lost and hurt Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 I'm a 44 year old man and my wife is 31. And yesterday she told me a deep secret that she has held for a number of years. She was almost raped, but had been molested by her cousin who is just 6 months older than her. They were around the ages of 8 when it started and stopped when she was around 14. She woke up as he was pulling her panties off getting ready to rape her as she slept in his sisters bedroom. And her grandmother and cousin were in there also. My question is what do I do cuz her male cousin and I are friends and I dont know what to do to make her feel better.I also told her that I would back off out of respect for her but I don't know how. And she thinks that I'm being uncaring cuz i talked to him on the phone about something we had talked about before I found this out. I only talked to him for like 5 min. and that was it. She is seeing a Dr. for what happened to her. can somebody help me? thank you Link to comment
Stay_home Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Tough situation. Sexual assault can have such a damaging effect on a victim. The most you can do is just be there for her every step of the way. What was the conversation about between you and the male friend about? Link to comment
lost and hurt Posted July 16, 2011 Author Share Posted July 16, 2011 Thanks for the help and i plan on being there for her, shes my everything! And her cousin talked bout how my car was working cuz the repaired it and we was discussing how it was running. And a xbox game. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Thanks for the help and i plan on being there for her, shes my everything! And her cousin talked bout how my car was working cuz the repaired it and we was discussing how it was running. And a xbox game. No problem. Hope everything works out. Link to comment
lost and hurt Posted July 16, 2011 Author Share Posted July 16, 2011 keep us in our prayers Link to comment
Snuggly Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 My question is what do I do cuz her male cousin and I are friends and I dont know what to do to make her feel better. You need to tell your friend the truth. Say you found out about this and that your wife matters more to you than anything. So you can't be friends anymore. Its the only decent thing to do. Helps your wife heal and gain trust in your support and lets your friend know why he is no longer your friend. You can do it in an email or text if easier. He will deny it, but stick by your wife. Link to comment
Kitkat973 Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Thanks for the help and i plan on being there for her, shes my everything! And her cousin talked bout how my car was working cuz the repaired it and we was discussing how i overt was running. And a xbox game. You need to get some perspective. Replying to your partner telling you about childhood abuse by prioritizing talking about cars and video games with her abuser is horrifying. Only five minutes doesn't make it okay, it makes it an excuse. Link to comment
lost and hurt Posted July 16, 2011 Author Share Posted July 16, 2011 Ok and I told her that i was sorry. I dont know how to deal with something like this in all reality i want to tear his head off, but what will that solve? C i'm from the old school where u learn to keep ur friends close and ur enemies closer,Im not done with this by no means. Now if i tell him that i know and he lies about it then theres going to be problems but if he comes clean and tells my wife that hes sorry I'll let it go but I don't want my wife to know that I'm plotting to get him for her. Link to comment
lost and hurt Posted July 16, 2011 Author Share Posted July 16, 2011 I will do that but at the sametime i want to get him for her. I'm sticking by my baby's side forever, and i hate that i can't make her feel any better. Will her comfronting him give her some of her life and power back Link to comment
Kitkat973 Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 if he comes clean and tells my wife that hes sorry I'll let it go Here's the thing. Apologizing? Doesn't make abuse go away. It doesn't make the trauma and mental damage go away. As someone who has been sexually abused, my partner making excuses for remaining in any kind of contact with my abuser would be a one-way ticket out of my life. Link to comment
lost and hurt Posted July 16, 2011 Author Share Posted July 16, 2011 I c and understand what ur saying. But I want revenge for her,I have NO intrest in ever being his friend ever again I just want to do something rally bad to him. I just don't want to alert him to what I'm planning to do to him when the time is right. I hope that I'm making myself clear to you. And what i ment by letting it go; I wont do anything to him. I want to be here for my wife,and I didnt mean to offend u by what I said. I just don't know what to say or do that's y I joined this site,to learn from people like u how have gone through this horriable thing. Link to comment
Kitkat973 Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 I c and understand what ur saying. But I want revenge for her,I have NO intrest in ever being his friend ever again I just want to do something rally bad to him. I just don't want to alert him to what I'm planning to do to him when the time is right. I hope that I'm making myself clear to you. And what i ment by letting it go; I wont do anything to him. I want to be here for my wife,and I didnt mean to offend u by what I said. I just don't know what to say or do that's y I joined this site,to learn from people like u how have gone through this horriable thing. I can tell you now that getting some kind of revenge on him probably isn't going to have the results you want. It's natural when someone you care about is hurt to want to hurt the other person, but if your planned revenge falls on the side of questionably legal (or even not), the repercussions of it could just end up harming your partner. Link to comment
lost and hurt Posted July 16, 2011 Author Share Posted July 16, 2011 Thank u for ur concern but Im NOT doing anything to get sent back to prison! I can't be without my beautiful wife and son, and what i plan is legal just a little questionable. It just sucks that my hands are tied that I cant do what i want to him. I just wonder if she'll ever tell her parents what he did to her? Link to comment
lost and hurt Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 would like to tell everyone that we told my wife's parents about what happened to her when she was younger and who did it. Can u believe they acted like they didn't believe her. Her mom was like I feel your pain cuz her step father tried to molest her but she stopped him. They didn't hug her or tell her it will be alright, her dad just said I knew i didn't like him for some reason, that was about it. They say it's not her fault but their actions are different. Now my wife is feeling really alone and hurting cuz her parents acted like they did. She's saying she wish she wouldn't have told them. Her mom was why did u wait so many years to say anything and when my wife said she was scared and embarrest and blamed herself they didn't say anything. Not what are we to do? Link to comment
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