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Should I be this worried?


joe sceptical

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I'm a 56 year old man and have been with the same woman for 33 years. Our

sex life has been up and down throughout the years. We recently went

through a 5 year sex drought. That's right, 5 years, 6 months and 7 days.

Now she wants sex again. That's not the problem. The problem is that she

has befriended our 20 year old son's gay friends (our son is not gay). She

spends a lot of time with one or both of them. She advises and does their

wash and spends my money on them. She says I should not be concerned.

Should I???

 

Why do you think that after all this time she suddenly wants sex?

 

It just feels weird. I guess I don't think she's sexually attracted to

them, but it does cross my mind. She gave them $300 to fix their car, she

buys them lunch ($100 yesterday). My son is with them most times, but not

always. I am often invited to join. She spends time at their place. On

several occasions she goes over there in the evening with or without my son,

and doesn't get home until 2-3 in the morning. I have to go to bed by 10 to

get to work in the morning. She says they just find stuff to talk about, or

they watched a movie. The other day we all went for a picnic together, but

she spent a lot of time with them. They are making plans to do that more

often (during the week with or without my son). Maybe I'm just pissed that she

isn't spending time with me, I guess I'm boring.

 

Today she tells me that one of the boys had a death in the family and she wants to drive them to the funeral (no big deal right?)

The funeral is in Atlanta!!!!! 965 miles away!!!

I told her to tell him that we are very sorry for his loss, but we can't help them get there.

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Hm .......... I see why you are asking. I would be concerned as well, as your wife's behavior is drastically changed.

 

A couple of thoughts to chew on, and pardon me if I am being direct. First, gay men can be very appealing to women. I fell for a gay man in college, but I didn't know he was gay until several months later. The guy I knew was emotional, which I could relate to, enthusiastic, loved to have fun and paid attention to his appearance. Plus, he kind of oozed sex appeal. So I can understand how your wife might be finding something in them that makes her feel alive.

 

Second, if you and your wife haven't worked on your relationship in awhile, this could be an opportunity to do so. It's almost like she's escaping into these other friendships because they are more fulfilling to her. But the problem is that she's not tending to YOUR friendship with her. Maybe she's bored, or she tried to improve your relationship before and felt you were unreceptive. I wouldn't know, but you might want to think about what YOU can do to improve this situation.

 

Third, you might consider how you can improve your marriage without being too hard-nosed with your wife. Yes, she is overstepping boundaries, but you need to provide her with alternatives to hanging out with the boys. Or go ahead and spend time with her and them and see what's what. Reach out to them, and maybe you'll see more why she's drawn to them, or how you could benefit from their friendship or you could even advise or help them.

 

ANother thought: Are you sure your son isn't gay? I just find it a little bit interesting that he has gay friends he hangs out with (a lot?). Maybe I'm misunderstanding your post, but it sounded like your son's main friends are these guys.

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Nope - I don't think you should be worried. You should be happy!

 

Some gay men have a way of making some women feel fabulous! It sounds like she is having a good time bonding with them (and since they are gay and your son is often around, I doubt anything dubious is going on). Being 20-year olds who are in touch with their sexuality, they probably talk about sex a lot. This has put ideas in her head and... she's turning to you! Exactly what she is supposed to be doing.

 

She is probably just appreciative of their acceptance and the excitement they bring to her life.

 

I think you should embrace it and enjoy the ride.

 

PS: I agree with K8tie. I think you should use this as an opportunity to spice up your own lives... How about doing something spontaneous and fun! Going on vacation or what have you. While I don't think she is doing anything wrong, I think K8tie is right. It's a little strange that she's turning to these 20-year olds for excitement. Sounds like something is missing from her life. Let this be the spark... but try to get the flames going in your relationship as well.

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Sexual drive usually does a major tick up when a person finds and has personal interests. They get refreshed from the activities, and it does trickle into all other parts of their life, including sex.

 

After 33 years, I doubt she'd throw it all away over some 20 year kid that is friends with your son.

 

She is feeling young, so acting young...hence wanting to get it on again. And your wife wants to have sex with you...so what if it means she's found a muse to get fired up about her husband again.

 

Also, has she does through menopause? Sometimes it can take up to 8 years to go through the whole thing, which does affect sexual arousal and even down there fluid.

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Thank you for your candid responses. Everything you say makes perfect sense. It sounds more like it's my insecurities that are bothering me. I assume that you're all women and this is the only way I'm going to hear a woman's perspective on the matter. Do you suppose that I'd get a different reaction if men were answering this? Maybe, but I tend to agree with what you've said. To answer some of your questions, yes, she has gone through 'the change' and yes my son is not gay. He had befriended these two guys while in school. He does have other friends. BTW...I told her that she can drive them to Georgia (as long as they get separate rooms). Also that she will need to find a job when she gets back to help me pay for it. I hope I did the right thing.

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Thank you for your candid responses. Everything you say makes perfect sense. It sounds more like it's my insecurities that are bothering me. I assume that you're all women and this is the only way I'm going to hear a woman's perspective on the matter. Do you suppose that I'd get a different reaction if men were answering this? Maybe, but I tend to agree with what you've said. To answer some of your questions, yes, she has gone through 'the change' and yes my son is not gay. He had befriended these two guys while in school. He does have other friends. BTW...I told her that she can drive them to Georgia (as long as they get separate rooms). Also that she will need to find a job when she gets back to help me pay for it. I hope I did the right thing.

 

I think you're doing the right thing. It sounds like your wife has found people she likes and it is adding something positive to her life (and hopefully to yours as well if she's interested in sex again) and asking her to get a job if she wants to spend money like that is perfectly reasonable. It sounds like you are a good husband that is trying to understand your wife even when she acts in ways that seem strange at first. She is lucky to have you.

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You have to remember, she made new friends, and new friends do hang out regularly. I would accept the invitations they do offer you, and in turn call up some of your friends to hang out with. I know it gets lost in the jumble of daily life, seeing your buddies, but it keeps your marriage fresh...that you both have something to bring to the plate.

 

As long as it's not out of spite, I wouldn't stick to her about the money...just let her know, you would also love more quality time with her, and you miss spending time together doing fun things...maybe set up a weekend date where you both go out and do things together. And that some of the events she is hosting is costly, and it would help for her to get a job for some of her leisurely activities.

 

And if it is done out of spite, you have to work on your insecurities...how do you do that? Get back into you. Get back into doing things that you enjoyed in the past. Call up friends and see them. Get into fitness, a hobby, etc. Sometimes it's not a matter of trust. Sometimes it's really a matter of jealously that their spouse is out there having a good time.

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  • 1 month later...

Joe - My wife and I have a boundary we strictly enforce about friends of the opposite sex. There is no such thing. She should never have personal conversations about herself or you with someone else of the opposite sex. This leads to intimacy even if only on an emotional basis that should only be between you and her. If your feeling she ifs focusing more on this friendship than your marriage and you, you have a right to be concerned and expect her to focus her attention where it belongs. Reasonable boundaries like not being alone with this kid should not be an issue. Not talking about personal matters as well. She should be able to understand your fears and work through actions to alleviate them. The may be baseless but they are your feelings and she shouldn't disregard them. If she does, the two of you need to get into marriage counseling now!

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Every girl wants a gay guy friend(s).... They probably inspire her, point out her sexy assets and are fun as heck. The right gay friends help build a girls self esteem, they know what looks good, what is sexy and are sure to give compliments to not just men. When I get a compliment from a gay guy I feel it is the best. For one you know they aren't trying to get in your pants so you know the compliment is real. Maybe you should get involved a tad in some of these guys lives as well, unfortunately a lot of these guys Dad's have disowned them .. I would not worry and appreciate the fact that their boost might be why your wife's sex drive has come alive !!

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