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Where to go from here..

AC Slater

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It's been 4 months since breakup, NC the whole time except for a few text messages and a short facebook conversation early on. We're in the same immediate friend group so it's been very hard to keep distance especially since we're young and i'm still really good friends with her best friend and her friends, but i've given her all the space in the world and then some. I've literally initiated nothing except for one facebook convo asking how she was about 2 months ago. On every occasion we've seen eachother i've been 100% myself, happy and upbeat as always. I've done a good job of making it look like i'm over it, possibly too good of a job haha.


Tonight while me and my friend were out we saw her and her friends, we said brief hello's and everything and then they left. If me and the ex were still together we would've most definitely all been hanging out together. About 10 minutes after leaving my friend gets a message from one of the girls saying "hey we're watching movies at my place, you guys can come if you want x" About 2 hours later we ended up there. It was relaxed and felt completely normal, wasn't awkward between me and her even though we weren't directly talking to eachother or anything. We all just had a laugh and it was like old times. Everyone was sleeping over but me and my friend decided to leave, she told me as we were leaving she still had some of my stuff and asked if i wanted it back.


I honestly don't know where to go from here. I've got such mixed feelings. Should i just carry on with casual contact, nothing initiated by me and see what happens? She's very shy and isn't the type to put herself out there, so maybe she doesn't want to reach out because i've made it look like i'm completely over it, (i've honestly made it look like i'm truly over it, i can't exaggerate this enough) however on the other hand i feel like maybe she's just relieved we can be friends and comfortable around eachother again. I honestly hate this situation, it's like we've gone from being best friends/lovers knowing eachother inside out to, 4 months later, pretty much nothing more than acquaintances, not even good friends or anything. It makes it hard for me to know what the * * * * i'm supposed to do, i don't know whether to try and be close with her as friends or to just leave us how we are, on good speaking terms, not seeing eachother often but being casual when we do, and nothing more. It's a difficult situation because we're all friends and see eachother all the time, it's not some relationship where we can both shut eachother out completely and never have to hear from one another again. I've handled it as well as i think i can, have tried not to make it awkward whatsoever, but i keep thinking that if i show too much interest in her i'll be friendzoned, so i'm casual but nonchalant/ sort of distant towards her. I'm at the point of not knowing what to do, it's been 4 months and i don't really have much of a choice - i have to be friends with her otherwise she'll think i'm still hung up on the relationship, but if i'm too friendly i'll end up friendzoned.


Anyone have any advice/thoughts? I honestly have no idea what to do

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i should add that i've got absolutely ZERO idea about how she feels about me. We've had no substantial contact since the breakup. She hasn't shown any signs of any emotion towards me, except giving me shy/long looks each time we see eachother. That's literally all i've had to go off and i'm aware they're insignificant.

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Yes I have some advice.


You need to act how you feel inside. If this upsets the whole "group" situation, that's too bad. Your trying to keep the group together like when it was when you two were dating. It's not that situation anymore, and things have changed. Nothing stays the same forever, and clearly this situation is going to blow up in your face, because your suppressing what you feel inside to keep the group happy.


If you want to get back with her, then ask her if you guys can talk. If she does not want to get back together, then I'm sorry to say you have to walk away, and the group thing will be changed. It's already changed anyways.


This is life man, and it's commendable that you want to be the nice guy, but things always change in life, and so you have to go with that flow at the time.

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Thanks for that man. I understand where you're coming from with the whole nothing stays the same forever, and i'm completely aware of that and i'm not trying to make things like they were or anything. Basically last night was the first time in 4 months that we hung out together, i saw the opportunity and took it to try and establish some sort of comfort between us again. I'm not planning on trying to organize that type of thing regularly or anything, or make myself available for it. I pretty much only turned up because i wanted to eliminate any awkwardness between me and the ex and to show her i'm fine being around her etc. That being said, i don't plan on being around her often. I guess it was sort of like an ice breaker or something, she can see i'm fine and not holding resentment or anything. I want to talk to her so badly, but i'm worried bringing up the relationship or straight out asking if she wants to get back together is the wrong way to go about it, but then i think what the right way to go about it is and i have no idea. Feels like i'm in a bit of a lose lose situation haha. Thanks for the advice i appreciate it

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To be honest, silence is a girls loudest cry.


If you messed up then she isn't going to initiate anything, especially if she is shy.


She asked if you wanted to get some things that was kind of a hint, you should have said yes.


You need alone time with her and she was giving you that...

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I think you're right about needing alone time with her, i'm not sure about how to go about initiating it though. Her asking about my stuff didn't really seem like an invite, i was already talking to her friend about the shirt i was wearing and she said "i've still got a few of your shirts if you want them back" Like i said, i have no way of telling how she feels about me, i can't even guess and i'm usually pretty good at recognizing signs people give off towards me. She dumped me by the way, i didn't really "mess up", she said she had just lost feelings for me, i said ok and we went different ways. We've both hooked up with other people since. I'd feel like an idiot coming straight out and asking her back when it's most likely she still doesn't have those feelings for me anymore though. If i knew 100% she was the type to reach out/have the confidence to reach out and contact me if she wanted to get back together i'd stay complete NC, but the thing is she isn't that type

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I feel the same way with my ex also.


Shes allowing you to be alone with her in general so maybe she does have interest.

Think about it like that.

Just get your things at her house or whatever


And lIterally not say anything about the break up. And just leave when you've gotten your stuff. Shyness tends to go away when a girl really really wants something. But don't expect her to flat out tell you she wants to be with you again.

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I don't really want to go into a meeting straight away without having ANY idea of how she feels about me.. I swear, even if she'd just send me a text or something to show she was at least THINKING about me then i'd be willing to meet her. At this point i don't feel like i should be making all the effort. It's like i've had to endure being dumped, go through all the healing and THEN put in effort trying to reconcile, with no input from her whatsoever. For all i know she could be completely over me. I don't want to ask her best friend, obviously because they're best friends, and the last time we spoke about my ex her friend said "she doesn't care about you at all but she probably still has some feelings" i know this is bull * * * * because she definitely does care about me, i just don't know about the feelings part. Oddly enough this best friend has been trying to hook up with me behind my exes back for a while so i can't even trust anything she says.. Women eh..

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