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Since telling him I have cancer ....

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Straight to the point here. In need of an unbiased perspective -


I told him I was diagnosed with cancer on Feb 2011. Didn't tell him I was diagnosed as of June 2011. He got really upset that I didn't tell him any sooner. I had to cope with the news myself. Its a hard pill to swallow, I said.


It hasn't been a month since telling him I was diagnosed with cancer. Told him I need him to be a supportive friend (we're ex lovers) in my life. Told him I need him to be that pillar of strength.


He hovers this cloud of "leaving my life" over my head whenever he's angry. He threatens me with this "phrase" knowing I need him after telling him so.


He told me he couldn't be in my life anymore via text msg on my birthday weekend. He apologized and admitted he said it out of anger (Strike 1). Told me again a week later in a *jokingly* manner (Strike 2).


Two weeks ago - he said "I'll talk to you when I talk to you." I replied, "as you said, you'll talk to me when you do." He replied with, "If I do." ...... that's strike 3.


He brought up the beneficiary. He said "to take him off the beneficiary so I won't ever know (you die)." After telling him don't cry.


He knows he will always be a beneficiary even despite being my ex-lover and a dear friend. I expressed my wishes to him and he had the audacity to throw this in my face.


I got steaming mad.


I told him ....... "I hate you"


Do I indeed hate him? Absolutely not. My actions speaks louder than words. I am kicking myself for saying this. I feel terribly guilty and hurt that I even uttered those words.


After saying, i hate you, he replied with:


"You cu*t. You're dead to me. Don't ever text or call.*





To give you a little background of this guy: He's 31 years old. Still living with his parents. Never moved out. Works for his dad. Plays video games all the time. Always got what he wanted as a kid. No motivation. Recently told me he has no purpose, *kinda* gave up the idea of marriage and having kids. He's emotionally immature.


In need of an unbiased perspective here:


Would his *emotional immaturity* be the result of his coping mechanism of finding out I have cancer?


Would me saying I hate you right after he brought up the beneficiary... even remotely trigger such words like "youre dead to me"?



I don't understand. Help me understand and come to terms with this. Please.

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It sounds like he never really grew up and I would guess that is the reason for a lot of the immature comments he made. Honestly, someone like that will just bring you down and right now you need every bit of strength in your body and in your mind to fight this horrid disease. God bless you and please stay strong and keep your head up.

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I'm so sorry for your news... about this guy.... Imo ..I think.he is dangerous for you right now. You need a pillar of strength ....he is not that...if anything he is the sea of * * * * beating against the ivory tower ....


Use support from your friends and family...this guy sounds like a bloke.


lut seems he is more concerned about how this affects him rather that you.


you have mine and all of us ena'rs support.

We love ya!

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I just need to hear the opinions from other (unbiased) individuals. I know the answer. My gut tells me to run far far away from this guy.


It's different when you tell your friends or your family. They'll always stick up for their own.


Thank you. Everyone's reply is much appreciated. It is giving me the strength to forgive myself for saying *i hate you* to him.

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I'm so sorry that he said such awful things to you. Regardless of whether or not he said it due to him possibly feeling hurt by your I hate you comment, it still was completely inappropriate & wrong for him to speak to you that way. Like some of the other ENA's have said, you need people in your life right now that you can count on to lift you up & surround you with positive/loving energy. You definitely don't need people like him that have the audacity to be downright mean to you during this difficult time in your life. Please feel free to post here anytime you need advice or just someone to listen to. All of us at ENA are here for you!

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Ex's can't be our "pillars" under the best of circumstances, never mind cancer. My ex-lover was downright cruel to me after I told him of my diagnosis - I don't know why they react like that. I think they feel they are being manipulated, but we are really just feeling vulnerable. For what it's worth, he doesn't sound like he has much going on to offer someone.

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Wow! I would never feel guilty for saying I hate you to an immature young man who was going to be verbally nasty to me when I need all the support I can possibly get. You are taking responsibility for things that aren't yours! And some people are just natural born talented at this, which means they never get the hard kicks to grow up in life. Does this sound like anyone you know?


I'm sorry for your terrible DX. My dad has it and it's taken a lot of his health away from him, even though he's in his 80's and is still fighting every step of the way. What I would do with this: Unless this guy was my next door neighbor and I couldn't avoid him, I'd just leave him be. No more contact! It's okay to be away from someone who is just too much to deal with. And he does sound spoiled. I'm all for forgetting he exists. Find other people as friends!



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I agree with all of this. Good point about the hard knocks. People that never dealt with hardship often lack empathy and compassion. They don't mean it, they just can't help it. But more importantly - he was your ex. Not your husband, not your family. We cannot count on our our ex's for support in any circumstance.

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Take care of yourself and trust your instincts. Having said that, people react in different ways. The diagnosis is scary for you and you need a pillar of strength. But your sudden need and fear of losing you makes him panic too. You both need time and support. He doesnt sound very strong or mature, so he would not be my choice of your main support. Family or friends would be better. But, given time, he may become better than you expect. Remember, both of you have to go through the whole grieving process, even though your cancer may not be fatal. Having worked on cancer wards you see that patients and their loved ones go through the whole denial/anger/bargaining etc phases, and not necessarily at the same time. Get your support around you and concentrate on yourself now. But he may well improve. And saying "I hate you" is fine, we all think it and under stress the filters that usually stop you from saying it are missing Best wishes

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You're absolutely right, Snugg.


I texted him, called him, emailed him after our argument and no attempt in replying on his behalf. It stings and good heavens it hurts but it speaks well for himself as an individual.


I was kicking myself for saying I hate you to him. It's certainly isn't my character to speak such ill words. It caught me by surprise. I just had to get the opinion from others. I am my worst critic ... unfortunately.


Thank you for your reply.

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Sorry to hear you have cancer. Kick its ass for everyone.


You don't hate him, you were sad because you need someone; "him", to help you through this. He left you hanging in a dark time. Your ex, his coping is trying to not think of you or shut you out. Thought of you probabaly brings him more drepression. Or he could be angry that you have cancer, and there's nothing he can do about it really. His background tells you he got whatever he wanted and has no motivation. Just seems like that to me. In the end, no you don't hate him. As for him, maybe give him some time or let him be. Right now you have something more important then getting his support.

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This guy is cruel. But immature people react in negative ways when they hear news about things that arent under their control. I dont know how advanced is your disease but he probably doesnt want to get involved because its going to eat him inside see the progress of it. He is so scared of losing you that he doesnt want to be a beneficiary just to not know. He preffers to think you are already dead as of now, because in that way he is under control.

People are scared of death and act in weird ways.

Sometimes we refuse to attach to thlse who are sick because its gonna hurt so much to lose them than is better to assume their gone.

His concience is going to haunt him foreVer if he doesnt apologize, its hard to picture what he told you as the last words you evEr said to someone.

So avoid contact him, and let him process the whole situation. His also your ex and he probably thinks you are going to become a burden. Look support on your relatives and friends , when it comes down to your ex there is no compromise with you, no matter if he is in your will. Learn to not expect anything from him.

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I contacted him last night as the last 'olive branch' I'm extending to him (after not contacting him for 7 days).


No reply from him as expected. He apparently doesn't think he said anything wrong. Pathetically sad.


I have tried. Can't say I never did.


Thank you everyone for your reply's! It has helped me extraordinarily! I wanted an unbiased perspective from other individuals. Friends and family will always stick up for their own. Just wanted to hear from other people's opinion in regards to this. You have given me the strength to forgive myself for saying I hate you to him. Again, thank you so much!

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So I contacted him for the last time today. Said a few things in referencing to how much pain he caused me. No reply from him.


I don't understand it. Why would you treat someone like this?


From a males perspective ---


is he avoiding, dodging me, just so he won't own up to what he said as a mistake?


Is this a normal male's reaction to finding out your love one is suffering from cancer?

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