A Honest and serious plea for advice

[Dullard]

All right, before I start this, I just want to clarify some things, so you don't all think I'm a total fool.

 

I have Depression, and I used to harm myself, but I took medication and it sort of stopped. Let me get to why:

So ever since ever, I've had really bad self esteem. It took me till highschool, junior year to make friends. I am pretty chubby I don't really think I'm super attractive. I get average grades. I suck at sports. I suck at videogames. I claim to be talented at cooking, when in reality I totally made this up just so I could be praised for SOMETHING. I can cook, but I haven't taken lessons. I like cooking artistically, and it turns out really nice, but I feel I am living a lie because I never took lessons. I can't draw, even though I always wanted to. I can't sing, even though I wish I could. I can't play an instrument, as much as I want to. Because I feel talentless, it led to low self esteem. I also had another problem. I'm gay. This was bad, because I hated it. All my life, I wanted to be normal and have a normal family and then I discovered this. It made me not want to be myself so I put on this persona of a ditzy and outgoing person. I got friends but I never could act like myself. Then in highschool, I had problems because I thought people didn't like me, or because I wouldn't be invited to some things, I was being excluded. This made me become very questioning and sensitive and that drove people away. So then, I was like ok college college college college college. I have quite a few good friends in my town, but there's never anything to do, and we don't have money to spend, so we're always bored. So I hyped up college. Then in college, it was fun, until I tried to get into a frat. I got reject twice. Once first semester and once second semester. I was so humiliated and it hyped up my low self esteem. In my head I was like, is it because they think I might be gay? Is it because I'm fat? I saw other people g et in who were either gay or fat but not both so that compounded my issues. Then I had issues with friends. I'm always nice because I want everyones approval and people started to walk all over me. But I was afraid If i spoke up, no one would be my friend.. I have this problem, you see, I never know how to express myself properly, and it comes out weird and stupid. People call it talking in circles but I just can't say stuff right. So then I was being abandoned and people didn't talk to me because I was being clingy so I stopped and became more reclusive. That didn't work either, as then it was just boredom. That's when I cut myself as a plea of attention and in pure hurt. Then my parents got me medication and it worked but now I feel very dull. Also it seems things never work out right in my life. I was afraid of going to culinary school instead of college because of the fact that I thought I wouldnt get a job, and its such a huge regret as I hate studying this crap and college is expensive. I know I can always go to culinary school after but I feel like I messed up. My parents love me and are uber supportive of everything, gay, culinary, etc. but they aren't always going to be around and I can't depend on them forever, you know? I feel so humiliated as when I went to a gay club no one hit on me, danced with me, anything. In my whole live no one's ever had a crush on me or even flirted with me. I have never been kissed and have never had a relationship. I feel so alone in that area and it's made me super bitter towards romance. I never want to go back to a gay club, because my life has just been about rejection, rejection, and more rejection. I I wish for once SOMEONE would actually want to be around me, want me, appreciate me. I have told my friends im gay and they're ok with it, but this means that a lot of times I can't relate to my straight guy friends and even though they try to treat me as just one of the guys I don't like the same things they do, you know? As for the girls, I don't want to hang out with only girls ... this is causing me great stress. I like being around guys I just wish I could participate in the conversations that I know nothing about, as I feel so awkward. I have never had a best friend either, and I wish I had one person I could just discuss everything about and to console me. I ended up making some good friends second semester but I am afraid of this cycle continuing. How do I get people to want to be around me? HOW do I increase my self confidence? How do I become more talented? How do I get motivation to accomplish things? How do I get loved? How do I accept myself for who I am and have the guts to be myself? How do I not feel so dull and uninterested? How do I get to have less awkward convos with people and be pursed as a friend more? My self esteem has been dashed to bits and I am afraid if I don't love myself no one will love me. I just want to have a nice, happy life. Any advice?

 

From,

Distressed Student :sad:

[endy]

Read you can heal your life by Louise Hay. Then read the secret and practice all of it. When you think you can't do anything when you think you are all of those things... Guess what that's what you're going to be. You need to seriously start loving yourself. It's going to take time but love is in each and every one of us.

[Capricorn3]

Are you taking any medication for your depression? Also, I think you could benefit a lot from professional counselling/therapy as you seem to have so many different issues and it would be hard to fix it on your own as you need to go way back to where it all started to understand what is going on - that's where a professional comes into play. Meantime, I think reading the book endy recommended above would be a good starting point.