Do I bother even thinking about the thought of Reconcilation?

[Bella4]

Hi ENA,

 

I'm back again. So it's been 3 long emotional weeks since my ex broke up with me. I'm guessing some of you know my background story, but for those who don't.. we were together almost 3 years, one of which he had to travel abroad with work so I waited for him, travelled to see him sometimes, and we both remained loyal and faithful. It was great to have him back at Christmas for good. Yes we had our arguements, over trival things really. I guess what we lacked was brutal honesty within communcation - we bottled things, mainly him though. I found out after the break up that he had extremely low self esteem issues with himself, didn't feel good enough etc, felt like a terrible boyfriend (seriously I dont know how, he treated me like a queen, always spending money on me, taking me on holidays, being my best friend etc) I never asked for a penny, he said he couldnt control himself spending money on me, and felt he didnt get much in return (but that's his problem, not mine).

 

He dumped me 3 days after a week away in Greece, but when we got back I really tried to pull my weight in the relationship, cooking, trying to pay for things for him where I could (he's weathly with an amazing job, I'm studying to become a teacher so I have no job/income except student loans).. I even made loads of effort in the bedroom which I knew was an issue because he thought I didn't like it and therefore didn't love him (Silly huh?) Anyway, apparently all of this was too little too late.

 

We've been really honest with each other about twice since the break up typing online - but since the last time, as he insisted there would never be an "us" again, I told him I couldnt be his friend as it would hurt too much, I defriended him on facebook - but, that conversation held no bad feelings, we said we'd keep each others numbers for life emergencies, kept each other on skype - he's also respected my space and is avoiding an event I'm going to, because I had planned to go first. He was nice about it and wanted me to have fun.

 

Anyway - so today I find out he's getting a new bed (weird, because he lives with his mother still - and doesnt need a new one)..but thats not really relevant.

 

I wanted to ask your opinions of if you think he'll come back, or if it's worth trying to reconcile one day, and how long should I wait and stay in no contact for? He was my whole world. And he was talking about where he was going to propose to me a month ago! I'm still confused about that. I just know if we got back together things could be fixed and we could make improvements for the better. I just don't want to let him go, even though he broke my heart.

 

He said I deserved better than him etc. But I wanted him. And still do. Is this a lost cause?

[DN]

and felt he didnt get much in return (but that's his problem, not mine).

I knew was an issue because he thought I didn't like it and therefore didn't love him (Silly huh?)

I wanted to ask your opinions of if you think he'll come back,

Not so long as you dismiss his concerns in the way you do above.

[Bella4]

Not so long as you dismiss his concerns in the way you do above.

 

I never dismissed them - He just never gave me the chance to really discuss his concerns, but I would have listened and done something about them. I did do a lot for him, he just didn't seem to see it. And I always let him know how much I loved him, or atleast I thought I did.

 

Of course his issues are important - the break up was mainly to do with his problems, which I would have jumped at to solve with him. I would have moved the earth for him - and still would.

 

I want to make him happy. His happiness is very important to me.

[DN]

What I am saying is that you should change the mindset that leads you to express yourself in that way because that will almost certainly communicate itself to him if and when you do talk.

[Bella4]

What I am saying is that you should change the mindset that leads you to express yourself in that way because that will almost certainly communicate itself to him if and when you do talk.

 

You are very right here, I understand what you are saying fully.

 

I just don't know how to reconcile, we're having space at the moment. Do I keep healing and contact him after? Or wait for him to?...I just don't know what to do to get him back, I miss him as my best friend, and talking to him. We spoke every single day - now not at all - I'm being strong I think, but ohhh..it's so hard.

[DN]

I think you should not contact him for at least two weeks - see if he contacts you. After that a short "how are you" inquiry should be OK.

[Bella4]

I think you should not contact him for at least two weeks - see if he contacts you. After that a short "how are you" inquiry should be OK.

 

Ok, I shall do this. Thank you.

[Mellie]

I have to ask, how do you know he's getting a new bed if you've defriended him and what not?

[Bella4]

I have to ask, how do you know he's getting a new bed if you've defriended him and what not?

 

My friend told me she saw him update - I did not ask her, I just got told.

[Mellie]

No, I'm not blaming you or saying you're snooping or anything, I just don't think updates help you. Like, IDK, after I split up with one of my exes, my dad saw him in the street. The guy hid! Thinking back now, it is pretty funny actually What a coward - what was my dad going to do?! But my point is, my dad didn't tell me about it until months, maybe years afterwards. It's tricky, but I don't think updates help. Like with that same ex - we worked together, he broke up with me, then he went to work somewhere else. My boss was ace about it, really helped me a lot, BUT after the guy left, though I was ok for running him down (the ending was pretty * * * * ty), the boss would go too far and say lets look him up in his new employment, oh look at him sitting there, what a dufus. And after a while that stopped being helpful and started dragging me down, so I eventually said I didn't give a monkeys and just changed the subject til it stopped coming up.

 

It's tricky when someone is there for you - you know they're only trying to help but sometimes... You know what I mean.

[Bella4]

I know, I don't need updating at all - but I cant help hearing what people tell me.

 

I just want to get him back, and make it work - but I dont think I am going to get my chance.

[catfeeder]

Things have a way of answering themselves when we let go of the white knuckle grip. I'd drop any decision making efforts right now. I'd sink myself into my best, most creative forms of self pampering and kindness I can dream up. I'd push myself to be helpful to someone else even when I don't feel like it, as this helps to energize me when I'm depleted, and it draws me outside of my own brain crunching. That's not a helpful place to be--it's a spin that's wound too tight for any healthy perspective to enter.

 

As you throw yourself into a new focus and still allow for some times of grief and sobs and self indulgence, you'll gain the right amount of distance and your perceptions will be more relaxed. THIS is the brainwave pattern that will actually 'help' you--only it won't feel like an effort or a need to control anything. It will feel like you've earned 20 years of wisdom and a space of peace in which to operate confidently.

 

Let go, and you'll surprise yourself.

[carrie8484]

Hi Bella, I think we may be in a similar situation. I too want my ex back badly, he also claimed to break up with me because he could not keep spending money on me/contributing to my rent. I feel like I should have made a lot more effort in our relationship now - not relying so much on him, making more time for him in the bedroom, etc etc. Hindsight is pretty evil huh? anyway, I think for people like you and me, being cool and as calm as possible and trying to avoid any form of contact unless absolutely necessary is the best way forward. We have to focus on putting ourselves in the best possible light for a reconciliation (because that is the result we want) and if it doesn't happen, at least we tried! I have avoided any begging or pleading, which is hard when every night im just lying there thinking about him, who he's with etc, but remember, guys are attracted to a woman with dignity, and that is why No Contact and Loose Contact are very important in the reconciliation process, or so I hope, because we need to give them time to miss us.

 

At the moment my ex texts me every few days with random chatter, he blatantly wants to be just friends at the moment. ( I reply after a few hours, never ask him a question, and just hope the next time he contacts me he will ask to meet.... I doubt it will happen but at least I know I am not being a psycho or a crazy girl which I could easily turn into, so I just try and handle his contact by loosly responding and not seeming to keen.

I now think I need to go completely NC to move away from being in his friend zone and seeing if he misses me. It's tough, but there are little tactics we can try, and by tactics I mean to help us deal with the situatuion not force them into getting back with us lol

 

I hope you're feeling a little better about the situation

I hate weekends, makes me wonder what he's upto

[Bella4]

Ahh it was rather comforting to read someone else in a very similar boat to mine. I too have avoiding begging/pleading from day 1 - he never got that.

 

My ex doesn't even randomly text me - but I think he's respecting my space. Especially after I told him I was unable to do the friends thing. And yeah, I dont want to force him to come back - I want him to want to come back, but seriously can not see it happening he seemed pretty sure it was over.

 

I hate weekends too. Because I used to spend friday saturday and sunday with him. I think I need to wait for him to initiate some contact - I may be waiting a long time, lol.