Cracking under the Pain

[MrEnigma]

Been almost 4 since BU and almost 2 months NC; dumpee. The pain, the thoughts, the dreams, and just everything is breaking me down. I finally got a job and I'm doing very well in my classes, yet it isn't enough to numb the pain. Its getting to the point that I feel I may do something stupid or just even ruin a chance; if there may even be one. I want to get back with her, I want her back. Right now she just hates me and it hurts me even more. She became my best friend, and now its like she's disgusted when she sees or hears of me.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not sad, angry or depressed. I'm just extremely hurt still and being stupid tying to find answers to questions that open a plethora of more unanswered questions.

[iwccguy31]

So tell us what happened and why you broke up? More details first, then my rantings later.

[learning2relax]

Unless you did something to cause her to "hate" you - I highly doubt that she actually hates you. It is the perception that those of us released from the relationship feels after it has ended. It is a symptom of rejection. Even when they act or speak in ways that further our perception, it is usually a reaction on their part vs. how they really feel. It isn't easy for either party - most of the time..... Stay the course of taking care of yourself. Sounds like you are on your way. Keep looking forward and do best not to look back. It just causes you to slow down your journey and you need to put some more distance behind where you are now and when the breakup happened to get past the feelings and emotions you shared. Hang in there.

[Sharie]

Im going threw the same thing my advice to you is read the posts you can get ideas and it will help you heal im at day 14 of nc because if you contact it will make it worse heal I felt the same way it will get better cry write do what you have to do to avoid calling it wil make things worse let it go for now I did wrong but not all the way wrong to make me feel bad about myself that was the first step in healing so I dont know the story hang in there.

[MrEnigma]

So tell us what happened and why you broke up? More details first, then my rantings later.

Well here's the link to my first thread, little more detailed

Short verison - Best friend's sister; 8 year crush, 2 year friendship, and 5 months together. Drops the bomb on me out of the blue around March. Says she wants a relationship without the title and physical interaction; wants to try again in 2 years. Caught off guard, and I emotionally black out. Get back together 2 days later, then she breaks up with me again the next morning. Saying she doesn't love me like she use too, its unfair to me, and she doesn't it. Following weeks we still talk, still seemed like a relationship for me but she was slowly pushing away more, had intercourse one last time, then a week later go to disneyland. I break down because It was our first date when i asked her out. She proceeds to bash my character, call me names, and says were done forever. I go through the 5 stages; denile, anger, depression, and bargaining. obviously I havent hit appceptance yet.

 

Follwing months, tried contacting her a few times to see if we can talk. She brushed me off and told her brother that she doesn't want to talk to me. He intervened on my behalf because he knows I'm hurting alot. Asked me not to talk to her for my sake, I try. She slowly begins to remove my existence from facebook, other sites, etc. I sent her a recommend text from here, saying I can't be friends with you anymore due to me needing to move on and I need space. If you would like to reconcile you know how to contact me. Then did an idiot move by following her 2 year unused twitter account. Thought it would do no harm, but twitter sent her a email saying my account followed her. She told her brother, he said dont worry about it. Sent last text around the end of may saying good luck on your finals. Then went NC.

 

Lastly on June 6th, been trying to avoid seeing her and going over here house. Her brother brings me over to hang out. She comes home from work. Sees me and attempts to kick me out of her house. Stating, You need to leave when I come home and not come over when I'm here. I lash out asking her whats her issue?!? brother intervenes again, tell her to * * * * off, and I didnt do anything. She storms off and since that day, I've been NC and havent see or talked to her since.

 

Sorry for the crappy short version but if you want more detail I shall provide. Your ranting shall begin

 

Unless you did something to cause her to "hate" you - I highly doubt that she actually hates you. It is the perception that those of us released from the relationship feels after it has ended. It is a symptom of rejection. Even when they act or speak in ways that further our perception, it is usually a reaction on their part vs. how they really feel. It isn't easy for either party - most of the time..... Stay the course of taking care of yourself. Sounds like you are on your way. Keep looking forward and do best not to look back. It just causes you to slow down your journey and you need to put some more distance behind where you are now and when the breakup happened to get past the feelings and emotions you shared. Hang in there.

 

Thats the funny thing I have not. She cannot even look me in the eye. She also implies to her co-workers over facebook that I stalk her. A friend of mine told me this, she removed me months ago. All the people who know her and I laughed, knowing I havent done anything. The ironic thing is, I've been hanging out with her brother nearly everyday. He's been trying to distract me and mend a friendship that was almost destroyed from her actions and my emotional actions. Past 2 months I was avoiding her house. I got the vibe that she hates me from those two things.

 

I'm giving 200% on trying to move forward, but its hard when you still care about this person and you dream of them every time you close your eyes. It sucks tremendously, but your right I do need some more distance.

And thanks for the reply and support. Its appreciated.

[learning2relax]

Those ex's that flee the relationship do and say the darndest things to justify their decision...... Having never been one to have done this myself, but having this experience with the last relationship I was in (not before that - not that I have many but I am 45 so I am not new to relationships and breakups) I have to think that it is a defense mechanism.

 

I have to believe that this behavior is the symptom of something on their end if not provoked by the opposing person. Be it fear, indecision, guilt, etc.. or all of the above. It kills me because somewhere in their brains, they have to know that they are not speaking truthfully and saying/doing things that are quite painful to the receiving party. Although I have observed that both parties tend to be much more self centered following a breakup. The "dumper" in that they are made a decision and defend it with resolve and the "dumpee" in that they tend to want nothing more than to "fix it" to put the relationship back together. So perhaps once they no longer have anything left to defend, they stop the irrational behaviors and perceptions. I am guessing that is most likely to happen when the other has moved on.

 

I don't get it either. That is all I could come up with and I just got tired of trying to figure it out and realized that it wasn't productive to spend time analyzing his behavior. I am sorry that this happened to you. I imagine that it really has to hurt when you have known her for so long and were actually friends for a number of years previous to becoming involved. You would think that you have enough information to go off of at that point when entering the relationship and trust had been well established. That is what causes me to think that they theory that I have concluded as a level of accuracy to it - after all those years, to act in such a way and say things about you that are not valid - something else is the catalyst for the behavior and she is struggling big time.

 

Quite honestly, and I know you miss her and you are feeling the loss, but if this is the way that she reacts and treats you when something goes wrong - she may be doing you a huge favor. You deserve better - don't you think? I can't imagine that you would want to risk going through that kind of torture ever again and there are never any guarantees. Perhaps meeting your friend away from his house is best for the time being. No need to expose yourself to that.

 

Keep moving forward......remember the process to heal is not linear and you bounce back and forth between the phases (stinks doesn't it?) so just have patience and do what you can to take the best care of yourself possible.

[MrEnigma]

She must of gave every excuse in the book. First it was its not you its me, then you weren't being you, I don't love you like I use too, I got bored of you, you dull my imagination, I want to be free not chained down, etc. She said crap like that. Then it was back it worth to that I want you to no I don't. It was a true roller coaster. She had no idea what she wanted. It could be a defense mechanism or she was just confused or being influenced by outside parties.

 

As being self centered about the break up, Yeah I wanted to fix it. She kind of did too but she continued with her choice and like I said continued with excuses.

 

See thats another question, if she's still struggling big time. What is it?

 

I don't know what it is. Maybe its my sub-conscious giving me a false hope and reality. Her actions post BU, are not like her. Probably is a false reality on my part and I just can't comprehend it. Just combating all this feelings and thoughts. I don't know, everyone believes I deserve better or I can do better.

 

So far her brother and I have been hanging out away from his house for 2 months. I've came over a few times but she's either not home at work or sleeping. It's only been once or twice though. I let him know clearly too, I'm trying to avoid coming over because I don't want to torture myself whenever I see her or hear her. I think get the butterflies, darting eyes, and sweaty palms when I see her. Then after that its just pain.

 

The bouncing back and forth kills me. A get a decent up and it just zooms by. Then the down is painfully slow. Its like one good day and a whole two weeks of pain. Does suck, way too much.