Doubt

[PetiteGirl]

I know relationships have ups and downs and there's no such thing as a perfect relationship. My mind is all over the place and this rant is going to be a combination of many different thoughts.

 

He's 22 and I'm 24. It's only been 4 months into the relationship and I've been having this nagging doubt in the back of my head for a good while now. We've talked about how we wanted marriage and family someday and how we're going to make it for the long term (it's usually him who brought it up). I'm always happy to talk about the future with him. I even sometimes daydreamed about being with him years down the road. However, after a few days I would feel scare and doubtful that this will work out. Maybe it's because we had our serious conversations about our future together too soon? He's been telling me that he loves me and it shows, but I just think telling someone you love him/her so early in the relationship is kind of shallow. I sometimes feel like he is a child that has yet to be exposed to the world. Is it possible to love someone this early in the relationship?

 

And here I am...already graduated college and is currently working full time in a science field, while getting ready to get another graduate degree. On the other hand, he's just starting to take prerequisites at a community college for pharmacy school. He can't even take the most basic 101 science courses because his high school level math prerequisites is non-existence. Due to lack of financial support from his family, he has to work from the very bottom to get his education foundation right. That could probably take him 3 years. If he managed to get into pharmacy school that would be another 4 years. All in all, he wants me to wait for him for ~7 years. He told me he wanted to give me a good life, but it's going to take him many years to get there. I really appreciate that he wants to do something like that for me, but I can't help but feel that he's only getting an education for me. Yet he insisted that he's doing it for "us." For him, I've been showing him my support by writing him little notes, sending him texts, giving him little gifts of encouragement and just being there for him while he's getting this education. It's just that sometimes, I wondered if he's actually going to make it. He's not very good at math and science. The road to becoming a pharmacist is very competitive. Even though I'm scared like hell, I told him I'm willing to be the breadwinner years down the road if we ever become a family while he's still in school. He didn't want that, instead he kept saying that he could work part time while still being a student to support me. But how is that even possible with the expensive tuition? I just don't understand why he thinks all of this is possible! I'm very capable of taking care of myself and any future additional family members. I want to make this as easy for him as possible. I very tempted to pay for his education, but I know he would be very uncomfortable if I do that.

 

There has been some highly educated, financially stable and attractive single men from my work place that's been trying to ask me out. I can feel the temptation so I've been avoiding them, but I feel that in terms of career and education I can relate with those men very well. That's something my boyfriend and I lacked. I don't want to say it's education gap because it sounds wrong. Plus it's not fair to my boyfriend because he is a wonderful guy. My boyfriend has been researching what I do so that he could have a basic understanding of my job. To me, that really touches my heart.

 

The reason I'm having doubt is that I feel my boyfriend is using me as a source of motivation. I think he's forcing himself into hardcore science without knowing if he's suitable for it. He could have been happy with a $10/hr job while dating a girl who wouldn't care about how much education he has. Instead he chose me - the girl of a very different social world, and that's a hell lot of burden and expectation for him to bear because most of my family members are college gradate, PhDs and well off. On top of that, we're of different ethnicity and culture. Why do we choose to be in such a difficult relationship?

 

Sometime I really doubt this will work out that I just want to run away. Yet I can't.

[Kitkat973]

Four months in IS early to be having these big discussions, and making your decisions based off of a distant future that sounds unlikely to actualize isn't sound. If you take his future education completely off the table and focus on right now, how do you feel about your relationship? Do you feel like settling down to this extent is something that you want to do when you have so much doubt?

[bichin]

Talk with him about your feelings, particularly the one where you feel he's using you.

[Batya33]

How would you feel if he decides to abandon this grand plan and instead get a $10/hour job -would you still be proud of him and willing to be the main breadwinner? When I was 23 and fresh out of a broken engagement I started dating a 22 year old guy who had just started grad school. He told me on our first date that he didn't want to marry until he was 30. That was fine with me at the time given my situation but I also appreciated knowing that we probably weren't on the same wavelength time wise. But, man plans and god laughs -right? He proposed to me when he was 26, I declined, we broke up and he got married when he was in his 40s -to a man. He did finish grad school and he also grew out of partying and became very successful. I worried about his partying back then, and his drinking. My point is, especially at age 22 so much can change and so quickly. It was the same for me except that, like you, I knew from when I was in high school that I wanted to be seriously involved with someone well educated like me (well like I planned to be) and who valued education as much as I did. That never changed - so while I think you have to be flexible and realize that especially in one's early 20s plans can change dramatically, often the values are already pretty much set (with exceptions!). If he doesn't value education now (other than as a way to keep you happy) my guess is that it will continue to be a struggle and a source of anxiety for him more than happiness. You can have a very frank talk about that aspect -how he really feels, now, about getting an education, about being a professional and that whatever he says is totally fine with you but he needs to be brutally honest. And then decide whether you still want him if the answer is that he has values other than getting an education (which is totally fine, just might not be compatible with you).

[PetiteGirl]

Four months in IS early to be having these big discussions, and making your decisions based off of a distant future that sounds unlikely to actualize isn't sound. If you take his future education completely off the table and focus on right now, how do you feel about your relationship? Do you feel like settling down to this extent is something that you want to do when you have so much doubt?

 

These are very good questions...it's really sad to admit that I don't think I can settle if this is all we have in this relationship right now. We're on different pages in life and it's really difficult to see him as an equal. He also told me that he feels inferior when he's with me, hence his ambitious educational and career goals. At the same time, he is a good guy and I want to give him a chance regardless of his education level and social status. I do admire his hard-working attitude and how well he treats his family.

[PetiteGirl]

Batya33,

 

You raise some really good points. I had sat him down and talked about this issue before, but he insisted that he's also doing it for himself. He said his pride wouldn't allow him to stick with a $10/hr job. I fear that this may just be a momentary inspiration for him since I've seem many people around my age wanting to do something similar and failed. He comes from a poor family and ever since when he was a child his parents were too busy working to give him guidance when he needed it. Eventually his father left his family, and my boyfriend has to figure out a lot of thing on his own. You're right. I really need to talk with him about this.