jealousy ruined my relationship

[bobby7]

Me and my girlfriend of 7 years have broken up, I'm 27 and so is she. I've always been a jealous person but nothing to crazy. She started getting really close to a guy in her work which I explain I wasn't comfortable with. I was told she won't apologies for having male friends. This was hard and as they got closer & closer I lost my confidence and self esteem. She became very distant stop telling me she loved me and our sex life stopped this made me very paranoid. I started checking her phone and where she was all the time I even texts her friend to check up on her! I just didn't know what to do. About a month ago is when we broke up I sat her down and said what's wrong at first she said it's because we want different things they a comment was made about trust and she they says she couldn't be with me when I don't trust her. She told me she needed time but still loved me. I moved out and gave her some space to think everything over. I tried txting her and she ignored me we had a couple of emails sent but nothing really I couldn't understand why she was doing this why wouldn't she give me anther chance! So I lost it and hacked her email were there was a email from the guy I was jealous of had a link to a holiday home a 2 xx that was it and the ex reply was love it. So I lost it and phoned her. She promised she never cheated but does have feeling for the guy. Also told me she hasn't loved me for a while now. I want to know how to change so I'm not so crazy feel like a head case any help. My head feel like it's bursting.

[ED82]

Just move on and forget her, you are not going to have a good relationship with this girl. Learn your lessons and move on, hacking her email etc is actully a criminal offence so be aware of this.

 

Its your insecurites that are causing you to be jealous, sort out your own head and insecurites before you enter a new relationship or there is a chance you could repeat past mistakes. if you can not learn to trust someone in a relationship your actions could push them to do the thing you worry about the most cheating.

[waric]

y'know you talk of your jealousy as if it were some kind of problem with you. Like it was an unjustified irrational act. Fair enough it changed you and made you do some stuff you wouldn't normally of. But it strikes me the actual jealousy in this case wasn't so irrational. You were pretty much right to have these suspicions. The fact she ended up with this guy suggests you weren't jealous for the sake of it and destined to be so right or wrong,... You were hitting the nail on the head and reacted to it.

 

Maybe when you find the right one you'll be very different. I wouldn't take it as given that your gonna be jealous regardless of who your with and what they are up to. Trust has to be earned and is a two way street. This just wasn't one worth trusting.

[hexaemeron]

My my, listen to the broken counsel the broken. OP, it sounds like if you hadn't made an issue of the guy, he wouldn't have become an issue. This is what we call a sel-fulilling prophecy. Your jealous actions and crippling paranoia drove your relationship to the very place you were terrified it would go. Jealousy is NOT a good thing. It's bad. It made you act like some lesser primate or Patrick Bergen from "Sleeping with the Enemy"

 

Life lesson: I honestly believe your actions led to this outcome. You have the skills to resolve your issues with jealousy within yourself. Do so and you'll be better prepared in your future relationships.

[tresqua]

My my, listen to the broken counsel the broken.

 

Wow that's really nasty. Someone who is in a bad way emotionally isn't "qualified" to offer their opinions and advice on a relationship forum?

 

OP, it sounds like if you hadn't made an issue of the guy, he wouldn't have become an issue. This is what we call a sel-fulilling prophecy.

 

No, as I see it (and since I don't appear to meet hexaemeron's definition of "broken"), his response was reasonable since she was obviously developoing an attachment for this guy and hiding it from him.

 

I honestly believe your actions led to this outcome.

 

I honestly believe his actions were justified and did not affect the outcome at all. At the very least you don't have enough information available to bash this guy and make him feel worse than he already does.

[hexaemeron]

Wow that's really nasty. Someone who is in a bad way emotionally isn't "qualified" to offer their opinions and advice on a relationship forum?

 

 

 

No, as I see it (and since I don't appear to meet hexaemeron's definition of "broken"), his response was reasonable since she was obviously developoing an attachment for this guy and hiding it from him.

 

 

 

I honestly believe his actions were justified and did not affect the outcome at all. At the very least you don't have enough information available to bash this guy and make him feel worse than he already does.

 

I'm not trying to make him feel badly at all. What I am trying to do is tell him what I believe he needs to hear, not what he wants to hear.

[tresqua]

According to the timeline outlined in the first post, he didn't start getting jealous until it was obvious that there was something going on with those two. When he confronted her she ADMITTED she had feelings for the guy and he found at least one incriminating email between the two of them.

 

You are suggesting that he "needs to hear" that his jealousy ruined the relationship when as per the storyline in his first post, it appears that she was already gone long before he started acting on his suspicions. Even if we cannot say for sure "when" she began to stray, it's unfair to suggest it happened BECAUSE of his jealousy.

[hexaemeron]

Let's look at the timeline presented here:

 

1.) He is an self-admitted jealous person by default.

2.) She makes a male friend at work. His jealousy kicks up a notch (or more?)

3.) His jealousy bristles on her (as it would for most people) and she reiterates she's entitled to make friends with whomever she wishes (which is her right as a human being.)

4.) Her continued friendship with this man sent the OP into a self-esteem/confidence tailspin, which almost certainly means he was clingy, possessive and needing constant validation about the normal state of their relationship, which is not sexy, in any way which isolated her because to her, all she did was make a friend.

5.) And now we're into his snooping her IM, phone, text conversations/records (again, awesomely sexy to a partner), to which the girlfriend almost certainly thinks "He's acting like a complete ass. I've been with this man 7 years and this is how I'm treated? Does he really trust me so little?"

6.) Of course, the friend is going to be present, concerned, sympathetic, and most importantly, NOT AT ALL JEALOUS OR POSSESSIVE IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM.

7.) She's now thinking "Wow, look at how nicely this guy is treating me just as a friend, when my own partner of seven years is acting like Glenn Close in 'Fatal Attraction'. I'm not sure about this relationship anymore. Who is this guy I've been with for so long?"

 

QED

 

He might as well have taken the relationship, poured gasoline on it, lit a match, tossed it and walked away.

 

Any questions?

[tresqua]

Let's look at the timeline presented here:

 

He might as well have taken the relationship, poured gasoline on it, lit a match, tossed it and walked away.

 

The timeline as YOU present it, is rigid, presumptive, and probably not accurate. There are a few specific statements in the intial post that put most of the jealousy and snooping AFTER much of the damage was already done.

 

Besides, even if it was EXACTLY as you put it, it's like you're blaming this guy by saying his jealousy is what drove her into this guys arms when it's quite possible and even likely that she would have ended up there if he was completely oblivious and had done NOTHING.

 

Affairs happen all the time. Quite often the betrayed partner had no clue and there was no jealousy.

[TomboyMS]

Jealousy ruins relationships. That much is undeniable.

[bobby7]

I haven't spoke or seen my ex in a while I still really love her and was wondering what would happen if i tried to get her back? I kown I made a huge mistake and Ive told her I'm sorry. She made a few her self over the years and a few bigs ones to. Any advice would be really helpful

[pl3asehelp]

Jealousy ruins relationships. That much is undeniable.

 

So does developing feeling for other people outside your relationship. To blame your partners jealousy for your infidelity is a total joke. OP, just leave this girl - you're obviously not that important to her.

[lemsip]

Mate she screwed you over. You didn't cause it. You had every right to be jealous and suspicious.

 

Balls to her.