I broke NC, and now I don't know what to do?

[Ms Insecure]

I finally told him to leave me alone and so he did, but then it started bothering me. This summer, we're attending the same program together almost every day, so that didn't make it any easier. I would try to do my work at the program, but then I would just drift off in thoughts about him and get lost in it for a while until it kind of settled. I get those dumper thoughts that people on the internet always talk about, and I wonder about other stuff between us, too, such as whether or not I should just start a friendship with him because when I see him having fun with other people, I want to join in with them on their fun, too. We're not really on bad terms or anything, but it's not that we're on good ones, either.

 

Anyway, being so suffocated by my thoughts, I think I made the mistake of going up to him during the program and asking if I could talk to him. He's a very open and accepting person, so he was willing to listen right away. We ended up not talking because we were both busy, but I never got back to him, so we just sort of started writing to each other. I sent an e-mail expressing how I thought or how a part of me thought and felt saying how I want or wish to be friends, but after some thought, I thought that maybe I shouldn't have written and sent him that letter because it probably wasn't completely genuine or real, not saying I faked it out on purpose, but considering my dumper thoughts and feelings of still wanting to stay away, I wasn't sure. He wrote back, saying that it's cool with him if I want to, but that it might be a problem since he still has small feelings, so I replied with what meant an 'OK', and it felt sort of like a breather, too, because it was like, 'OK, my e-mail didn't change anything and we can just keep doing NC again, which is what should have kept going.' BUT...then he wrote back in an optimistic and genuine view saying that he does want to be my friend in return. I realized that he's such a genuine person. Well...I realized that long before.

 

I'm egotistical, manipulative, controlling, jealous, possessive, and I get feelings of superiority and inferiority, but I'm also a fair, righteous, and good person, too, which is why I think I've thought this over so much in my head. He's expecting a reply, and it's been two days now, so far, and I'm hoping that he doesn't feel rejected along with his optimism, but it seems like that's what I'm going to end up doing, but I don't know what to do because the optimistic side of me says that there COULD be a friendship, but another part of me sees that it's wrong and not good to be friends with him because whenever I'm with him, I feel like my life is hindering behind, and because he's an ex. I believe that we had strong feelings for each other, too, so that makes it even more wrong, along with how we both probably still care about each other, but I guess I thought some sort of friendship or cordial thing could work out since my feelings aren't as strong anymore and this sort of short time a apart has helped us out a lot about this whole thing/break up. I'm just...afraid that I'm not being genuine enough or at all, at least not to the point that he is which is completely kind, genuine, and caring, so I don't want to do anything that's fake or messed up, even though this has been going on and off a few times before, just that this was the longest that we've made it (almost a month), and even though, well, I've BEEN "a bit" messed up before already, and this is just another one of those two. If I pushed him away again...agh....

 

I don't know what to say to him, and I feel like pouring my thoughts and feelings out to him, but...ugh.... The respect between us, I think, has loosened up and it's sort of embarrassing to be with each other after everything, so that's why I'm iffy about it, too, the friendship. This has been on my mind a lot, and what I thought I should do was just tell him 'no' again because of my ingenuity and fear of being forgotten by him, but I also feel that things would just be happier or better if I just agree to be friends and just form a cordial relationship, but he still has 'small' feelings for me, and I...I'm just not completely genuine, I don't think, or what I probably mean to say was that I still kind of care for him, too, even though it's not massive feelings or...I don't know, but things just changed.

 

I really don't know what to do and how I should reply back. If anyone can help me, please do! (I even thought about ignoring that last e-mail that he sent to just leave it as was when I said, 'OK' to something like keeping NC up, but I know that's rude and kind of manipulative because it's like you're keeping them held on for your answer). I apologize - I've never had these dumper kinds of thoughts before until I finally became one. It's not that I want or like them, but they just come out. Help me out, please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >_

[MagickVixen]

It seems like he's really making an effort on wanting to be your friend. I would respond to his last email. I don't know why you guys broke up but it does sound like a good idea to be friends if you are both sure that you can do it. I'm kind of in the same boat. It is very confusing.