Reliving the pain... necessary or not?

[holymoseph]

I've been reading a BU book. One of the exercises to healing is to write about the relationship. Including listing the good things about the ex and then of course, rehashing the bad and getting those feelings out. But lately I've done pretty well keeping him (the ex) off my mind. Even just the thought of rehashing the past w/ him on paper had me up thinking about him half the night. It was really annoying and I felt a little resentful at the exercise for bringing back stuck thinking about him.

I'm obviously coping by avoidance which I know isn't always healthy and I'd like to actually work through the pain from my ex so I can deal better in future relationships. Is it ok for me to want to avoid thinking about him for now? How soon should I be revisiting those feelings? And why do you have to "thank them" in order to let go? I don't feel thankful at this point. It'd feel forced. I'm stumped in this healing process. Other healing techniques or advice would be much appriciated.

[BabyO]

I am in the same boat. I rather just not think about him or the past relationship. I did for about a month and a half, and cried every freaking day. But, now it is two months and I just rather move on with my life. Why should we have to rehash the past over and over just to heal. I feel moving on is healing in itself. I have no desire to write down the good or bad. He left me that is all I know. He chose the coward way out instead of fighting for our love. For me that is unforgiveable and I could never want or have any true feeling again for someone like that. He lost me, and I have moved on and met a wondferful man. So, who loss is it now. Don't feel bad not rehasing the past, tomorrow is a better day so go forward with you head held high.

[YellowMellow]

I get what you mean. I do find the books that I'm reading to be helpful, but I'm scared to do any of the exercises because I don't want to open up any cans of worms that I've managed to close. I mean, thinking about the good times, thanking them for what I've learnt from the relationship, is just not something I can do right now. But I think they suggest that you do them in order to be able to realize you didn't waste your time and so you don't hate your ex.

 

It's a long process, but I think it is best to do the exercises when it's the right time for you. I do find that when I am ready to journal about how I'm feeling that I do feel better afterwards.

 

Have you read "Getting past your break up."? I found it a very good book, even though I'm not ready to do some of the exercises yet, the advice in there is helpful.

[catfeeder]

I don't believe that there's a 'wrong' way to get over a breakup. If you're functioning and in no danger of losing your job because you're fetal, then you're ahead of the game. I don't think we need to learn everything useful to be culled from a breakup in a set amount of time. Every now and then I'll draw a new lesson from an early relationship that I haven't even thought of for years. So it's not as though we must reach a specific saturation point before we're suddenly wise and liberated--I think it's just as valid to let go in 'pieces' over time.

 

There's no certain number of pretzels necessary to perform before you're permitted to move forward--you're the one giving yourself the permission.

[holymoseph]

BabyO: Yea, I think the fact that he left (we've obviously both been left) has a pretty big impact within itself. Why do I have to dwell on it when it was so easy for him to up and walk away and never talk to me again? I already am resentful that he had me wrapped up in believing every empty promise he made. I gave to much in the relationship. I always do. Why give any more of myself when were brokenup? Just don't want to do it. Good for you for meeting someone new. Hope he is wonderful to you!

 

YellowMellow: That is actually the book I'm referencing. I thought it to be useful too until I got to the exercises. The constant affirmations can be a little unrealistic. And I don't know if I want to journal as she's suggested. Seems draining and time consuming all this healing. I think I will do them lil at a time. Maybe starting with the negative things about the ex might be a little easier to do. ha

 

Cat: Letting go in pieces... I think that's the only way you can let go. And I like that you say I'm the one giving myself permission, makes me feel better about choosing to do the exercise or NOT to do them. Which obviously I don't want to at this point. I think though there are certain ways that are not necessarily healthy. I've had friends who become very permiscuous after a BU which is only a distraction. I had one friend in particular who never talked about her ex until she'd get drunk, then it was one dramatic scene. And this went on for several months. I blamed it on the fact that she never delt with her emotions. I don't want to be that girl. I want to REALLY get over it.

[Danny77]

I think it's mostly for prople who have trouble not thinking about the ex and putting them on a pedalstal....

[Unwanted]

It's definitely ok to avoid thinking about him now. Just go at your own pace and you'll be ready when you're ready.

 

Personally, the more I look at my list of all the bad/good things about the ex, the more I feel better about myself lol.

 

Sometimes, I have my moments where I have a little freak out and go "Oh nooooo I miss him! He was perfect!". And it lasts for about 5 mins. Then I try to snap out of it and look at my list of bad/good things about the ex and ultimately grasp reality again.

 

So I suppose 'revisiting' is a good technique this way. You don't have to sulk around all day 'revisiting', because that gets depressing and you start feeling sorry for yourself again, and have thoughts of the earth swallowing you etc....

 

As for other healing techniques, nothing new that everyone has already suggested in other threads and above.

 

Only thing I would probably emphasise is taking care of ourselves physically even in the littlelest things.

 

For example, just going out getting a spa manicure/pedicure, going to the gym (I need to do this more), allowing yourself that 1 choc chip cookie (or 12 for me), just doing something for yourself (ourselves).

 

I know they seem pretty small, petty and superficial, but I like to think that even the littlelest things can help boost my self-esteem, even if it lasts for only a moment.

 

 

[Unwanted]

Excellent attitude! I like!! =)

[learning2relax]

There's no certain number of pretzels necessary to perform before you're permitted to move forward--you're the one giving yourself the permission.

 

CF - I always enjoy reading your posts and the statement above made me laugh - thank you.

 

In my own journey this time (which has been the worst time I can ever remember I have had coping with a relationship ending) I have read a TON and there is a lot of good things to think of and suggestions or exercises related in these texts. I came to the realization that I was reading everything I could get my hands on to try and speed up the grieving process as I just wanted it all behind me completely as fast as possible. Yeah, well....doesn't work that way. It all happens as it should and when it should - or so in my case anyways.

 

For what it is worth and if is of any help to anyone else......I also do anything not to think of him or moments in the relationship that cause me to get sad, sulk or become completely unmotivated. I stop the thoughts the minute I catch myself. What has helped me tremendously, is if I have a day that no matter how hard I try, I can't shake the thoughts or find myself having them, stopping them and then having them again a little later (rinse and repeat all day long), I pull out my journal and write an entry with every thought, feeling, etc until I have nothing to write. It has helped me be able to stop the thoughts. It is as if it is something that I have to get out in one way or another so making the journal entry helps to effectuate that. The interesting thing that I have started to notice is that the number of days between journal entries is growing. That alone evidences to me that I am making progress and contributes to my feeling better about all of it.

[Carus]

"Nothing is ever really lost to the mind" ~ Freud

 

Hi Guys*

 

Resident psyche student here.. lol

 

Systematic Desensitization ~ Let's say a woman comes to counselling because she is afraid of cats. So firstly we get her used to saying the word cat. Then we get her to draw a picture of a cat and look at pictures of cats. Then we play cat sounds...etc...and finally she will be able to sit a cat on her lap and pat it. Obviously this doesn't happen all in the first session*

 

Another example is me. I used to really be affected by spiders...But just yesterday I watched a spider trying to stay dry in the shower with me. He was only there for one day..heh...This took most of my life to achieve....

 

So there is validity in the OP's theory...but as with the cat analogy above, this doesn't all happen at once. It will happen as it happens....

 

Also, lets see you NOT think about your ex after a breakup heh

 

I deleted everything and boxed away the rest, so its outta sight and outta mind for me, but I still think and dream about her quite often. However, once the denial stage starts wearing off, you can start working on acceptance on your way to indifference and finally, happiness....I am at indifference*

 

So be patient, stay strong and you will get there in your own way*

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

 

EDIT: Big shout out to Catfeeder* from me too...You've been such an inspiring part of my journey. Thankyou*

[catfeeder]

[…] Cat: Letting go in pieces... I think that's the only way you can let go. And I like that you say I'm the one giving myself permission, makes me feel better about choosing to do the exercise or NOT to do them. Which obviously I don't want to at this point.

 

Plenty of people heal just fine without exercises. This doesn't mean they're not useful, just that they're not mandatory--and reading a book doesn't obligate you to use them. My guess is, they're best used by people who are obsessive with their thoughts about an ex anyway. Channeling otherwise present thinking into the exercises could be constructive.

 

But if you're able to focus on other things, then why not simply do that? If you end up having dreams about ex, then trust that your mind is doing some valuable background processing FOR you, and if you want to aid that by making some favorable suggestions to yourself before you sleep, then you can incorporate those into the dreams and allow them to run their course.

 

Otherwise, if your sleep is not disturbed and you're able to socialize, eat well, work well and all of that, then good. The only caution is to not view any spontaneous grief that comes upon you as a 'setback'. Grab a box of tissues and go with it, and trust that grief can be a detox, and when stuff is ready to come UP in order to go OUT, it makes no sense to try to squelch that or beat yourself up for it.

 

While working this stuff on your own terms is natural, that doesn't mean that it's healthy to turn into a control freak who tries to do it perfectly. Making a mess now and then, no matter how lousy that feels, is to be expected. Just lean into it.

 

I think though there are certain ways that are not necessarily healthy. I've had friends who become very permiscuous after a BU which is only a distraction. I had one friend in particular who never talked about her ex until she'd get drunk, then it was one dramatic scene. And this went on for several months. I blamed it on the fact that she never delt with her emotions. I don't want to be that girl. I want to REALLY get over it.

 

I understand. Good observation--that's not 'over' it. In fact, that sounds like a pile on, where a breakup triggers all the stuff she's never gotten over. But that's my point--since you're already committed to doing the work, you're capable of managing it, so you're not in danger of doing it 'wrong'. You're already clear that you WILL not come out sideways like that--your deliberate consideration precludes it, and even the resistance to the exercises demo's self control and careful decision making.