Did I do the right thing?

[catarina]

I had been dating a wonderful man for several months. Everything was wonderful. Wonderful. We have a lot in common and did a lot of things we liked together. At one point he said that everything in the world felt right and balanced when we were together. We were just.... happy. We texted and talked often and saw each other an appropriate amount. A couple times a week at least. He was always excited to see me and we really enjoyed our time together.

 

Last Wednesday he just... disappeared. He stopped texting and calling, stopped returning my texts. We had plans last Friday, I was in my way over and he texted and said he didn't want to do anything and he'd see me Sunday. I went out with my friends and gave him the space it seemed like he wanted. Sunday came and he clearly didn't want to get together. He hemmed and hawed but wouldn't tell me directly until I asked him.

 

I was supposed to go out of town on Monday for the week but I wasn't able to because my mom was in an accident. He didn't come to the hospital or offer any other support but he did text a couple times. On Wednesday he emailed me and said he missed me. He said he wanted to see me on Saturday (today) and asked me to call him when I wanted to get together. I said "no, why don't you tell me when YOU want to get together." So, he emailed back and asked me to meet him at the park for a walk at 2:00 pm. I thought we'd have a chance to talk and maybe clear some things up. So.... I get a text at 1:30 PM that said he wasn't feeling well and to enjoy my walk in the park!!!! I couldn't believe it.

 

I called him. I won't go through all the details but he basically said that he really, really likes me and that he wanted to continue to do things with me and go out on dates but that he was afraid of commitment. I said 1) that I didn't appreciate himblowing me off and being inconsiderate with my time, 2) I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with me, and 3) If he had said this four months ago, maybe I could understand but we were too far in now and I didn't think I could go back. I said we didn't want the same things, clearly, and that I would be by his house to get my kayak (it was there) and that would be that.

 

I guess I could have said OK, that I would wait to see if he could figure out his commitment issue, because I really, really like him and I was really happy. BUt I figured (and said to him) that all I felt right now was the heaviness of him not wanting to see me, and that I didn't want to be left waiting for him to decide he wanted to see me.

 

I'm not sure I wasn't too hard on him. I'm really mad about the blowing me off THREE TIMES thing and I told him so. I guess I could have tried to see if something would have worked out, and I didn't have to say no, but being in limbo has really been hard for me, and I've begun feeling resentment toward him. At the same time, I'm sad to lose him from my life. Really sad.

 

I'm confused about how all this happened, and so quickly. Did I do the right thing by standing up for myself and not taking less than what I want, or would it have been been better to give him a chance at a lesser relationship?

[thejigsup]

If you want to be with him more than doing what is right for you, than you did the wrong thing. If you want what is best for you more than having him, you did the right thing. Only you know the answer to this one.

[wilyone 11]

I think you absolutely did the right thing. If you just tolerated that treatment and promised to wait around until he figured out his commitment issues, he wouldn't respect you in my opinion. Nor would you respect yourself.

 

He will likely be back in earnest, but could take 3-4 months depending on how big his commitment fears are. If what you had was really that wonderful, eventually the pain of losing you will outweigh his fear of commitment. Don't let him try to downgrade what you had together. My advice is to give him tons and tons of space and start dating other men.

 

Sorry this happened to you but men pull this kind of stuff all the time, so don't feel like you're alone. The better the relationship and the connection, the more likely they are to get scared, start treating you badly and go "poof".

[catarina]

Do you really think that's true? THat's comforting. There's something in my gut that says it's not 100% over, but that by the time he comes back I may be moved on. He did say that one of the reasons he was afraid was that it felt like things were going "too well" which sounded like total BS to me but now you've said it too. Makes no sense. I guess some people aren't ready to be happy.

[Stay_home]

He's colder than ice; it was dfficult reading the part about how your mother was in the hospital and he didn't call, come through for support or anything. Selfish being. You absolutely did the right thing by cutting ties with him - I've never been more sure if anything in my life. Leave him where you found him and move on. Don't go back to him.

[wilyone 11]

It definitely makes no sense to us. A commitment-phobe's behavior is maddening and can cause a lot of pain and grief. I'm in love with one myself. I found a couple of books that helped me to understand his crazy actions and to stop thinking it was something I did. They are "The Commitment Cure" by Rhonda Findling and "Men Who Can't Love" by Steven Carter. I bought used copies on Amazon for $.01 plus $3.99 shipping. Good luck.

[wilyone 11]

He's colder than ice; it was dfficult reading the part about how your mother was in the hospital and he didn't call, come through for support or anything. Selfish being. You absolutely did the right thing by cutting ties with him - I've never been more sure if anything in my life. Leave him where you found him and move on. Don't go back to him.

 

Yeah, but they'd only been dating a few months, and a commitment-phobe who is in the grip of fear won't come through in situations like this. He did text a couple of times.

[catfeeder]

I'm sorry about your Mom, and I hope she's okay. You did the right thing. This might sound jaded, but it's not, it's practical. Once you demo to someone--anyone, even just a friend--that you're so lacking in self respect that you'd put up with even the most deliberate of mistreatment just to hold on to a relationship, you're sunk. Nobody can respect that. We can't even respect it in ourselves. So the only thing to come from a failure to walk away from a situation like this is a dismal sense that the end is always near and one degrading attempt after another to pretzel yourself to continually accept the unacceptable plays the thing out until stupid fights over nothing finally kill it off.

 

Who needs that?

 

If this guy is worth his salt he'll be on here posting about how he blew it and how it's made him want to get help and turn himself around. Or better yet, he'll just step up and get some help on his own. If he's not worth his salt, he'll meh his way to the next girl and do the same thing to her. None of that is your problem. If this guy is ever willing to step up and become relationship material, no doubt you'll be the first person he'll want to know it--and he knows how to reach you.

 

Head high.

[chitown9]

 

I'm confused about how all this happened, and so quickly. Did I do the right thing by standing up for myself and not taking less than what I want, or would it have been been better to give him a chance at a lesser relationship?

 

To get unconfused get and read this book called, "Men Who Can't Love" writen by Steven Carter. Welcome to the wonderful world of commitment phobia! With commitment phobes it ends sooner or later. For you it ended sooner, for me it ended later....but it always ends. His pattern of behavior fits the profile to a T.

surpisingly this man recognizes that he has the condition and even told you. Well....just read the book. The good thing is that you will not get involved with commitment phobe in the future......chi

[catarina]

Thank you so much. I am really mad and sad right now, crying and can't sleep, so I got out of bed to see if there were any responses and here you are. This all makes sense. I know it's not my fault and i don't feel rejected or self-loathing, just blindsided and sad and mad. THat will pass in time. And there are other men out there. At the very least I did say to him that I thought his behavior was total BS and that I was NOT putting up with it. Go me. For what it's worth, this is a huge step forward in my life. A year ago I may have just said OK. Next step is to do it without the tears?

 

And thanks for the concern. My mom will be OK, she has a couple broken bones and a concussion and needs some extra care right now of course. But honestly it's a miracle compared to what could have happened, and what I thought happened in the moment-- I saw it and made the 911 call.

[catfeeder]

Nope, no next step necessary to do it without the tears. The tears are natural. Losing those is a sign of turning into someone who can't feel joy to any real degree, either.

 

You're right--go you! ...and head high. And thanks for letting us know about your Mom. That's a shocking experience for all of you, and some of the tears you're tapping right now can help your health in a big way as the shock wears down. Go cry with Mom and let her know how much you love her. ((Big hug))

[chitown9]

Yeah, go you! He is so not worth it.

[catarina]

Ugh. ANother day. I am really sad and missing him today. I know in the long term this is a time to be myself and the awesome person that I am, and stay true to all the things and people that are important to me. But in the short term, I'm on the couch with my dog feeling sad and wanting to contact him. How do I begin to put this behind me? I have obviously had breakups before but something about this feels different, knowing I was the one to totally cut things off, and knowing how much I really do care about him. WHat to do?

[catfeeder]

Ugh. ANother day. I am really sad and missing him today. I know in the long term this is a time to be myself and the awesome person that I am, and stay true to all the things and people that are important to me. But in the short term, I'm on the couch with my dog feeling sad and wanting to contact him. How do I begin to put this behind me? I have obviously had breakups before but something about this feels different, knowing I was the one to totally cut things off, and knowing how much I really do care about him. WHat to do?

 

Consider the severity of going through your Mom's accident without one speck of willingness from the guy to show up for you. That's not BF material.

 

Consider what it felt like to get blown off time after time. Is that good enough for you?

 

I understand that this hurts, but what you're grieving is the loss of your illusions about this guy. The reason some people will go through any amount of mistreatment to avoid 'dis-illusionment' is because the target of their love IS their own illusions. Of course it's painful to lose those, but don't keep rebuilding the kind of fantasies about him that you'll only need to keep weaning yourself off of.

 

Stick with the facts, maam, and take pride in the fact that you were able to see those and respond to them so clearly. Use that power to push yourself forward when you're ready. Meanwhile, eat ice cream, hug your dog, watch chick flicks--but do NOT re-create romantic delusions about this guy. He's toast for very good reasons.

[wilyone 11]

Ugh. ANother day. I am really sad and missing him today. I know in the long term this is a time to be myself and the awesome person that I am, and stay true to all the things and people that are important to me. But in the short term, I'm on the couch with my dog feeling sad and wanting to contact him. How do I begin to put this behind me? I have obviously had breakups before but something about this feels different, knowing I was the one to totally cut things off, and knowing how much I really do care about him. WHat to do?

 

Totally feel your pain. You're missing how he was in the beginning, those first romantic few months, until he felt secure and then he felt suffocated. Do not contact him for any reason. It will make you look weak and won't increase his attraction for you. You acted totally appropriately after the behavior he'd been displaying. I know how it feels to be in love with one of these guys because they can be so charming and seductive, and the sex is great, but he will hurt you over and over again if you try to have a long-term relationship with him. If you want him back (which I don't advise), you have to get busy with your own life, let him miss you and wait for him to sort his feelings out and return. It was receiving your love and bonding with you that scared the crap out of him, so don't give him any love right now.

[catfeeder]

If you're interested in learning about 'the dance away lover' consider searching the term 'dance' on the inside page view of the hardcover version of this book by Dr. Joy Browne:

 

link removed

 

I've heard her speak of this brand of commitmentphobe over the years on the radio, and they're pretty much a losing proposition. That's why I suggest avoiding fantasies about him or setting up great expectations for his return. Dance-away's DO return, often. They just keep breaking your heart over and over again. They're only interested in you when they can't have you--especially when you try to move on to someone else.

 

This isn't a simple psyche pattern that can be 'fixed' with a few counseling sessions--it's deep stuff. Investing in someone like this is like playing a daily roulette game.

 

I don't tend to pin behavioral labels on these boards, but when someone does a deliberate ditch in the manner this guy did, especially ducking out on GF while she suffers a parent's accident, there's a reason for that--and it ain't you.

[catarina]

Wow, I can't thank you guys enough.

 

These posts about loving the illusion and grieving that loss, and about the qualities I want (or DON'T) in a boyfriend/partner as well as the one fro yesterday about pretzeling (love that image btw) have been more helpful thank you know.

 

I did NOT contact him. I want to less than yesterday. I went to church and to see Harry Potter (not a chick flick, but...) and played with my dog. Talked to friends. I also have plans all week.

 

I just really want to say thanks. I think I'm really ready and able to have a strong and healthy relationship. I thought he was ready but he's not. Thanks for reminding me of that and helping me stay strong.