Mental Abuser is I..

[Trajedi]

I have come to the conclusion that I am a emotional abuser.. My father was too but he was psychically too .. I've had an on and off again relationship for 2 yrs that started off as my best friend for 15 yrs.. Would say things to scare her and other times just get angry.. Most of it was alcohol induced..

 

Now I been going to counseling the anger isn't an issue.. But I still get a little jealious if she wants to talk to another guy (we are on a break no an ind-infinite break).. Yesterday I was in a lil mess so i called her cause she is my muse.. Well, that was a bad idea she thought that someone was going to die or maybe me getting hurt.. She didn't want to wake up not knowing that I wouldn't be here anymore or dead..

 

We talked on the phone earlier today after we both have calmed down.. We agreed with that she missed me and want's me to change.. The relationship is in jeopardy at this time..

 

Tell's me time will help.. But emotional abuse is calling someone that you love to try and calm down if you are stressed out in a bad situation.?

 

I do know this girl loves me so much but she is still in my life even if only emails.. She did tell me 'You really hurt me. I really want you to get help and be completely honest with yourself and your counselor. We have a great friendship but that has been strained right now. Time will help. You caused this. Now you have to work on fixing this.' What is the best way to fix my abuse.?

 

We love each other and mean so much but I want to stop the pattern and have her back at least a friend..

[NightLily]

Use your counselor or other friends/family for support if you really need it. Now is not the time to be leaning on her.

 

The best way is to continue working on yourself and give her space for now.

[Trajedi]

Thank you.. Really hurts me to hurt her (she told me she cried and a family friend said she called her mother btw she is 32), thought asking for advice here would be best..

 

So should I text her in a few days and hope she is okay.? She is my best friend (not at the moment)

[yacky]

I do not believe that would be considered emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is someone that hurts your feelings just to make you sad. It is a horrible thing to do to people. Are you a verbal abuser? That would be someone who in anger cannot articulate their thoughts properly and instead blames and name calls the person they are closest too.

 

I could not tell exactly what your problem is but it may just be a simple case of poor communication skills. What did you do to really hurt her? What did you do to make it up to her? An apology cannot be an emplty, it must follow with an agreement for future behavior (that you stick to) or a menze of some kind, for example, if you stole money - you would appologize and return the amount you stole (that would be the menze)- To appologize, "Sorry I stole $500.00 from you, do you forgive me?" is an example of an emply appology. F-that we want our money back

[Trajedi]

I do apologize and tell her sorry that I shouldn't have even been in the situation I was in.. It's something that could have caused death to me or someone else.. Really can't go into detail about this.. But it's something I wouldn't do naturally.. But a thug would do... So I called her told her I didn't want to do it.. Boy, that was a bad decision it hurt her to hear i even thought about it..

 

When we dated the first time it was very abusive from me (even now she'll know i won't cause he psychical harm), don't think i ever put her down but said some negative things and got aggressive at times..

 

Saying that'll look into meds and be honest with my counselor about what is going on.. We were on a break cause emotions were raw over a guy she dated on a different break.. It's possible if harm comes to me she will hurt or this girl just loves me so eff'n much.. 'Right now my emotions are raw. You hurt me and I can't see past that right now. In time, I would like to say that you are my best friend. I never thought that you would hurt me like this.' and told me and 'You were hurting yesterday and wanted others to hurt with you. I can't speak for the future as you really put me through a lot. Time will help. Right now distance and time help. You can't force this.'

 

guess it's like terrorizing

[yacky]

Sorry, I forgot to hit spell check.

[yacky]

Sounds like Nightlily is right. Your Girl needs space and you need to stop antagonizing the issue with your attitude problem.

Keep reading on the subject and seeking guidance. When you call her be nice, loving, supportive, understanding, and then send her flowers made of chocolate .

[Trajedi]

Ha, would love to call her but at this time I can't.. Not on talking terms at this time.. Think it might be over..

 

Nightlily gave the best advice, The best way is to continue working on yourself and give her space for now...

[yacky]

Very true- Give her space and work on you.

[catfeeder]

This girl has some healthy boundaries and she's not going to play. If you position yourself in deep doo-doo, don't try to involve her again. She won't go there, and she'll be furious with you.

 

The question becomes, what are you doing? This isn't about your relationship with her, it's about why you'd go to the edge like that in the first place. If that's what you opt to continue to do, that's a deliberate decision to drop relationships with people who don't deserve to be exposed to that.

 

I'd think carefully and straighten your own life out before attempting to deal with this woman again. Skip trying to put a temporary band aid on it--she won't buy that.

[Trajedi]

catfeeder, you are absolutely right.. She was the one that helped me in many ways.. And was #1 for me, but treating her like this made her cry...

 

We mean alot to each other but right now she needs time and distance (space), don't want to lose her over my doo-doo.. My question is how do I communicate with her and actually tell her i'm getting the help.. And what is a good amount of time to wait and maybe text msg her 'hope you're doing okay'..

 

The confusion is why is she still hanging around after all of this crap i put her through.? I don't know any woman (and this is a strongly independent woman) that sticks around this long.. Could she really love me that much.? She is really pissed right now and very hurt.. say's emotions are raw and can't force this..

 

a friend of mine told me 'the way shes looking at the situation is that she doesnt mean enough to you for you to make yourself better.. so shes blaming herself'

[catfeeder]

[...] My question is how do I communicate with her and actually tell her i'm getting the help.. [...]

 

You don't. You already told her you intended to get help, and talk is cheap--so just do it. She's not interested in feigned character for her benefit, she'll sniff that in second. She's interested in real character, and the only way to build that is when nobody's looking. She's sensitized now and won't tolerate being manipulated into becoming your audience. If you want to straighten up and fly right, do that on your own. You'll be able to walk your talk after you've earned it.

[NightLily]

I think if you tell her again you are going to get help it will only make her more upset. It is like: "don't TELL me! DO it!"

 

Once we get older and have been there/done that the more promises a person makes, sometimes the more it seems like they are just going to talk their way out, get comfortable, and then never change. Don't let her think that you want to get comfortable in this situation.

 

As this point I don't think your focus should even be what you have to do so that you can eventually get her back. Just focus on yourself. If she is still willing when you get to a healthier place to give you another chance, great. If she isn't though, the change was still needed. You will never be able to have a healthy relationship as long as you hold onto abusive tendencies. So this needs to happen. Just be happy that she cares enough about you to open your eyes that you need to change.