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Does this mean he wants to break up?


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Hi please could someone advise me on what to do now...


A brief summary of whats happened.


I have been living with my bf for over 2 years and we have always argued non stop about my tidiness, lack of willingness to exercise, his drinking. I was made redundant in July 2010 and because of the current work climate, I found a job which ended this July. Now I am unemployed he is suggesting I move in with my mum where i can find a job and save the rent money by paying off my credit card debt.He will move out from our 2 bed house into a 1 bed and I can come stay over whenever i liked in the meantime.


He also thinks we will argue less if we live apart but to me that is going a step backwards. I asked my mum if i could move in and she said I was a user, that now Im having problems I want to live with her. Even so she is moving to my brothers to live with him so I couldnt either way. However, he has been on holiday this week and has been staying in his room with the door locked doing his own thing. When I asked him why he was locking away in his room he said he wanted a stress free holiday and not for us to argue, but I wasnt even arguing with him!!


He has since been ignoring me, cooking for himself etc. His dad came to pay us a visit today but instead of coming to my room to wake me in the morning to let me know his dad had arrived, he has gone out with his dad pretending I dont exist. I have been with him for nearly 3 years...


I feel like im being treated cruelly by him, we are both 32 yet i am being ignored, like i dont exist. What do I do?

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You are asking the question of whether he wants to break up. What about you? What do you want? It sounds like you don't want to break up, but I'm not sure why you would want to stay. You argue all the time, and you have a host of personal issues (debt, unemployment, health) that you could probably work on by yourself.


What is it that you want to happen? Things can't go on the way they are. He is willing to make the compromise by still dating but not living together, it seems.

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Sounds like getting yourself financially caught up may be the best for you. Sounds like growing up a little aand learning to communicate when faced with conflict may be best for him. Seperating living arrangements could be a step backwards, but sometimes stepping backwards allows you to regain your feet and move forward.


I would also add that from the sound of the first sentence your fighting has more to do with being two completely different people. When you argue non-stop about personal choices like tidyness and chosing to not exercise that is a clear sign that you two may not be compatible. Yes not being in each others face daily may lead to less arguing, but at what point does the relationship move forward? If you want to be together, at some point you will need to live together again. Doesn't seem you two are compatible for that.

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I'm sorry this is happening to you. I think your constant arguments are the root of the problem and he's just tired of it. I'm not saying it's your fault, it takes 2 to argue.


Do you see yourself living with him and continuing on the way you were?


Think about what you're fighting over. His drinking, for example. You don't like it. When people don't like something and it really bothers them (to the point where they can't accept it) they will complain. Then they'll get tired of complaining and they'll do something about. Maybe one day you'll realize that arguing won't do any good because he WANTS to drink and DOESN'T want to change and then you'll leave him. Just like his problem with your tidiness. Work through your problems and talk them out but before you do, you both need to make up your mind about whether or not you're ready to change your habits for your partner. If one of you isn't ready to change then you'll both have to accept that there's no way you can live together.


Question. You sleep in separate bedrooms?

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Is there absolutely no way you can stay with your brother or a friend before you can get back on your feet?


If you can't, I'm afraid you'll have to stay with him until you can rent a place on your own/share a place with a roommate. I know you don't want to be around him right now but what choice have you got? Ask him to bear with you until you can move out, in the meantime don't argue and try to do your own thing, whatever it may be. At some point you'll also have to discuss where you're going. If you 2 are incompatible (and it seems like you are) then you have to end the romantic relationship but in a civil way since you'll be sleeping on his couch for a while. Now hold your chin up high, you'll find a job!

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Thank you for your advice. I cant bear to talk to him because i feel if you loved someone then why would you ignore them and make them feel like crap. I feel so alone because i dont have many friends, well i do but not ones where i can just call up and cry my heart out. I want to move to another city but im scared of doing this by myself. I feel that whats happened has made me feel like im worthless and a loser. If my own bf gave up on me.......


Im sorry to be like this, im so unhappy and just wanted a bf who loved me unconditionally, not one where he feels nothing to just drop me like a hat and not really care about how i feel. He thinks hes unhappy? What about me!!? I have a debt, no job, no support of my family, no real friends. I feel like its best if i was dead. No one would really care!

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Oh honey don't think like that! We all want to be loved unconditionally but have to be patient until the right one comes along.


It really bothers me when women put themselves down like you're doing right now. I know you're in a bad place right now but pick yourself up. One day at a time, one step at a time. You need to work on you right now and everything else will come in time. First you get stronger, then you find a job, then you find a place to live and in between you meet new people and make friends. One day you wake up and realize the pain is gone and you're in a much better place and even better off then when you thought you were happy with him.


I just broke up with my bf a week ago. I'm out of a job too. It sucks but it'll make us stronger.



PM me if you need to talk, I'll hear you out

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I want to move to another city but im scared of doing this by myself. I feel that whats happened has made me feel like im worthless and a loser. If my own bf gave up on me.......


What has happened isn't what's making you feel worthless. That feeling is present inside of you. You likely entered the relationship feeling this way without realizing it. The goal now is to get yourself strong and emotionally healthy, without needing unconditional love from someone to feel that way.


If you want to move to another city, then you have to face your fear and go for it. People do it every day. You can start tackling your problems one by one- get rid of the debt, start making friends, etc. It's challenging but you can do it.

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Sweetie, a man will love you as much as you love yourself.


From what you say here, it sounds like you have no job, you are not contributing financially, you may not be cleaning up to his standards, you may not be exercizing and staying healthy. I think if you take a step back, you need to think about what you are contributing to the relationship. Unconditional love needs to come from inside of you. Love yourself enough to work on YOU. Move in with your mom. Get back on track financially. Find another job. Exercise again. And by god GET SOME NEW FRIENDS!


I suspect the fighting is due to frustration. He may feel like you are financially and emotionally dependent on him. He's ignoring you to spur you to take care of yourself again and get away from the drama of fighting. If you don't want to break up ... I would really work on yourself, your finances, your living circumstances, your career, your interpersonal relationships, your health. I think that is the best way to turn things around.

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Thank you all for your advice. I went and knocked on his bedroom door today to ask if we could talk. I asked him what was going on and he said 'Nothing, i will keep ignoring you until you move out otherwise I will'. I was really hurt by this. I started panicking and asked if he was breaking up with me and he said yes we had split up because I was pulling him down, i will never change and all the times ive said i will i havent. I told him i had a job interview tomorrow (of which i havent even concentrated or revised on) and he said it was too little too late. We are not likeminded and he doesnt see being with me in 10 years from now. He wants a family and i am holding him back.................


You know I cant even express through words how i feel..Him saying all this has destroyed what self esteem i had if any. I hate him yet i love him, I want to leave, yet i keep hoping hes really angry with me at the moment and doesnt mean what he is saying. My heart has been ripped out again. I never seem to be able to meet a guy who loves me unconditionally. Please can someone advise me on what to do.

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I don't want to sound mean, sweetie, but my post right above yours told you exactly what he was doing and why. Why did you need to go and confront him? The best way to show someone that you can change is TO change.


Unconditional love comes from you. No one can love you when you are not doing what you need to do to love yourself. He has spoken the truth. You are no longer together. Please start listening to us and putting a plan together for putting your life back on track so you can focus on YOU. This is what is most important. Best dear.

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