love to his ego.

[Mellie]

You should have been flattered that he was thinking of you and ignored it. Easier said than done, I know I know he was being a jerk, but the action spoke louder than the words. He was only trying to elicit a response, I'm sure. It screamed "chase me chase me".

 

Unless he contacts you directly I wouldn't contact him and I'd block everything so you can't see his updates and stuff - that'll remove the temptation of responding + stop you driving yourself crazy.

[Bella4]

You should have been flattered that he was thinking of you and ignored it. Easier said than done, I know I know he was being a jerk, but the action spoke louder than the words. He was only trying to elicit a response, I'm sure. It screamed "chase me chase me".

 

Unless he contacts you directly I wouldn't contact him and I'd block everything so you can't see his updates and stuff - that'll remove the temptation of responding + stop you driving yourself crazy.

 

Ahh I know Mellie! But I didn't think of that until afterwards.. instead I vented at him via skype before blocking him.

 

Chase him? He can shove it. He's being so weird about this break up now. Cutting ALL strings - he's wiped atleast 30 contacts from facebook because they were assotiated with me. Yet he thinks its appropriate to post stuff on tumblr - tumblr seems to be the way we are communicating to each other but not directly.

 

Just dont know why he deleted the post, why post it to begin with?

 

I sorta regret giving him a responce - but I fully broke down and was so angry. Why is he doing this? It's clear to me he's thinking about me, but his actions are pushing me away (when our break up wasnt even a bad one)... its like he cant handle his feelings (and if you've read any previous threads of mine you'd see this).. he never dealt with his fathers death 7 years ago, you mention his name he'll get angry rather than upset... he bottles all his emotions up (which i guess ruined our relationship)......... he needs to deal with our break up.

[Mellie]

That's interesting. My ex's father died when he was 18. He said he never cried and never has since. At all. At anything. I don't think that's healthy. I have a friend who didn't cry over her father's death either - I guess it was just too much - but she's cried since. When my grandma died, I remember my dad crying, but not me - not straight away anyway - it was just too much to take in I think. But when people never deal with it - it doesn't sound good.

 

Anyway, I'm a fine one for telling you not to respond. I told mine to go stick it where the sun don't shine (in a roundabout way). Strangely, I don't regret it though. I'm starting to get my head around the fact that, just perhaps, this wasn't meant to be after all.

[Bella4]

That's interesting. My ex's father died when he was 18. He said he never cried and never has since. At all. At anything. I don't think that's healthy. I have a friend who didn't cry over her father's death either - I guess it was just too much - but she's cried since. When my grandma died, I remember my dad crying, but not me - not straight away anyway - it was just too much to take in I think. But when people never deal with it - it doesn't sound good.

 

Anyway, I'm a fine one for telling you not to respond. I told mine to go stick it where the sun don't shine (in a roundabout way). Strangely, I don't regret it though. I'm starting to get my head around the fact that, just perhaps, this wasn't meant to be after all.

 

Yes he hasnt cried since he was about 9 or 11... due to another childhood trauma to do with a teacher and abuse (not sexual)..... but anything that has to deal with a lot of negative raw emotion - he cant, and wont.

 

Which is why hes been distracting himself with 2 of his best friends (who are a couple)...so that cant be much fun being a gooseberry.. and shopping for stuff he doesnt need, posting * * * * on tumblr, and wiping me away from his life all together.

 

I need jesus. I was with him for 3 years, HOW can he pretend it didnt happen.

[sunnz]

Its quite normal for an ex to be negative it means they are trying to deal with their emotions they are angry...which in reality means they are hurting...my ex was the same he was angry and resentful and acting cold...3 months later he was a brand new self total opposite...caring talking happy to talk to me etc...