jaynie Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 We were together for 10 years, never married nor engaged. It never got to that point.. we talked about it, agreed that's where we were headed and this year was the year we were going to move forward with those plans. It never happened. He's transgender, just found out, and decided he wanted to handle his new found feelings with a clean slate. Meaning, no more relationship regardless of the fact that he (she) doesn't know where things are headed - if it's just cross dressing, surgery, etc. So... we broke up, not by my choice and not without him saying he didn't want to leave, that he still loves me, and other things to show that he's probably more scared about how I'll see him than actually staying together. I'm having a really hard time dealing with this. We have always been very dear friends even before dating (I've known him for my entire adolescence and I'm close to 30 now) and I just don't know what to do with myself now that the relationship is over and the friendship is.. well, we want to be friends but I don't know how. I don't know how to talk to him normally without screwing it up. I'm not comfortable with him telling me to go date, I unintentionally make him think I'm trying to fix things for us when I don't even know if I want to. Things just slip out...I reminisce and get sad thinking about how things turned out after all we've overcome. If he came running back, I'd take him back, admittedly (how pathetic). But.. with how things have happened, the logical part of me feels like I am better off without him, like I deserve a nice guy who won't toss me away so easily after ten years because things became difficult. I'm a mess...and my heart knows we truly were in love and had this never happened we would have had those dreams we set out together. My head believes this too but I just don't know what to think or feel. I have one friend who constantly tells me he'll realize he made a mistake. I try to ignore that because I can't and won't hold onto that hope but a small piece of me wishes it could be true, someday anyway. This is my first major breakup...and I don't know how to get over it.. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 I'm assuming that you're female, by your screen name. Is it possible that he wants to make the change to female and possibly date men? Or is that not part of it? No matter what the answer, he wants to go and you have to let him go. I know you truly believe that if it's love, it can't be over, but perhaps he just doesn't feel the same way anymore. And I don't think he's tossing you away casually... it probably hurts him very much to make this decision. Link to comment
jaynie Posted July 16, 2011 Author Share Posted July 16, 2011 Yes, I'm female. He might want to make the change to female (and I really don't know if his preference would change or not since he doesn't know) but doesn't yet know for certain. I know he wants to go and I'm trying to respect that. Some of the things he's said just stays though. While we were breaking up he said he didn't actually want to break up, but he's understandably confused about things. He also said alot of things in anger like whether I would accept him if he transitioned and fears that I wouldn't be attracted to him and other things like that. It was never brought up before, and I think he just automatically assumed those things would be a no-go for me without ever talking about it. We're over, I know, but it was never really a matter of love it seems like..Considering how coldly he went about it, I find it hard to believe it hurts him just as much. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Sometimes the only way some people can get through a difficult breakup is with overkill. That's where the coldness comes from--it's like ducking and plowing over someone really fast to get past them, then dealing with the fallout later. He's got way too much fallout plus a million complications piled on top, so he's not likely to be able to deal with you in a sane way for a long time. You can torture yourself by personalizing that, or you can trust that with time and distance he'll sort things out and recognize that treating you badly in order to step away from you was a mistake. Head high, and my heart goes out to you. Link to comment
jaynie Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 Thanks...it really does feel like overkill. I asked him about the attitude because it really does feel like he's backing a truck up over me when it isn't needed. Claims he wants to be friends, doesn't want me to hate him or anything, and for one day he spoke to me like a person he wanted to share his life with at one point. Back to treating me like trash, though. I'll give it one thing...as hurt as I may be (dumped in one of the worst ways possible and then treated like this too), it's certainly a wake up call that maybe I'm better off after all. He can have his distance, I don't right care anymore (I know I will in the morning, unfortunately). Next time I miss him I'll remind myself of this anyway. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Why not just cut the contact for a while? He can't mistreat you if you quit sticking your neck out for it, and he can't miss you unless you let him go do--and go stew. He won't get the perspective you hope he'll get unless you stay away from him. Link to comment
jaynie Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 I'm having a hard time doing that I guess. He's a childhood friend so there's a big hole in my life now that I wish wasn't there. I mostly don't contact him myself. I decided that I wouldn't initiate things...I just don't have the will to block/cut him out entirely. So I talk when he initiates the conversation. Right now he has no one else in his life and it plays on my sympathetic side, bad, I know, since I don't receive half as much kindness. I know you're right though..just hard to cut contact and I hate to see anyone alone with such pain. I'm a dummy I know.... Link to comment
Wilsonx Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 Jaynie, why not go out and make new friends. If you work, ask a female coworker out to lunch. If you are a student, talk to another student you see around a lot. Thats one of the biggest problems with a lot of new relationships and people that have not gone through this before, when it ends you are left with this huge hole and no one to fill it. Thats one of the easiest things I could suggest you do. Going NC is not easy, it took me 3 freaking weeks to lock it down. But once its down, and you start separating emotionally, you start seeing wow, what was I doing with this person. Go out and get busy, go to a library or bookstore, read some books, meet people there, try link removed Link to comment
jaynie Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 Thanks Wilson, I've been spending more time with friends now. I've looked into meetup and have met a couple elsewhere but right now I feel too obligated to be 'cheerful'. I'm miserable, and not yet ready to pretend to be happy when out and about. This time I have told a close few everything that has gone on so its not just me wrestling with everything and I can get input from others, as well as getting out there and doing things again....going out with friends has helped a lot with it since they know what I'm going through, and it's a good distraction.. Thanks for the input. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.