Reaching out for some advice - some experience

[nwguy]

My wife of 10-years has always enjoyed a drink and regularly drank 2-3 beers a day before bed.

 

This last year however she's been going out a lot and drinks excessively sometimes to the point of memory loss. The problem I have is that she is prone to making some very bad choices and becomes very flirty when she gets drunk. I have twice caught her involved in some VERY bad situations. 1 being a satellite participant in a sex act with another couple in a hot tub, and 2 having a very flirty conversation on my living room couch with a drunk friend of hers (telling him how boring the sex was with me etc..). I believe the latter would have lead to sex had I not intervened and kicked him out. On the few occasions I've gotten drunk with her I've listened to her talk to other men about her previous sex partners and "how good it was" etc...

 

When I've confronted her about the behavior she's sometimes said - I have a problem with drinking, I think I might be an alcoholic but then the drinking creeps back in and in short time, exposure to these bad situations.

 

I'm a conservative home body - she likes to go out and drink and I'm terrified that my marriage is one bad choice away from irrevocable harm.

 

I'm sitting here tonight alone while she's at the bar in another town drinking and partying and I'm sick with anxiety and fear that she's flirting it up and might get into a bad situation at the likely to happen after party. I don't expect her to come home as drinking and driving is a bad thing..

 

I'm torn about what to do. I am a normally jealous and possessive person and I work very hard not to show that or let it out.. I don't want to control my partner as I don't believe it's healthy for anyone. I don't want to tell her she can't have her fun but at the same time I don't want to deal with this terrible anxiety any more. I'm still hurt from her previous bad choices ! I can't handle any more...

 

We've been married 10-years, and have 3 children together.. 1 under 10, and 2 teenagers.

 

Anyone able to throw me a bone and let me know I'm not alone in the world?

 

Me.

[Kitkat973]

You shouldn't have to baby sit her to insure her fidelity.

[ApocalypseDreams]

I don't think your being unreasonable, jealous or possessive if you are concerned about this. She's pushing the limits I think. How old is she cos she sounds really immature? No offense, but if she is a mother of 3 children she shouldn't really be out partying, drinking excessively and flirting with other people. Thats disrespectful to you and her children.

 

Can't really give any advice out, I'm only young and couldn't really comment on marriage, other than I think you're being VERY reasonable.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Are you really sure you want to remain married to cheating alcoholic? Not a good role model for your children. Perhaps you should see a lawyer and start getting solid proof of her alcoholism and inappropriate behaviour...this way you can file for full custody of your children.

[Purusha]

It sounds very much like she has a problem with alcohol - if she's not willing to address this there's not a whole lot that you can do, and remember to look after yourself in all this. That's very hard to do when you care about somebody and they're doing something that could land them in harms way, but remember that the only person who can truly help her is herself.

 

One thing I would also point out as well is that although her behaviour is awful, often the person you know will turn into somebody unrecognisable after a few drinks, it's not necessarily her speaking but she needs to be able to deal with this in order for you to be able to find that out.

 

I would also get in touch with whoever you have nearby like the AA for instance, they can provide a lot of support for family members as well as the person who has the drinking problem.

 

Good luck - and rest assured that there are many people out there with the same problem, you most certainly are not alone.

[catfeeder]

I'd consider attending Alanon meetings in your area. These are people who are exactly in your shoes and have learned ways to cope and help one another. The meetings are free. They operate under the umbrella name but each has their own culture--which means you can have different kinds of experiences in different towns or parts of town. One might be more spiritually based while another is clearly not. I'd avoid decisions about the first few meetings, they're uncomfortable for everyone. I'd keep an open mind and continue going until you learn whether you can make good use of these services.