Taking back CONTROL

[Unwanted]

What have YOU done to take back control?

 

I visited my wonderful counsellor today at uni - and I guess I'm taking another step towards getting myself out of this mess...yuk.

 

After practically getting verbal diarrhea and telling her everything that's happened, she said the following:

 

1) That I am a strong woman because I seem to be making the right decisions about my emotional well being, and the fact that I've stopped begging and began accepting, and that even in the middle of all the crap I was able to pull through and pass last semester (*queue this, don't judge me )

 

2) My panic attacks in the middle of the night WON'T kill me. But make sure I pull over if I was driving if I had them lol

 

3) I need to take back control.

 

This kind of relates back to my personality I suppose. Ironically, I completed a mandatory behavioural profile for work haha. According to HR, and the 20-page report they gave me lol, my behaviour style was "Steadiness" - which meant that my limitations included:

 

Overly accommodating, too softly-spoken, tendency to avoid criticizing others, indecisiveness, afraid of your own instincts

 

I guess my type of behaviour has lead me to lose control of the past 4 years. The ex basically dictated every aspect of my life, even though he was on the other side of the world, and I let him!!!! When the BU happened, he said to me "You're not allowed to talk to me, until the 28th of June", and even after I've asked him about my money he had the cheek to ask why I'm asking for it back.

 

Well, after speaking with the counsellor, she indicated I needed to take back control to help me keep my focus and continue with my progress.

 

I told her that I have decided to let the money go. I've decided I don't want any contact with him anymore. I KNOW what's important to me now. I'm getting rid of my love-goggles and stability-goggles.

 

So my counsellor has suggested that I either 1) reply back telling him exactly what I want (to be left alone and forget the money) or 2) do not reply and say nothing.

 

So I am doing nothing and not replying. It's a lot harder for me to refrain from constructing an email that consisted this:

 

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF$#^#$%&%^UEW%@#$^%^%$#^$%YERG%&%^U^%&^%*&(*)(*)*&UUUUUUUUUUUU

 

But I am going to take a different path and say absolutely NOTHING. He's a grown adult, he knows what's right and wrong, he doesn't need me to tell him what to do, he has a mother for that.

 

So to me, my method of taking back control at this stage is saying NOTHING back.

 

What have YOU done to gain control?

 

Oh by the way, I like giants

 

Happy weekend you awesome ENAers.

[Xylitol]

To me you sound very insecure, very weak, very dependent and very fragile. I can see why your criminal ex had such an easy time stealing money from you. Its because you are too trustworthy and allow people to scam you because your inititial trust is given too early and worse to people who don't deserve it. Basically you are 'too good of a person' in terms of trust, which isn't bad in a world filled with angels, but this planet is filled with demons and angels so you better be better on your guard from now on. Think about it you are so insecure that you need a counceller to tell you that you are strong, but do you even believe it yourself?

 

So lets go thru those things that you are weak in and should change into the following.

 

1. Be -emotionally independent- , in the end you are alone, no one can live your life for you. You are the stem of the tree, in the end you can only base your life on you yourself, a tree without roots will surely fall, meaning that if you lean on others and they go away, your life will surely fall apart. Therefore understand that every form of dependency is wrong, you should only depend on yourself.

 

2. Insecurity must be replaced with the philosophy of 'going for gold' in your life. There are only two directions in life -/+ , only + is needed, meaning that if you always go for 'gold' in your life you will always be going into the right direction, there is no exception to it. Try or die.(which is better then being stuck in the same place)

 

3. You should start exercise physical as well as building up a mental defense by reading a lot of books (dr.phil for instance) , they give a lot of valuable insight and make you mature as a woman and give some much needed mental stability. Which makes you understand that these people are not necessary in your life. Oh and i have another something for you.

 

The following was written by another e-notalone member, hope you like it.

 

 

 

4. Bring back the power of your life back where it belongs, namely in YOUR hands, otherwhise you'll just become an emotional soccerball for others to play with, remember to have a life of your own ,afteral a partner can pick up their bags and leave you any day, when that happens you better have a life of your own to fall back upon. People are an addition to your life, and not a replacement for living YOUR life.

 

I feel really sorry for what you have been going thru. I hope you learned that you shouldn't waste your precious life and time on awfull people, only bring in people in your life who genuiningly support you.

[mactownman]

Off topic, but I absolutely love the beagle puppy picture. Got one of my own that looked alot like that when he was a pup. Cutest puppies and sweetest dogs.

[East4]

To me you sound very insecure, very weak, very dependent and very fragile. I can see why your criminal ex had such an easy time stealing money from you. Its because you are too trustworthy and allow people to scam you because your inititial trust is given too early and worse to people who don't deserve it.

 

No, this is not true. Xylitol, read all background posts before you judge harshly. Unwanted makes mistakes normal for her age, she is in her mid twenties. Not trusting people and building walls around onesel, represents another threat-isolation, distrust to others that ends up with quite a lonely life.

Unwanted has had the strength to oppose whet her family had decided for her, and I do not know many young women capable of doing it. I would not qualifyy such a person as weak.

[Unwanted]

Xylitol - let's break it down:

 

1) Check

2) Check

3) So watching Dr Phil's shiny bald head is a lot more beneficial to me than going to see my counsellor. Excellent advice.

4) Check. I was asking how YOU took back control.

 

Oh and I have something for you too, perhaps you should read my previous threads so you can follow. The point of this thread was to ask for your contribution about how you took back control. Not how I can take back control. I'm already doing that.

[Unwanted]

Off topic, but I absolutely love the beagle puppy picture. Got one of my own that looked alot like that when he was a pup. Cutest puppies and sweetest dogs.

 

I know right!! Oh one of the ENAers posted a photo of their beagle, absolutely gorgeous! My friend has one and she has the sweetest disposition ever

[Xylitol]

Xylitol - let's break it down:

 

1) Check

2) Check

3) So watching Dr Phil's shiny bald head is a lot more beneficial to me than going to see my counsellor. Excellent advice.

4) Check. I was asking how YOU took back control.

 

Oh and I have something for you too, perhaps you should read my previous threads so you can follow. The point of this thread was to ask for your contribution about how you took back control. Not how I can take back control. I'm already doing that.

 

I just wanted to point out that in nr.3 i never said that reading the books of Dr.Phil were a replacement for your counceller.

 

Furthermore the 'structure' of your thread is misleading, why are you telling us your entire life story if you didn't want us to give advice on it?

 

You could make a thread like this.

 

Hello everyone, please tell me stories on how you people took back control of your life in all kinds of various difficult power struggles during your past or current relationship.

 

-end- (no life story needed)

 

Otherwise you might accidently make people think you need advice and those who post are just wasting their time by trying to help you.

 

Your story is also contradicting, because it is nowhere stated that you are already fully back in control , people are again mislead to want to give advice on how to take back that control. Furthermore, another misleading thing is that one could think that , taking back control is related to your relationship problem on control and (it looks like from the misleading thread) that you are wanting to know from the readers how to take back control, and how others did this, because you had a problem with taking back control in the past. Do you see how untransparent the life story is and how its mixing with your thread title?

 

So in the future i hope you just directly ask for what you need instead of attaching a life story to it, only do it when its needed, or when you need advice/healing on it, this in an attempt not to confuse the readers who try to help others here on e-notalone.

[lavenderdove]

One of the best ways to take back control of your life is to try to get your own center back inside yourself. By that i mean, you need to do some real self evaluation to sit down and think about what you want and need for yourself and your life, and start setting goals to accomplish those things.

 

And equally important, if anything conflicts with what you know you want and need, then don't do it or don't tolerate it in others. Control isn't about telling other people what to do, it is about evaluating what you need and doing things that take care of yourself and get what you need for yourself.

 

Sometimes there are personal value judgments to be made to take control, as in deciding whether you need to get the money from him, or it is more important for you to have peace of mind and put him behind you as quidkly at possible. So it is good if you've made the decision that keeping the connection with him for the sake of a couple thousand dollars just isn't worth risking what you need more, which is to let him go, put him behind you, and get him out of your life. Personally, i put mental health above money, and sometimes hanging onto pushing someone for money is more about anger and refusal to let go than it is about needing the money.

 

So try to make all decisions/choices after careful thought and evaluating whether what you are choosing really helps you get in the direction you want to go and brings you peace and happiness. And jettison anyone or anything that threatens that happiness and peace of mind. Taking back control in your life is about recognizing that you deserve the best, not someone else's crumbs nor letting them control your life of decisions based on what is right for them, at your expense!

[Unwanted]

One of the best ways to take back control of your life is to try to get your own center back inside yourself

 

And jettison anyone or anything that threatens that happiness and peace of mind. Taking back control in your life is about recognizing that you deserve the best, not someone else's crumbs nor letting them control your life of decisions based on what is right for them, at your expense!

 

^^^^^ LOVE THIS! Centering and prioritising is definitely something I need to get familiar with, it's a bit weird thinking about myself for once, but getting there =)

 

I just wanted to point out that in nr.3 i never said that reading the books of Dr.Phil were a replacement for your counceller.

 

Furthermore the 'structure' of your thread is misleading, why are you telling us your entire life story if you didn't want us to give advice on it?

 

You could make a thread like this.

 

Hello everyone, please tell me stories on how you people took back control of your life in all kinds of various difficult power struggles during your past or current relationship.

 

-end- (no life story needed)

 

Otherwise you might accidently make people think you need advice and those who post are just wasting their time by trying to help you.

 

Your story is also contradicting, because it is nowhere stated that you are already fully back in control , people are again mislead to want to give advice on how to take back that control. Furthermore, another misleading thing is that one could think that , taking back control is related to your relationship problem on control and (it looks like from the misleading thread) that you are wanting to know from the readers how to take back control, and how others did this, because you had a problem with taking back control in the past. Do you see how untransparent the life story is and how its mixing with your thread title?

 

So in the future i hope you just directly ask for what you need instead of attaching a life story to it, only do it when its needed, or when you need advice/healing on it, this in an attempt not to confuse the readers who try to help others here on e-notalone.

 

LOL. Well Xylitol, next time I want to post a thread, I'll make sure to run it past you first.