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I sent a letter yesterday, feedback wanted!

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After looking around on various internet sites, I decided to send a letter to my ex yesterday - it should arrive tomorrow. To say that I am a little apprehensive is an understatement... I did try and stuck to some guidelines I found. I am glad I sent it because I believe that I do need to apologise, explain and ask - I figure I have nothing to lose.


We tried to reconcile earlier this year, however, he was still angry with him and this ended after 4 weeks (his decision, although angry that I didn't contact him following his outburst and telling me never to speak to him again) God, when I write this down, it sounds so juvenile, but I do understand why he is angry!


He has told me that he wants to keep in touch, that we 'were meant to be', bottom line is that he doesn't trust me.


In the letter, I tried not to gush and look needy and included the following;

I apologised and took responsibility for my decisions/actions (I was the 'dumper' originally) and told him how much I regretted them.


I told him that I respected his decision, understood how I had hurt him/let him down and understood that things could only work out again if we both wanted to reconcile


I told him that I would not let him down again if he decided that he would like to reconcile at any point and told him

I told him the reasons why I loved him.


I spoke about the positive things I would like to do to repair our relationship

I reminisced about some of the positive things from our previous relationship


I told him about some positive things that are going in my life


I told him that I wished him all the best things and much happiness whatever happens, and that I love him.

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Well you may get a response or you may not, but the main thing is to now park it there for a while. No more letters, no texts. No emails to say "Did you get my letter?".... You will now need to focus on the important things in your life and let things unfold as they will....


Be patient and try to move on as best you can....The most successful reconcilliations happen out of the blue when the person is not even really thinking about their ex. And I'm talking years here...not a few days or months even....


Unless one person dies, you can never tell what the future will hold....But as anyone in their 80's or older would tell us "Enjoy life while we have it".....ie: Dont put your life on hold...for anyone!


You'll probably get a response but you should still stick to what you have said in that letter and maintain some distance to let the dust settle. That would probably give you the best chance down the track should the opportunity ever come up*


Best Of Luck

Carus* 8-)

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Thats fine...It's not going to be easy...quite the opposite...


But out of hard times comes strength, wisdom and compassion*


All you need to do for now is just breathe and take care of yourself....Everything else will unfold as it will*


Stay off the phone. Stay off FaceBook. Have a bath. Watch a movie. Be beautiful*


Sending You Strength

Carus* 8-)

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Who knows whether you will get a response, what the response may be and where it can take you. But I would say this. If you do get one, pause. Don't respond immediately. Gather yourself, clear your thoughts. If they offer you a scrap of hope, before you know it, you're grabbing it and pulling it as hard as you can. Could be that it isn't attached to anything, and when you pull it comes loose and you land up on your backside. What I'm trying to say, completely hypocritically (and I knew better, but I still did it), don't resort to pleading, bargaining, trying to reason and all the rest of it. The general theory is that it only drives them further away - I don't know about that - I give up trying to mind read, but it will definitely make you feel like crap.

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I wish I could go back with a clear head, and handle things differently. It still may not have changed the outcome, but I'd feel more dignified. Or perhaps I may have felt like a doormat. Who knows? In my case, hindsight isn't 20/20, it just causes more confusion.

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I'm not sure I believe him TBH. Do you open the mail of someone you're "seeing"? I've never opened anyone's mail - even the guy I lived with.


If it is true, well, it's not your fault she's so insecure in herself that she (a) feels the need to open his post or (b) goes ballistic at the content. If I saw a letter like that from my boyfriend's ex, sure, I wouldn't be over the moon, but provided he didn't want to reconcile, what have I got to go ballistic about? It doesn't sound healthy to me.


Don't feel bad. There's no crime in what you did. You only reached out - if that. Let yourself off the hook. I'd just leave it all alone now and let them get on with it. It doesn't sound like a great relationship to me.

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I texted him and asked him is he was serious, unfortunately he was. I had no idea she was staying with him. I'm 35, and feel ridiculous and humiliated. He is 29, and she is 24.


I asked why she was opening his mail, it turns out this is a girl who he was seeing before, who is very insecure about me. She knows of our history (we lived together and were due to get married, and he was v open with her in beginning about feelings for me and decided that she would open it because 'the envelope was handwritten'.


He has started seeing her again but unfortunately, he hasn't told her that we reconciled briefly this year, nor that he told me that 'he didn't love her like he did me', she was 'the next best thing because we hadn't worked out' and that 'we were meant to be', or that he has seen or had contact with me periodically over the last year. (I did not make reference to her or any of those things in my letter)


Asked him what he wanted to do:

1) Has asked me not to say anything if she contacts me (she could msg me on fb, she only knows who I am because he told her previously!)

2) Says he wants to stay in contact (I asked him outright) because 'he still thinks alot of me even if we are not going to be together'.... WHAT does this mean????

3)He is not intending on telling her anything, so she thinks I am some fruitloop who has had nothing to do with him for 4.5 years, who has just randomly sent him a letter declaring loads of personal stuff

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Ouch!! First of all, I would have absolutely flipped out if my SO opened a personal letter to me. It was up to him to share with her. That shows a lot of distrust and insecurity on her part not to mention disrespect.. Obviously well founded, but regardless - none of her business.

Was he seeing the both of you at the same time at any point?

Di d you ask him about his intentions with her?

I dont like the fact that he wants to keep you around. He seems confused and if it were me, I would walk. (Ha I say that now, but never been in such a situation). Sounds like you need to be firm with him. He either wants you or her. Cant have both and dont wait around for him to decide. Not fair to any of you.

IF I received a message on FB, I would also tell her everything she wanted to know. Dont lie for him.

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Massive ego stroke for him though. Why is he contacting you and involving you in this? If he has issues with her, which he seems to be blaming on you (I beg to differ - sounds more a case of mistrust due to the fact that he's been telling porkie pies and she's got a whiff of it)...


This is how you'd expect it to go down:


1. He opens the letter.

2. Possibly he discusses it with her, possibly not to save her feelings.

3. He (a) tells you it's over or (b) tells you it's not or © says he's not sure - in (b) and © he breaks it off with her if he's a moderately decent guy.


Meh. I would walk away.

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He was in contact with me via text/email whilst he was seeing her last year- he ended things with her on more than one occasion last year, and maintained that things were casual until August time when he decided that WE wouldn't work, and he was going to give it a proper shot with her.

They had a holiday in Sept 2010, he ended things with her following the holiday, he contacted me, but he started seeing her again when I told him that I had concerns about whether he was ready give things a proper try with me. He got angry and stating that I blow hot and cold etc and that he should have known etc. (I was the one who orginally ended our relationship in 2007)


He continued with her until 3rd Jan 2011, when he decided to reconcile with me, however he didn't tell her that was the reason, because she has been insecure about me the whole time, was worried about 'what she would do' ,because 'she is a nice girl, and idolised him'. It ended between us in Feb because he said I wasn't bothereed about him, and wasn't bothereed about him - he ended it and told me never to speak to him again! My concern was that he was practically in hiding apart from us seeing his family and also that he was still v angry about the past.


He has started seeing her again, I have no idea when although it was after the 4-5 weeks I spent with him. I can say is that he has been honest with me about everything, it is not the case with her, he has lied through his back teeth since last year to her. I know he was hurt very badly when we split originally in 2007 although it wasn't a walk in the park for me either.


He is asking me to keep quiet, protect him as such, I had no intention of messing in his life like that, and don't intend on speaking to the girl or telling her anything.


I just wanted him to see that I was bothered, was serious etc. especially when he stated that it could have been so different. I'm willing to take some responsibility and wanted to tell him that


I don't know what to do, but guess there isn't anything.

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So he's basically yoyoing between the two of you? You deserve better - until you start to see this things aren't going to change.


I don't think this guy is going to suddenly change. He's bad news by your post above. Even if he did, could you really get over a history like that? I know you think you could now because you love him and you're desperate to have him back, but honestly, he doesn't sound like any kind of a catch to me.

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Oh god, i feel sick, girl he is seeing has messaged me on fb, have entered in marathon messaging session, and ex is p***ed. Really angry although I haven't told her anything. She is widly exaggerating claims, whilst he was texting me having a go. she knows nothing about what has happened...


I feel sick, sweaty, panicky, although I have responded to her. Told her she should speak to him etc etc. She thinks we have no contact. She keeps on and on, and appear to have already alienated the ex forever Feel terrible, really terrible

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Oh god, i feel sick, girl he is seeing has messaged me on fb, have entered in marathon messaging session, and ex is p***ed. Really angry although I haven't told her anything. She is widly exaggerating claims, whilst he was texting me having a go. she knows nothing about what has happened...


I feel sick, sweaty, panicky, although I have responded to her. Told her she should speak to him etc etc. She thinks we have no contact. She keeps on and on, and appear to have already alienated the ex forever Feel terrible, really terrible


Why are you talking to her at all?

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Don't respond to her again, no matter what she says.


And honestly...you need to let him go. What he is doing is just unreal. Basically, he's playing you two against each other. Even if he isn't doing it on purpose, he's doing it. He's telling you stuff that contradicts what he's telling her, which makes YOU out to be the psycho ex who can't let go when in fact he's practically begging you to keep in contact with him. Yuck. Awful.


Stop responding to him, too. If you have to, text him one last time and say something like "It's clear that you've got yourself into a mess here, and I refuse to be dragged into it. Please refrain from contacting me. I will not be responding." And then....IGNORE.

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