Trying to become a better person

[Irial]

Hi everybody. I really like the fact there's a "Personal Growth" subforum as that is exactly what I was looking for. I would like some advice if anybody has a word of wisdom for me, as I struggle to become a better person and overcome my current limits. Forgive me if this post is going to be long and thanks for reading if you do!

 

In the past 8 months my life has changed quite radically. About 8 months ago my ex boyfriend left me after being together over 4 years. That was quite a life changing event as we were so present in each other's life (we honestly kept in touch a lot throughout the day) the fact he suddenly disappeared had quite an impact on me. We had plans and arrangements had been made (plane tickets and such), but that was all cancelled (with no refund so I lost money too...sadly) and so we parted ways and I started my single life. It was very difficult at first, as many of you can imagine, but once I quit all contact with him it became a lot easier and I made huge steps towards recovery in little time. Within 2 months I was doing really well and although I missed him as he had been my best friend for over 6 years, I was good with the break up and losing him. All the while I kept on working on my university duties, got used to my new life (a life that was no longer built around him but around me) and I was pretty much fine. A while later, I fell in love with a guy I had been friends with for months. I suddenly started seeing him as more than a friend, I realized I was developing feelings for him and I told him about them. He reciprocated those feelings and we started dating. Eventually things got more serious and now we have been dating for about 5 months.

 

This was just a bit of my background situation. Now, I find it necessary to work on myself because I can't see myself being happy enough with my life. I don't like how I am handling my relationship and I don't like how I am handling much of anything else. And I haven't exactly figured out what kind of girlfriend I am going to be (or even am now) or what kind of person I am going to be. What I really want to achieve is to become more independent and strong, complete in myself and less prone to seeking approval or needing reassurances.

 

I can see that I have become a much better person since the break up already, but I am not at all satisfied yet. I want to achieve much better results in my academic life and I want to become a more independent partner in romantic relationships. I have come to a moment in my life in which I am overwhelmed by changes and stress as university is currently really challenging and my boyfriend has just started grad school (and we are long distance) so communication between us has become a lot less frequent and intense than it first was, not to mention how his stress tends to make that more difficult than it would otherwise be.

 

I need the strength to be able to be a supportive partner but without needing to be reassured of being loved all the time due to my personal insecurities. I want to be able to see my relationship as an extra in my life and not something to rely on or to constantly think about. Being in a long distance relationship, I believe it is vital to find a sufficient level of independence and detachment that allows to live one's life to the fullest even without their partner's presence. I am trying to find that and make my life balanced.

 

At the same time I am trying to achieve the best I can at university. That is also very tough and I am trying to find new approaches to study more efficiently. All the while I try to figure out what kind of person I am and want to be, and why I constantly feel restless. I want to achieve a quiet state of mind in which I wait for good things to happen to me without stressing and having expectations. Currently I have mood swings that are extremely frequent and I am unable to enjoy even my favorite activities. I don't think that is because of the activities themselves, but it is some kind of personal restlessness that is caused by the fact my life is not in order for some reason and so I want to find a way to focus on my goals and be proud of my work, in order to enjoy everything else.

 

If anybody has any kind of advice about this (better studying methods, how to become independent from your relationship and not let the thought of it rule your life, how to handle mood swings and sudden depressive moods etc), that'd be greatly appreciated

[TwelveThirty]

A few couple of things I would like to point out before starting:

 

Insecurities

Mood swings

Depressive moods

 

Bingo!

 

Insecurities led to state of unhappiness and are containing a full load of other emotions that want to get out, therefore putting your insecurities to the maximum as you are losing control, but only augmenting the pressure and frequency of those mood swings, which ultimately will lead (if not already) to a complete shutdown of your inner activity (emotions; depression).

 

You might not think that it's a bad thing, but I believe that your break up has affected you quite a lot since you mention it in your background, contrary to anything else such as family, education or financial problems.

Then, you say that you are currently living on a similar issue because you brought up your disappointment about this new long distance relationship.

Also, you are bringing in interest in receiving better studying methods, how to become independent..., and how to become a better person.

 

I would like to say that you are currently not at the point where you want to become a better person, but closer to resolution (which comes along with recovery, compared to progress). There is a problem, and you identified it, although you're not too sure what it is at the moment, and so you will have to get over this issue first before you can "become a better person".

 

The first thing I would like to warn you is that it might be favorable for you to let some of your current goals go. It's hard to deal on one matter at a time, but you are dealing on maybe too many at the moment. You have to start thinking about yourself to let your self-confidence gain importance, and that your insecurities leave you alone. I think this is what drained you a lot of energy in the first place. If you can stop worrying about your future in the first place, that'll shut your problems. As a matter of fact, you have to be living in the present to be in good condition in the future. If not, what is this hard work all about, then?

 

But you are also smart and say that you are making those efforts at making your life balanced. Can I ask you what is your current balance and if there are enough activities and sports that you enjoy? How many hours does that represent per week? Do you also have a job? Do you see friends?

[Irial]

First off, thanks for your reply

 

A few couple of things I would like to point out before starting:

 

Insecurities

Mood swings

Depressive moods

 

Bingo!

 

Insecurities led to state of unhappiness and are containing a full load of other emotions that want to get out, therefore putting your insecurities to the maximum as you are losing control, but only augmenting the pressure and frequency of those mood swings, which ultimately will lead (if not already) to a complete shutdown of your inner activity (emotions; depression).

I have been somewhat depressed but definitely there was no shutdown of my emotions. I do agree insecurities play a major role in my state of mind, though.

 

You might not think that it's a bad thing, but I believe that your break up has affected you quite a lot since you mention it in your background, contrary to anything else such as family, education or financial problems.

My break up HAS affected me a lot, otherwise it wouldn't be part of my background indeed. It has affected me more than any other event in my life at the time since not much has lead to such radical change for me before. I do think it was a good thing though, because it finally allowed me to see a lot of my flaws (which I previously didn't even notice) and helped me focus on what I should be working on. Also, it allowed me to realize how relationships end but it's not really the end of the world. It was my longest relationship yet and I have suffered deeply from the loss, including the loss of my ex-boyfriend as a friend (which I still now miss, at times). However, having realized that he was not the right person for me, I don't see the event as a bad thing at all. Actually I'm glad it happened, better sooner than later since we were just no longer right for each other.

 

Then, you say that you are currently living on a similar issue because you brought up your disappointment about this new long distance relationship.

I am not sure why you reached this conclusion...I might have explained it wrong. I am not living on a similar issue, it is a different one. The issue I refer to is that I am not handling the relationship as well as I would like to. I am letting my feelings about it nearly rule my life and that is not something I am pleased with. Considering it is a relationship that requires patience and effort to work, more so than one that is not long distance with a person who is working fulltime, I really see the necessity to change my way of handling my feelings about my boyfriend and channel them in a healthier way.

 

Also, you are bringing in interest in receiving better studying methods, how to become independent..., and how to become a better person.

I would like to say that you are currently not at the point where you want to become a better person, but closer to resolution (which comes along with recovery, compared to progress). There is a problem, and you identified it, although you're not too sure what it is at the moment, and so you will have to get over this issue first before you can "become a better person".

I am not sure I understand precisely what you mean with this. Isn't "getting over this issue" equal to becoming a better person, already?

 

The first thing I would like to warn you is that it might be favorable for you to let some of your current goals go. It's hard to deal on one matter at a time, but you are dealing on maybe too many at the moment. You have to start thinking about yourself to let your self-confidence gain importance, and that your insecurities leave you alone. I think this is what drained you a lot of energy in the first place. If you can stop worrying about your future in the first place, that'll shut your problems. As a matter of fact, you have to be living in the present to be in good condition in the future. If not, what is this hard work all about, then?

You are right about the insecurities, they do affect me in a negative way and my insecurities future-related bring me down immensely. I literally need to force myself to stop thinking about it because otherwise I risk to spend an entire afternoon panicking over not being able to find a job, or not being able to get my degree, or where will I move when I am done with this? That kind of thing. I absolutely need to get rid of this all. For a while I had reached state in which I was able to stop worrying about this kind of thing. Ironically enough I even used to tell my boyfriend that he should stop worrying about our future now because it's just too early and there's no point. Now, I just can't stop worrying about my future myself. Be it my future on my own, or with him. I think this is very negative for me and I want to be able to put the feeling aside. But I don't really know how to do this, get rid of the insecurity and all.

 

But you are also smart and say that you are making those efforts at making your life balanced. Can I ask you what is your current balance and if there are enough activities and sports that you enjoy? How many hours does that represent per week? Do you also have a job? Do you see friends?

I am still working on making my life as balanced as possible, but it is somewhat difficult to do it completely right as I am really really busy with university. That leaves much less free time than I'd wish to have.

Every day I try to dedicate at least 2-3 hours to things I enjoy, mostly after I'm done with studying. Among those things there's reading, watching movies, video games, listening to music, going for long walks, cooking, writing, drawing, chatting with friends etc. I also have 2 blogs, one to keep track of my daily life and another just to write my thoughts down.

As for sports, I don't really enjoy any sports (although I've tried many in my life) in particular but I exercise at home and do weight lifting, plus I go for long walks (because I don't really enjoy jogging...) which tires me enough. I currently don't have money nor will to commit myself to going to a gym (and I honestly don't enjoy it) or something along those lines, so I am trying to do what I can in terms of working out without needing to pay for it (I'm even actually considering buying some video game using a motion system so that is more fun

I don't have a job as I'm a fulltime student and am behind with my education as it is.

 

As for friends, I don't get to see them often. The people I hang out with the most are classmates and they all live far away from me (my university is 2h away from my house). At the moment they have gone back home for the summer, too. We are not close friends or anything, so it's not like I'd hang out with them a lot anyways. I hang out with my brothers and go visit them whenever possible, and in August I will be flying to spend a week with another friend of mine. Most of the people I really enjoy spending time with, are far. I talk to them daily through email or Instant Messengers (even for hours at times), but that's about it. And I don't have sufficient time along the year to make that many friends and even do things with them, due to my university schedule and studying, especially considering I spend 4 hours a day just travelling to and from the university.

 

So typically my day (now that classes are over for a while, otherwise I'd be off to uni all day till evening) consists of: getting up, having breakfast, making a schedule of what I am going to study for the day and start studying, walk the dog, get back home, have lunch, study more. Then I do some working out / go out for a walk. Then I come home, read, watch a movie or tv, talk to friends online, text with my boyfriend and check how his day is going, sit down and talk with my mom about whatever subject, play games or cook for dinner. After dinner I usually do some more recreational stuff until I am sleepy and then I just go to bed. There are variations of course, sometimes I go places, meet up with family or stuff like that. But that is the common structure of my day.

[TwelveThirty]

Working over an issue is not the same as becoming a better person, in my opinion. I honestly think that there is a time to walk the distance, but also to fix things when they break, and to rest for recovery. In your case, I think that this thread has been started because you noticed there is a problem.

 

In another paragraph, you talk about insecurities. You took some experience, and you might realize that they are all related to something in particular. Each and every one of them. Writing your thoughts down helps reducing your level, but doesn't manage the whole situation, because it's keeps being present, and thus your thoughts keep on being fed. Noticing the length of your reply, I'm not even surprised how long you might have those worries running about in your head. You do have a lot going on in your head... but also with your life. Indeed, you are pretty busy doing a bit of everything, but if I can understand something out of your two previous posts, it's that you don't have any problem with all but one matter. But before, I'd like to make sure it's really the case.

 

You say that it's currently summer, so you should now be away from all the long studies from university, right? So what's happening in your life at the moment, instead? Where are all of your thoughts and worries focused at the moment?

 

It's funny I see no big problem with your whole picture... don't you think it's funny, too, that I can't figure out what's wrong about your life when you tell me the whole structure of your day like this?

 

My only general worry is actually about your social environment in general. You do seem to isolate yourself enough to feel some void... which you feed into your pool of thoughts, which create insecurities. As if there is too much intelligence opposed to no chance to develop it into some real action...

 

What would you think of writing a creative book. Instead of a journal. Writing a fiction. My idea is that your life is very fine. Only your brain thinks it isn't. So if you can allow your brain to drift into a different world to think of the possible problems there is over there, you can avoid from being your own critique...

 

At least at the moment, because to me there seem to be something... sorry if I can't lay my finger right on it at the moment. I'll think over it again and see what is your answer as well.

[Irial]

Thank you again for your reply and taking the time to help me figure things out

 

I did start this thread because I notice there is a problem, I am not happy with my general attitude towards life and I make efforts to get myself to do things and actually fully enjoy them. I worry about university a lot too, because I fail exams every once in a while and that brings me down a lot. And, of course, I miss my boyfriend sometimes. Mostly I just don't like that my mood is never quite right and that I never feel like I achieved something, I am never proud of my work, I always feel like I didn't do anything special.

 

It is currently summer but no, I am not away from my studies. I have exams early in september and there is a lot I have to get done for those, so my days are actually exactly like I described them. I study about 3/4 of my day and then dedicate the rest of my time to other stuff. Generally I would like it if when I spend time on recreational activities I could feel like it's also productive in some sort of way. Many times I end up feeling guilty for watching movies or reading because I feel I could be studying or reading a textbook rather than that. Or doing some exercises to practice. I don't know, something more "useful". However I honestly can't concentrate any longer after studying so long thus I can't make myself do any more. And I rationally understand that it is important to just relax and do something simply because it's fun, so I keep on doing it. But I feel restless about this as well, which prevents me from fully enjoying myself and "getting lost" in whatever I'm doing. That is another thing I'd really love, feeling absorbed. Like I don't even notice what is going on around me because I am doing something that takes my full attention without needing to make an effort.

 

Most of my thoughts and worries are focused on university (I recently failed an exam I had studied a lot for, that made the feeling a lot worse), the future and my relationship. I guess both my relationship and university are merged into the worry about the future, though. As for what else is happening in my life, I wouldn't know. I wake up thinking omg I have to study so much, and that is already the wrong attitude to begin a day. It makes me feel overwhelmed from the start. Also people I am close to are experiencing a lot of problems in their own lives and they come to me for support or comfort and thus that adds to the load. I truly care for these people (my best friend, my boyfriend, my family...) and so I make huge efforts to try and make them feel better or actively do something for them, or even just figure out what is on their mind when they ask me to talk. That has added up to my overall negativity, even though I am not constantly down or anything.

 

I don't think there's problems with the whole picture of my life, the problem is in my head. Because the reason my life is structured as it is, is that I know it's probably the healthiest way I can make it for now. I have purposefully arranged things so that my life would be this way because I want to limit my bad moods and grow as a person and I think doing what I try to do is the best I can do to achieve that. One thing that really bothers me is that I am hardly able to stick to one thing anymore. I make efforts to stick to one book and finish it, or play one game until the end, and so on. I did not use to be this way, but lately I have to discipline myself to stick to things or else I won't do it. Not because I don't like doing it, I just won't for some reason.

 

I think you are right about my social environment. I am somewhat isolated. I am not even the kind of person who makes friends very easily, I am shy and I don't enjoy what most people I meet like. I don't even have that many occasions to meet people overall, there is no clubs I can join or anything of the sort. I would have to go significantly out of my way to find more people to hang out with, which I honestly don't really want to do considering the load of stuff that I HAVE to get done.

 

I actually had started writing a fiction book. I don't know why but at a certain point I just stopped. I had the whole plot figured out but I never developed it. I think I should try to go back to that and actually work on it thanks for the advice. It might work!

 

Thank you again for your insight so far!

[TwelveThirty]

You must not feel like you do anything special indeed since you I believe you're very intelligent and probably aren't able to exploit your full potential. Contrary to what our society brings us to believe, intelligence and academic success is not always linked.

Your body is living a downfall and it's absolutely normal that it asks you to just sit there (in front of the television) and relax, because... whoah - you're in depression afterall - which comes from a high level of stress and incredible pressure for your whole body to manage, so it needs rest, but your head is well aware that it's not the best way to be "perfromant", continues to stress you to keep following the formalities driven by the school system and our social education, and to keep tiring yourself.

Result: you can't concentrate on your studies and what's "real" for you, you admit believing that waking up with the thought of having to study is the wrong attitude, you are losing interest and focus, but you can write me a very lenghty post in a second language. Does this make sense? Not much, but that you are completely drained by your school duties and that you would rather do many other things before to return to them.

 

If I had one recommendation as a fully qualified PhD graduate of a highly regarded field and educational insitution, it would be to run out naked and swim into the lake, run in the woods, and sleep under a pile of tree leaves. Repeat everyday until you're completely tired of living this way. A la Forrest Gump, the movie...

 

Otherwise, what can I say?

 

So, have you restarted writing again? How far did you go?

[Irial]

I apologize for my late reply but I had some stuff to deal with so I decided to take my time to answer.

 

It is difficult to feel very smart when, after much effort, I end up failing. However, I do realize that not always our academic success is linked to our intelligence and I keep looking ahead hoping to be able to make my failures right and get better by working harder.

 

As much as I have a hard time focusing for more than a few minutes on both recreational and educational activities, it is not difficult for me to focus on writing posts on forums or long emails to friends. I am not sure why that is, maybe this is one activity that helps me relax. I have always enjoyed exchanging long emails and / or letters, I suppose it comes more naturally to me than focusing on reading a chapter of a book that I need to study.

 

I understand that my body is reacting to my depressive attitude and thus seems to need more rest than one would expect. However, if I gave in and always rested when feeling like it, I am convinced that I would just be feeding my negative attitude as the less active I keep the more room there is for negative thoughts to spread accross my mind.

 

Yours is an interesting suggestion about running out naked and swimming into the lake XD however, sadly, I don't live in a place that would allow me to do that. I have been spending more time outdoors sunbathing, though, as I figured that would be healthy for me to do. It is just as good as going for a walk though, I think, in terms of making my mood better.

 

About writing, I have tried to pick up where I left off with my previous story but I felt it wasn't quite right. I think I need to come up with something new altogether if I want to get into writing again because it's as if the right time for what I was writing has passed and might come back, but it is not now. So I am just going on with my daily routine, I found that cooking new things is somewhat good because it makes me feel like I achieved something and that I also did something useful. Other than that, I am not really sure what else I can do.

 

Thank you for all the time you've taken to reply to me and give advice, it was much appreciated

[TwelveThirty]

Sorry about the last reply as well; it's just that your answer left me perplex about your situation and how to solve these problems.

 

I think that if there is one best miraculous way to deal with your current disturbances is to let your desire guide you. To let yourself go with what you feel like you want to do the most.

 

Instinct; they are at the center of our life and they are the core of our lifestyles. They can guide us better than ourselves, as they are not rationally powerful, but metaphysically almighty. When all else fails, go with your gut feeling.